A subject I have touched upon on a few occasions on this blog....I have man flu !!!! the killer ....it only effects us blokes you women don't understand it effects us worse than you it's a clinical fact as true as women can multi task and can't read maps......Well one female who has shown me a lot of sympathy is my 3 year old mini minx.......this morning we curled up on the settee in our jim jams I put on my poncho (it's really cosy) and mini minx tucked us both under her blanky........we settled down to watch a marathon of Harry Potter DVDs. It was quality time with my little girl just vegging and feeling quite poorly.......
As we watched the adventures of Harry ,Hermione and Ron it came to me quicker than you can say Expelliamos!.....Boots our singer must be a wizard!!!!!
now before you call the men in the white suits to Machero towers to take a babbling burk to the looney bin here me out I have a theory......I have to be careful though ....he reads these blogs sometimes....I might wake up as a frog tomorrow....(what do you mean it would be an improvement!!!!!????)
He went to boarding school.....Hogworts maybe?.......he is well spoken.....have you ever heard of a wizard that doesn't speak proper? Gandalf, Dumbledore even Merlin all spoke well. He is a graduate in chemistry.....yeah I bet .......what potions does he knock up..... he is slim....ever seen a fat wizard ? if you were magical you would wouldn't you ......Expelliamos! bosh! three stone ...gone! he has long(ish) hair....all wizards have long hair. .......I thought it strange that the other week we all dismissed Twist and Shout as a song we didn't want to do ..then our wizard decided he would grab his magic guitar and sing it and we all joined in and all of a sudden we want to include the song in our set.......hmmmmmm subliminal spells in those words me thinks. then there is the stripy blazer.........hmmm very Hogwarts. I will keep digging I will keep you blog fans up to date if I see a wand or anything suspicious in his guitar case. Obviously I don't want this to turn into a witch hunt!!!!!!
Thursday, 25 October 2007
Sunday, 21 October 2007
Double dose of Jockanese K.....MBE
What’s better than a Jokanese K ...MBE update????? .....yessssss two Jockanese K ...MBE updates....rumour has it that the carrier pigeon got shot bringing the first one to us .....so let’s cue the music..................
(In the far far East ...played by a lone bag piper drifting off into the distance as he walks along a cold blustery ridge of a Scottish hill )
Hi there sportsfans, hotties and all you Trekies out there (yes you know who you are).
Welcome to another fun filled update on the goings on in the only golf course without grass, who's scorecard is a piece of sandpaper, situated in a war zone and whose bunkers are not man made.
Well play has continued pretty smoothly throughout the week, however everyone is carrying some prety big bags under their eyes, due to the lack of sleep. Our rivals have decided to step up their attmepts at sabotaging the tour and for some reason it always happens at approximately 0130-0200 each night, i guess with the big fast during the day, they have an abundance of energy mid night, i can see it now, they have just had their midnight snack, and one says to the other "i am really stuffed, this not eating all day is a bitch, what shall we do?, the other says `i know why dont we go to the driving range and see what we can hit?". As a result at the start of the week our beloved and expensive airstrip took some damage from a rivals thrown ball, however the damage was minor and our green keepers were able to repair the damage without disruption to the tour. With all the increased goings on from our rivals, our organisors have decided to bring in a protection specialist "Mr C Dracula" as the organisors are giving everyone concrete coffins to sleep in. These coffins made of stern stuff have been designed to provide all round, above and below protection from stray balls, golf clubs and the occasional golf card, on the down side though - claustrophobia sufferers have been strongly advised to sleep with the light on, put their thumbs in their mouths and cry for mommy (no offence meant to any claustrophobic readers)
Well it turns out that the Tour is more popular than a spice girls comback concert, we have again been graced by a high profile visitor, and unless you have all been stuck in outer mongolia this week, you will have realised that the Boss man, yup the most powerful Jockanese Dude in Britain (no not sean connery) our unelected Gordon "Yes Prime Minister" Brown. He flew in for a birdseye tour to meet and greet the players, kiss a few electorate baby's and generally to kiss our mascots behind.
And on the subject of visits, did you guess last weeks celebrity - huh,,,,,,No,,,,Yes,,,, of course i hear you say, it was easy. Well just in case you've been living on another world, it was "Mr Obi Wan Kenobi" himself Ewan McGregor, and may i say what a nice chappie he is indeed.
NEWS FLASH:- Attack of the killer chip - There have been reports that a player on the Desert Classic 2007 Gu(o)lf tour had been injured by a stray chip. Initial reports said that the player was happily eating a healthy meal in the cookhouse when out of the blue he was struck by said stray chip. After subsequent investigations by the chief chef it was confirmed that it was not a killer chip but a stray bullet from a nearby Iraqi wedding. So for all you diet fiends out there that think chips are bad for you - think again and for all you that are planning a wedding, stick to the traditional ball and chain (in the short term the prognosis is good, however long term damage can be expected).
So as it turns out, it has been a busy kind of week on the tour, play is still going on regardless of distractions, and pars all round. So until the next update, a parting message to all you males out there, a wise man once wrote on a leaving card "Be good, Be safe and dont catch your D**k in your zipper"
Jockanese K MBE signing off..
And the second installment..........
Hi y'all,
Here is another whacky and damn right not funny update for you all to digest and read in wonder questioning my sanity.
"Hi all you hotties out there (hooyaa stumma and beata's, and a few worblers), sports fans and klingon enthousiasts alike (Kaplah). It has been a relatively quiet week on the tour this week, with not a lot going on. There seems to be more going on back int he homeland than out here, but plenty affecting the tour.
On a personal note, id like to take a step back in time to a not too distant (ok a very long time ago), a young hum drum and full of cum lad decided to leave his parents nest of comfort and venture out on his own in the big wide world of the Tour. When i hear you ask was this event - 20 Oct 1987, yes i can hear you say - you old b****rd- are you that old, you dont look it.......ok so i am dreaming again. Yes today is my 20th anniversary of signing my life away to the cause for Her Maj, boy has the time flown by.
Well what has happened since the last update - well we have again had to suffer the ignorance of our neighbours attempted hijacking of the course, but a credit to us, our stewards are very adept at blocking and deflecting their efforts. Big hooyaa to the boys.
My playing partner Big T and I have had to lose our caddy this past week. Unfortunately for him he has had a bad dose of the "Whinging Wife Syndrome", for those of you not versed on this discease, it is a most inflicting and painfull condition that affects ones ears, heart and mind. The said wife has pulled the preverbial wool over the organisors eyes and insisted our caddy return home to look after her AGAIN. We do hope he makes a full recovery from this condition, as in the past 2 tours he has sucessfully recovered miraculously within 24hours of returning to said partner. Good luck.........
We have over the past week or so had some disturbing news, there has been some unfounded rumours in the national press that stated that the tour may come to a premature end - i can put that bad boy to rest now, and assure everyone that the tour is continuing on strong and is still due to finish on schedule..
Here is a few words from our players:
Strike Action: It is with great dissappointment and sadness that our colleagues in the Postal services of Royal Snail Mail decided to stop working and go on strike over such things as pay and working conditions. Our players have but one thing to say - if you think that your working conditions are that bad come over here and try the Gu(o)lf tour - then you will know all about poor working conditions. Favourite questions posed were: a. Do you work in war zones b. do you work under constant threat of golf balls dropping on your heads c. do you sleep in a cofin d. do you work 15 hours a day 7 days a week ?, in short NO is the answer. So a great big thanks that all the moral boosting post and parcels will now take approximately 1 month to arrive. We’re behind you buddies......
A Security Warning: Keeping MUM:- Whilst it is good to inform all and sundry of the truth, A speaker should however bear in min that not all listeners will have good intentions. It was of no surprise then that after the head honcho `The PM` announced that more players would return early (or should i say transferred to the Poppy mountain course in Afghanistan) and that our course here had a relatively quiet period with no golf balls being thrown - well low and behold and to no ones surprise - our neighbours took up the challenge and threw 4 at us straigh away just to let us know they were still there. Again Fortunately our driving range deflector grid took one of them out and the others missed by a big margin. So all the players would like to thank the PM for once again for his support.
Well thats all for now folks, If you are still awake after this one, there will be another one in roughly 1.5 weeks time, just before the mid tour break at the start of November. Till then may the course be with you, and yipiekiyae...
Jockanese K Mbe"
(sound of Land of hope and glory played by the lone piper on a windswept beach on a far flung Scottish Island....drifting off into the distance)
(In the far far East ...played by a lone bag piper drifting off into the distance as he walks along a cold blustery ridge of a Scottish hill )
Hi there sportsfans, hotties and all you Trekies out there (yes you know who you are).
Welcome to another fun filled update on the goings on in the only golf course without grass, who's scorecard is a piece of sandpaper, situated in a war zone and whose bunkers are not man made.
Well play has continued pretty smoothly throughout the week, however everyone is carrying some prety big bags under their eyes, due to the lack of sleep. Our rivals have decided to step up their attmepts at sabotaging the tour and for some reason it always happens at approximately 0130-0200 each night, i guess with the big fast during the day, they have an abundance of energy mid night, i can see it now, they have just had their midnight snack, and one says to the other "i am really stuffed, this not eating all day is a bitch, what shall we do?, the other says `i know why dont we go to the driving range and see what we can hit?". As a result at the start of the week our beloved and expensive airstrip took some damage from a rivals thrown ball, however the damage was minor and our green keepers were able to repair the damage without disruption to the tour. With all the increased goings on from our rivals, our organisors have decided to bring in a protection specialist "Mr C Dracula" as the organisors are giving everyone concrete coffins to sleep in. These coffins made of stern stuff have been designed to provide all round, above and below protection from stray balls, golf clubs and the occasional golf card, on the down side though - claustrophobia sufferers have been strongly advised to sleep with the light on, put their thumbs in their mouths and cry for mommy (no offence meant to any claustrophobic readers)
Well it turns out that the Tour is more popular than a spice girls comback concert, we have again been graced by a high profile visitor, and unless you have all been stuck in outer mongolia this week, you will have realised that the Boss man, yup the most powerful Jockanese Dude in Britain (no not sean connery) our unelected Gordon "Yes Prime Minister" Brown. He flew in for a birdseye tour to meet and greet the players, kiss a few electorate baby's and generally to kiss our mascots behind.
And on the subject of visits, did you guess last weeks celebrity - huh,,,,,,No,,,,Yes,,,, of course i hear you say, it was easy. Well just in case you've been living on another world, it was "Mr Obi Wan Kenobi" himself Ewan McGregor, and may i say what a nice chappie he is indeed.
NEWS FLASH:- Attack of the killer chip - There have been reports that a player on the Desert Classic 2007 Gu(o)lf tour had been injured by a stray chip. Initial reports said that the player was happily eating a healthy meal in the cookhouse when out of the blue he was struck by said stray chip. After subsequent investigations by the chief chef it was confirmed that it was not a killer chip but a stray bullet from a nearby Iraqi wedding. So for all you diet fiends out there that think chips are bad for you - think again and for all you that are planning a wedding, stick to the traditional ball and chain (in the short term the prognosis is good, however long term damage can be expected).
So as it turns out, it has been a busy kind of week on the tour, play is still going on regardless of distractions, and pars all round. So until the next update, a parting message to all you males out there, a wise man once wrote on a leaving card "Be good, Be safe and dont catch your D**k in your zipper"
Jockanese K MBE signing off..
And the second installment..........
Hi y'all,
Here is another whacky and damn right not funny update for you all to digest and read in wonder questioning my sanity.
"Hi all you hotties out there (hooyaa stumma and beata's, and a few worblers), sports fans and klingon enthousiasts alike (Kaplah). It has been a relatively quiet week on the tour this week, with not a lot going on. There seems to be more going on back int he homeland than out here, but plenty affecting the tour.
On a personal note, id like to take a step back in time to a not too distant (ok a very long time ago), a young hum drum and full of cum lad decided to leave his parents nest of comfort and venture out on his own in the big wide world of the Tour. When i hear you ask was this event - 20 Oct 1987, yes i can hear you say - you old b****rd- are you that old, you dont look it.......ok so i am dreaming again. Yes today is my 20th anniversary of signing my life away to the cause for Her Maj, boy has the time flown by.
Well what has happened since the last update - well we have again had to suffer the ignorance of our neighbours attempted hijacking of the course, but a credit to us, our stewards are very adept at blocking and deflecting their efforts. Big hooyaa to the boys.
My playing partner Big T and I have had to lose our caddy this past week. Unfortunately for him he has had a bad dose of the "Whinging Wife Syndrome", for those of you not versed on this discease, it is a most inflicting and painfull condition that affects ones ears, heart and mind. The said wife has pulled the preverbial wool over the organisors eyes and insisted our caddy return home to look after her AGAIN. We do hope he makes a full recovery from this condition, as in the past 2 tours he has sucessfully recovered miraculously within 24hours of returning to said partner. Good luck.........
We have over the past week or so had some disturbing news, there has been some unfounded rumours in the national press that stated that the tour may come to a premature end - i can put that bad boy to rest now, and assure everyone that the tour is continuing on strong and is still due to finish on schedule..
Here is a few words from our players:
Strike Action: It is with great dissappointment and sadness that our colleagues in the Postal services of Royal Snail Mail decided to stop working and go on strike over such things as pay and working conditions. Our players have but one thing to say - if you think that your working conditions are that bad come over here and try the Gu(o)lf tour - then you will know all about poor working conditions. Favourite questions posed were: a. Do you work in war zones b. do you work under constant threat of golf balls dropping on your heads c. do you sleep in a cofin d. do you work 15 hours a day 7 days a week ?, in short NO is the answer. So a great big thanks that all the moral boosting post and parcels will now take approximately 1 month to arrive. We’re behind you buddies......
A Security Warning: Keeping MUM:- Whilst it is good to inform all and sundry of the truth, A speaker should however bear in min that not all listeners will have good intentions. It was of no surprise then that after the head honcho `The PM` announced that more players would return early (or should i say transferred to the Poppy mountain course in Afghanistan) and that our course here had a relatively quiet period with no golf balls being thrown - well low and behold and to no ones surprise - our neighbours took up the challenge and threw 4 at us straigh away just to let us know they were still there. Again Fortunately our driving range deflector grid took one of them out and the others missed by a big margin. So all the players would like to thank the PM for once again for his support.
Well thats all for now folks, If you are still awake after this one, there will be another one in roughly 1.5 weeks time, just before the mid tour break at the start of November. Till then may the course be with you, and yipiekiyae...
Jockanese K Mbe"
(sound of Land of hope and glory played by the lone piper on a windswept beach on a far flung Scottish Island....drifting off into the distance)
Wednesday, 17 October 2007
Wifey's big challenge
Those that know Wifey will know that her job dictates she makes quick important decisions that can have catastrophic outcomes if she gets it wrong .........life and death risk assessments that effect her staff and others (like should they have tea or coffee in the morning with their toast....jam or marmalade you know, that sort of thing.) But no amount of training ...no amount of body conditioning can prepare her for the challenge she has just agreed to take on..............yes................ she is the chair person of the PTA...............
These are parents so dedicated to the school and community that they give up their own valuable time to organise events in partnership with the Teaching staff to improve the daily life and facilities in and around the school.......
Regular readers of these endless lines of dribble will recall I have made mention of several members of the PTA in the past and in fact Agent A is one of the main catalysts for the band coming to be. Her husband Agent R ...my sports day father’s race nemesis ?....Before you conjure visions of frumpy Mum’s sitting round discussing coffee mornings whilst doing a few lines of knitting I will tell you the real story behind the PTA.
This is a body of driven individuals. Drilled in the ancient warrior art of Pee Tee Jitsu . No frumpiness here oh no....these are men and women who hone their bodies at the gym waiting to pounce on some poor unsuspecting parent at any given moment.........they can organise a fete quicker than you can say bouncy castle, can persuade you to pose naked with only a strategically placed plant in the fore ground covering the parts that even Heinekin can’t reach in the name of charity ,cackle off into the night (probably at the thought of the aforementioned ) and knitting needles have actually been banned due to an unfortunate incident in the staff room leaving one of the dinner ladies with the amazing ability to re create the Geneva fountains every time she sneezes.
I have been called in as back up to Wifey sitting to her right like a rock ....ready to support her in any way.........well I’m not meddling with agent A she’s scary.................oh and Nursey ..the ex chair.....not messing with her either she’s bonkers.........oh then little agent C.......in fact I ain’t messing with any of them ....may be I’ll organise a coffee morning instead.
In all seriousness (no seriously I am being serious now) The PTA are committed to what they do and we will try and match their commitment as we become agents........but I must say I feel awfully grown up having meetings in the staff room!!!!!!!
On a last note ..forget Super Nanny...forget all these child psychologists who give you all these fancy ideas to cure sibling rivalry I have the answer...........Now we don’t really have a problem with Rockstar and Mini minx not getting on . Like all six and three year olds they have their brother sister ups and downs (although Mini minx did plant a right cross on Rockstar’s chin the other day which Wifey and I looked at each other in mutual respect and both agreed that we would have been proud of that punch in our former lives as Kick boxers. No ....but Rockstar ‘s appreciation for the sheer beauty of his baby sister has heightened since Wifey purchased a Bear in the Big Blue house suit for her.
When she has the suit on she looks like an Ewok from Return of the Jedi and Rockstar can’t help cuddle her and gone are the “Yuck yuck Dad Dad!!! she’s just kissed me get her off it’s sgusting!” instead we have “ ah Dad she looks just like a teddy bear look how cute” and proceeds to cuddle the now bemused little girl who is lapping up the attention from her older brother who she will follow to high heaven such is her idolisation of him
So it is simple...bear outfit.....you heard it here first...............................wonder if they do them in XXL?
These are parents so dedicated to the school and community that they give up their own valuable time to organise events in partnership with the Teaching staff to improve the daily life and facilities in and around the school.......
Regular readers of these endless lines of dribble will recall I have made mention of several members of the PTA in the past and in fact Agent A is one of the main catalysts for the band coming to be. Her husband Agent R ...my sports day father’s race nemesis ?....Before you conjure visions of frumpy Mum’s sitting round discussing coffee mornings whilst doing a few lines of knitting I will tell you the real story behind the PTA.
This is a body of driven individuals. Drilled in the ancient warrior art of Pee Tee Jitsu . No frumpiness here oh no....these are men and women who hone their bodies at the gym waiting to pounce on some poor unsuspecting parent at any given moment.........they can organise a fete quicker than you can say bouncy castle, can persuade you to pose naked with only a strategically placed plant in the fore ground covering the parts that even Heinekin can’t reach in the name of charity ,cackle off into the night (probably at the thought of the aforementioned ) and knitting needles have actually been banned due to an unfortunate incident in the staff room leaving one of the dinner ladies with the amazing ability to re create the Geneva fountains every time she sneezes.
I have been called in as back up to Wifey sitting to her right like a rock ....ready to support her in any way.........well I’m not meddling with agent A she’s scary.................oh and Nursey ..the ex chair.....not messing with her either she’s bonkers.........oh then little agent C.......in fact I ain’t messing with any of them ....may be I’ll organise a coffee morning instead.
In all seriousness (no seriously I am being serious now) The PTA are committed to what they do and we will try and match their commitment as we become agents........but I must say I feel awfully grown up having meetings in the staff room!!!!!!!
On a last note ..forget Super Nanny...forget all these child psychologists who give you all these fancy ideas to cure sibling rivalry I have the answer...........Now we don’t really have a problem with Rockstar and Mini minx not getting on . Like all six and three year olds they have their brother sister ups and downs (although Mini minx did plant a right cross on Rockstar’s chin the other day which Wifey and I looked at each other in mutual respect and both agreed that we would have been proud of that punch in our former lives as Kick boxers. No ....but Rockstar ‘s appreciation for the sheer beauty of his baby sister has heightened since Wifey purchased a Bear in the Big Blue house suit for her.
When she has the suit on she looks like an Ewok from Return of the Jedi and Rockstar can’t help cuddle her and gone are the “Yuck yuck Dad Dad!!! she’s just kissed me get her off it’s sgusting!” instead we have “ ah Dad she looks just like a teddy bear look how cute” and proceeds to cuddle the now bemused little girl who is lapping up the attention from her older brother who she will follow to high heaven such is her idolisation of him
So it is simple...bear outfit.....you heard it here first...............................wonder if they do them in XXL?
Saturday, 13 October 2007
Bara what's the story Balamory Shik!!!!!
The Russian word for Drummer is Barabanshik...tis why we call our Armenian bang crash man so.........cos Drummer in Armenian is too hard to pronounce and his wife is Russian. (no I didn't mean she has little time on her hands....!!!! she is actually from Russia)
Now Barabanshik isn't your usual drummer. With the greatest respect to all you stick wielders out there the stereotypical drummer burps ,farts and generally has the vocabulary of a Telly tubby......Rather like a super hero Barabanshik has a disguise.....during the day he is an engagement manager (not quite sure what that is maybe he manages brides and grooms to be!!!!!!! )I think he's a mild mannered computer tecky type person but as the drums are set up and the band starts pumping out sounds Barabanshik turns into a monster beat box!
You see there is a new word in the dictionary!
Armenize -verb, to Armenize, Armenizing - to take a song and radically change it for the better by beating the living crap out of it.
Bara -Bubble- bubble- toil -and- trouble -shik can make any song up tempo even a Norah Jones song in fact rumour has it he was sacked as a funeral drummer for turning a funeral march into a Rio style street dance! this is however only rumour !
Bara-boo boo pee do shik has decided that the school hall we practice in needs a coffee machine....I wonder if that is a reflection on the rest of the band??? I did enquire with Bar ra ra boom dee aye shik when he made the coffee request whether we were boring him or interupting his tea break which tickled him so much he was laughing well into the next song. I can just imagine the school head's face as the kids file to the medical room on a Monday after scolding themselves on the odd machine in the hall !!!!?!?!?!?!
Well the band is in full swing into rehearsing for the Christmas gigs and the Christmas songs we are going to do are going to be kept a secret. For these gigs we are going to get Simon from Diddly Sqwat the fledgling photographer to take some promo shots for a flyer so we can tout for work . Bara -bas free barabas shik came up trumps again and suggested and I quote......
"I always have some nice cigars in my car, may be we can have a photo us enjoying cigars and cognac whilst on break? :-))))))))))) I even have Cohibas !"
I replied "you are a worry!"
the reply ":-) why? are cigars or cognac against the law? has something changed in the world whilst I've been commuting in and out of London :-))))))"
The vision of us in a huddle behind Bara ba bar black sheep shick's drums drawing on massive cubans and sipping cognac just doesn't do it for me ...although standing neck deep in the Thames as Simon suggested doesn't do it for me either....why can't we just do the urban decay in the background or standing in a grubby lane like most bands.... I don't know......(actually I do ...I want to do summin different but can't picture what at present )
Anyway this week apart from the mad ramblings of an Armenian drummer, wifey and I saw two of our favourite bands this week 3 daft Monkeys who are a folk rock band from Cornwall who are absolutely amazing. They played a small venue called Dingwalls in Camden I would defy anyone to stand still at one of their gigs they were the billy doo dahs. Then the next day we went to the Koko club in Camden again and saw the mighty Kula Shaker ..we were there right at the front amongst the mass of jumping raving loons soaked in thrown beer and generally going mental to the music.......fantastic but alas it's back to work the latter part of the week and I'm still knackered never mind off on Sunday then Monday comes around and just for those couple of hours Wifey ,Boots ,Bara wail like a banshee shik and I become rock Gods in our own tea time ...........
Now Barabanshik isn't your usual drummer. With the greatest respect to all you stick wielders out there the stereotypical drummer burps ,farts and generally has the vocabulary of a Telly tubby......Rather like a super hero Barabanshik has a disguise.....during the day he is an engagement manager (not quite sure what that is maybe he manages brides and grooms to be!!!!!!! )I think he's a mild mannered computer tecky type person but as the drums are set up and the band starts pumping out sounds Barabanshik turns into a monster beat box!
You see there is a new word in the dictionary!
Armenize -verb, to Armenize, Armenizing - to take a song and radically change it for the better by beating the living crap out of it.
Bara -Bubble- bubble- toil -and- trouble -shik can make any song up tempo even a Norah Jones song in fact rumour has it he was sacked as a funeral drummer for turning a funeral march into a Rio style street dance! this is however only rumour !
Bara-boo boo pee do shik has decided that the school hall we practice in needs a coffee machine....I wonder if that is a reflection on the rest of the band??? I did enquire with Bar ra ra boom dee aye shik when he made the coffee request whether we were boring him or interupting his tea break which tickled him so much he was laughing well into the next song. I can just imagine the school head's face as the kids file to the medical room on a Monday after scolding themselves on the odd machine in the hall !!!!?!?!?!?!
Well the band is in full swing into rehearsing for the Christmas gigs and the Christmas songs we are going to do are going to be kept a secret. For these gigs we are going to get Simon from Diddly Sqwat the fledgling photographer to take some promo shots for a flyer so we can tout for work . Bara -bas free barabas shik came up trumps again and suggested and I quote......
"I always have some nice cigars in my car, may be we can have a photo us enjoying cigars and cognac whilst on break? :-))))))))))) I even have Cohibas !"
I replied "you are a worry!"
the reply ":-) why? are cigars or cognac against the law? has something changed in the world whilst I've been commuting in and out of London :-))))))"
The vision of us in a huddle behind Bara ba bar black sheep shick's drums drawing on massive cubans and sipping cognac just doesn't do it for me ...although standing neck deep in the Thames as Simon suggested doesn't do it for me either....why can't we just do the urban decay in the background or standing in a grubby lane like most bands.... I don't know......(actually I do ...I want to do summin different but can't picture what at present )
Anyway this week apart from the mad ramblings of an Armenian drummer, wifey and I saw two of our favourite bands this week 3 daft Monkeys who are a folk rock band from Cornwall who are absolutely amazing. They played a small venue called Dingwalls in Camden I would defy anyone to stand still at one of their gigs they were the billy doo dahs. Then the next day we went to the Koko club in Camden again and saw the mighty Kula Shaker ..we were there right at the front amongst the mass of jumping raving loons soaked in thrown beer and generally going mental to the music.......fantastic but alas it's back to work the latter part of the week and I'm still knackered never mind off on Sunday then Monday comes around and just for those couple of hours Wifey ,Boots ,Bara wail like a banshee shik and I become rock Gods in our own tea time ...........
Tuesday, 2 October 2007
The fertility qualities of Chinese food
You can work with someone and really not know them !!!!! I was shocked this week as one of my work colleagues let the proverbial skeleton out of the closet. I was shocked to think that I was working on the next desk from someone with such a dark dark secret....So what and who could it be...................................yep it was Mr T he let the cat out of the bag.....with a slip of the tongue he told me how he is a coronation Street fan....he knows his Battersbys from his Baldwins his Barlows from his Ogdens...I was shocked! We even went on the Corrie website as he went cold turky at work ...... I’ve requested group therapy......may be I can send Mother dearest...she saw the very first episodes!!!!!!!!!!
A public health warning!!!!!!! do not eat Chinese food in Brighton!!!!!!!!! I’ll explain............,about 16 weeks ago SJ (do you remember her...you know Hot Machero’s first singer?) failed to turn up for rehearsals.....she had a Chinese in Brighton and was stuck down there as she had a bad reaction to the food and wasn’t well enough to come back for rehearsals .....Last week she announced she is 16 weeks pregnant!!!!.....that was some Chinese meal!!!!!!!!! from all at Hot Machero congratulations and good luck to SJ ,Tony and the little SJ.
Well Brighton breeze was fun we had a nice little trip down there! but last night was the first time that Hot Machero were together in this current line up .............Barabanshik was back with a bang...crash and a wallop Bara boom boom boom shik had many tails of America and even inherited The American trailer trash attitude (you know the Jerry Springer talk ) We were suggesting some Christmas songs and it was all going well and enthusiastic until I mentioned Wizard’s “I wish it could be Christmas everyday” Bara what’s the story Balamory Shik blankly refused to do it.
“Y’all goin do dat wid out ya drummer Mumma!........”
then astounded us all by going into a deep deep voice and belted out....”It’ll be lonely this Christmas without you to hold!” Our suggestion of doing a Ringo Star were met with silence.....so was Barabarabarabarabara....barabarabarabara...schnell achtung actung die you English pig dog ...shik’s suggestion to Boots that we should do George Michael’s “Last Christmas”...there was silence from Hot Machero’s singing department ....Boots face was emotionless as I asked if he could do a bit of George. He stared into the distance imagining his hair all bouffant wearing shoulder pads stuffed into dodgy jackets with rolled up sleeves and shoes without socks.........no I don’t think so either!
So come on Hotties chuck us some ideas...we reckon that Mull of Kintyre is a must with Boots ‘ past experience ..and a version of Slade’s Christmas classic is a must.......isn’t it?
A public health warning!!!!!!! do not eat Chinese food in Brighton!!!!!!!!! I’ll explain............,about 16 weeks ago SJ (do you remember her...you know Hot Machero’s first singer?) failed to turn up for rehearsals.....she had a Chinese in Brighton and was stuck down there as she had a bad reaction to the food and wasn’t well enough to come back for rehearsals .....Last week she announced she is 16 weeks pregnant!!!!.....that was some Chinese meal!!!!!!!!! from all at Hot Machero congratulations and good luck to SJ ,Tony and the little SJ.
Well Brighton breeze was fun we had a nice little trip down there! but last night was the first time that Hot Machero were together in this current line up .............Barabanshik was back with a bang...crash and a wallop Bara boom boom boom shik had many tails of America and even inherited The American trailer trash attitude (you know the Jerry Springer talk ) We were suggesting some Christmas songs and it was all going well and enthusiastic until I mentioned Wizard’s “I wish it could be Christmas everyday” Bara what’s the story Balamory Shik blankly refused to do it.
“Y’all goin do dat wid out ya drummer Mumma!........”
then astounded us all by going into a deep deep voice and belted out....”It’ll be lonely this Christmas without you to hold!” Our suggestion of doing a Ringo Star were met with silence.....so was Barabarabarabarabara....barabarabarabara...schnell achtung actung die you English pig dog ...shik’s suggestion to Boots that we should do George Michael’s “Last Christmas”...there was silence from Hot Machero’s singing department ....Boots face was emotionless as I asked if he could do a bit of George. He stared into the distance imagining his hair all bouffant wearing shoulder pads stuffed into dodgy jackets with rolled up sleeves and shoes without socks.........no I don’t think so either!
So come on Hotties chuck us some ideas...we reckon that Mull of Kintyre is a must with Boots ‘ past experience ..and a version of Slade’s Christmas classic is a must.......isn’t it?
Jockanese K MBE shouts out to the Hotties
(In the tune of BlackAdder)
His uni-form is camoflaged
His un-dies adorned with his tartan
The best, that Scotland has produced
Legend in his own front garden
Jock-a-nese K
Jock-a- nese K
He's in the middle east
Jock-a-nese K
Jock-a- nese K
Porridge is his feast
(sing a bit higher!)
Jock-a-nese K
Jock-a- nese K
The best that Scotland's got!
Jock-a-nese K
Jock-a- nese K
Who armed him should be shot!
(cue bag pipes playing in the far far east)
"Hi to all you Hotties out there and all you die hard sports fans, I hear that you have been enquiring with our sponsor as to the welfare of the players due to the lateness of this update - thanks for your concern, but all the players are ok (We did however lose a player due to a tragic accident last week - and our condolences go out to his family and friends). Sorry for the delay in sending this update, but as you can probably imagine the gu(o)lf tour is in full swing and we are playing our way through the rough and fairway on our way to the 19th hole where the victory dance is planned for New Years Eve.
So what i hear you asking has been going on, on the tour?, well not a lot to be honest, its been pretty plain parring for the past few weeks since the last update. We've had quite a few false reports of mud slinging from the rival courses here, but we have had 4 confirmed foreign golf balls land on the course - luckily again no damage to the course occurred and they did not hit any of our players. This has of course resulted in some minor delays, as lying on the floor with ones hands over his head is becoming an unfavourite pasttime. On a good note, our course is now back to the oasis that it once was, as our water problems appear to be behind us now and full flow has been restored.
Well we have been graced this past week by a celebrity player, who jetted in, in Hercules the transporters belly to meet and greet the players on the tour, give a welcome moral boost and message of support from all you hotties and sports fans back in the UK. `For the love of golf` i hear you say - Who the bloody hell was it ? Well i shall leave you to think, and give a few clues as to their identity 1. He/She is a fellow jockanese, 2. likes to sing and act and finaly 3. is blessed with the Force!!!, answers on a postcard or email via our sponsor Hot Machero.
Competition Time: Its name the tour donkey time - As stated in the last update, the tour donkey needs a name as he is sick of players shouting out "oy wheres shrek" and "oh hows Dragon". So we are looking for a suitable name for our mascot - answers again on an email via our sponsors or direct if you know my email address - You could win a tour t-shirt as worn by one of our players.
Well that's about all there is for this update, the next one will be in around 2 weeks time, so till then, Be safe, Enjoy life and watch out for busses whilst crossing the street.
Jockanese_K-MBE out"
(bag pipes fade into the distance)
His uni-form is camoflaged
His un-dies adorned with his tartan
The best, that Scotland has produced
Legend in his own front garden
Jock-a-nese K
Jock-a- nese K
He's in the middle east
Jock-a-nese K
Jock-a- nese K
Porridge is his feast
(sing a bit higher!)
Jock-a-nese K
Jock-a- nese K
The best that Scotland's got!
Jock-a-nese K
Jock-a- nese K
Who armed him should be shot!
(cue bag pipes playing in the far far east)
"Hi to all you Hotties out there and all you die hard sports fans, I hear that you have been enquiring with our sponsor as to the welfare of the players due to the lateness of this update - thanks for your concern, but all the players are ok (We did however lose a player due to a tragic accident last week - and our condolences go out to his family and friends). Sorry for the delay in sending this update, but as you can probably imagine the gu(o)lf tour is in full swing and we are playing our way through the rough and fairway on our way to the 19th hole where the victory dance is planned for New Years Eve.
So what i hear you asking has been going on, on the tour?, well not a lot to be honest, its been pretty plain parring for the past few weeks since the last update. We've had quite a few false reports of mud slinging from the rival courses here, but we have had 4 confirmed foreign golf balls land on the course - luckily again no damage to the course occurred and they did not hit any of our players. This has of course resulted in some minor delays, as lying on the floor with ones hands over his head is becoming an unfavourite pasttime. On a good note, our course is now back to the oasis that it once was, as our water problems appear to be behind us now and full flow has been restored.
Well we have been graced this past week by a celebrity player, who jetted in, in Hercules the transporters belly to meet and greet the players on the tour, give a welcome moral boost and message of support from all you hotties and sports fans back in the UK. `For the love of golf` i hear you say - Who the bloody hell was it ? Well i shall leave you to think, and give a few clues as to their identity 1. He/She is a fellow jockanese, 2. likes to sing and act and finaly 3. is blessed with the Force!!!, answers on a postcard or email via our sponsor Hot Machero.
Competition Time: Its name the tour donkey time - As stated in the last update, the tour donkey needs a name as he is sick of players shouting out "oy wheres shrek" and "oh hows Dragon". So we are looking for a suitable name for our mascot - answers again on an email via our sponsors or direct if you know my email address - You could win a tour t-shirt as worn by one of our players.
Well that's about all there is for this update, the next one will be in around 2 weeks time, so till then, Be safe, Enjoy life and watch out for busses whilst crossing the street.
Jockanese_K-MBE out"
(bag pipes fade into the distance)
Wednesday, 26 September 2007
Fresh Managers and Thick Reporters
It's been a funny week so far. Monday's school run is always eventfull.This Monday as usual we're running to wards the school just on time and we walked past a little Princess. I didn't even acknowledge the fact we had walked past a Princess in a gold dress. It was as I nearly bowled over Darth Vader that I realised in shock horror that all the children were in costume.....don't panic I thought you'll wake up in a minute ......I looked at rockstar's face, my six year old was in a very sharply pressed school uniform looking very sad.....it was story week, all children in the school were to come as someone out of a story today, I'd forgotten.....bad bad Daddy!!!!!! ....my insistance to Rockstar that he was Tucker Jenkins out of Grange Hill were met with glazed eyes, Tucker of course had turned into Mark Fowler way before Rockstar was born....I raced home avoiding little red riding hood as I raced out the gate...she was late anyway ....(probably pestering Granny again?!?!?!?!) I ran into the house and rumaged around Rockstar's dressing up draw....A pirate!!!!.....marvelous!!! I raced back just in time to swipe Rockstar out of the line he was walking in to the hall full of Harry potters ,Ninja Turtles ,Power Rangers, Princesses. changed him into a pirate quicker than Superman morphs from Kent into the man of steel (no he didn't come from Dover I mean Kent as in Clark!!!) and placed him back in the queue as Peter Pan ....aka Rockstars teacher smiled as she realised how devastated I was to have forgotton. Rockstar was over the moon I breathed a sigh of relief ...I asked another teacher if they would be in fancy dress all day (wondering what I was going to do with his uniform). She was in her nightie and dressing gown complete with teddy bear.......now it isn't often you can say that you were speaking to your son's teacher in her bed clothes is it!!!!
Monday night rehearsals help to ease one into the week...Boots was on fine form but Wifey and I were a bit off par ...just a bit tired we thinks. We will be for the first time in a long time a complete band next week. Barabanshik is back from his US of A adventure.....Barara boom dee ay shik will I'm sure be back with a bang ...and a crash (as drummers do) Ba ba ba ba baaaa baaaa(sang in a hawaii 5 O kind of way )shik hasn't met Boots yet. In true hot Machero style in the space of three weeks the band has lost two members gained one, streamlined it's repertoire and added a load more even dabbling into the world of original stuff written by our singer song writer extrordanaire Boots...Wifey is even mid writing a very Kate Bushy type of song which I must say is sounding good....all this while Bar bie girl ina barbie world shik has been away in Boston....phew
So I had to do some shopping and as wander around Tescos in a zombified state looking for green mini babybels....gotta try em'...they are made of goats cheese remind me a little of gbejna (pronounced jbey-na) which is a Maltese cheese. I was always going to fail in my task as Tesco's don't stock them Wifey purchased the other lot from Sainsburys......a minor detail she forgot to tell me...but I digress.....whilst pondering over the cheese issue....I overheard a conversation between an elderly lady and a teenager ...the old lady was actually teaching her Grandson to shop.......it was quite extraordinary!!! He actually had to be told about checking dates etc...Then came the killer question that almost gave me away that I was ear wigging...."Nan....so.....a....do they deliver this to us then?" he pointed to his trolley ladened with groceries......."No she replied you have to carry it to your car "........." sod this " came his reply......"I'm going to get me a laptop and order my shopping on tinternet in future" My God how did we survive without internet shopping!!!!!!!! we so lived in hard times having to lug our shopping to the car.......I wonder if in 50 years time there will be a /hovis advert with some chavvy kid on it walking out of tescos onto a cobbled street straight to his kit ladened corsa saying "aye back in them days we had to actually go shopping for our loaf of Hovis".
If that wasn't enough to make me smile I was waiting at the check out wondering if the woman in front of me was joking when she refused help packing ....does anyone actually accept help? It becomes habit doesn't it...you sidle up all happy as you are at the front of the queue "Do you want any help packing?" brain goes into autodrive.."nah!....i'll be allright" One day I'm going to say yes to see what happens....I bet the check out assistant just says "ok" and carries on as if I said no. May be if you want help packing they will just slow down rather than watch you juggle with your groceries like a contestant out of crackerjack!!!!!( flippin heck I'm showing me age now!!!!!!!) as they hurtle the food down the conveyor belt like Billy whizz on speed, anyway.......... I'm in the queue and a tannoy comes out..."BING BONG......Would a fresh manager please go to customer services BING BONG" the whole shop were clutching their sides.........I just had visions of some woman at customer services saying......"Excuse me I'd like to see the manager as I'm dying for a sh*g" the reply "oh certainly madam I'll just get someone up for the job!" .......or maybe they have mouldy managers....can you imagine that..."I don't want to complain to a Mouldy manager ....get me a fresh one!!!"
I had this insane idea this week to get back into Martial arts...I am fed up of looking down and seeing the roundness around my midrift.....nice on a Vee dub Beetle but not so good on me own body...so off I popped to a local Kickboxing class...I thought it only fair I told the Instructor about my background....It would be a bit like Damon Hill getting into a Driving instructor's car and forgetting to tell him he'd kind of done it before. I did warn said instructor that I had been inactive since about 2004 and that I would be taking it easy..........easy never came into it and the amount of situps and pushups and stretching wasn't even half the amount I used to knock out when I was competing ..but sadly 8 years on and much heavier realisation sets in
A...you are not getting any younger....
B. the satin gi trousers haven't shrunk in the wash but your belly has got bigger and
C.that it is impossible to take in breath from every orofice in your body as I was gasping so much that it felt like I was trying to do so..
I was pleased I could still deliver some jump spin hook kicks and the odd axe kick(much slower than the glory days although still faster than most )...some of my fellow trainess cottoned on......"You 've done this before haven't you".....i tried to tell them it was beginners luck but they were having none of it. It was when I landed a three punch combination,a roundhouse to the stomach and a spin kick to his head that gave it away........( I did actually have to catch my breath for a minute after mind so don't get too excited!!!!) ............. I'm feeling it today....No there will be no ring comeback, and no not even for charity, and no I will not be going for my third dan. This is just me getting fit again .
I have had no update from Jockanese K ....MBE this week ........I know several people have asked I'm sure he is ok...
.
I will leave you with the dumbest question ever asked by a journalist. Some journo was reporting on our gallant troups returning home from Afghanistan. There she was with her microphone amongst the wives and children at Aldershot as they're loved ones were coming home after six months on tour in a war zone where soldiers are getting killed daily....A young woman standing with her kids just meets up with her husband who is still in his uniform looking tired but relieved to be home........his kids hugging his camoflaged legs .
the reporter says......
"so what are you going to do now?"
What did she expect him to say?..." well actually i'm going home, eat me tea and then I'm off out out for a bevy with the boys" or " Liverpool are on telly in the Carling cup tonight it so will be a few cans in front of the telly".............his wife however answered for him ........
"We're going to put the kids to bed and then have a bit of "us" time!".....
I bet households up and down the country translated that statement into pure English!!!!!!!!
Monday night rehearsals help to ease one into the week...Boots was on fine form but Wifey and I were a bit off par ...just a bit tired we thinks. We will be for the first time in a long time a complete band next week. Barabanshik is back from his US of A adventure.....Barara boom dee ay shik will I'm sure be back with a bang ...and a crash (as drummers do) Ba ba ba ba baaaa baaaa(sang in a hawaii 5 O kind of way )shik hasn't met Boots yet. In true hot Machero style in the space of three weeks the band has lost two members gained one, streamlined it's repertoire and added a load more even dabbling into the world of original stuff written by our singer song writer extrordanaire Boots...Wifey is even mid writing a very Kate Bushy type of song which I must say is sounding good....all this while Bar bie girl ina barbie world shik has been away in Boston....phew
So I had to do some shopping and as wander around Tescos in a zombified state looking for green mini babybels....gotta try em'...they are made of goats cheese remind me a little of gbejna (pronounced jbey-na) which is a Maltese cheese. I was always going to fail in my task as Tesco's don't stock them Wifey purchased the other lot from Sainsburys......a minor detail she forgot to tell me...but I digress.....whilst pondering over the cheese issue....I overheard a conversation between an elderly lady and a teenager ...the old lady was actually teaching her Grandson to shop.......it was quite extraordinary!!! He actually had to be told about checking dates etc...Then came the killer question that almost gave me away that I was ear wigging...."Nan....so.....a....do they deliver this to us then?" he pointed to his trolley ladened with groceries......."No she replied you have to carry it to your car "........." sod this " came his reply......"I'm going to get me a laptop and order my shopping on tinternet in future" My God how did we survive without internet shopping!!!!!!!! we so lived in hard times having to lug our shopping to the car.......I wonder if in 50 years time there will be a /hovis advert with some chavvy kid on it walking out of tescos onto a cobbled street straight to his kit ladened corsa saying "aye back in them days we had to actually go shopping for our loaf of Hovis".
If that wasn't enough to make me smile I was waiting at the check out wondering if the woman in front of me was joking when she refused help packing ....does anyone actually accept help? It becomes habit doesn't it...you sidle up all happy as you are at the front of the queue "Do you want any help packing?" brain goes into autodrive.."nah!....i'll be allright" One day I'm going to say yes to see what happens....I bet the check out assistant just says "ok" and carries on as if I said no. May be if you want help packing they will just slow down rather than watch you juggle with your groceries like a contestant out of crackerjack!!!!!( flippin heck I'm showing me age now!!!!!!!) as they hurtle the food down the conveyor belt like Billy whizz on speed, anyway.......... I'm in the queue and a tannoy comes out..."BING BONG......Would a fresh manager please go to customer services BING BONG" the whole shop were clutching their sides.........I just had visions of some woman at customer services saying......"Excuse me I'd like to see the manager as I'm dying for a sh*g" the reply "oh certainly madam I'll just get someone up for the job!" .......or maybe they have mouldy managers....can you imagine that..."I don't want to complain to a Mouldy manager ....get me a fresh one!!!"
I had this insane idea this week to get back into Martial arts...I am fed up of looking down and seeing the roundness around my midrift.....nice on a Vee dub Beetle but not so good on me own body...so off I popped to a local Kickboxing class...I thought it only fair I told the Instructor about my background....It would be a bit like Damon Hill getting into a Driving instructor's car and forgetting to tell him he'd kind of done it before. I did warn said instructor that I had been inactive since about 2004 and that I would be taking it easy..........easy never came into it and the amount of situps and pushups and stretching wasn't even half the amount I used to knock out when I was competing ..but sadly 8 years on and much heavier realisation sets in
A...you are not getting any younger....
B. the satin gi trousers haven't shrunk in the wash but your belly has got bigger and
C.that it is impossible to take in breath from every orofice in your body as I was gasping so much that it felt like I was trying to do so..
I was pleased I could still deliver some jump spin hook kicks and the odd axe kick(much slower than the glory days although still faster than most )...some of my fellow trainess cottoned on......"You 've done this before haven't you".....i tried to tell them it was beginners luck but they were having none of it. It was when I landed a three punch combination,a roundhouse to the stomach and a spin kick to his head that gave it away........( I did actually have to catch my breath for a minute after mind so don't get too excited!!!!) ............. I'm feeling it today....No there will be no ring comeback, and no not even for charity, and no I will not be going for my third dan. This is just me getting fit again .
I have had no update from Jockanese K ....MBE this week ........I know several people have asked I'm sure he is ok...
.
I will leave you with the dumbest question ever asked by a journalist. Some journo was reporting on our gallant troups returning home from Afghanistan. There she was with her microphone amongst the wives and children at Aldershot as they're loved ones were coming home after six months on tour in a war zone where soldiers are getting killed daily....A young woman standing with her kids just meets up with her husband who is still in his uniform looking tired but relieved to be home........his kids hugging his camoflaged legs .
the reporter says......
"so what are you going to do now?"
What did she expect him to say?..." well actually i'm going home, eat me tea and then I'm off out out for a bevy with the boys" or " Liverpool are on telly in the Carling cup tonight it so will be a few cans in front of the telly".............his wife however answered for him ........
"We're going to put the kids to bed and then have a bit of "us" time!".....
I bet households up and down the country translated that statement into pure English!!!!!!!!
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