Why me? All I want is to sail through life without hassle and people that make my shit itch! Now I know you all know about my calamities I have with automobiles…you know the whole filling with oil and water jobby, but I felt a sharp decrease in performance recently and I just wasn’t getting much acceleration…just a horrible smell and this wasn’t due to excessive vindaloos causing nether regions to play up either…I know how you lot think!
So limping the car into my friendly mechanic I got out and he stuck his nose in the air and told me my clutch was seriously gone!!!! The problem with good mechanics is they can’t do anything …NOW! It’s always a sucking in of breath between clenched teeth and I’ll fit you in next Tuesday type effort so eventually I found out that a popular chain of clutch fitting specialists in Furze Platt could do it for me today……without naming and shaming this specialist has Clutch in the title and is referred to as Mr. Anyway I drove to Furze Platt ( an outskirt of Maidenhead) and it was sweltering a real muggy hot day I flipped on my Aircon without a care in the world…apart from knowing I was about to be fleeced of a couple of hundred pound for a new clutch that is.
So I got the car there and this twelve year old in receptionist blokey started talking cars to me. I kind of had a glazed expression on my face ….Hello! I just drive the things not interested that you don’t see many of my type car in for a new clutch and that the clutch that goes the quickest is a Ford KA but then and I quote “They are driven by Women and by men of a certain persuasion that don’t have an appreciation of the clutch”……………………get back to school ……..twat.
So I walked away leaving the stupid boy and the car behind me and had to walk to Furze Platt railway station…and it started to rain…I had no coat ….so there I am without a car in the rain walking breaking my neck cos…… I needed a pee….aha!!! I thought there is a petrol station I will relieve myself at their toilet and carry on with my adventure ……but it was out of order…… rats!!!! I’m now going to pee myself so I mince round to the railway station thinking that there would be a toilet there …..yes I did say mince remember I’m trying to stop me self from weeing . Someone stole the station and plonked a platform at a level crossing…….with no toilet . When I eventually did get to a toilet in Maidenhead it was bliss……
Later that day got the car back it was now a summery evening and I parted with my couple of hundred pounds and drove home nearly taking out a cyclist with my new over zealous clutch making me thrust forward …………oooooooeer!
I put my aircon on but though it wasn’t doing anything …got to Bracknell and thought nothing else of it……next day …it was hot……and yes the aircon was not working…….now call me suspicious……..and maybe simplistic but …
Aircon working………take car to menders ……..Aircon not working………
I reckon it is pretty much a sure deal they have done something to it…but oh no not according to the clutch place…having taken it to two branches walked across the desolate back streets of Slough (don’t know where everyone was)to and from in bright sunshine ….and now I’m stuck with no aircon……..and temperatures have not dropped below 20’ C either.
I wish I lived close enough to work not to have to use the flipping car…I’ve decided I don’t like them……we are left to the mercy of those that fix them then there are the petrol heads who adore all things car……and watch Top Gear…..I mean what an annoying “Swiss Banker” Clarkson is.? Getting excited about curvatures and 0-60 in a nano second …..wooooo hooooo how very bloody exciting …it’s a car!!!!!!…deal with it !!!!…. It gets you from A to B ……..or that is the theory.
As for Formula One …..??? Come on it is as dull as Dot Cotton’s sex life! A procession of fast cars going round and round and round ….the best car wins generally not the best driver…..and lets face it as morbid and rotten as it seems the only reason we used to watch motor racing was to see the crashes and they just don’t happen anymore….. and what’s so clever about driving on smooth roads which always end where you started from anyway?
Jensen Button ..Lewis Hamilton you don’t impress me…….drive your cars across London with a Sat Nav that knows best even when it doesn’t….. avoid getting caught on camera in a bus lane, speeding and/or jumping lights or combination of all …remember to pay your congestion charge and don’t run over any PCSOs……(well not too many anyway)
or put two squabbling kids in the back seats and do the school run whilst running late ……pah…Formula One? tis for A holes..
So I end today’s rant with another profound quote from Grand Pop’s ….our percussionist in response to post gig analysis……
“ You can dissect a frog to see how it jumps…but it will never jump again?”
Friday, 17 July 2009
Tuesday, 14 July 2009
The Great Post Office mystery
Even Mother Dearest is at it! Why is it that pensioners do this? ……let me tell…..
It must be something programmed into their heads upon reaching retirement that they must get to the post office half hour before opening about 0830 and queue up in a line twenty people deep. Then upon opening, they file in and wait for another half hour as the cashiers deal with the queue…an hour at the post office yipppeee can’t wait til I retire.…….thing is at 0930 the queue is about five deep and your total trip to the post office is 15 minutes….The problem is for those of us that work the early post office trip is our only opportunity but pensioners have all day to do it!!!!! But oh no…….got to get up early and queue ……then complain about how long it takes……
This is not a practice reserved for Bracknell pensioners only …I see it in Uxbridge too. To make matters worse you stand in the queue and feel compelled to watch a flat screen on the wall with that annoying bloke from the adverts pretending to be funny …you know the one …he’s the post office manager ….Then you hear the sweet automated sound of “ Cashier number 7 please” and off you go to your cashier………who will proceed to talk to you in a really soft voice so you have to press your ear to the little speaker on the glass to have any hope of finding out what they are saying to you……..
I find this almost as annoying as when you go into a petrol station …you buy some items and you go to the cashier and say ….” Just that please” they look at you and say “Any petrol?” I feel like saying …….” Are you calling me a liar?”……I mean why in the hell would I say “just that please” …If I had put petrol in my car I’d say “number 5 please” or “ can I have a carwash “ …….then to add salt into the wounds they do the thing I hate..(and I have broached this in a blog some time a go but for the benefit of my newer readers) They give you your change by putting the coins on the note and the receipt …so you have the bag in one hand a handful of receipts and notes and coins in the other and a queue of people huffing behind you as you put your coins into the coin compartment in your wallet and the notes in the note bit and the receipt in prime position so it can be discarded… is it just me? Or do others find this annoying too?
So tonight is rehearsal night and The band will all file into the log cabin (past the new gnome that Mother Dearest bought for us recently that wolf whistles as you go by it)…incidentally that gnome nearly got it big style the other night ……as wifey and I were in the utility room Wifey went “shhhhhhhhh!…..” putting her finger to her lips and in her bestest Sherlock Holmes looking for clues stance whispered “there is someone in the garden” I listened out and sure enough I heard a faint whistle….I pictured the scene in my head …..two burglars with swag bags …one looking out while the other jemmies the door to the Studio….the whistle was a signal to stop and stand still ……..but then I realised a cat or something must be on the gnome garden as it was the flippin whistling gnome ……We laughed and carried on the rest of the evening
As it was one of those rainy but hot drizzly nights I closed the bedroom curtains on the open window and jumped into bed ..it was midnight and bedtime…. then he started……the gnome…. wolf whistling ……one after the other ……..it was like he was saying … ”Oy tosser …hope you are nice and dry in there as I’m bloody wet out here!!” it was like Chinese water torture and minutes later I could be seen marching down the garden in me boxers turning the little bloke off……”whistle now!” I said to him……as I walked away I bet the little bleeder gave me the finger!!!!
It must be something programmed into their heads upon reaching retirement that they must get to the post office half hour before opening about 0830 and queue up in a line twenty people deep. Then upon opening, they file in and wait for another half hour as the cashiers deal with the queue…an hour at the post office yipppeee can’t wait til I retire.…….thing is at 0930 the queue is about five deep and your total trip to the post office is 15 minutes….The problem is for those of us that work the early post office trip is our only opportunity but pensioners have all day to do it!!!!! But oh no…….got to get up early and queue ……then complain about how long it takes……
This is not a practice reserved for Bracknell pensioners only …I see it in Uxbridge too. To make matters worse you stand in the queue and feel compelled to watch a flat screen on the wall with that annoying bloke from the adverts pretending to be funny …you know the one …he’s the post office manager ….Then you hear the sweet automated sound of “ Cashier number 7 please” and off you go to your cashier………who will proceed to talk to you in a really soft voice so you have to press your ear to the little speaker on the glass to have any hope of finding out what they are saying to you……..
I find this almost as annoying as when you go into a petrol station …you buy some items and you go to the cashier and say ….” Just that please” they look at you and say “Any petrol?” I feel like saying …….” Are you calling me a liar?”……I mean why in the hell would I say “just that please” …If I had put petrol in my car I’d say “number 5 please” or “ can I have a carwash “ …….then to add salt into the wounds they do the thing I hate..(and I have broached this in a blog some time a go but for the benefit of my newer readers) They give you your change by putting the coins on the note and the receipt …so you have the bag in one hand a handful of receipts and notes and coins in the other and a queue of people huffing behind you as you put your coins into the coin compartment in your wallet and the notes in the note bit and the receipt in prime position so it can be discarded… is it just me? Or do others find this annoying too?
So tonight is rehearsal night and The band will all file into the log cabin (past the new gnome that Mother Dearest bought for us recently that wolf whistles as you go by it)…incidentally that gnome nearly got it big style the other night ……as wifey and I were in the utility room Wifey went “shhhhhhhhh!…..” putting her finger to her lips and in her bestest Sherlock Holmes looking for clues stance whispered “there is someone in the garden” I listened out and sure enough I heard a faint whistle….I pictured the scene in my head …..two burglars with swag bags …one looking out while the other jemmies the door to the Studio….the whistle was a signal to stop and stand still ……..but then I realised a cat or something must be on the gnome garden as it was the flippin whistling gnome ……We laughed and carried on the rest of the evening
As it was one of those rainy but hot drizzly nights I closed the bedroom curtains on the open window and jumped into bed ..it was midnight and bedtime…. then he started……the gnome…. wolf whistling ……one after the other ……..it was like he was saying … ”Oy tosser …hope you are nice and dry in there as I’m bloody wet out here!!” it was like Chinese water torture and minutes later I could be seen marching down the garden in me boxers turning the little bloke off……”whistle now!” I said to him……as I walked away I bet the little bleeder gave me the finger!!!!
Thursday, 9 July 2009
Vindaloo, fans and Sopranos
Ring of Fire 1968….. The song popularised by the late Johnny Cash ……..Ring of Fire 2009………the vindaloo I had yesterday returns.
Yes I know I’m on a healthy eating spree and there was method in my madness……I didn’t want all those creamy curries I went for a real hot one thinking well it might just not contain as much fat……..(I’m down from 19st 4 to 17 st 1 don’t you know?) but it was an occasion…..finally like rats from a sinking ship Road Runner and Mr T are leaving the department……my move is imminent but yesterday was their day so I had to indulge a little….so it is the end of the….. Three musketeers…Three amigos……dumb dumber and downright numbskull…..I have to say that although the job I’ve been doing since working with these individuals has been dull….they have been probably the best work colleagues I have had since joining the firm 14 years ago (in two days time I would have been doing this job for 14 years to be exact) but alas all good things come to an end and although our paths will cross no doubt from time to time, I’ll kind of miss the pair of them no longer will T’s lift music quietly pump away like a badly made porn movie sound track , from his little speakers attached to his IPod…..no longer will we marvel at the way a farmers girl from Hull (or Hool ) can mutate the Queen’s English and make it sound so quaint …bringing her own special bit of Yorkshire into the London suburb of West Drayton …..no longer will Spriggan Mist’s music be ripped to shreds by their Cowell and Holden type critique…actually I probably won’t miss that bit…….if you are reading T and Roady Runner …………..I salute you………now bugger off as the new people want your lockers…..and I’m sure there is tons to write about them in these pages.
As for me?…..as stated the role has been a load of crap but it has allowed me to have quality time with the family and concentrate on the music a bit and of course write a meaningless list of pooh weekly known as The High’s at the Low End.
I don’t know why I write this you know………maybe it is some form of self help therapy… to help me make sense of my silly little world?………or maybe it is just an avenue for expression?…I don’t really know who reads it anymore although the hit count suggests there are people all over the world that do………
So the band are taking a well earned week off then we are having a bit of a conflab into what we are doing next
The band in full flow at St Joseph's (photo courtesy of Clive elkington)
…The gizmo kids are off gallivanting in their camper down in the sticks of Dorset …..I bet they have loads of Gizmo’s in that van. I reckon at a flip of a switch the draining board flips round into a mobile recording studio and the shower room a mobile time portal so Gurning boy can slip in and out of the seventies at will….talking of the seventies, the Ol’ Dawg who played at our last event (rather good in my opinion too) happened to name drop the fact that Dave Brock of Hawkwind fame back in the late 70’s came up to him after Ol’Dawg came off stage at a gig and said “ like what you do with the feed back man……” and had a five minute chat about his feedback technique…one wonders if he ever used Ol’Dawg’s tip……
The weather has been quite good recently hasn’t it except Tuesday….it hammered down and I blame Mother Dearest and her band of dribblies on their day trip to Worthing for this. I phoned up the local old bill down in the sleepy Sussex coastal resort that a drunken bunch of pensioners from Bracknell were about to descend on them and shatter the seaside bliss replacing it with an antisocial behaviour free for all. I heard that the shops were boarding up their windows and the schools were going home early just in case of trouble. Their planned march down the sea front swinging bicycle chains above their heads chanting “We are the bids we are the bids” was cancelled due to the weather and they came home frustrated as to not being able to cause mayhem…I heard that the services on the A23 had their toilets trashed and the words “ Bracknell Bids were ere” scrawled in lipstick on the mirrors in big pink letters .
Well we are starting to amass a few fans too. The OC an LSA at the youngling’s school described us as amazing and has sent our youtube links to all his friends.........poor deluded soul.
There have been a few teachers and parents that are genuinely interested in what we are doing which is cool. Then there is Mother Dearest’s pal from Basingstoke ........she is scary! She is roughly Mother Dearest’s age ...actually no one is that old ,,,,, but in that ball park....she actually owns a chainsaw!!!!!! She told me in her Hampshire twanged voice that “it’s really quite good” couldn’t tell you what she uses it for ,maybe she uses it to slice bread.... would make a mess of the formica side though. I suggested that maybe she shouldn’t wield such a thing as the Texas Chainsaw massacre sprung to mind ......but old Texas doesn’t want to know.
I’d like to end today’s offering with a quote from our very own Gran pop percussionist talking about our rigorous debrief and dissection of our performances.......
“I see music as a live and transient experience and chopping it up to see how it went is like cutting the soprano's throat to find out where the noise comes from.”
Grand pops in action at St Joseph's (photo courtesy of Clive Elkington)
Yes I know I’m on a healthy eating spree and there was method in my madness……I didn’t want all those creamy curries I went for a real hot one thinking well it might just not contain as much fat……..(I’m down from 19st 4 to 17 st 1 don’t you know?) but it was an occasion…..finally like rats from a sinking ship Road Runner and Mr T are leaving the department……my move is imminent but yesterday was their day so I had to indulge a little….so it is the end of the….. Three musketeers…Three amigos……dumb dumber and downright numbskull…..I have to say that although the job I’ve been doing since working with these individuals has been dull….they have been probably the best work colleagues I have had since joining the firm 14 years ago (in two days time I would have been doing this job for 14 years to be exact) but alas all good things come to an end and although our paths will cross no doubt from time to time, I’ll kind of miss the pair of them no longer will T’s lift music quietly pump away like a badly made porn movie sound track , from his little speakers attached to his IPod…..no longer will we marvel at the way a farmers girl from Hull (or Hool ) can mutate the Queen’s English and make it sound so quaint …bringing her own special bit of Yorkshire into the London suburb of West Drayton …..no longer will Spriggan Mist’s music be ripped to shreds by their Cowell and Holden type critique…actually I probably won’t miss that bit…….if you are reading T and Roady Runner …………..I salute you………now bugger off as the new people want your lockers…..and I’m sure there is tons to write about them in these pages.
As for me?…..as stated the role has been a load of crap but it has allowed me to have quality time with the family and concentrate on the music a bit and of course write a meaningless list of pooh weekly known as The High’s at the Low End.
I don’t know why I write this you know………maybe it is some form of self help therapy… to help me make sense of my silly little world?………or maybe it is just an avenue for expression?…I don’t really know who reads it anymore although the hit count suggests there are people all over the world that do………
So the band are taking a well earned week off then we are having a bit of a conflab into what we are doing next
The band in full flow at St Joseph's (photo courtesy of Clive elkington)
…The gizmo kids are off gallivanting in their camper down in the sticks of Dorset …..I bet they have loads of Gizmo’s in that van. I reckon at a flip of a switch the draining board flips round into a mobile recording studio and the shower room a mobile time portal so Gurning boy can slip in and out of the seventies at will….talking of the seventies, the Ol’ Dawg who played at our last event (rather good in my opinion too) happened to name drop the fact that Dave Brock of Hawkwind fame back in the late 70’s came up to him after Ol’Dawg came off stage at a gig and said “ like what you do with the feed back man……” and had a five minute chat about his feedback technique…one wonders if he ever used Ol’Dawg’s tip……
The weather has been quite good recently hasn’t it except Tuesday….it hammered down and I blame Mother Dearest and her band of dribblies on their day trip to Worthing for this. I phoned up the local old bill down in the sleepy Sussex coastal resort that a drunken bunch of pensioners from Bracknell were about to descend on them and shatter the seaside bliss replacing it with an antisocial behaviour free for all. I heard that the shops were boarding up their windows and the schools were going home early just in case of trouble. Their planned march down the sea front swinging bicycle chains above their heads chanting “We are the bids we are the bids” was cancelled due to the weather and they came home frustrated as to not being able to cause mayhem…I heard that the services on the A23 had their toilets trashed and the words “ Bracknell Bids were ere” scrawled in lipstick on the mirrors in big pink letters .
Well we are starting to amass a few fans too. The OC an LSA at the youngling’s school described us as amazing and has sent our youtube links to all his friends.........poor deluded soul.
There have been a few teachers and parents that are genuinely interested in what we are doing which is cool. Then there is Mother Dearest’s pal from Basingstoke ........she is scary! She is roughly Mother Dearest’s age ...actually no one is that old ,,,,, but in that ball park....she actually owns a chainsaw!!!!!! She told me in her Hampshire twanged voice that “it’s really quite good” couldn’t tell you what she uses it for ,maybe she uses it to slice bread.... would make a mess of the formica side though. I suggested that maybe she shouldn’t wield such a thing as the Texas Chainsaw massacre sprung to mind ......but old Texas doesn’t want to know.
I’d like to end today’s offering with a quote from our very own Gran pop percussionist talking about our rigorous debrief and dissection of our performances.......
“I see music as a live and transient experience and chopping it up to see how it went is like cutting the soprano's throat to find out where the noise comes from.”
Grand pops in action at St Joseph's (photo courtesy of Clive Elkington)
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