Tuesday 30 October 2007

Band update

I don’t often write proper band news on this blog and the expectation that I be funny each blog has indeed overtaken the point of this whole project which was for Wifey and I to push the boundaries of two parents of young children in our thirty somethings forming a band and seeing how far we could realistically go (don’t get us wrong ...there are no delusions of grandeur at Machero towers I can’t seeing us making a living from this project etc...etc..but I‘m sure we can be a successful local gigging band. ) but I just feel the need on this occasion to let you all know what is happening with Hot Machero for a change!!!!

Next gig is the St Margaret Clitherow School Christmas Fayre on 24/11/2007. this is a very important gig for us as it will be our first outing in our new improved line up. We will be playing six or seven songs two of which will be Christmas hits....a few new covers and some of our old favourites. We will be using this gig to hand round as many flyers as possible to promote the band and maybe get some paid gigs. Incidentally members of the St Margaret Clitherow PTA came down to rehearsals on Friday to see for themselves what they were letting themselves in for and each song was met with cheers and one of the ladies asked if we would accept a gig at a pub in Binfield where she works if she could arrange it.....(this has happened before ....so although pleased at the suggestion until such time we are playing to a pub full of people ...I’ll not get too excited).......Boots our suspect wizard singer was however grinning like a Cheshire cat as they suggested he sounded just like John Lennon!!!!! they genuinely seemed impressed at our music...which was nice.

We are taking photographs next Saturday afternoon for our flyers ....should be fun. We have also been booked in for the 26/01/2008 at a nightclub in Reading (can’t say which one yet as it isn’t a done deal) Most of you will remember James (locker room liaison blog fame) he did actually sing “I want to Hold your hand “ with us at our very first gig ( although we thank him profusely ....he however doesn’t sound like John Lennon) well it’s his 30th birthday and we are apparently headlining the show ......ha ha ha!! scary I know! there will be at least another band and some solo artists before us and we will be doing a 40 minute set with fully mic’d up drums and a professional PA with sound engineer ,lights etc etc... It will also be a chance for us to play some of our own stuff .

We are currently going through Boots’ songs seeing what will work for us. They have obvious Beatles influence and are good well-written songs that we are enjoying playing . .“Sticks and Plates “ is nearly at the performance stage of it’s Hot Machero life. Wifey has been inspired by Boots and has written a song called the “The Wrong Tune” It got it’s first rehearsal on Friday’s rehearsal and Barabanshik has put a great drum beat to it and it sounds kind of tribal but with wifey singing in her “Kate bush esque” way it really sounds different. Barabanshik also likened it to early Black Sabbath and Boots heard a bit of Rush in there too. The song stuck in my head all weekend and I must admit I really do like it. I think the rest of the band do too . She is in the process of writing another which is sounding good too.

Saturday 27 October 2007

Jockanese K...MBE and the strange sucking noises

Another gripping installment from our intrepid reporter out in the middle east...

(cue the music.......As a lone bagpiper walking along a blustery ledge of a Scottish Castle’s bastion plays “In the Far Far East.there‘s a dirty little beast.”.......drifting off into the echoey distance of the rainy lochs )



G'day, Ola, Howdee and Guten Tag to all you crazy Hottie band lovers, sports fans and a special Hello to all the little people out there - no i am not talking about the vertically challenged, i am talking about all of the little offsprings out there.
Well this will be the last update for a good few weeks, its ok wipe your eyes dry, the tour is only taking a much needed mid tour break - well some of the players are anyway (specifically me) at the start of November, returning to homeland base camp to see Mrs and Miss Junior Jockanese K MBE, and trying hard not to annoy their routine too much. That is of course if our favourite Airline actually departs the course on time, given the frequendcy of the flights and the long hours of the aircrew they have a habit of either a. breaking down, b. breaking down, and occasionally c. breaking down, but fingers, toes, legs and eyes crossed (ok maybe not the eyes i might bump into things), ill be home for a well deserved break.
Well i hear you asking, what has been going on, on the tour ? well we had a quiet start to the week, and then i opened my big gob (as usual i hear some of you say - and yes my size 11 feet do fit in) on MSN and low and behold, no sooner had the words left my fingers we were hit by golf balls, again luckily our deflector grid defended the course and no damage or players were hurt. Onto a more nicer subject the weather here is now changing thankfully, as it is now only reaching the high 30 Degs during the day, and its cooled of dramatically at night, so pleasant sleeps all round (I would apologise for mentioning the weather, in case i upset any readers given the state of the weather in the homeland, but i wont as my tan is coming along just nicely thanks).
Well i have had a few days of piece and quiet this week, with my roomie moving across to our new sister course across the border, so ive had the room all to myself, and i can safely say its been bliss. Many of you may not have experienced the wonderful delights of sharing such a tight compartment with a fellow human being, never mind a sweaty hairy ArXed player, but after a while the smell can be quite bad. Ah i hear you say, get air freshener, a bit of shake and vac or I know Fibreeze - HELLO were supposed to be rufty tufty blokes here - and of course there is the option of airing the room, well yes we could do that too, but then there is those annoying little flying things that like to munch on us during the night - so thats not an option, as sleeping in a room full of bug spray can be hazardous to our health, never mind the bugs. So a few days with only my own sweet odour was bliss, the ability to feel comfortable naked and also exclusive rights to the remote control for the TV.
Question: Who do you reckon named this region as the `Middle East` and not the `Middle West`? I am sure the locals here dont refer to themselves as living in the `middle east`, yes they refer to us as Westerners, but why not call us easterners?. I thought the points of a compass were universal depending on where you were at a given time, obviously not - must be another American thing, after all, their maps have America in the middle not Great Britain like it should be - after all we had the first true empire and we are `GREAT` Britain, you dont hear of them being referred to as `Great America` now dow you!!!. Anyway enough of my ramblings, just food for thought.
Mystery: It has been observed of late strange noises in the night - and no i am not talking about Halloween spooks bumping around, or howling, I am talking about strange sucking noices. `What the hell is he on about now` I hear you ask, well without going into too much detail, and the fact that we live in shared accommodation here ill leave it upto your imaginations. Given we are also living in our lovely coffins, this callsign has not got the balls (excuse the pun) to peep over the top to investigate said strange sucking noises. And this is not a competition, so please do not send me in answers on a postcard or email, I am happy in my ignorance of not knowing.
Parental Advice: for Gods Sake, please please teach your offspring to eat with their mouths closed and not to speak with their mouths full of food either. I hear you parents saying "We Do", but some of you are obviously failing in your responsibilities, as seen regularly in the restaurant on the tour. There is nothing more off putting than watching a grown up talking at the dinner table with a mouth full of muesli, doing a great impression of a cement mixer.
Anyway, time to sign off for now, so till the next time may you all reach a point in your lives when hugging trees seems a great idea.........
Jockanese K MBE

(cue the music..........I said cue the music .......................music please.......................music anyone?....where’s the lone piper......?????? where’s the flippin Jock with the pipes ??????.....what’s this ...a note............from .......ah...the Jock with the pipes.................................

Dear Hot Machero

For weeks now I’ve been stuck playing my bloody pipes in a bloody kilt in the shitting rain and blustery bloody wind on a far flung hill on a windswept bloody beach on a bastion to some bloody castle while that jammy son of a half eaten haggis is topping up his suntan and complaining that it’s gone down to 30 bloody degrees....I’ll take the incoming bloody golf balls I’m off....and you can stick ye F~@%king far far east as far f#”*king north up your F@*#king A@#* as possible
yours sincerely
Jock

with the Pipes

Hurry home Jokanese K....MBE there's a cold Stella waiting for you)

Thursday 25 October 2007

Harry Potter and the philosopher's Flu

A subject I have touched upon on a few occasions on this blog....I have man flu !!!! the killer ....it only effects us blokes you women don't understand it effects us worse than you it's a clinical fact as true as women can multi task and can't read maps......Well one female who has shown me a lot of sympathy is my 3 year old mini minx.......this morning we curled up on the settee in our jim jams I put on my poncho (it's really cosy) and mini minx tucked us both under her blanky........we settled down to watch a marathon of Harry Potter DVDs. It was quality time with my little girl just vegging and feeling quite poorly.......

As we watched the adventures of Harry ,Hermione and Ron it came to me quicker than you can say Expelliamos!.....Boots our singer must be a wizard!!!!!
now before you call the men in the white suits to Machero towers to take a babbling burk to the looney bin here me out I have a theory......I have to be careful though ....he reads these blogs sometimes....I might wake up as a frog tomorrow....(what do you mean it would be an improvement!!!!!????)

He went to boarding school.....Hogworts maybe?.......he is well spoken.....have you ever heard of a wizard that doesn't speak proper? Gandalf, Dumbledore even Merlin all spoke well. He is a graduate in chemistry.....yeah I bet .......what potions does he knock up..... he is slim....ever seen a fat wizard ? if you were magical you would wouldn't you ......Expelliamos! bosh! three stone ...gone! he has long(ish) hair....all wizards have long hair. .......I thought it strange that the other week we all dismissed Twist and Shout as a song we didn't want to do ..then our wizard decided he would grab his magic guitar and sing it and we all joined in and all of a sudden we want to include the song in our set.......hmmmmmm subliminal spells in those words me thinks. then there is the stripy blazer.........hmmm very Hogwarts. I will keep digging I will keep you blog fans up to date if I see a wand or anything suspicious in his guitar case. Obviously I don't want this to turn into a witch hunt!!!!!!

Sunday 21 October 2007

Double dose of Jockanese K.....MBE

What’s better than a Jokanese K ...MBE update????? .....yessssss two Jockanese K ...MBE updates....rumour has it that the carrier pigeon got shot bringing the first one to us .....so let’s cue the music..................
(In the far far East ...played by a lone bag piper drifting off into the distance as he walks along a cold blustery ridge of a Scottish hill )


Hi there sportsfans, hotties and all you Trekies out there (yes you know who you are).
Welcome to another fun filled update on the goings on in the only golf course without grass, who's scorecard is a piece of sandpaper, situated in a war zone and whose bunkers are not man made.
Well play has continued pretty smoothly throughout the week, however everyone is carrying some prety big bags under their eyes, due to the lack of sleep. Our rivals have decided to step up their attmepts at sabotaging the tour and for some reason it always happens at approximately 0130-0200 each night, i guess with the big fast during the day, they have an abundance of energy mid night, i can see it now, they have just had their midnight snack, and one says to the other "i am really stuffed, this not eating all day is a bitch, what shall we do?, the other says `i know why dont we go to the driving range and see what we can hit?". As a result at the start of the week our beloved and expensive airstrip took some damage from a rivals thrown ball, however the damage was minor and our green keepers were able to repair the damage without disruption to the tour. With all the increased goings on from our rivals, our organisors have decided to bring in a protection specialist "Mr C Dracula" as the organisors are giving everyone concrete coffins to sleep in. These coffins made of stern stuff have been designed to provide all round, above and below protection from stray balls, golf clubs and the occasional golf card, on the down side though - claustrophobia sufferers have been strongly advised to sleep with the light on, put their thumbs in their mouths and cry for mommy (no offence meant to any claustrophobic readers)
Well it turns out that the Tour is more popular than a spice girls comback concert, we have again been graced by a high profile visitor, and unless you have all been stuck in outer mongolia this week, you will have realised that the Boss man, yup the most powerful Jockanese Dude in Britain (no not sean connery) our unelected Gordon "Yes Prime Minister" Brown. He flew in for a birdseye tour to meet and greet the players, kiss a few electorate baby's and generally to kiss our mascots behind.
And on the subject of visits, did you guess last weeks celebrity - huh,,,,,,No,,,,Yes,,,, of course i hear you say, it was easy. Well just in case you've been living on another world, it was "Mr Obi Wan Kenobi" himself Ewan McGregor, and may i say what a nice chappie he is indeed.
NEWS FLASH:- Attack of the killer chip - There have been reports that a player on the Desert Classic 2007 Gu(o)lf tour had been injured by a stray chip. Initial reports said that the player was happily eating a healthy meal in the cookhouse when out of the blue he was struck by said stray chip. After subsequent investigations by the chief chef it was confirmed that it was not a killer chip but a stray bullet from a nearby Iraqi wedding. So for all you diet fiends out there that think chips are bad for you - think again and for all you that are planning a wedding, stick to the traditional ball and chain (in the short term the prognosis is good, however long term damage can be expected).
So as it turns out, it has been a busy kind of week on the tour, play is still going on regardless of distractions, and pars all round. So until the next update, a parting message to all you males out there, a wise man once wrote on a leaving card "Be good, Be safe and dont catch your D**k in your zipper"
Jockanese K MBE signing off..



And the second installment..........

Hi y'all,
Here is another whacky and damn right not funny update for you all to digest and read in wonder questioning my sanity.
"Hi all you hotties out there (hooyaa stumma and beata's, and a few worblers), sports fans and klingon enthousiasts alike (Kaplah). It has been a relatively quiet week on the tour this week, with not a lot going on. There seems to be more going on back int he homeland than out here, but plenty affecting the tour.
On a personal note, id like to take a step back in time to a not too distant (ok a very long time ago), a young hum drum and full of cum lad decided to leave his parents nest of comfort and venture out on his own in the big wide world of the Tour. When i hear you ask was this event - 20 Oct 1987, yes i can hear you say - you old b****rd- are you that old, you dont look it.......ok so i am dreaming again. Yes today is my 20th anniversary of signing my life away to the cause for Her Maj, boy has the time flown by.
Well what has happened since the last update - well we have again had to suffer the ignorance of our neighbours attempted hijacking of the course, but a credit to us, our stewards are very adept at blocking and deflecting their efforts. Big hooyaa to the boys.
My playing partner Big T and I have had to lose our caddy this past week. Unfortunately for him he has had a bad dose of the "Whinging Wife Syndrome", for those of you not versed on this discease, it is a most inflicting and painfull condition that affects ones ears, heart and mind. The said wife has pulled the preverbial wool over the organisors eyes and insisted our caddy return home to look after her AGAIN. We do hope he makes a full recovery from this condition, as in the past 2 tours he has sucessfully recovered miraculously within 24hours of returning to said partner. Good luck.........
We have over the past week or so had some disturbing news, there has been some unfounded rumours in the national press that stated that the tour may come to a premature end - i can put that bad boy to rest now, and assure everyone that the tour is continuing on strong and is still due to finish on schedule..
Here is a few words from our players:
Strike Action: It is with great dissappointment and sadness that our colleagues in the Postal services of Royal Snail Mail decided to stop working and go on strike over such things as pay and working conditions. Our players have but one thing to say - if you think that your working conditions are that bad come over here and try the Gu(o)lf tour - then you will know all about poor working conditions. Favourite questions posed were: a. Do you work in war zones b. do you work under constant threat of golf balls dropping on your heads c. do you sleep in a cofin d. do you work 15 hours a day 7 days a week ?, in short NO is the answer. So a great big thanks that all the moral boosting post and parcels will now take approximately 1 month to arrive. We’re behind you buddies......
A Security Warning: Keeping MUM:- Whilst it is good to inform all and sundry of the truth, A speaker should however bear in min that not all listeners will have good intentions. It was of no surprise then that after the head honcho `The PM` announced that more players would return early (or should i say transferred to the Poppy mountain course in Afghanistan) and that our course here had a relatively quiet period with no golf balls being thrown - well low and behold and to no ones surprise - our neighbours took up the challenge and threw 4 at us straigh away just to let us know they were still there. Again Fortunately our driving range deflector grid took one of them out and the others missed by a big margin. So all the players would like to thank the PM for once again for his support.
Well thats all for now folks, If you are still awake after this one, there will be another one in roughly 1.5 weeks time, just before the mid tour break at the start of November. Till then may the course be with you, and yipiekiyae...
Jockanese K Mbe"

(sound of Land of hope and glory played by the lone piper on a windswept beach on a far flung Scottish Island....drifting off into the distance)

Wednesday 17 October 2007

Wifey's big challenge

Those that know Wifey will know that her job dictates she makes quick important decisions that can have catastrophic outcomes if she gets it wrong .........life and death risk assessments that effect her staff and others (like should they have tea or coffee in the morning with their toast....jam or marmalade you know, that sort of thing.) But no amount of training ...no amount of body conditioning can prepare her for the challenge she has just agreed to take on..............yes................ she is the chair person of the PTA...............

These are parents so dedicated to the school and community that they give up their own valuable time to organise events in partnership with the Teaching staff to improve the daily life and facilities in and around the school.......
Regular readers of these endless lines of dribble will recall I have made mention of several members of the PTA in the past and in fact Agent A is one of the main catalysts for the band coming to be. Her husband Agent R ...my sports day father’s race nemesis ?....Before you conjure visions of frumpy Mum’s sitting round discussing coffee mornings whilst doing a few lines of knitting I will tell you the real story behind the PTA.

This is a body of driven individuals. Drilled in the ancient warrior art of Pee Tee Jitsu . No frumpiness here oh no....these are men and women who hone their bodies at the gym waiting to pounce on some poor unsuspecting parent at any given moment.........they can organise a fete quicker than you can say bouncy castle, can persuade you to pose naked with only a strategically placed plant in the fore ground covering the parts that even Heinekin can’t reach in the name of charity ,cackle off into the night (probably at the thought of the aforementioned ) and knitting needles have actually been banned due to an unfortunate incident in the staff room leaving one of the dinner ladies with the amazing ability to re create the Geneva fountains every time she sneezes.

I have been called in as back up to Wifey sitting to her right like a rock ....ready to support her in any way.........well I’m not meddling with agent A she’s scary.................oh and Nursey ..the ex chair.....not messing with her either she’s bonkers.........oh then little agent C.......in fact I ain’t messing with any of them ....may be I’ll organise a coffee morning instead.

In all seriousness (no seriously I am being serious now) The PTA are committed to what they do and we will try and match their commitment as we become agents........but I must say I feel awfully grown up having meetings in the staff room!!!!!!!

On a last note ..forget Super Nanny...forget all these child psychologists who give you all these fancy ideas to cure sibling rivalry I have the answer...........Now we don’t really have a problem with Rockstar and Mini minx not getting on . Like all six and three year olds they have their brother sister ups and downs (although Mini minx did plant a right cross on Rockstar’s chin the other day which Wifey and I looked at each other in mutual respect and both agreed that we would have been proud of that punch in our former lives as Kick boxers. No ....but Rockstar ‘s appreciation for the sheer beauty of his baby sister has heightened since Wifey purchased a Bear in the Big Blue house suit for her.

When she has the suit on she looks like an Ewok from Return of the Jedi and Rockstar can’t help cuddle her and gone are the “Yuck yuck Dad Dad!!! she’s just kissed me get her off it’s sgusting!” instead we have “ ah Dad she looks just like a teddy bear look how cute” and proceeds to cuddle the now bemused little girl who is lapping up the attention from her older brother who she will follow to high heaven such is her idolisation of him
So it is simple...bear outfit.....you heard it here first...............................wonder if they do them in XXL?

Saturday 13 October 2007

Bara what's the story Balamory Shik!!!!!

The Russian word for Drummer is Barabanshik...tis why we call our Armenian bang crash man so.........cos Drummer in Armenian is too hard to pronounce and his wife is Russian. (no I didn't mean she has little time on her hands....!!!! she is actually from Russia)

Now Barabanshik isn't your usual drummer. With the greatest respect to all you stick wielders out there the stereotypical drummer burps ,farts and generally has the vocabulary of a Telly tubby......Rather like a super hero Barabanshik has a disguise.....during the day he is an engagement manager (not quite sure what that is maybe he manages brides and grooms to be!!!!!!! )I think he's a mild mannered computer tecky type person but as the drums are set up and the band starts pumping out sounds Barabanshik turns into a monster beat box!

You see there is a new word in the dictionary!
Armenize -verb, to Armenize, Armenizing - to take a song and radically change it for the better by beating the living crap out of it.

Bara -Bubble- bubble- toil -and- trouble -shik can make any song up tempo even a Norah Jones song in fact rumour has it he was sacked as a funeral drummer for turning a funeral march into a Rio style street dance! this is however only rumour !

Bara-boo boo pee do shik has decided that the school hall we practice in needs a coffee machine....I wonder if that is a reflection on the rest of the band??? I did enquire with Bar ra ra boom dee aye shik when he made the coffee request whether we were boring him or interupting his tea break which tickled him so much he was laughing well into the next song. I can just imagine the school head's face as the kids file to the medical room on a Monday after scolding themselves on the odd machine in the hall !!!!?!?!?!?!

Well the band is in full swing into rehearsing for the Christmas gigs and the Christmas songs we are going to do are going to be kept a secret. For these gigs we are going to get Simon from Diddly Sqwat the fledgling photographer to take some promo shots for a flyer so we can tout for work . Bara -bas free barabas shik came up trumps again and suggested and I quote......

"I always have some nice cigars in my car, may be we can have a photo us enjoying cigars and cognac whilst on break? :-))))))))))) I even have Cohibas !"

I replied "you are a worry!"

the reply ":-) why? are cigars or cognac against the law? has something changed in the world whilst I've been commuting in and out of London :-))))))"

The vision of us in a huddle behind Bara ba bar black sheep shick's drums drawing on massive cubans and sipping cognac just doesn't do it for me ...although standing neck deep in the Thames as Simon suggested doesn't do it for me either....why can't we just do the urban decay in the background or standing in a grubby lane like most bands.... I don't know......(actually I do ...I want to do summin different but can't picture what at present )

Anyway this week apart from the mad ramblings of an Armenian drummer, wifey and I saw two of our favourite bands this week 3 daft Monkeys who are a folk rock band from Cornwall who are absolutely amazing. They played a small venue called Dingwalls in Camden I would defy anyone to stand still at one of their gigs they were the billy doo dahs. Then the next day we went to the Koko club in Camden again and saw the mighty Kula Shaker ..we were there right at the front amongst the mass of jumping raving loons soaked in thrown beer and generally going mental to the music.......fantastic but alas it's back to work the latter part of the week and I'm still knackered never mind off on Sunday then Monday comes around and just for those couple of hours Wifey ,Boots ,Bara wail like a banshee shik and I become rock Gods in our own tea time ...........

Tuesday 2 October 2007

The fertility qualities of Chinese food

You can work with someone and really not know them !!!!! I was shocked this week as one of my work colleagues let the proverbial skeleton out of the closet. I was shocked to think that I was working on the next desk from someone with such a dark dark secret....So what and who could it be...................................yep it was Mr T he let the cat out of the bag.....with a slip of the tongue he told me how he is a coronation Street fan....he knows his Battersbys from his Baldwins his Barlows from his Ogdens...I was shocked! We even went on the Corrie website as he went cold turky at work ...... I’ve requested group therapy......may be I can send Mother dearest...she saw the very first episodes!!!!!!!!!!


A public health warning!!!!!!! do not eat Chinese food in Brighton!!!!!!!!! I’ll explain............,about 16 weeks ago SJ (do you remember her...you know Hot Machero’s first singer?) failed to turn up for rehearsals.....she had a Chinese in Brighton and was stuck down there as she had a bad reaction to the food and wasn’t well enough to come back for rehearsals .....Last week she announced she is 16 weeks pregnant!!!!.....that was some Chinese meal!!!!!!!!! from all at Hot Machero congratulations and good luck to SJ ,Tony and the little SJ.

Well Brighton breeze was fun we had a nice little trip down there! but last night was the first time that Hot Machero were together in this current line up .............Barabanshik was back with a bang...crash and a wallop Bara boom boom boom shik had many tails of America and even inherited The American trailer trash attitude (you know the Jerry Springer talk ) We were suggesting some Christmas songs and it was all going well and enthusiastic until I mentioned Wizard’s “I wish it could be Christmas everyday” Bara what’s the story Balamory Shik blankly refused to do it.

“Y’all goin do dat wid out ya drummer Mumma!........”

then astounded us all by going into a deep deep voice and belted out....”It’ll be lonely this Christmas without you to hold!” Our suggestion of doing a Ringo Star were met with silence.....so was Barabarabarabarabara....barabarabarabara...schnell achtung actung die you English pig dog ...shik’s suggestion to Boots that we should do George Michael’s “Last Christmas”...there was silence from Hot Machero’s singing department ....Boots face was emotionless as I asked if he could do a bit of George. He stared into the distance imagining his hair all bouffant wearing shoulder pads stuffed into dodgy jackets with rolled up sleeves and shoes without socks.........no I don’t think so either!

So come on Hotties chuck us some ideas...we reckon that Mull of Kintyre is a must with Boots ‘ past experience ..and a version of Slade’s Christmas classic is a must.......isn’t it?

Jockanese K MBE shouts out to the Hotties

(In the tune of BlackAdder)

His uni-form is camoflaged
His un-dies adorned with his tartan
The best, that Scotland has produced
Legend in his own front garden

Jock-a-nese K
Jock-a- nese K
He's in the middle east
Jock-a-nese K
Jock-a- nese K
Porridge is his feast

(sing a bit higher!)
Jock-a-nese K
Jock-a- nese K
The best that Scotland's got!
Jock-a-nese K
Jock-a- nese K
Who armed him should be shot!



(cue bag pipes playing in the far far east)


"Hi to all you Hotties out there and all you die hard sports fans, I hear that you have been enquiring with our sponsor as to the welfare of the players due to the lateness of this update - thanks for your concern, but all the players are ok (We did however lose a player due to a tragic accident last week - and our condolences go out to his family and friends). Sorry for the delay in sending this update, but as you can probably imagine the gu(o)lf tour is in full swing and we are playing our way through the rough and fairway on our way to the 19th hole where the victory dance is planned for New Years Eve.

So what i hear you asking has been going on, on the tour?, well not a lot to be honest, its been pretty plain parring for the past few weeks since the last update. We've had quite a few false reports of mud slinging from the rival courses here, but we have had 4 confirmed foreign golf balls land on the course - luckily again no damage to the course occurred and they did not hit any of our players. This has of course resulted in some minor delays, as lying on the floor with ones hands over his head is becoming an unfavourite pasttime. On a good note, our course is now back to the oasis that it once was, as our water problems appear to be behind us now and full flow has been restored.

Well we have been graced this past week by a celebrity player, who jetted in, in Hercules the transporters belly to meet and greet the players on the tour, give a welcome moral boost and message of support from all you hotties and sports fans back in the UK. `For the love of golf` i hear you say - Who the bloody hell was it ? Well i shall leave you to think, and give a few clues as to their identity 1. He/She is a fellow jockanese, 2. likes to sing and act and finaly 3. is blessed with the Force!!!, answers on a postcard or email via our sponsor Hot Machero.

Competition Time: Its name the tour donkey time - As stated in the last update, the tour donkey needs a name as he is sick of players shouting out "oy wheres shrek" and "oh hows Dragon". So we are looking for a suitable name for our mascot - answers again on an email via our sponsors or direct if you know my email address - You could win a tour t-shirt as worn by one of our players.

Well that's about all there is for this update, the next one will be in around 2 weeks time, so till then, Be safe, Enjoy life and watch out for busses whilst crossing the street.

Jockanese_K-MBE out"

(bag pipes fade into the distance)