Another gripping installment from our intrepid reporter out in the middle east...
(cue the music.......As a lone bagpiper walking along a blustery ledge of a Scottish Castle’s bastion plays “In the Far Far East.there‘s a dirty little beast.”.......drifting off into the echoey distance of the rainy lochs )
G'day, Ola, Howdee and Guten Tag to all you crazy Hottie band lovers, sports fans and a special Hello to all the little people out there - no i am not talking about the vertically challenged, i am talking about all of the little offsprings out there.
Well this will be the last update for a good few weeks, its ok wipe your eyes dry, the tour is only taking a much needed mid tour break - well some of the players are anyway (specifically me) at the start of November, returning to homeland base camp to see Mrs and Miss Junior Jockanese K MBE, and trying hard not to annoy their routine too much. That is of course if our favourite Airline actually departs the course on time, given the frequendcy of the flights and the long hours of the aircrew they have a habit of either a. breaking down, b. breaking down, and occasionally c. breaking down, but fingers, toes, legs and eyes crossed (ok maybe not the eyes i might bump into things), ill be home for a well deserved break.
Well i hear you asking, what has been going on, on the tour ? well we had a quiet start to the week, and then i opened my big gob (as usual i hear some of you say - and yes my size 11 feet do fit in) on MSN and low and behold, no sooner had the words left my fingers we were hit by golf balls, again luckily our deflector grid defended the course and no damage or players were hurt. Onto a more nicer subject the weather here is now changing thankfully, as it is now only reaching the high 30 Degs during the day, and its cooled of dramatically at night, so pleasant sleeps all round (I would apologise for mentioning the weather, in case i upset any readers given the state of the weather in the homeland, but i wont as my tan is coming along just nicely thanks).
Well i have had a few days of piece and quiet this week, with my roomie moving across to our new sister course across the border, so ive had the room all to myself, and i can safely say its been bliss. Many of you may not have experienced the wonderful delights of sharing such a tight compartment with a fellow human being, never mind a sweaty hairy ArXed player, but after a while the smell can be quite bad. Ah i hear you say, get air freshener, a bit of shake and vac or I know Fibreeze - HELLO were supposed to be rufty tufty blokes here - and of course there is the option of airing the room, well yes we could do that too, but then there is those annoying little flying things that like to munch on us during the night - so thats not an option, as sleeping in a room full of bug spray can be hazardous to our health, never mind the bugs. So a few days with only my own sweet odour was bliss, the ability to feel comfortable naked and also exclusive rights to the remote control for the TV.
Question: Who do you reckon named this region as the `Middle East` and not the `Middle West`? I am sure the locals here dont refer to themselves as living in the `middle east`, yes they refer to us as Westerners, but why not call us easterners?. I thought the points of a compass were universal depending on where you were at a given time, obviously not - must be another American thing, after all, their maps have America in the middle not Great Britain like it should be - after all we had the first true empire and we are `GREAT` Britain, you dont hear of them being referred to as `Great America` now dow you!!!. Anyway enough of my ramblings, just food for thought.
Mystery: It has been observed of late strange noises in the night - and no i am not talking about Halloween spooks bumping around, or howling, I am talking about strange sucking noices. `What the hell is he on about now` I hear you ask, well without going into too much detail, and the fact that we live in shared accommodation here ill leave it upto your imaginations. Given we are also living in our lovely coffins, this callsign has not got the balls (excuse the pun) to peep over the top to investigate said strange sucking noises. And this is not a competition, so please do not send me in answers on a postcard or email, I am happy in my ignorance of not knowing.
Parental Advice: for Gods Sake, please please teach your offspring to eat with their mouths closed and not to speak with their mouths full of food either. I hear you parents saying "We Do", but some of you are obviously failing in your responsibilities, as seen regularly in the restaurant on the tour. There is nothing more off putting than watching a grown up talking at the dinner table with a mouth full of muesli, doing a great impression of a cement mixer.
Anyway, time to sign off for now, so till the next time may you all reach a point in your lives when hugging trees seems a great idea.........
Jockanese K MBE
(cue the music..........I said cue the music .......................music please.......................music anyone?....where’s the lone piper......?????? where’s the flippin Jock with the pipes ??????.....what’s this ...a note............from .......ah...the Jock with the pipes.................................
Dear Hot Machero
For weeks now I’ve been stuck playing my bloody pipes in a bloody kilt in the shitting rain and blustery bloody wind on a far flung hill on a windswept bloody beach on a bastion to some bloody castle while that jammy son of a half eaten haggis is topping up his suntan and complaining that it’s gone down to 30 bloody degrees....I’ll take the incoming bloody golf balls I’m off....and you can stick ye F~@%king far far east as far f#”*king north up your F@*#king A@#* as possible
yours sincerely
Jock
with the Pipes
Hurry home Jokanese K....MBE there's a cold Stella waiting for you)
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