What’s better than a Jokanese K ...MBE update????? .....yessssss two Jockanese K ...MBE updates....rumour has it that the carrier pigeon got shot bringing the first one to us .....so let’s cue the music..................
(In the far far East ...played by a lone bag piper drifting off into the distance as he walks along a cold blustery ridge of a Scottish hill )
Hi there sportsfans, hotties and all you Trekies out there (yes you know who you are).
Welcome to another fun filled update on the goings on in the only golf course without grass, who's scorecard is a piece of sandpaper, situated in a war zone and whose bunkers are not man made.
Well play has continued pretty smoothly throughout the week, however everyone is carrying some prety big bags under their eyes, due to the lack of sleep. Our rivals have decided to step up their attmepts at sabotaging the tour and for some reason it always happens at approximately 0130-0200 each night, i guess with the big fast during the day, they have an abundance of energy mid night, i can see it now, they have just had their midnight snack, and one says to the other "i am really stuffed, this not eating all day is a bitch, what shall we do?, the other says `i know why dont we go to the driving range and see what we can hit?". As a result at the start of the week our beloved and expensive airstrip took some damage from a rivals thrown ball, however the damage was minor and our green keepers were able to repair the damage without disruption to the tour. With all the increased goings on from our rivals, our organisors have decided to bring in a protection specialist "Mr C Dracula" as the organisors are giving everyone concrete coffins to sleep in. These coffins made of stern stuff have been designed to provide all round, above and below protection from stray balls, golf clubs and the occasional golf card, on the down side though - claustrophobia sufferers have been strongly advised to sleep with the light on, put their thumbs in their mouths and cry for mommy (no offence meant to any claustrophobic readers)
Well it turns out that the Tour is more popular than a spice girls comback concert, we have again been graced by a high profile visitor, and unless you have all been stuck in outer mongolia this week, you will have realised that the Boss man, yup the most powerful Jockanese Dude in Britain (no not sean connery) our unelected Gordon "Yes Prime Minister" Brown. He flew in for a birdseye tour to meet and greet the players, kiss a few electorate baby's and generally to kiss our mascots behind.
And on the subject of visits, did you guess last weeks celebrity - huh,,,,,,No,,,,Yes,,,, of course i hear you say, it was easy. Well just in case you've been living on another world, it was "Mr Obi Wan Kenobi" himself Ewan McGregor, and may i say what a nice chappie he is indeed.
NEWS FLASH:- Attack of the killer chip - There have been reports that a player on the Desert Classic 2007 Gu(o)lf tour had been injured by a stray chip. Initial reports said that the player was happily eating a healthy meal in the cookhouse when out of the blue he was struck by said stray chip. After subsequent investigations by the chief chef it was confirmed that it was not a killer chip but a stray bullet from a nearby Iraqi wedding. So for all you diet fiends out there that think chips are bad for you - think again and for all you that are planning a wedding, stick to the traditional ball and chain (in the short term the prognosis is good, however long term damage can be expected).
So as it turns out, it has been a busy kind of week on the tour, play is still going on regardless of distractions, and pars all round. So until the next update, a parting message to all you males out there, a wise man once wrote on a leaving card "Be good, Be safe and dont catch your D**k in your zipper"
Jockanese K MBE signing off..
And the second installment..........
Hi y'all,
Here is another whacky and damn right not funny update for you all to digest and read in wonder questioning my sanity.
"Hi all you hotties out there (hooyaa stumma and beata's, and a few worblers), sports fans and klingon enthousiasts alike (Kaplah). It has been a relatively quiet week on the tour this week, with not a lot going on. There seems to be more going on back int he homeland than out here, but plenty affecting the tour.
On a personal note, id like to take a step back in time to a not too distant (ok a very long time ago), a young hum drum and full of cum lad decided to leave his parents nest of comfort and venture out on his own in the big wide world of the Tour. When i hear you ask was this event - 20 Oct 1987, yes i can hear you say - you old b****rd- are you that old, you dont look it.......ok so i am dreaming again. Yes today is my 20th anniversary of signing my life away to the cause for Her Maj, boy has the time flown by.
Well what has happened since the last update - well we have again had to suffer the ignorance of our neighbours attempted hijacking of the course, but a credit to us, our stewards are very adept at blocking and deflecting their efforts. Big hooyaa to the boys.
My playing partner Big T and I have had to lose our caddy this past week. Unfortunately for him he has had a bad dose of the "Whinging Wife Syndrome", for those of you not versed on this discease, it is a most inflicting and painfull condition that affects ones ears, heart and mind. The said wife has pulled the preverbial wool over the organisors eyes and insisted our caddy return home to look after her AGAIN. We do hope he makes a full recovery from this condition, as in the past 2 tours he has sucessfully recovered miraculously within 24hours of returning to said partner. Good luck.........
We have over the past week or so had some disturbing news, there has been some unfounded rumours in the national press that stated that the tour may come to a premature end - i can put that bad boy to rest now, and assure everyone that the tour is continuing on strong and is still due to finish on schedule..
Here is a few words from our players:
Strike Action: It is with great dissappointment and sadness that our colleagues in the Postal services of Royal Snail Mail decided to stop working and go on strike over such things as pay and working conditions. Our players have but one thing to say - if you think that your working conditions are that bad come over here and try the Gu(o)lf tour - then you will know all about poor working conditions. Favourite questions posed were: a. Do you work in war zones b. do you work under constant threat of golf balls dropping on your heads c. do you sleep in a cofin d. do you work 15 hours a day 7 days a week ?, in short NO is the answer. So a great big thanks that all the moral boosting post and parcels will now take approximately 1 month to arrive. We’re behind you buddies......
A Security Warning: Keeping MUM:- Whilst it is good to inform all and sundry of the truth, A speaker should however bear in min that not all listeners will have good intentions. It was of no surprise then that after the head honcho `The PM` announced that more players would return early (or should i say transferred to the Poppy mountain course in Afghanistan) and that our course here had a relatively quiet period with no golf balls being thrown - well low and behold and to no ones surprise - our neighbours took up the challenge and threw 4 at us straigh away just to let us know they were still there. Again Fortunately our driving range deflector grid took one of them out and the others missed by a big margin. So all the players would like to thank the PM for once again for his support.
Well thats all for now folks, If you are still awake after this one, there will be another one in roughly 1.5 weeks time, just before the mid tour break at the start of November. Till then may the course be with you, and yipiekiyae...
Jockanese K Mbe"
(sound of Land of hope and glory played by the lone piper on a windswept beach on a far flung Scottish Island....drifting off into the distance)
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