Monday 31 December 2007

Into the Poo ....!!!!!!

In the words of John Lennon......."So this is Christmas what have you done?" (Boots will be proud of me for that ) So here is a Christmas round up of the Hot Machero band , fans and hangers on.

Christmas eve we discovered that you can track Santa as he goes all over the world via a site called Norad.....it basically plots Santa on Google Earth. this was a great source of amusement for Rockstar our 6 year old....and his cries of " Dad, Dad Santa is over Mongolia" as he sat wide eyed on the edge of the computer chair were met with equal wide eyes and quick steps of excitement by his Mother and Father. We actually had to check ourselves.......but we get caught up in the whole Christmas thing using the Mini Machero as excuses for many yuletide occurrences such as the lights on the front of the house the decs all the way through Christmas Songs at full volume throughout the house and the waist expanding food and drink . all for which we use...."well it's for the kids innit!" really........the crate of Magners and the two bottles of Baileys? Closing up for bedtime is an hour long event in it's self at the moment.......no ....not carrying Wifey upstairs suffering from one or five too many bottles of Barcardi Breezer.....or the strain on the legs getting upstairs because of copious amounts of mince pies....no it's because of the amounts of flippin Christmas lights to turn off

It was a great Christmas in Machero Towers , Santa was kind to us all. The neighbours were away so Wifey got to try out her Line 6 Spider III guitar amp just as amps should be played..........LOUD!!!!!!

As for your truly ? Wifey brought me a wireless receiver for my Bass....Marvellous !!!!!! You see to allow the kids their time to open their presents Christmas morning Wifey and I open ours at midnight on Christmas Eve........(the fact that we used to do that before kids is neither here or there......it's for the kids innit!) So there I was at 0030 hours cordlessly plank spanking in the front room , kitchen, in the bedroom then I ran out into the street with my pyjamas on stood outside next doors house and I could still hear my Ashdown pumping bass lines . To impress the kids in the morning I did the very same, still in my jimmy jams I quickly slipped on my sandals and ran to the bottom of the garden right in the middle of "Into the deep" I trod " into the dog crap" yes Doodles our dog had left a Christmas present on the lawn.....Merry Christmas dog!!!!!!!

Mother Dearest came over for Christmas day and my brother the Dark Marge came up from Dorset for a couple of days on Christmas morning ladened with gifts for the mini Machero and generally being quite Christmassy( This is however after he managed to get lost around the ring road in town for most of the morning .....again . The Outlaws came round too and the house was filled with Christmas cheer!!! Rockstar jumped into the drumming hot seat fresh off the School Nativity play gig where he really was a star doing the drumming and percussion for the whole show. Wifey and I grabbed our musical weapons and mini minx was let loose on the mic and gave the rellies a rock version of Jingle bells and Little Donkey...The Dark Marge carried on assembling Rockstar's Hogwart's Express Hornby train set which Santa had been so generous to give him and Uncle Marge had brought some accessories for . Putting the Dark Marge on the spot I asked him in front of his 6 year old nephew " So ...how did you know Santa was going to get Rockstar a train set....????" rather cleverly he replied " Santa's Elves paid me a visit and told me.....they were female elves wearing long boots.................just long boots" he then grinned like Scooby doo locked in a Scooby Snack factory!!!!!!

Shall I talk about the band for a bit? we are busy rehearsing for the 26th of Jan gig....Barabanshik is recovering from RSI in his wrist......not a good injury to have for a drummer ...he is still bashing away though . He has re kindled his love for some of that classic rock such as Deep Purple and Led Zepp. His BMW pulled up the other day with Deep Purple pumping away even chucking it on the school CD player as we set up........His suggestion that he'd like to do a purple cover was met with excited grins by wifey and I...Boots however didn't seem as enthusiastic......and his suggestion that part of one of the Deep Purple songs was almost "Beatles like " was met with the groans of disbelief the comment deserved.. I'm going to play him some really hard thrash or speed metal ..........and run a book on how long it takes him to find a Beatles influence in it.............

Wifey is busy with America (The Razorlight song that is not the country) as it happens her Spider III has a Razorlight setting and it sounds just like Razorlight's guitarist is sitting in the back room when she's playing the riff.

Me well I'm cordlessly playing away....I've kind of got to grips with most of the bass lines for the set I'm concentrating on fine tuning them getting into time with Bara bauble and tinsel shik and learning harmonies and backing which you all know I don't really enjoy and do struggle with.

So with 2007 drawing to a close I can only reflect on an awesome year........Hot Machero has made huge leaps forward and would like to thank the band for giving me an immense sense of pride to what we have achieved so far and the potential I'm know we have. I'd like to thank former members SJ, Chippy, Diddler, Dom and Pugwash for their help along the way...the band is only 10 months old yet as I write these names those early sessions when we couldn't even get through a whole song during rehearsals in a church loft with borrowed drums and 10 watt practice amps seems like another lifetime ago. With the greatest respect to the aforementioned , their predecessors Boots and Barabanshik are very talented and more experienced musicians that are pushing mine and Wifey's boundaries constantly.
2008 is going to be even more exciting I know it!

So all that is left to say is on behalf of Hot Machero I hope you all had a great Christmas and hope you all have a fantastic New Year........

We're off to Jockanese K...MBE 's New Year's fancy dress party tonight ........yes the man is back all in one piece ....I will report on this later this week. Until next year this is the Bass man signing out .

Wednesday 19 December 2007

Jockanese K....MBE last update

At Heathrow Police station stands a prisoner's property bag ....inside a set of bagpipes........the grumpy foul mouthed lone piper finally silenced! If only til the courts let him off that is.............

A very merry festive greetings to all you Tinsel crowned hotties, mince pie filled sports fans and red breasted Trekies out there.

Well the time has come for me to call FOUR on the tour updates, even though i still have a week or so to go before departing these shores for pastures friendly. I suspect the final hole will be most difficult of all the holes by far. Our organising authorities are about to hand over the area to the locals, and our rivals have already stepped up their golf ball throwing in objection. But with our heads down and chins up, we will continue to play our way down the fairway, and the tour shall carry on.

Well the celebrities have flown the cooop so now its the turn of Mr Big cheese to pay another visit to the tour on yet another cynical PR stunt, obviously he didnt learn the painful lesson the last time he tried. With a few quotes of Churchill and Mountbatten, and with his feet firmly planted in his mouth, again he rained confusion and untruths and gave people in the homeland the impression that we would all be back for Xmas, oh what a lovely idea Mr Big, pity its not going to happen. Never mind i am sure that the homeland players will see through your veil and see you for what you are!!

On another note of a visit this week, it was my pleasure to be invited along with several other players from the Blue Airways to meet and greet out head chief. He was visiting to show his support for all the blue suited members of playing staff and organisers. So it was tea and crumpets all round, with a few tally ho's and pointed wax moustaches, slaps on the thighs, but no white scarves to be seen.

You may well remember last weeks update, i mentioned a commedian that was visiting, well he is here and starts his 1st shows tomorrow night (that's Sunday 16th Dec), and yours truly is at the premier, so ill tell you all about it when i get home, and obviously tell you who it was too, and if i am lucky ill have a picture or two that can prove it.

I would like to say thank you to you all for bearing with my ramblings over the past 4 months, and hope that they have not bored you too much and have provided a little entertainment and a few laughs along the way. Writing the updates has given me a release from the environment and the ability to laugh off some of the unsavoury elements of playing on the tour.

So for the last time, i shall sign off, pack my troubles away and take the short walk to freedom, As the song goes "Leaving on a jet plane....dont know when ill be back again....." hopefully not too soon

I hope everyone has a very merry Christmas and a prosperous New Year.

Thanks for reading.


Jockanese K Mbe


On behalf of every one connected with Hot Machero ....Jocky K ....MBE ...we salute you! hurry home .
(The sound of a lone piper playing in the Far far East can be heard as he hitch hikes towards the M1 Scotland bound!)

Thursday 13 December 2007

Birthday Club

The birthday club is an exclusive group that Wifey and I belong to. It meets on the occasion of the nearest Saturday to the 8th day of December each year and has done for a few years now…the occasion is our groupie chief baby sitter and head of the Hot Machero fan club M's…(formerly known as Fraggle)birthday . M was 38 this year yet last week she was asked for ID to prove she was 18 to purchase alcohol (this is the truth by the way!)Anyway this prestigious club sits at a table of M's choice in a local eating house and consists of her friends. We rarely all meet up any other time in the year…just on birthday club nights. The club consists of obviously M……..we tried to get her to baby sit the kids so we could go to this year's birthday club but then it would of kind of defeated the object. Then there is Wifey and I……White Van man and his wife Corky…….white van man ….drives …….a white van! Corky is called such for reasons unknown to me. I'm sure I will weasel the reason out of her but I'd like to think it is the copious amounts of corks she removes from the fizzy grape juice!!!!Then there is The Chicken man!!! He eats fresh eggs from his chickens one of which thinks it's a dog and has come running to him and laid an egg at his feet…….Yes I know dogs don't lay eggs but they fetch stuff and drop it at y……never mind. Chicken man's other half who was ill this year and was unable to partake so we'll name her next year! Then there is the Ginger whinger! He is ginger and whinges….can't say I have heard him whinge that much but then I see him for one evening once a year the rest of the 364 and a half days he may be a right whiner!!!M's sister Metal head…….no she's not a robot or anything just loves her heavy metal music though doesn't look your stereotypical metaller but nonetheless digs metal in a big way!!!!!!….then …there is the Ringer!!!!!!! I am naming this fiend the Ringer as the last time we met up we went Bowling and Ringer told everyone she had never really bowled before and the gazillion strikes she got were just …..flukey! this relegated the men of the group to loser status especially white van man !

So this year we congregated at a Noodle bar …….before going to a local bowling alley for a rematch…with our bellies full we walked through Chavsville town centre dodging chavs pissing from balconies onto the plazas below and the 10 year olds drinking diamond white outside on pub corners. It would be most unfair to actually name this town but to give you a clue it starts with "Maid" and finishes with "enhead".

At the bowling alley the girls took the challenge oh so seriously and you could see that it was going to be tough when us relaxed blokes beat them. So off we set us on our lane and them on theirs ……. well you would think that would be obvious wouldn't you….think again at one point wifey and white van man were locked in a battle of wills as they stood shoulder to shoulder hexing each others bowling ball…when Wifey decided she would throw her ball well shonky down our alley knocking a pitiful three or four pins over so white van man rolled his into the gully scoring nil point! The game was going well, evenly scored when I noticed Wifey's (always at the centre of controversy) ball bounce off the gully and hit the pins…the kid's gully rails were up …..cheats!!!!! At the end of the first game I scored the highest and our average was better than the girls the second game was similar the Ginger Whinger won it I scored enough to be the overall winner and Ringer…..won the ladies game but was still not in the bloke's calibre …..Wifey managed to get a two free bottles of bubbly because the gully rails came up on their own and they couldn't put them down in the first game ??!?!?!?!? hmmmm she complained ( she is a pro at this……..I don't mean as in she constantly whinges !!!!! I mean she is good when as a consumer she has been wronged!………) and the manager gave the group some bubbly…M took one and as victor and birthday club bowling champion I took the other . so after dodging chavs again the evening was ended in the wee hours and we all vowed as is tradition to meet up before next year (we never do !!!!!!)

If you are wondering why the text is bigger on this blog it is because my most avid readers Wifey's Parents ….aka The Outlaws find the small print a little difficult to read (They don't have a computer so I print them off you see ) So it will appear as if I'm shouting from now on….those that know me will know I'm softly spoken and as quiet as mouse!!! So it will be very uncharacteristic

The band has taken a break this week as Boots has had family commitments and Wifey and I have done the nativity thing with Rockstar who incidentally has done all the drumming and percussion for his play absolutely fantastically…...and I mean fantastic !!!!! Wifey and I have plank spanked along too with the Cat weazle the music teacher ….he is great…retired, long white hair ,long white goaty and eccentric…… oh and does Morris dancing …a right character !!!!! He's actually come to our house twice to rehearse with us …on his days off . Mini minx dressed as an angel and looked cute at her concert but I'm sure I saw the halo slip and little red horns pop up!!!! ...With a group of three year olds singing you can guarantee the following…..the cute…ahhhhhh factor….(minx was one ) there is always one child louder than the rest and usually out of tune and this year's concert one little boy had the lungs of Pavarotti (when he was alive you divs!!!!) compared to the others and the teachers had to virtually man handle him and gag him…then there is the disinterested who will roll over and lie on those gym benches and slide up and down on their backs and bellies .( was it me or does it always seem that you ended up sitting on the nobby bits on those benches?) Their parents try and attract the disintrested's attention so they can take a keepsake piccie but to no avail they couldn't give a S…ilent night!!! Cry babies………… they burst into tears as they feel like fish in a fish tank all these parents cooing and ahhhhing at their little darlings….Snot…….there is always one kid with a steady stream of thick green goo trickling from their nostrils to their mouth and when their parent's or teacher gesture to them that they have this slime descending from their sniffer they get rid of it…..yes with a great swipe of their tongue!!!!!and last but by no means least…..the tormentor…in that given scenario they will endeavour to stick their grubby little fingers in the cutest kid that is sat near them's ears or push their bum over to squash or knock them off….all this as parents miss the performance as they are busy trying to film it on their camcorders so they can view it over and over again …(or store it for 12 years or so for future boyfriend and girlfriends tee heee!) and of course the ever patient teacher who is smiling with gritted teeth she really didn't want to do the play this year but had to and when all the children and parents are gone hits the bottle saying " thank flock that's over with"

So we have been working out the play list for our next gig all 13 songs !!!! and come Monday wifey and I will be replacing little donkey with some kick ass rock again.

I end this mega blog today to let you ponder on this thought….I have worked out that around 30 to 40 people read this blog each post through myspace and blogger ( I post it in two places) I can account for about 15 ….so who are the rest? Who is reading about Mother dearest's escapades who is reading about Hot Machero? Who is reading about you?…………..curious .......very curious!!!!!!!!

Monday 10 December 2007

Jockanese K..MBE Nearly home time!

The Departure lounge at Glasgow Airport echoes with the sounds of a lone piper playing “In the far far East” the sound passes though passport control and then into the searching hall where the sound muffles only for about 5 seconds as our intrepid bard passes through the x- ray machine along with the handbags cameras and wallets. the pipes drift off to the departure gates bound for London!!! Scotland’s son returns next week the tartan army are heading south......


Welcome back to all you hotties, Sports fans and Maltese Pompy Fans out there (ok A Fan)...
Well the tour has certainly become focused this week, as the tour Tic's down into its final stretch (ok I`m winding down anyway). With just over 2 weeks of playing time left and my replacement players arrival imminent, I am finding it hard to focus on the holes in front of me, and to stop myself from getting a little bit excited about the prospect of finishing the tour. The end is in sight and that 19th hole party looms just around the corner.
Our neighbours have stepped up their attempts at disrupting the tour this week. With all the new players on the course still perfecting their swings and finding the lay of the land, the neigbours have taken the opportunity to test their resolve and find out how dedicated a golf player they are. We have seen an increase in foreign golf ball activity, and we have unfortunately seen a couple of players receive minor wounds from flying divots. I can happily report though, that one of the unlucky players can now at least sit down again with the aide of the golf carts spare tyre!!!.

Well i have some very sad news to report, during a player roundup exercise and golf ball throwing competition, i have sadly lost my new Henno hat as presented last week. In the middle of inspecting the restaurants floor for cleanliness and being ushered out back to the hotel, my hat was accidentally left behind. Some unsavoury player has decided to keep it rather than hand it in to the reception.

It seems that a new craze has hit the celebrity world called "Let's visit the troops", or as we like to call it "let's use the troops to give us good PR". We have again been visited by more B listed models, this time the topless variety (dont get too excited readers - their clothes stayed on). So cynically i have to question the true purpose of these visits beyond whipping up magazine sales amongst the adolescent male population and making all the young soldiers drool and act like flies round Sh*te. I did hear someone shouting about his nuts, until i realised that's what was printed on the girls rather small t-shirt. Wouldn't it be nice to actually have someone come out here because they have something to give other than a stiff........ Well bugger me with a fish fork and call me a Taxi.......`I can hear Jock with Pipes now.....Yoor a Taxi`, IS there such a celebrity out there?, YES there is, however due to parental concerns the said person wishes to remain anonymous. All i can say is it is a comedian, and the said person is giving up their time for free, and even closing their own club in the homeland for the duration of his visit to the tour - so our hats off to them (well i would if i still had one).......

HEALTH WARNING - The tour has sufferred a most unfortunate accident this week. A young man stripped down....(his weapon)....ready for routine cleaning on the toilet??. Instead of sticking to a strict laid down set of procedures he decided to deviate and play with his weapon, cocked it out of sync, resulting in a premature and unwanted discharge, not to mention the creation of a nice hole in one of his palms. The poor boy has now learnt a very important lesson "playing with you weapon can be dangerous, it can result in unwanted discharges and missing body parts"

SEVERE WEATHER WARNING - The tour on Friday had to be suspended due to bad weather. There have been sporadic reports of flash floods, electical fires and large brown muddy ponds springing up across the course. It is unclear yet as to how long the torrential rains will last, but if it keeps up we will require canoes and some diving gear if we are to continue the tour. Even Shrek would be happy to wallow in this swamp!!.
Well thats all for this week, next weeks update will be the last update from the water trodden course. Till then be seen, be safe and watch out for them busses, and also remember boys - dont play with your weapons......

Jockanese K.... MBE

“Air traffic control Heathrow from BA 152”
“Go ahead BA152”
“ Good morning we are heading for final descent into Heathrow we have a problematic passenger on board can you ensure we have a reception party to deal on arrival ?”
“All received 152.....can I hear bagpipes in the background?”

Thursday 6 December 2007

A rear Admission

What I hear you say another blog .....well I'm writing this over lunch so if bits of chicken and stir fry end up on your screen you know where it came from.......seriously though the reason i write today is to bring you good people of blogland .......the truth the whole truth so help me Bob!.(rugrats fans will remember Angelica saying this ...for those of you lost .....get a life! you can get Rugrats on DVD now so educate yourselves....!!!!)

My day started just like yesterday...it was raining and the Maltese word for rain is Xita (Pronounced Shitta) which will indicate exactly how the day is going!!!!!
The Mini Machero wanted to ride the bikes to school so I agreed as we left the house I looked down at my keys and realised the house keys weren't on the bunch ....I was officially locked out !!!! so a call to Mother dearest who donned her cape and mask and set off into town (where she was headed anyway) and arranged a rendevouz point to give me my lock activation device commonly know as a Key!!!!!

Anyway we got the mini Machero to school and Nursery and the heavens opened there I was riding away from the nursery when the Nursery parent commitee type person called me over to ask if I had filled in the form that I should have etc..etc... I hadn't ...she said
"that's ok ...it needs to be back before January I do apologise it's just me being anal"
I tried to empathise and wantedher to think that I too can get a bit fussy over these things but I said

"That's ok Ann...I do anal!"

As soon as the words left my mouth I cringed . the now busy bustling playground was silent I had said it really loud too! Juat in a lull of everyones's conversation! I looked round Mum's ,Granny's ,Teachers and children of this suburban mainly middle class catholic community had just heard me say I DO ANAL!......I'm sure a piece of tumble weed passed me by as I then said

" I can't believe I said that" the laughter broke out on all sides I tried to redeem my self by saying " I mean I can handle anal"

Anal woman said "really and you being on the PTA as well!!!!

" I didn't mean it like that....." then I thought my God! got to be PC here....
" not that I have anything against it " by now ribs were splitting

this was met with even more laughter all that was needed was the head and parish priest to be present and I would have made an even bigger impression.

I said to anal woman "think I better go" ....and peddled of ...fast but not fast enough not to hear a little girl in pig tails carrying her satchel ask her Mum
"Mummy what does, I do anal mean?"
I cycled off to town to meet Mother dearest!!!!!!!!

Later I was stopped by a Parent I know just to say hello to who was assisting the PTA at St Margaret Clitherow's Christmas Fete where we did the gig. She collared me outside Tescos she was carrying her children and it was raining but she stopped me and spoke with me ...and I quote

" Thought I'd come and tell you ...the band went down really well the feedback we've had has been really good loads of people have said so well done I'm sure they'll want you to play again " my reply of "Really?" was met with " seriously, you really did make that fete, thank you"

it's nice to hear it from family and friends but from strangers or someone who didn't have to say it meant a lot

Twas a proud moment

Wednesday 5 December 2007

Crumpets and wine

It just wouldn't stay up....I pulled it and yanked it ,put more sticky hooks on it, tied it ,even put pins in it....... all I could do was stand on my doorstep and watch it flop down again..I was trying to get this Christmas garland surrounding our front door to stay up but it was being ....what did I call it at the time?......... a Mucking banker I think?

It was drizzling I was due to go to work so I'm standing there in my shirt and tie defeated in the drizzle standing amongst an illuminated reindeer and twinkly stars and more LEDs than piccadily circus and a "Santa stops here" sign.....oh really....?.... well would he like to put the b@stard garland up then ? So I managed to get it to stay up and proceeded to place 240 blue LEDs in the hedge..........as I put one side up the otherside fell down, picked that length up and the first bit fell down. I played this see saw game what seemed a hundred times....eventually after a ruck with the hedge it looked well smart with lots of twinkley blue lights, I..., on the otherhand didn't...... I looked like I was going into battle camouflaged with bits of bush all over me.

The night before at rehearsals I had taken some very important video footage of Boots with his acoustic guitar playing some of his work such as This is England ,Down to Earth ,Count to a Million and Songbird all of which at some point will become Hot Machero songs. My next task was to very quickly down load the footage and then burn the tracks on to DVDs for Wifey,Barabanshik and I to work on our bits and eventually it will all come together in some resemblance of a song...........it worked on Happy New Year.....So with next to no time left I connected the video camera up to the PC.......eagerly I awaited the software to kick in.........now all of you who have a computer will sympathise.....it's a procedure I 've done ....every week ....pop the USB line in and there you are the software opens ,it down loads,you edit the video select a background and call the DVD whatever you like and you have your DVD.......except today, I was in a rush!!!!!!! so the damn software wouldn't work, so I'm frantically looking at all the connections restarting the computer........ swearing at the computer ....pleading with the computer...on my knees and begging the sodding computer eventually Wifey on the phone talked sense and told me to put it down take a deep breath and ........leave for work aggghhhhhh!!!!! I couldn't............ I had another mission.
My next mission was to retrieve a parcel that had been attempted to be delivered twice last week and as a punishment for not cancelling my life to wait for the deliveryman , it was taken to a warehouse about 20 miles away ......but I was given a map that could of been and might as well of been any other town in England. Aptly I had to look for Coronation Street I nearly phoned up Mr T as he never misses an episode......but what this sorry excuse for a map didn't tell me about was width restrictions and no left turns. As I turned down some residential road with humps in I realised I'd gone wrong and had to stop as the biggest hump was the one I had ....so I did a 300 point turn in this little road and upset a Mildrid standing on her drive just in case some hapless parcel seeker just happened to have the audacity to turn down her road and make a meal out of a three point turn.......well she looked like a Mildrid! I gestured with my fingers to her it only took two minutes........ so she could go and get a coke and a smile and get a life! Eventually I found the delivery company the second time I had driven up the road......I cursed myself.... how the flying fat had I missed the premises the first time with about 5 delivery vans all liveried up with the logo I had on my piece of card advising me I had to take this journey miles out of my way because of that imortal sin of being out......After checking I had got the right place, made that mistake before!...(check out blog named ..Our best gig yet dated Friday 20.07/2007) I thought out aloud to one of the delivery drivers of the five very stationary delivery vans and suggested if they weren't so stationary I wouldn't of been made to collect my delivery myself.. Anyway I came away with a nice big box and scooted to work.

I had yet another adventure with Mother dearest last Saturday..........I decided we needed some groceries from Sainsburys mother dearest was with me and the mini Machero......So we pull outside the store after being pipped to the last parent with grandparent bay!!!!! for the umpteenth time ......so I park the Machero mobile up on the otherside of the carpark and we set off hiking to the door entrance ...mother dearest started sniffing the air and in true scooby doo and shaggy style following the graphic cartoon scooby snack smell......Mother dearest and my six year old Rock star were off to a Flora Margerine stand giving away crumpets with.........yes buttery like Flora upon it. After her obligatory inuendos involving Crumpet and the amount of time since etc...etc.. i managed to prize her away into the store .........don't know as if it was cos it was food....more because it was free and it would be rude not to....but at the deli counter she was like a hawk she spotted the last bits of sausage roll on a stick ....sliding past an old dear whose fingers were poised over the paper plate like Gavin Hastings heading for the try line swifting the lonely piece of sausage roll and moving off down the aisle spotting the chocolate and wine promotion......I tried to persuade the lady with this lovely desert wine not to give mother dearest the alcohol .....but it was too late she was swigging the drink before I could say Alcoholics anonymous.....all that was left was Mother dearest to let out a huge burp and undo her top trouser button and it would have been the end of a right feast. Then she spotted another free promotion and with the dexterity of a jedi knight dodged some rogue trolly being pushed by an old boy with a dodgy wheel (the trolley not the old boy) she approached the stand and only through my quick hand swifting the bottle away did I prevent Mother dearest from downing a sample of handcream!!!!!????!?!?!?!?

So I leave you all with the fact that this is blog number 90! I feel like David Beckham (no I don't have golden balls) I feel like Becks going for my 100th cap .......he's one short me I'm 10 short....as I ponder on how we are to mark this special occassion I leave you with that age old riddle......

Is Smurf Poo Blue?

Sunday 2 December 2007

Jockanese K..MBE and the pavement Pizzas

(Sung to the tune of Robin hood...you know riding through the glen!)

Jocky K Jocky K back in his den
Jocky K Jocky K with his band of men.
He had a big hat
cos his head is fat
Jocky K Jocky K.......Jocky K

Welcome to another excruciating episode of the Desert Classic Gu(o)lf tour 2007, the tour brought to you from a dusty and baron place......(no not my wallet).

Well leading on from players visiting hospitals in previous weeks, we have now been plagued with vairous ailments (Flu type symptoms with the urge to produce pavement pizzas by the barrel load - YUK!!) this is of course causing a temporary interruption to the tour. Fingers crossed with only 3 weeks of the tour to go, ill be ok and avoid such un-pleasantires (news flash i have the Man Flu!!!)

Well it has been a relatively quiet week this week, with only a couple of incidents to report on by way of Golf ball activity - touch wood, fingers crossed it stays that way.

I however was surprised this week by my fellow players. To give you a bit of background, we are issued what is commonly known as a floppy hat with our uniform. Now these hats have a very similar appearance to flying saucers, or fisherman's hats. Most of our groundkeeper types here have the hats altered to reduce them in size, thus reducing their somewhat embarrasing look. I my self being of Scotish origins, would not dare dream of spending my hard earned golf winnings on such alterations, rather if its issued that way, it stays that way. You can well imagine a certain amount of ribbing has therefore ensued throughout the tour in my direction from my friends and fellow players, but i stood fast and refused to alter my hat. So whilst on the mid tour break and unbeknown to me, my friends and fellow players colluded together and obtained a spare floppy, and proceeded to have it altered to a lesser embarrasing size. They also paid to have said altered hat embroidered with the name "Henno MBE", in reference to a Sgt Henno from the TV programme `ultimate force` and the character whom Ross Kemp played (although i believe i still have a bit more hair than him). So with me in the homeland my room mate was tasked with a stealthy mission, to raid my drawers and find my embarrasing unaltered floppy (he has since been severely reprimanded and told never to root in my drawers again!!!). Unfortunately for him, he did not find said floppy, and upon my return it was returned to my head where it belonged. To cut a long story short, my friends and fellow players proceeded to embarrass me in the mess in front of the whole camp, unceremoniously removing my large floppy, and presenting the new one... I would therefore like to thank my friends,,, Big T, Bernie, Tracie F, Debs , Dex, Donna and Scottie my roomie, for the new hat and new nickname.

Well we have again been graced by a visit from some famous people, mind you we are a little on the dissapointed side. Usually when we get visits they are from actors or politicians so no explanations required. This time however we were visited by a model, now you would expect that given what she is famous for, she would have at least demonstrated her skills for the troops (Its ok Mrs Jockanese - i stayed in my office the whole time and saw nothing!). In case you wondered who she was, it was Teddy Sheringham's Ex Daniella Lloyd. Mind you she did cause a few laughs, especially when she made some whistling noises as the wind blew through the gap between her ears. The girls were all giving it, ooh look she has hair extensions,, and one commented having seen her in the shower in the morning that she had an orange peel for a bottom - I can only assume by this she was either confused with her fruits and meant peach (ooh err), or the girl has cellulite and in which case it proves air brushing really does work. All the blokes could rant about was ooh what a nice pair or coconuts and a nice peach of a .......oh so typical of blokes.

We were also granted an audience with Mrs Fern Britton this week of `This Morning` fame as well as `Ready Steady Cook`, now we know she was not out here sampling the local delicases for Ainsley Harriot, nor was she out here to try the tour Diet, so somewhat of a mystery was her visit. It was suggested by a player that maybe she was out looking for Phil's Gopher!!!!.

Well the tour only has 3 weeks left to run, with only 2 more updates from the course itself, ill sign off until next weeks update, i hope you are not all out spending wads of cash on christmas presents - unless they are for me of course and you are all well.

Jockanese K MBE


The sound of bagpipes echoes around a cold blustery Scottish loch ....the camers pans around and instead of the lone piper there is a ghetto blaster sat on the side of water..............where is the lone Piper

Saturday 1 December 2007

Cruella and the Pig Hugger

It is all change in our office at the moment . Some of the staff in my office work out in the field and only come into the office in the evening. One of the newest of these staff is a girl known as Pig hugger. You see pig hugger is so called because she has done exactly that in the past …but that is another story

Pig hugger is Finnish…(no I don’t mean she is all done…she’s from Finland) She has an accent like the Swedish chef from the Muppets….as we are all very culturally minded, Pig hugger has endured the 120 questions regarding Finnish and Finland…she has been very patient …and even kept her cool when asked if she liked Monty Python’s song called Finland…..Mr T even pointed out that Finland has the third highest number of guns owned by it’s populace…..we had a lengthy discussion about the inappropriate comment that was made about Finnish being gun toting maniacs….she has taken it in her stride and I’m sure she is getting tired of telling how a girl from Helsinki ended up in London . Personally I don’t know what the fascination is with all things Finland . My colleagues and I are now well in the know about Santa’s homeland………..……did you know Nokia was from Finland too?

No Mr T early yesterday morning, no idle chitter chatter about “I’m a celebrity get me out of here “with Road runner. Is it just me or are others getting tired of reality shows? …..I mean ok….. Celebrity get me out of here is kind of cool I suppose but come on….Strictly come dancing,..X-Factor ?……I have managed to not get sucked in again to the latter. It’s just a way for Louis Walsh and Simon Cowell churning out a one hit Christmas number one.. What happened to the garage bands the endless gigs and hardwork getting to the top…..No!….. Everyone wants success now and as easy as possible….

What do these judges actually know anyway? Did you know that once Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin talent show competition as himself and came third!!!!!!!!

Thursday 29 November 2007

Jokanese K ...MBE speaks

In the far far East rings out from the lone Scottish piper walking accross the hallowed turf of Hampden park ..the stands as empty as the Scotland trophy cabinet th...........pipes let out a deflated sound.

"Oiy yoo ! blog man! why yoo taken the p**s oot of Scotland ! at least we failed with pride went out f#=^ing fighting with the World champions!!!England were a disgrace and as for Malta?

Releasing Braveheart on widescreen has a lot to answer for!!!!!


Welcome back to another exciting episode of the Desert Classic Gu(o)lf Tour 2007, the tour guaranteed to give you insomnia, lose you 2 stone, turn all your hair grey and leave your skin looking like a pimpled teenager all over again.

Well it has been a busy old week in the golf club, with some players ending their rounds and new ones joining the tour, ready to try out their new clubs and see if they too can hit a few birdies or hole in ones!, whilst trying to stay out of the bunkers.

It is with a smile that marks a happy end to my playing partner Big T's tour (no don't miss read me, we will miss him - honestly). Having already started playing the course way back in May, he was well and truly in full swing when i arrived. He has managed to develop his swing, as well as his accuracy on the dart board and his quiet manner and dry sense of humour will be missed by all on the tour. He has managed to get himself fit using the "dodge" method of training, or more commonly known as "dodge the golf balls", he has recorded a whopping 800+ during his tour. We therefore have to say welcome or is it Wilkommen to the tour, his replacement `slim jim`, having arrived from the fatherland with the sound of marching boots, crisply pressed uniform and a level of high spirits not seen since happy hour at the Britney Spears family reunion. We shall have to wait and see if he is a true hitter or a daisy cutter, or like my brother in law - a zigzag tree hugger (sorry gary you know its true). We also have to say a big hello to the `whinging wives` replacement player, as he has also arrived to play the course. He has been unfortunately named after a famous dead Egyptian, no i dont mean King Tut, nope he is named DODI, not by birth name but by looks - poor fellow.

Wwll we have as usual been busy playing dodge the ball again this week, with an increase in our rival's efforts to disrupt the tour from last week. I am however beginning to suspect that someone is watching me, as for some strange reason ever since my round started they mostly seem to start throwing golf balls as i am talking - `what do you mean - nothing unusual there then`..........I of course mean that i am usually in the internet cabin talking with Mrs and Junior Jockanese K on MSN. Thankfully again, they were way off the mark and the course has been unaffected and the tour continues.

Well as Jock with the pipes, has reared his kilt up again - I would like to point out that just to make us feel more at home with our kinsmen, it has started to rain out on the tour, so we feel well at home (ok well maybe not at home). This turn of weather could prove difficult for the tour and its players, given our hotels are situated on dirt flats, so we are expecting to get a little sticky over the coming weeks. Look out for further updates (thats if i am not bogged down in some muddy pond by then, or floating away in my cofin).

Well thats all for this week, so with my head down and chin up, ill sign off till next weeks update. Be safe and Well.


The sound of the pipes echoing down the players tunnel. The lone piper smartly dressed in kilt and Croatia top and a smug smile on his

Monday 26 November 2007

Back Gigging

I t was about –3 degrees I was unloading the hot Machero sound system speakers and instruments out of the car cursing the criminal fraternity of this world …as if I could trust a couple of grands worth of equipment in the Machero mobile overnight I wouldn't have to load up again in the morning. It was Friday we were supposed to have had a really quick run through the set for the next day our 5th gig our first with the bootster. We had agreed we'd tune down a semitone to assist in poor old boots' voice so he could hit the highs in Merry Christmas everyone…the result of which meant the whole set sounded dull and down beat…….I threw a wobbler at one point when trying to get our mad cap drummer Barabanshik to kick off in time with me and Wifey at the right time in "Chasing Cars" ….I looked over to him to give him a nod but his eyes were shut in a trance …happily drumming away totally missing the cue as his bass player was dancing in front of his drum set pulling the most extra ordinary faces …this threw everyone out and Bara ban ana man shik 's smiley little face did little to dampen the fire that raged within me…less than 16 hours to the gig and we were making fundamental errors I showed my disgust and we performed the song better the next time round…..Bara band on the run shik's eyes were as wide as saucers for his cue when it arrived this time!!!!!!! Then I cocked up my backing and Baraban boom boom shake da room shik was too much of a gentleman to pass comment….although as we got round to Dakota he stopped us told us all to tune back up as it sounded awful and if we tuned down again he would kill us!!!!!!! We did so and normal service was resumed except our 45 minute rehearsal turned into near 2 hours which meant there I was at near 11 pm heaving amps and speakers into Machero towers wondering how we were going to fair on the morrow………

The morrow came and the same amps were being carted out through the same frost only this time my little roadies Rock star and Mini Minx assisted ……at 1100 O'clock we were all there at the hall ( after turning down the wrong road twice ) Boots' family never actually got there (rumour has it they are still travelling around the ring road in Bracknell as we speak) We sound checked ……sounded good …we were on form……the PTA lady came up to me rather worried ……the head teacher had complained we were too loud……..!!!! ROCK 'N' ROLL…….!!!!!!
I reassured her that with a hall full of people the noise would be absorbed and it would be fine …Hee hee heee!!!!

With minutes to go Boots gave Baraban been to London to see the queen shik last minute instructions not to go mad on his drums…you see his flair and brilliance is sometimes lost on our Bootster as he is thrown in to turmoil by a spur of the moment piece of brilliant filling by our drummer extra ordinaire….Baraban bun in the oven shik looked at me with almost as much devilment in his eyes as he has in his hands!!!!!!!

I then noticed that Boots was going to perform without the use of a safety harness ……yes no chords no words!!!!!!! At last a front man that doesn't need words…hurrah .

Our set list was
Into the deep ,
Chasing Cars ,
Happy New Year,
Mr Rock n Roll,
Dakota ,
Merry Christmas everyone
and encored with She's Electric.

Happy New Year is the first truly Hot Machero song…..Words and music written by Boots and almost discarded as not meeting up to requirement but resurrected for Hot Machero I put a bass line to it Wifey does this Marillion esque guitar bit over the top and Baraban born to be wild shik after many different variations puts a killer drum beat to the song….so the credits will read words and music written by Wilkins arranged by Hot Machero….We are all very proud of that song I think it's a shame it's seasonal really…

The gig went really well there are a few points for development but we went down well and friends and family who have seen most of our gigs have said this was the best thus far and this is a lot to do with the personnel change. With the greatest respect to those who trod before ,Boots has raised the bar……..

So a job well done …what's next? Back to rehearsals …we are recording a few demos and expanding our repertoire….America by Razorlight is getting the next Hot Machero touch!!! And another original song called Down to Earth…….

Hot Machero are back!

Wednesday 21 November 2007

Rooney's toe nail clippings

The Diddler former rhythm guitarist for Hot Machero was at a charity boxing event last weekend. He’d had one or too many beers and was sat during the charity auction staring at his pint pot muttering in his thick Scouse accent that his mate Brian would not find him and his mates as they were now sat at a different table. The auction was well under way and the bidding had reached £750 for a small bag of Wayne Rooney’s toe clippings or some other pants celebrity prize!!!!
The Diddler spots Brian at the entrance to the hall and his little face lit up as he threw his hands into the air and shouts in Scouse-anese
“Hey Hey oooover ere mate!”
The auctioneer ‘s voice excitedly announced “£800 pounds from over here thank you sir” The Dids looked round in horror to see the auctioneer pointing to him. His faced paled into a pasty white as the item was ....”going...... going....and S..” at the last minute a bid for £850 came in and the Dids was saved from being severely beaten to a pulp by his Linda as he returned home spending short of a grand on something as worthless as Steve Maclaren’s match tactics........
Well twas Wifey’s birthday Monday so at the weekend Mini minx was looked after by M...formerly known as Fraggle and Mokey.....now only known as .....M .
Mother dearest looked after Rockstar. Wifey and I disappeared up to London for a weekend break ,caught a show and did all the things you do in London these days........no I didn’t mean do a mugging , partake in drugs and sleep rough......I mean shopping ,a meal and generally walked our legs off .
Saturday is drawing nearer, rehearsals are going well for the gig although my voice is still not back to normal and there is a doubt as to if I will be able to sing one of the songs and some last minute tweaking may have to be done. The Dark Marge isn’t coming up from Dorset though which is a shame....I took advice from him regarding the Boots man being a Wizard ...and if there was a link between Wizardry and the Beatles ...but even the Marge didn’t know......I think the word Beatles is a spell word as every time Boots says “ Well the Beatles.........” I get the urge to smack him over the head with my bass. Although I quite like the fab four I think their best work has been covered by others !!!! (Sorry if You are reading this Boots) Helter Skelter by U2 is a prime example as is Strawberry Fields by Candy flop and dare I say it risking social suicide Wet wet wet’s A little help from my friends!
Nuff blogging ...more later this week

Jockanese K...MBE..Returns to duty

A lone piper walks along a sand swept runway littered with craters. Peppered bullet marks scar the building he walks past as he meticulously plays the opening bars to "In the far far east there's a dirty little beast on his bagpipes!...He dive's for cover as his playing has attracted the unwanted attention of a group of battle hardened soldiers now taking aim at our hapless piper........then a commanding voice bellows

" OK ok leave the piper alone he's on our side save it for the enemy"


Hello to all you hotties, sportsfans and Star Trekers out there - welcome back to the final stages of this years 2007 Desert Classic Gu(o)lf Tour. With the mid point break over, the players have recharged their batteries and are ready for the final push to the 19th hold.
Having departed the course in the early morning hours of the 6th, it was of no surprise to me to find our airline running late due to aircraft handling problems - would you believe it - the Kuwaities could not find anywhere for the aircraft to park, and i thought i had problems on Saturday mornings at ASDA. Never the less it was only a minor delay to the journey and the look on Junior Jockanese K's face when i arrived home would make even the hardest person melt to mush, i can tell you.
It was mighty nice to make it home to celebrate Junior Jockanese's 7th birthday, and participate in her party. Having the chance to re-acquaint myself with family, friends and speak to my folks on the phone a few times, all in all slip myself back into my life again. don't tell Mrs Jockanese, but i even enjoyed going shopping....shhhhhhh. I also managed to teach myself what a hoover is for, rediscover methods of cleaning not only the bathroom and toilet but wait for it....the oven too, although i must admit i did do the typical bloke thing and only do half a job.
So after a well earned 7 days in the extremely cold homeland (well it was freezing to me), it was time to depart the homeland and make the epic journey to pay homage to the sun god, the lord of the mighty golf swing and chant "swing bara bara swing" to the deflector boys. Departing the homeland we were only 1 hour late, then we ventured over to the land of the Hunn, where we were scheduled to take on new players for the next tour. This should have ben a relatively smooth operation apart from the fact that these new players golf clubs took up more weight than predicted, so evolved a large game of musical chairs (without the music) around the aircraft in an attempt to re-ballance the aircraft as it was nose heavy. So after what seemed like an eternity we finally started to rumble down the tarmac, and keep rumbling down the tarmac, and with a little bit of trepidation it eventually lifted off the ground into the star filled sky. So next on the journey was Kuwait, and we arrived on time only to find that we would not be returning to the course that morning as planned, as the runway of our course airport had been damaged by some unwelcome flying golf balls. Well in the end we arrived after some 36 hrs.
So the tour is back on and has restarted, in my absence some players have found romance, some took a well earned rest in the local hospital (falling down a pot hole in the dark), and my cofin has grown a lid, AND i have been doing a bit of Kerb crawling - YES i have and NO its not what it sounds like - honest guv.... Having spent a week in the UK driving the JockMobile on the left hand side of the road, I have returned to driving the golf card on the right (ok love i know its a posh Golf Cart). To my passengers shock whilst transiting from work to the course restaurant and with my mind elsewhere i proceeded to leave the fairway, mount the kerb and drive on the rough stuff for about 10 metres before rejoining the fairway. So you can well imagine i was glad it was dark and there were no witnesses or course officials, i have however had no end of ribbing since.
Last but not least,, your favourite Hot Machero Bass Player and occasional squealer mentioned that a few of you hotties have questioned whether or not these updates paint a true picture of life here on the tour, i can only answer Yes, the truth it is,, however just in case you fell into a sand trap, i am not really playing golf on a golf course!!!!...
Well having read "Jock with the pipes" rantings about wind swept beaches, lashings of rain, i can kind of of concede that indeed it is rather cold at the moment in the homeland. However may i suggest a scarf, gloves and a tranditional tamishanter (or bonnet to you non-jocks out there), as this may help put the wind back in yer pipes, as a true Scotsman that i am sure he is, i would not dare suggest the wearing of thermal undies under the kilt for fear of a VPL.
Jockanese K MBE

Lone piper walks off into the sunset over the sandy runway "In the far far east is interupted as a clatter of pipes and player disappear as if by magic from thin air as a cross Scottish voice shouts

"Who the F=*K put this f*&%ing crater in the f$+_ing way.............get me oooot help help get me oooooooooot"

Tuesday 13 November 2007

Gone all gone!!!!!!!

Gone!!!!!.................... after 10 years .....gone!.....Rockstar cried " I want my Daddy back!" Gone..!!!!!!!

Rockstar cried his eyes out ...his Daddy's beard had gone....wifey came in from a hard days's work on a Saturday and said all day she was thinking I should shave it off.....so I did.I grew my goaty in 1997 and apart from a very brief encounter with the razor in September 2002 when wifey threatened to put my head in a paperback unless I grew it back it has been on my face since that day. Most have said I look ten years younger ...does that mean I look 26 then ?.....no I just don't look 46 anymore!!!!!!!!!!

I left work early on Friday and rushed to an emergency appointment at the doctors as my voice hadn't been right since three weeks back...I was croaking like Joe Cocker and my throat started to hurt ....I had Laryngitis ...the doc stated it is common in singers and people who used their voices loads ....I'm reliably informed by my work colleagues Mr T , Road runner and my boss Cruella that I was a dead cert to get it!!!!!!!! so I've been prescribed steroids and antibiotics to help mend the old vocal chords before the 24th for our first gig with the bootster as our front man! I am also not speaking at work I have buried myself into my PC surgically attached myself to my earphones attached to my Ipod and blasted out Marillion all day!!!! wicked! Incidentally upon hearing of my plight at the doctors from my text update to my illustrious leader ..Cruella replied .....

"Steroids! will u be growing boobies or is a sudden increase in hair growth be likely?" then I arrive on Monday without my beard that I was carefully cultivating into a point !!!!

Jockanese K ...MBE flew into Blighty for a week's leave it was little miss Jokanese K's 7th birthday party and it was good to see them all. Now wifey and I have lost a stone in three weeks due to being really good with our food...so when the hotdogs came round at this kiddies party I refused thinking that if I stand next to Boots on stage people might sing the Fatty and skinny song.......you know

"Fatty and skinny were sat in the bath ....fatty blew off and made skinny laugh!!!!"

so I declined .....later on I thought maybe I can just have a frankfurter .......I looked into the hallway ..... no one seemed to be in the kitchen area. I side stepped the children intently watching the children's entertainer faff around with a story before she showed the children in what a small space you can keep a large bunny ....some party old bugs had!...... Anyway I went to the kitchen door and saw the large pot with some very lonely frankies in it I inched into the kitchen looking over my shoulder as I was just about to commit the dasterdly deed..... I tiptoed in, sylvester styly.....my Tweety was a fat frankie sitting in a pot.....I then noticed preparing the cake behind the door Mrs Jokanese K...... with her auntie smiling as I reached the pot.......I put on an air of I don't care on my face produced my strumming fingers circled them in the air and plunged them into the pot ........unknown to me ...it had just stopped boiling !!!!!!!!!! aghhhhhh!!!!!!!!! Mrs Jokanese K was now on the floor clutching her sides ......partly at my plight of getting my fingers burnt and partly because ....she didn't tell me....that I would burn my fingers!!!!!! ......now I know why it is called a hot dog!!! I however called it something else beginning in FFFFFF and ending in ucker!

Sorry for the noticeable delay in writing my masterpieces but this was due to Sky and BT not getting their act together and our broadband crashing at the exchange....it was awful Wifey went nearly two weeks without E-bay!!!!!! luckilywe'd ordered her birthday present before it went down.......gone is the complicated Boss Guitar multi effects pedal ...in is the snazzy simple to use Behringer pedals and board complete with case....it sounds great!!!!!

A terrible thing happened to wifey and I on Saturday...yes yes....We got sucked into X-Factor ......I know it's really hypocritical of me as I have slagged off the whole concept but how the hell did that twerp that kept crying ever expect anything else but elimination from the show after completely masacaring Chasing cars by Snow Patrol!!!! Now this is number 2 on our set on the 24th November and Boots sings this ten fold better than this cry baby thing on the telly. How the hell did Bevereley be considered for elimination!!!! British public you've done it again! you never cease to amaze me!.....what's next Hot Machero for Christmas number one? .............exactly!!!!!!!!

Might have to watch it next week......seeing Louie Walsh completely dis Dani Minogue was very very funny.

Dani------ " You and Simon are completely out of touch!!!!!!"
Louie------- " Oh really....that's why we are turning out number 1 hit records and you are not!"................priceless!

Have you all seen the latest photos of your favourite band on our myspace? no ...why?call yourselves Hotties!!!!! these were taken at last week by our neighbour the Duke! we like them and we thank him profusely for giving up his Saturday afternoon to take pictures of us...did you notice that Barabanshik has in his hand a big fat Lah-di (Lah di dah.......Cigar for those of you from the sticks!) He had one of his best Cubans on the go. Rumour has it that Mamma Barabanshik is in the country having seen the pictures to tell him he is a very naughty boy! or the equivalent in Armenian. She is coming to the gig on the 24th so that means we will have two fans with Mother dearest promising to turn up too.

We are hoping more of you turn up from out there ....this is Boots' first outing with us and I think we sound the best we have so far.....(and am sure we can be better) If all goes well and we get an encore we'll play for the very first time an original song written by Boots but never performed before..........so in true Ibiza style ...............................come on everybody .............................make some noise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday 30 October 2007

Band update

I don’t often write proper band news on this blog and the expectation that I be funny each blog has indeed overtaken the point of this whole project which was for Wifey and I to push the boundaries of two parents of young children in our thirty somethings forming a band and seeing how far we could realistically go (don’t get us wrong ...there are no delusions of grandeur at Machero towers I can’t seeing us making a living from this project etc...etc..but I‘m sure we can be a successful local gigging band. ) but I just feel the need on this occasion to let you all know what is happening with Hot Machero for a change!!!!

Next gig is the St Margaret Clitherow School Christmas Fayre on 24/11/2007. this is a very important gig for us as it will be our first outing in our new improved line up. We will be playing six or seven songs two of which will be Christmas hits....a few new covers and some of our old favourites. We will be using this gig to hand round as many flyers as possible to promote the band and maybe get some paid gigs. Incidentally members of the St Margaret Clitherow PTA came down to rehearsals on Friday to see for themselves what they were letting themselves in for and each song was met with cheers and one of the ladies asked if we would accept a gig at a pub in Binfield where she works if she could arrange it.....(this has happened before ....so although pleased at the suggestion until such time we are playing to a pub full of people ...I’ll not get too excited).......Boots our suspect wizard singer was however grinning like a Cheshire cat as they suggested he sounded just like John Lennon!!!!! they genuinely seemed impressed at our music...which was nice.

We are taking photographs next Saturday afternoon for our flyers ....should be fun. We have also been booked in for the 26/01/2008 at a nightclub in Reading (can’t say which one yet as it isn’t a done deal) Most of you will remember James (locker room liaison blog fame) he did actually sing “I want to Hold your hand “ with us at our very first gig ( although we thank him profusely ....he however doesn’t sound like John Lennon) well it’s his 30th birthday and we are apparently headlining the show ......ha ha ha!! scary I know! there will be at least another band and some solo artists before us and we will be doing a 40 minute set with fully mic’d up drums and a professional PA with sound engineer ,lights etc etc... It will also be a chance for us to play some of our own stuff .

We are currently going through Boots’ songs seeing what will work for us. They have obvious Beatles influence and are good well-written songs that we are enjoying playing . .“Sticks and Plates “ is nearly at the performance stage of it’s Hot Machero life. Wifey has been inspired by Boots and has written a song called the “The Wrong Tune” It got it’s first rehearsal on Friday’s rehearsal and Barabanshik has put a great drum beat to it and it sounds kind of tribal but with wifey singing in her “Kate bush esque” way it really sounds different. Barabanshik also likened it to early Black Sabbath and Boots heard a bit of Rush in there too. The song stuck in my head all weekend and I must admit I really do like it. I think the rest of the band do too . She is in the process of writing another which is sounding good too.

Saturday 27 October 2007

Jockanese K...MBE and the strange sucking noises

Another gripping installment from our intrepid reporter out in the middle east...

(cue the music.......As a lone bagpiper walking along a blustery ledge of a Scottish Castle’s bastion plays “In the Far Far East.there‘s a dirty little beast.”.......drifting off into the echoey distance of the rainy lochs )



G'day, Ola, Howdee and Guten Tag to all you crazy Hottie band lovers, sports fans and a special Hello to all the little people out there - no i am not talking about the vertically challenged, i am talking about all of the little offsprings out there.
Well this will be the last update for a good few weeks, its ok wipe your eyes dry, the tour is only taking a much needed mid tour break - well some of the players are anyway (specifically me) at the start of November, returning to homeland base camp to see Mrs and Miss Junior Jockanese K MBE, and trying hard not to annoy their routine too much. That is of course if our favourite Airline actually departs the course on time, given the frequendcy of the flights and the long hours of the aircrew they have a habit of either a. breaking down, b. breaking down, and occasionally c. breaking down, but fingers, toes, legs and eyes crossed (ok maybe not the eyes i might bump into things), ill be home for a well deserved break.
Well i hear you asking, what has been going on, on the tour ? well we had a quiet start to the week, and then i opened my big gob (as usual i hear some of you say - and yes my size 11 feet do fit in) on MSN and low and behold, no sooner had the words left my fingers we were hit by golf balls, again luckily our deflector grid defended the course and no damage or players were hurt. Onto a more nicer subject the weather here is now changing thankfully, as it is now only reaching the high 30 Degs during the day, and its cooled of dramatically at night, so pleasant sleeps all round (I would apologise for mentioning the weather, in case i upset any readers given the state of the weather in the homeland, but i wont as my tan is coming along just nicely thanks).
Well i have had a few days of piece and quiet this week, with my roomie moving across to our new sister course across the border, so ive had the room all to myself, and i can safely say its been bliss. Many of you may not have experienced the wonderful delights of sharing such a tight compartment with a fellow human being, never mind a sweaty hairy ArXed player, but after a while the smell can be quite bad. Ah i hear you say, get air freshener, a bit of shake and vac or I know Fibreeze - HELLO were supposed to be rufty tufty blokes here - and of course there is the option of airing the room, well yes we could do that too, but then there is those annoying little flying things that like to munch on us during the night - so thats not an option, as sleeping in a room full of bug spray can be hazardous to our health, never mind the bugs. So a few days with only my own sweet odour was bliss, the ability to feel comfortable naked and also exclusive rights to the remote control for the TV.
Question: Who do you reckon named this region as the `Middle East` and not the `Middle West`? I am sure the locals here dont refer to themselves as living in the `middle east`, yes they refer to us as Westerners, but why not call us easterners?. I thought the points of a compass were universal depending on where you were at a given time, obviously not - must be another American thing, after all, their maps have America in the middle not Great Britain like it should be - after all we had the first true empire and we are `GREAT` Britain, you dont hear of them being referred to as `Great America` now dow you!!!. Anyway enough of my ramblings, just food for thought.
Mystery: It has been observed of late strange noises in the night - and no i am not talking about Halloween spooks bumping around, or howling, I am talking about strange sucking noices. `What the hell is he on about now` I hear you ask, well without going into too much detail, and the fact that we live in shared accommodation here ill leave it upto your imaginations. Given we are also living in our lovely coffins, this callsign has not got the balls (excuse the pun) to peep over the top to investigate said strange sucking noises. And this is not a competition, so please do not send me in answers on a postcard or email, I am happy in my ignorance of not knowing.
Parental Advice: for Gods Sake, please please teach your offspring to eat with their mouths closed and not to speak with their mouths full of food either. I hear you parents saying "We Do", but some of you are obviously failing in your responsibilities, as seen regularly in the restaurant on the tour. There is nothing more off putting than watching a grown up talking at the dinner table with a mouth full of muesli, doing a great impression of a cement mixer.
Anyway, time to sign off for now, so till the next time may you all reach a point in your lives when hugging trees seems a great idea.........
Jockanese K MBE

(cue the music..........I said cue the music .......................music please.......................music anyone?....where’s the lone piper......?????? where’s the flippin Jock with the pipes ??????.....what’s this ...a note............from .......ah...the Jock with the pipes.................................

Dear Hot Machero

For weeks now I’ve been stuck playing my bloody pipes in a bloody kilt in the shitting rain and blustery bloody wind on a far flung hill on a windswept bloody beach on a bastion to some bloody castle while that jammy son of a half eaten haggis is topping up his suntan and complaining that it’s gone down to 30 bloody degrees....I’ll take the incoming bloody golf balls I’m off....and you can stick ye F~@%king far far east as far f#”*king north up your F@*#king A@#* as possible
yours sincerely
Jock

with the Pipes

Hurry home Jokanese K....MBE there's a cold Stella waiting for you)

Thursday 25 October 2007

Harry Potter and the philosopher's Flu

A subject I have touched upon on a few occasions on this blog....I have man flu !!!! the killer ....it only effects us blokes you women don't understand it effects us worse than you it's a clinical fact as true as women can multi task and can't read maps......Well one female who has shown me a lot of sympathy is my 3 year old mini minx.......this morning we curled up on the settee in our jim jams I put on my poncho (it's really cosy) and mini minx tucked us both under her blanky........we settled down to watch a marathon of Harry Potter DVDs. It was quality time with my little girl just vegging and feeling quite poorly.......

As we watched the adventures of Harry ,Hermione and Ron it came to me quicker than you can say Expelliamos!.....Boots our singer must be a wizard!!!!!
now before you call the men in the white suits to Machero towers to take a babbling burk to the looney bin here me out I have a theory......I have to be careful though ....he reads these blogs sometimes....I might wake up as a frog tomorrow....(what do you mean it would be an improvement!!!!!????)

He went to boarding school.....Hogworts maybe?.......he is well spoken.....have you ever heard of a wizard that doesn't speak proper? Gandalf, Dumbledore even Merlin all spoke well. He is a graduate in chemistry.....yeah I bet .......what potions does he knock up..... he is slim....ever seen a fat wizard ? if you were magical you would wouldn't you ......Expelliamos! bosh! three stone ...gone! he has long(ish) hair....all wizards have long hair. .......I thought it strange that the other week we all dismissed Twist and Shout as a song we didn't want to do ..then our wizard decided he would grab his magic guitar and sing it and we all joined in and all of a sudden we want to include the song in our set.......hmmmmmm subliminal spells in those words me thinks. then there is the stripy blazer.........hmmm very Hogwarts. I will keep digging I will keep you blog fans up to date if I see a wand or anything suspicious in his guitar case. Obviously I don't want this to turn into a witch hunt!!!!!!

Sunday 21 October 2007

Double dose of Jockanese K.....MBE

What’s better than a Jokanese K ...MBE update????? .....yessssss two Jockanese K ...MBE updates....rumour has it that the carrier pigeon got shot bringing the first one to us .....so let’s cue the music..................
(In the far far East ...played by a lone bag piper drifting off into the distance as he walks along a cold blustery ridge of a Scottish hill )


Hi there sportsfans, hotties and all you Trekies out there (yes you know who you are).
Welcome to another fun filled update on the goings on in the only golf course without grass, who's scorecard is a piece of sandpaper, situated in a war zone and whose bunkers are not man made.
Well play has continued pretty smoothly throughout the week, however everyone is carrying some prety big bags under their eyes, due to the lack of sleep. Our rivals have decided to step up their attmepts at sabotaging the tour and for some reason it always happens at approximately 0130-0200 each night, i guess with the big fast during the day, they have an abundance of energy mid night, i can see it now, they have just had their midnight snack, and one says to the other "i am really stuffed, this not eating all day is a bitch, what shall we do?, the other says `i know why dont we go to the driving range and see what we can hit?". As a result at the start of the week our beloved and expensive airstrip took some damage from a rivals thrown ball, however the damage was minor and our green keepers were able to repair the damage without disruption to the tour. With all the increased goings on from our rivals, our organisors have decided to bring in a protection specialist "Mr C Dracula" as the organisors are giving everyone concrete coffins to sleep in. These coffins made of stern stuff have been designed to provide all round, above and below protection from stray balls, golf clubs and the occasional golf card, on the down side though - claustrophobia sufferers have been strongly advised to sleep with the light on, put their thumbs in their mouths and cry for mommy (no offence meant to any claustrophobic readers)
Well it turns out that the Tour is more popular than a spice girls comback concert, we have again been graced by a high profile visitor, and unless you have all been stuck in outer mongolia this week, you will have realised that the Boss man, yup the most powerful Jockanese Dude in Britain (no not sean connery) our unelected Gordon "Yes Prime Minister" Brown. He flew in for a birdseye tour to meet and greet the players, kiss a few electorate baby's and generally to kiss our mascots behind.
And on the subject of visits, did you guess last weeks celebrity - huh,,,,,,No,,,,Yes,,,, of course i hear you say, it was easy. Well just in case you've been living on another world, it was "Mr Obi Wan Kenobi" himself Ewan McGregor, and may i say what a nice chappie he is indeed.
NEWS FLASH:- Attack of the killer chip - There have been reports that a player on the Desert Classic 2007 Gu(o)lf tour had been injured by a stray chip. Initial reports said that the player was happily eating a healthy meal in the cookhouse when out of the blue he was struck by said stray chip. After subsequent investigations by the chief chef it was confirmed that it was not a killer chip but a stray bullet from a nearby Iraqi wedding. So for all you diet fiends out there that think chips are bad for you - think again and for all you that are planning a wedding, stick to the traditional ball and chain (in the short term the prognosis is good, however long term damage can be expected).
So as it turns out, it has been a busy kind of week on the tour, play is still going on regardless of distractions, and pars all round. So until the next update, a parting message to all you males out there, a wise man once wrote on a leaving card "Be good, Be safe and dont catch your D**k in your zipper"
Jockanese K MBE signing off..



And the second installment..........

Hi y'all,
Here is another whacky and damn right not funny update for you all to digest and read in wonder questioning my sanity.
"Hi all you hotties out there (hooyaa stumma and beata's, and a few worblers), sports fans and klingon enthousiasts alike (Kaplah). It has been a relatively quiet week on the tour this week, with not a lot going on. There seems to be more going on back int he homeland than out here, but plenty affecting the tour.
On a personal note, id like to take a step back in time to a not too distant (ok a very long time ago), a young hum drum and full of cum lad decided to leave his parents nest of comfort and venture out on his own in the big wide world of the Tour. When i hear you ask was this event - 20 Oct 1987, yes i can hear you say - you old b****rd- are you that old, you dont look it.......ok so i am dreaming again. Yes today is my 20th anniversary of signing my life away to the cause for Her Maj, boy has the time flown by.
Well what has happened since the last update - well we have again had to suffer the ignorance of our neighbours attempted hijacking of the course, but a credit to us, our stewards are very adept at blocking and deflecting their efforts. Big hooyaa to the boys.
My playing partner Big T and I have had to lose our caddy this past week. Unfortunately for him he has had a bad dose of the "Whinging Wife Syndrome", for those of you not versed on this discease, it is a most inflicting and painfull condition that affects ones ears, heart and mind. The said wife has pulled the preverbial wool over the organisors eyes and insisted our caddy return home to look after her AGAIN. We do hope he makes a full recovery from this condition, as in the past 2 tours he has sucessfully recovered miraculously within 24hours of returning to said partner. Good luck.........
We have over the past week or so had some disturbing news, there has been some unfounded rumours in the national press that stated that the tour may come to a premature end - i can put that bad boy to rest now, and assure everyone that the tour is continuing on strong and is still due to finish on schedule..
Here is a few words from our players:
Strike Action: It is with great dissappointment and sadness that our colleagues in the Postal services of Royal Snail Mail decided to stop working and go on strike over such things as pay and working conditions. Our players have but one thing to say - if you think that your working conditions are that bad come over here and try the Gu(o)lf tour - then you will know all about poor working conditions. Favourite questions posed were: a. Do you work in war zones b. do you work under constant threat of golf balls dropping on your heads c. do you sleep in a cofin d. do you work 15 hours a day 7 days a week ?, in short NO is the answer. So a great big thanks that all the moral boosting post and parcels will now take approximately 1 month to arrive. We’re behind you buddies......
A Security Warning: Keeping MUM:- Whilst it is good to inform all and sundry of the truth, A speaker should however bear in min that not all listeners will have good intentions. It was of no surprise then that after the head honcho `The PM` announced that more players would return early (or should i say transferred to the Poppy mountain course in Afghanistan) and that our course here had a relatively quiet period with no golf balls being thrown - well low and behold and to no ones surprise - our neighbours took up the challenge and threw 4 at us straigh away just to let us know they were still there. Again Fortunately our driving range deflector grid took one of them out and the others missed by a big margin. So all the players would like to thank the PM for once again for his support.
Well thats all for now folks, If you are still awake after this one, there will be another one in roughly 1.5 weeks time, just before the mid tour break at the start of November. Till then may the course be with you, and yipiekiyae...
Jockanese K Mbe"

(sound of Land of hope and glory played by the lone piper on a windswept beach on a far flung Scottish Island....drifting off into the distance)

Wednesday 17 October 2007

Wifey's big challenge

Those that know Wifey will know that her job dictates she makes quick important decisions that can have catastrophic outcomes if she gets it wrong .........life and death risk assessments that effect her staff and others (like should they have tea or coffee in the morning with their toast....jam or marmalade you know, that sort of thing.) But no amount of training ...no amount of body conditioning can prepare her for the challenge she has just agreed to take on..............yes................ she is the chair person of the PTA...............

These are parents so dedicated to the school and community that they give up their own valuable time to organise events in partnership with the Teaching staff to improve the daily life and facilities in and around the school.......
Regular readers of these endless lines of dribble will recall I have made mention of several members of the PTA in the past and in fact Agent A is one of the main catalysts for the band coming to be. Her husband Agent R ...my sports day father’s race nemesis ?....Before you conjure visions of frumpy Mum’s sitting round discussing coffee mornings whilst doing a few lines of knitting I will tell you the real story behind the PTA.

This is a body of driven individuals. Drilled in the ancient warrior art of Pee Tee Jitsu . No frumpiness here oh no....these are men and women who hone their bodies at the gym waiting to pounce on some poor unsuspecting parent at any given moment.........they can organise a fete quicker than you can say bouncy castle, can persuade you to pose naked with only a strategically placed plant in the fore ground covering the parts that even Heinekin can’t reach in the name of charity ,cackle off into the night (probably at the thought of the aforementioned ) and knitting needles have actually been banned due to an unfortunate incident in the staff room leaving one of the dinner ladies with the amazing ability to re create the Geneva fountains every time she sneezes.

I have been called in as back up to Wifey sitting to her right like a rock ....ready to support her in any way.........well I’m not meddling with agent A she’s scary.................oh and Nursey ..the ex chair.....not messing with her either she’s bonkers.........oh then little agent C.......in fact I ain’t messing with any of them ....may be I’ll organise a coffee morning instead.

In all seriousness (no seriously I am being serious now) The PTA are committed to what they do and we will try and match their commitment as we become agents........but I must say I feel awfully grown up having meetings in the staff room!!!!!!!

On a last note ..forget Super Nanny...forget all these child psychologists who give you all these fancy ideas to cure sibling rivalry I have the answer...........Now we don’t really have a problem with Rockstar and Mini minx not getting on . Like all six and three year olds they have their brother sister ups and downs (although Mini minx did plant a right cross on Rockstar’s chin the other day which Wifey and I looked at each other in mutual respect and both agreed that we would have been proud of that punch in our former lives as Kick boxers. No ....but Rockstar ‘s appreciation for the sheer beauty of his baby sister has heightened since Wifey purchased a Bear in the Big Blue house suit for her.

When she has the suit on she looks like an Ewok from Return of the Jedi and Rockstar can’t help cuddle her and gone are the “Yuck yuck Dad Dad!!! she’s just kissed me get her off it’s sgusting!” instead we have “ ah Dad she looks just like a teddy bear look how cute” and proceeds to cuddle the now bemused little girl who is lapping up the attention from her older brother who she will follow to high heaven such is her idolisation of him
So it is simple...bear outfit.....you heard it here first...............................wonder if they do them in XXL?

Saturday 13 October 2007

Bara what's the story Balamory Shik!!!!!

The Russian word for Drummer is Barabanshik...tis why we call our Armenian bang crash man so.........cos Drummer in Armenian is too hard to pronounce and his wife is Russian. (no I didn't mean she has little time on her hands....!!!! she is actually from Russia)

Now Barabanshik isn't your usual drummer. With the greatest respect to all you stick wielders out there the stereotypical drummer burps ,farts and generally has the vocabulary of a Telly tubby......Rather like a super hero Barabanshik has a disguise.....during the day he is an engagement manager (not quite sure what that is maybe he manages brides and grooms to be!!!!!!! )I think he's a mild mannered computer tecky type person but as the drums are set up and the band starts pumping out sounds Barabanshik turns into a monster beat box!

You see there is a new word in the dictionary!
Armenize -verb, to Armenize, Armenizing - to take a song and radically change it for the better by beating the living crap out of it.

Bara -Bubble- bubble- toil -and- trouble -shik can make any song up tempo even a Norah Jones song in fact rumour has it he was sacked as a funeral drummer for turning a funeral march into a Rio style street dance! this is however only rumour !

Bara-boo boo pee do shik has decided that the school hall we practice in needs a coffee machine....I wonder if that is a reflection on the rest of the band??? I did enquire with Bar ra ra boom dee aye shik when he made the coffee request whether we were boring him or interupting his tea break which tickled him so much he was laughing well into the next song. I can just imagine the school head's face as the kids file to the medical room on a Monday after scolding themselves on the odd machine in the hall !!!!?!?!?!?!

Well the band is in full swing into rehearsing for the Christmas gigs and the Christmas songs we are going to do are going to be kept a secret. For these gigs we are going to get Simon from Diddly Sqwat the fledgling photographer to take some promo shots for a flyer so we can tout for work . Bara -bas free barabas shik came up trumps again and suggested and I quote......

"I always have some nice cigars in my car, may be we can have a photo us enjoying cigars and cognac whilst on break? :-))))))))))) I even have Cohibas !"

I replied "you are a worry!"

the reply ":-) why? are cigars or cognac against the law? has something changed in the world whilst I've been commuting in and out of London :-))))))"

The vision of us in a huddle behind Bara ba bar black sheep shick's drums drawing on massive cubans and sipping cognac just doesn't do it for me ...although standing neck deep in the Thames as Simon suggested doesn't do it for me either....why can't we just do the urban decay in the background or standing in a grubby lane like most bands.... I don't know......(actually I do ...I want to do summin different but can't picture what at present )

Anyway this week apart from the mad ramblings of an Armenian drummer, wifey and I saw two of our favourite bands this week 3 daft Monkeys who are a folk rock band from Cornwall who are absolutely amazing. They played a small venue called Dingwalls in Camden I would defy anyone to stand still at one of their gigs they were the billy doo dahs. Then the next day we went to the Koko club in Camden again and saw the mighty Kula Shaker ..we were there right at the front amongst the mass of jumping raving loons soaked in thrown beer and generally going mental to the music.......fantastic but alas it's back to work the latter part of the week and I'm still knackered never mind off on Sunday then Monday comes around and just for those couple of hours Wifey ,Boots ,Bara wail like a banshee shik and I become rock Gods in our own tea time ...........

Tuesday 2 October 2007

The fertility qualities of Chinese food

You can work with someone and really not know them !!!!! I was shocked this week as one of my work colleagues let the proverbial skeleton out of the closet. I was shocked to think that I was working on the next desk from someone with such a dark dark secret....So what and who could it be...................................yep it was Mr T he let the cat out of the bag.....with a slip of the tongue he told me how he is a coronation Street fan....he knows his Battersbys from his Baldwins his Barlows from his Ogdens...I was shocked! We even went on the Corrie website as he went cold turky at work ...... I’ve requested group therapy......may be I can send Mother dearest...she saw the very first episodes!!!!!!!!!!


A public health warning!!!!!!! do not eat Chinese food in Brighton!!!!!!!!! I’ll explain............,about 16 weeks ago SJ (do you remember her...you know Hot Machero’s first singer?) failed to turn up for rehearsals.....she had a Chinese in Brighton and was stuck down there as she had a bad reaction to the food and wasn’t well enough to come back for rehearsals .....Last week she announced she is 16 weeks pregnant!!!!.....that was some Chinese meal!!!!!!!!! from all at Hot Machero congratulations and good luck to SJ ,Tony and the little SJ.

Well Brighton breeze was fun we had a nice little trip down there! but last night was the first time that Hot Machero were together in this current line up .............Barabanshik was back with a bang...crash and a wallop Bara boom boom boom shik had many tails of America and even inherited The American trailer trash attitude (you know the Jerry Springer talk ) We were suggesting some Christmas songs and it was all going well and enthusiastic until I mentioned Wizard’s “I wish it could be Christmas everyday” Bara what’s the story Balamory Shik blankly refused to do it.

“Y’all goin do dat wid out ya drummer Mumma!........”

then astounded us all by going into a deep deep voice and belted out....”It’ll be lonely this Christmas without you to hold!” Our suggestion of doing a Ringo Star were met with silence.....so was Barabarabarabarabara....barabarabarabara...schnell achtung actung die you English pig dog ...shik’s suggestion to Boots that we should do George Michael’s “Last Christmas”...there was silence from Hot Machero’s singing department ....Boots face was emotionless as I asked if he could do a bit of George. He stared into the distance imagining his hair all bouffant wearing shoulder pads stuffed into dodgy jackets with rolled up sleeves and shoes without socks.........no I don’t think so either!

So come on Hotties chuck us some ideas...we reckon that Mull of Kintyre is a must with Boots ‘ past experience ..and a version of Slade’s Christmas classic is a must.......isn’t it?

Jockanese K MBE shouts out to the Hotties

(In the tune of BlackAdder)

His uni-form is camoflaged
His un-dies adorned with his tartan
The best, that Scotland has produced
Legend in his own front garden

Jock-a-nese K
Jock-a- nese K
He's in the middle east
Jock-a-nese K
Jock-a- nese K
Porridge is his feast

(sing a bit higher!)
Jock-a-nese K
Jock-a- nese K
The best that Scotland's got!
Jock-a-nese K
Jock-a- nese K
Who armed him should be shot!



(cue bag pipes playing in the far far east)


"Hi to all you Hotties out there and all you die hard sports fans, I hear that you have been enquiring with our sponsor as to the welfare of the players due to the lateness of this update - thanks for your concern, but all the players are ok (We did however lose a player due to a tragic accident last week - and our condolences go out to his family and friends). Sorry for the delay in sending this update, but as you can probably imagine the gu(o)lf tour is in full swing and we are playing our way through the rough and fairway on our way to the 19th hole where the victory dance is planned for New Years Eve.

So what i hear you asking has been going on, on the tour?, well not a lot to be honest, its been pretty plain parring for the past few weeks since the last update. We've had quite a few false reports of mud slinging from the rival courses here, but we have had 4 confirmed foreign golf balls land on the course - luckily again no damage to the course occurred and they did not hit any of our players. This has of course resulted in some minor delays, as lying on the floor with ones hands over his head is becoming an unfavourite pasttime. On a good note, our course is now back to the oasis that it once was, as our water problems appear to be behind us now and full flow has been restored.

Well we have been graced this past week by a celebrity player, who jetted in, in Hercules the transporters belly to meet and greet the players on the tour, give a welcome moral boost and message of support from all you hotties and sports fans back in the UK. `For the love of golf` i hear you say - Who the bloody hell was it ? Well i shall leave you to think, and give a few clues as to their identity 1. He/She is a fellow jockanese, 2. likes to sing and act and finaly 3. is blessed with the Force!!!, answers on a postcard or email via our sponsor Hot Machero.

Competition Time: Its name the tour donkey time - As stated in the last update, the tour donkey needs a name as he is sick of players shouting out "oy wheres shrek" and "oh hows Dragon". So we are looking for a suitable name for our mascot - answers again on an email via our sponsors or direct if you know my email address - You could win a tour t-shirt as worn by one of our players.

Well that's about all there is for this update, the next one will be in around 2 weeks time, so till then, Be safe, Enjoy life and watch out for busses whilst crossing the street.

Jockanese_K-MBE out"

(bag pipes fade into the distance)

Wednesday 26 September 2007

Fresh Managers and Thick Reporters

It's been a funny week so far. Monday's school run is always eventfull.This Monday as usual we're running to wards the school just on time and we walked past a little Princess. I didn't even acknowledge the fact we had walked past a Princess in a gold dress. It was as I nearly bowled over Darth Vader that I realised in shock horror that all the children were in costume.....don't panic I thought you'll wake up in a minute ......I looked at rockstar's face, my six year old was in a very sharply pressed school uniform looking very sad.....it was story week, all children in the school were to come as someone out of a story today, I'd forgotten.....bad bad Daddy!!!!!! ....my insistance to Rockstar that he was Tucker Jenkins out of Grange Hill were met with glazed eyes, Tucker of course had turned into Mark Fowler way before Rockstar was born....I raced home avoiding little red riding hood as I raced out the gate...she was late anyway ....(probably pestering Granny again?!?!?!?!) I ran into the house and rumaged around Rockstar's dressing up draw....A pirate!!!!.....marvelous!!! I raced back just in time to swipe Rockstar out of the line he was walking in to the hall full of Harry potters ,Ninja Turtles ,Power Rangers, Princesses. changed him into a pirate quicker than Superman morphs from Kent into the man of steel (no he didn't come from Dover I mean Kent as in Clark!!!) and placed him back in the queue as Peter Pan ....aka Rockstars teacher smiled as she realised how devastated I was to have forgotton. Rockstar was over the moon I breathed a sigh of relief ...I asked another teacher if they would be in fancy dress all day (wondering what I was going to do with his uniform). She was in her nightie and dressing gown complete with teddy bear.......now it isn't often you can say that you were speaking to your son's teacher in her bed clothes is it!!!!

Monday night rehearsals help to ease one into the week...Boots was on fine form but Wifey and I were a bit off par ...just a bit tired we thinks. We will be for the first time in a long time a complete band next week. Barabanshik is back from his US of A adventure.....Barara boom dee ay shik will I'm sure be back with a bang ...and a crash (as drummers do) Ba ba ba ba baaaa baaaa(sang in a hawaii 5 O kind of way )shik hasn't met Boots yet. In true hot Machero style in the space of three weeks the band has lost two members gained one, streamlined it's repertoire and added a load more even dabbling into the world of original stuff written by our singer song writer extrordanaire Boots...Wifey is even mid writing a very Kate Bushy type of song which I must say is sounding good....all this while Bar bie girl ina barbie world shik has been away in Boston....phew

So I had to do some shopping and as wander around Tescos in a zombified state looking for green mini babybels....gotta try em'...they are made of goats cheese remind me a little of gbejna (pronounced jbey-na) which is a Maltese cheese. I was always going to fail in my task as Tesco's don't stock them Wifey purchased the other lot from Sainsburys......a minor detail she forgot to tell me...but I digress.....whilst pondering over the cheese issue....I overheard a conversation between an elderly lady and a teenager ...the old lady was actually teaching her Grandson to shop.......it was quite extraordinary!!! He actually had to be told about checking dates etc...Then came the killer question that almost gave me away that I was ear wigging...."Nan....so.....a....do they deliver this to us then?" he pointed to his trolley ladened with groceries......."No she replied you have to carry it to your car "........." sod this " came his reply......"I'm going to get me a laptop and order my shopping on tinternet in future" My God how did we survive without internet shopping!!!!!!!! we so lived in hard times having to lug our shopping to the car.......I wonder if in 50 years time there will be a /hovis advert with some chavvy kid on it walking out of tescos onto a cobbled street straight to his kit ladened corsa saying "aye back in them days we had to actually go shopping for our loaf of Hovis".

If that wasn't enough to make me smile I was waiting at the check out wondering if the woman in front of me was joking when she refused help packing ....does anyone actually accept help? It becomes habit doesn't it...you sidle up all happy as you are at the front of the queue "Do you want any help packing?" brain goes into autodrive.."nah!....i'll be allright" One day I'm going to say yes to see what happens....I bet the check out assistant just says "ok" and carries on as if I said no. May be if you want help packing they will just slow down rather than watch you juggle with your groceries like a contestant out of crackerjack!!!!!( flippin heck I'm showing me age now!!!!!!!) as they hurtle the food down the conveyor belt like Billy whizz on speed, anyway.......... I'm in the queue and a tannoy comes out..."BING BONG......Would a fresh manager please go to customer services BING BONG" the whole shop were clutching their sides.........I just had visions of some woman at customer services saying......"Excuse me I'd like to see the manager as I'm dying for a sh*g" the reply "oh certainly madam I'll just get someone up for the job!" .......or maybe they have mouldy managers....can you imagine that..."I don't want to complain to a Mouldy manager ....get me a fresh one!!!"

I had this insane idea this week to get back into Martial arts...I am fed up of looking down and seeing the roundness around my midrift.....nice on a Vee dub Beetle but not so good on me own body...so off I popped to a local Kickboxing class...I thought it only fair I told the Instructor about my background....It would be a bit like Damon Hill getting into a Driving instructor's car and forgetting to tell him he'd kind of done it before. I did warn said instructor that I had been inactive since about 2004 and that I would be taking it easy..........easy never came into it and the amount of situps and pushups and stretching wasn't even half the amount I used to knock out when I was competing ..but sadly 8 years on and much heavier realisation sets in
A...you are not getting any younger....
B. the satin gi trousers haven't shrunk in the wash but your belly has got bigger and
C.that it is impossible to take in breath from every orofice in your body as I was gasping so much that it felt like I was trying to do so..

I was pleased I could still deliver some jump spin hook kicks and the odd axe kick(much slower than the glory days although still faster than most )...some of my fellow trainess cottoned on......"You 've done this before haven't you".....i tried to tell them it was beginners luck but they were having none of it. It was when I landed a three punch combination,a roundhouse to the stomach and a spin kick to his head that gave it away........( I did actually have to catch my breath for a minute after mind so don't get too excited!!!!) ............. I'm feeling it today....No there will be no ring comeback, and no not even for charity, and no I will not be going for my third dan. This is just me getting fit again .

I have had no update from Jockanese K ....MBE this week ........I know several people have asked I'm sure he is ok...
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I will leave you with the dumbest question ever asked by a journalist. Some journo was reporting on our gallant troups returning home from Afghanistan. There she was with her microphone amongst the wives and children at Aldershot as they're loved ones were coming home after six months on tour in a war zone where soldiers are getting killed daily....A young woman standing with her kids just meets up with her husband who is still in his uniform looking tired but relieved to be home........his kids hugging his camoflaged legs .
the reporter says......

"so what are you going to do now?"

What did she expect him to say?..." well actually i'm going home, eat me tea and then I'm off out out for a bevy with the boys" or " Liverpool are on telly in the Carling cup tonight it so will be a few cans in front of the telly".............his wife however answered for him ........

"We're going to put the kids to bed and then have a bit of "us" time!".....
I bet households up and down the country translated that statement into pure English!!!!!!!!