Wednesday 24 September 2008

Mother Dearest Blows Out Stonkin Ron

So as our next door neighbour couldn't baby sit it looked like that Wifey and I weren't going to get to go to this Folk gig at South Hill park.
I phoned Mother dearest in a last ditch attempt to see if she could cover .......an apologetic reply came back.....
"Sorry but I'm seeing Stompin Ron"
"Who the Fffffffffflip is Stonkin Ron when he's at home?" I replied
Apparently he is a roving DJ that plays at local dribbley homes. I can't imagine his playlist...it's hardly going to be prodigy followed by slipnot is it?
So it looked like we were not going to the ball after all...then 10 minutes later Mother dearest rings back and decides to blow the stonker out and babysit for us anyway....hoorah!

Today at work I was falling asleep at my computer terminal when I heard a familiar voice come into the room I turned my head and sure nuff there she was Cruella my old boss herself.....quickly extracting my ear stud wiping my dribble from my face and waking up a bit I congratulated her on her recent marriage to Big D and she proceeded to talk boss type things with “the awfully decent chap” She opened her discussion with “ so tell me what is new?”

I interjected “Boss it’s shit all shit!”

I got the “take a bollocking and shut up no one asked you anyway “ type put down so I carried on being bored with my computer . As she left the room (floating away of course) I did ask her if she was indeed reading these pages of absurdities.
She said she was and said that she was in the town centre recently and found her self to be very nervous lest she be mowed down by Mother Dearest or the Mothering Out law and their mobility scooters from hell.....I sympathised with her on this thought as she left the office . I put my stud back in “The awfully decent chap “ smiled at my rebellious stance and I settled back down to my computer again ....

But Cruella wasn’t the only blast from the past ...oh no! Remember Chippy? Well he contacted us on Facebook saying how much he liked our music and I quote
“I know you guys can’t have a lot of time to record so is that why you recorded Lazy Stones in the bath?”..........twit

We cut to Edinburgh castle and on a lonely bastion a lone tartan clad piper plays Scotland the brave as the wind playfully teases the tassles on his pipes and makes his kilt sway back and forth...this can only mean one thing.........yes an update from Jockanese K...MBE...yes I heard from our gulf war veteran ......the hero in his own porridge bowl the.........(lone piper ...butts in )

“Aye get on with it...I’m freezing me F******privates off up here ...why the F*** you building him up anyway......aye Hero my F****** A***. He came back unscathed from the middle east then plays a bit of Squash and tears his F****** Achilles tendon the wee woos...........I’m F****** off back down into the pub for a shot of F****** whisky”

Tis’ true my intrepid friend has dodged missiles in Iraq ...Spanked Taliban in Afghanistan ........but has got injured playing squash........we wish him all the best of course.

I leave you with the guff of the week......

Road Runner:"So which Half Marathan are you doing?"
Me " The Malta Half Marathan in March"
Road Runner: " Are you going to fly out there then?"
Me : "Nah I thought I'd run the Malta half Marathan in London"

I give up.....?!?!?!?!?

Monday 22 September 2008

Oil

Oil....A swear word at Spriggan Towers at the moment.....it has indeed been a substance that has caused wars between nations...and has certainly cost me a bit here.

As I am a self proclaimed lord of the blogs which entitles me to rip the proverbial out of anyone that enters my life .....sometimes on the old comments segment of the blog I can be left open to some feedbackthat could leave me red faced. In other words I'm dishing my own dirt before someone does it for me!

Well you see when it comes to my knowledge of cars I kinda stop at pedals steering wheel and gear lever. So when last week whilst speeding...(within the limit of course )towards my bass lesson i noticed that the engine warning light came on on my dash.It went after a few minutes ........ah well I thought can't of been anything too wrong. parked the car up ...Vanfest came and went and then last week whilst taking the rock star to school...it came on again and the car started to splutter so I parked 5 minutes short of school....So I got Rockstar to school . Mother Dearest beat the recovery man to me and picked up Mini Minx. After an hour a stab proof vested recovery man turned up (apparently he has been robbed at knife point for his Tom tom three times this year he was knocked out sparko by some bloke and is often threatened with his life as he tows away cars for The Metropolitan Police .......nasty lot those Met boys!)

Anyway the crux of this long winded piece of drivvle is that the car had insufficient oil in it.....ok ok ok !!!I've told you it's out ! I'm crap at maintaining cars ......so instead of about a £10 can of Oil it cost me over £200 as some crank thingamee bob was stuck due to some burnt oil on it.....obviously this has given Wifey license to bring up the episode every time money is mentioned. We are looking to sell the car anyway. We love it but we don't need a 4X4 anymore so not wanting to be in the Chelsea tractor brigade we want to sell it......Rockstar picks up on this and with a wagging finger and a scowl accross his eyebrows tells me...

"Now Dad...cos of you we are going to have to sell the 4x4! cos you didn't put Oil in it ......You should check your oil each week like mum does "

So there you have it........now Dark Marge before you feel the need to put the boot in whilst I'm prone ..I know you gave me a car maintenance book for Christmas about 15 years ago...well here is a shock........I didn't read it !!!!!(actually did come in handy a few years back but anyway)


Quick round up then.....Spriggan Mist are likely to have a guest singer to record Kultural Karma more news soon....
Oh yes the day after Mother dearest wrecked the market place in the town centre on her mobility scooter (see last blog) well knock me down my motherng out law (Wifey's mum of course) took out a whole shelving with hers at Woolies. I'm wondering if they are in competition ...bit like the Evil knieval/Eddie Kidd rivalry in the late 70s......shit showing my age now.

Tuesday 16 September 2008

Vanfest-market pest

We were in Eddy our 1973 VW campervan …Vanfest bound . It was Friday it was dusk and it was raining …there was a fatal accident on the M5 so our Sat Nav decided (upon my suggestion to avoid M5) to take us to Malvern via Tewkesbury……Yes that‘s right it’s torrential rain and we were heading towards Tewkesbury……not the brightest of decisions we have ever made and as we drove past swollen river banks and fields that were submerged with water lapping up onto the roads our fears were compounded! (for foreign readers Tewkesbury was submerged by floods last year ).

Talking of foreign readers……….You from New Delhi!!!!!…It’s great you read my blog but I’m curious…who are you …email me at sprigganmist@sky.com please…..I’d like to hear from you . I’d like to hear from my American readers too…..Howdy!

Anyway we reached Vanfest 2008 with the rain lashing down and the awning was set up with some help from the brotherhood of dubbers (I didn’t need help I’ve done it many a time in the dark……putting up a tent that is ….but it’s nice to get help)…so wet muddy and tired we had what I call a bits and pits wash and settled into our sleeping bag and fell into a nice sleep ..the night club /entertainment marquee was close enough to hear the proceedings without being annoying and I pondered on Dark Marge’s text he sent me on the way down ….”are you at Anorakfest yet” Vanfest is way far not an anoraky event …ok you do get the long haired spectacled sandal brigade cooing and ahhing at an original splitty but on the whole for those three days Vanfest is a thriving city of 10,000 VW campervans .(about 8,000 this year)

Saturday morning came and I went out early with the dog to survey the mud situation ………it was muddy………..in places of Glastonbury proportions……I went back to Eddy and the family on the way saying good morning to the anorak polishing his camper at stoopid o’clock in the morning (well it was a metallic purple 1963 split screen which was of show and shine calibre!!!) and settled down for some bacon sausage and egg breakfast and waited in anticipation to start exploring Vanfest 2008. Now I won’t bore you with all the details but it is just fun fun fun ! We alas missed seeing the Drifters (yep it was really them ….I reckon they died years ago but some clever taxidermist has managed to stuff ‘em and string them like puppets ) The mini Spriggans were getting tired so we returned back to Eddy from the disco dressed as Cowboys and Indians( don’t ask……I’m still finding feathers in my hair!) and listened to them from the comfort of our beloved camper. We could have been back in a time warp about thirty plus years !!! .

Sunday was more of the same but we saw Titan the robot walking round……I want one ! ….Rock star our 7 year old nearly dropped a curly as this eight foot robot came towards us ! You got to all check him out he’s awesome.

Whilst we were busy dub’n ,Mother dearest was busy causing mayhem on her Mobility scooter………no……… really causing mayhem ! She was in Bracknell market buying some fruit and veg. She was sat on her “Ferrari” as the green grocer placed a bag in her front basket….Mother Dearest reached over her handle bars to tie the bag up…….didn’t realise her scooter was still on !!! she leaned on the forward button……she flew forward into the veg stall ! nearly somersaulting her off the back. Took out a trestle supporting a huge table full of fruit and veg …sending it all flying ! The greengrocer dived for cover! As MD tried to reverse out of a sea of cabbages her front basket got caught on another table sending that and her basket and it’s contents sprawling…..

So endeth the sermon for today...remember If you see a red mobility scooter trundling towards you today....calmly turn around ....and then run like snot off of a chickens lip !!!!!it might just be Mother Dearest and you are in great danger!

Thursday 11 September 2008

Froggin hell!

It was dark I was emptying the recycling at the side of Spriggan Towers …….ok ok I was committing fashion suicide I had me flip flops on …but hey it was a quick shifty outside ok. I felt something cold and wet cross my foot…..I looked down couldn’t see anything . I went back inside to fetch a torch to investigate and I could hear the commotion upstairs of the mini Spriggans going to bed Wifey struggling to carry out the procedure as it is at times like trying to shove a multitude of excited monkeys into a box……….not that we condone that sort of behaviour at Spriggan Mist of course.

I shined my torch down by the bins like a search light searching for escaped prisoners and then caught in the beam were a pair of beady eyes looking back at me……..No I hadn’t finally found the whereabouts of our former singer Boots “ the spaceboy” (more about him later)….but instead a frog looked back at me as if to say ……”what the froggin hell are you looking at?” I was going to take a picture to impress the mini Spriggans but Wifey was calling for assistance …offering me words of advice such as “Stop your flippin front garden frog safari and come and help out” Excitedly I told Mini Minx as she settled down to bed and my excitement was met with a matter of fact response …”Well there is a pond next door “ as if to say …get a grip.

So this weekend 10,000 VW campervans are descending on Malvern for Vanfest 2008. We are going down there with Berkshire Bugs (no that isn’t an illness it’s a VW club) Can’t wait, last year was a blast a weekend of camper van madness…..Wifey is promising to stay off the wine this year !?!?

Boots the Spaceboy has been in contact he has a solo venture going at the moment called Watching Planes…the project is named after a song he wrote of the same name that has reached the final of the UK song writing contest beating around 6,000 other songs. He might have some opportunities to play it live coming up. He has asked that we may assist him, so watch this space. It will be quite cool to link up with him again.

Anyway My Bass teacher has got me looking at the mighty Jaco Pastorius at the moment …….hmm it’s a bit like getting your Sunday league pub footballer to play like Ronaldinho. Jaco was really the Godfather of fretless bass and my head is full of playing octaves and harmonics apart from other things like Vanfest , food ,running and writing endless drivel about the life and times of me.

I’ll end today’s offerings with a Mr T blooper…….after reading my blog about mother dearest phoning my mobile to see when she was going to bring it back to me as she had it in her possession . Mr T thought he would phone me on my mobile to see if I had it….except he rang my landline and the joke kind of fell flat.

Monday 8 September 2008

Healthy Shopping

Hooray! Schools are back. Rockstar proudly lined up as a Junior (key stage 2…ie year 3 ) His new teacher looked about 12 as he stood there in front of the class. So the daily routine will be settled again and in the next few weeks Mini minx starts big school too………(cue George Michael music….no not careless whisper??!?!??!?)…..Freedom!!!!!!!

So how’s my fight against BAFB going ?(Being A Fat Bast’d)…well on Saturday Wifey and I set off to Camberley (took the sproglets too) to find a specialist running shop as Wifey’s knee has started to hurt since starting running. Now as I’m battling against BAFB I erased the thought that entered my head upon arrival at Camberley that there is a cracking Chinese/Indian eat as much as you like restaurant called “So Asia” and I know Wifey was well thinking about it too but didn’t say anything….we must remain strong against these temptations resist the evils of fatness……. Rockstar suddenly piped up with …….”Dad can we go to that restaurant for dinner?” my mind was saying “No son Mummy and Daddy are portly people that need to reduce their food intake wouldn’t you prefer a lettuce leaf?” but what came out was “Yes son let’s go” We marched around Camberley looking for the specialist running shopping in order to get fit …couldn’t find it …so sod it ….. off to So Asia it was…….

After we gorged and guzzled fed and feasted we founds the shop they had us both on the treadmill filming our feet as we pounded down on the hapless machine…that quite frankly was going nowhere!!! Unlike my cocktail of chicken madras and sweet and sour pork balls . Anyway it turned out that Wifey is a moderate pronater but I’m a complete neutral runner ,in other words the way my foot treads when running is absolutely spot on straight where wifey’s are bent sort of anyway…before I knew it we were splashing big stylie on some really expensive Saucony trainers.

Early Sunday morning I went out for a run but to my disappointment the trainers didn’t do the running for me I still had to put in some effort although to be fair they are really comfy and I did knock off over 5 minutes off of my PB (ark at me eh??!??!?) for that distance. Weight is down to about 18stone 5 too. Which is amazing considering the So Asia trip.

We had to hurry home having battered our credit card again as SJ was coming over(do you remember her? Former Hot Machero singer ? niece? She had a dodgy Chinese meal in Brighton and ended up pregnant? …..you do ? cool) Well she brought over her baby……wow! she was just like a miniature version of SJ…looks around the room with that vacant expression …Pukes after she drinks too much …..laughs when you play peek a boo with her …and dribbles constantly…….two peas in a pod.

I think the Vatican should know about Cubase!!!! The Pope needs to denounce it as nothing more than Satin’s evil …for two weeks we have been slaving with Kultural Karma and it sounds half decent on Cubase but on exporting it I’m having issues ……it’s all a weird kind of science to me! I’d got so engrossed in trying to resolve my Cubase issues the other night that I realised about midnight I’d lost me mobile……..dum dum dahhh!!!! How could I survive so I rang it several times and I walked around the house listening for it …eventually Mother dearest answered it …..? She was in bed and could hear a strange noise coming from her sofa…upon further investigation she discovered my mobi which had fallen from my pocket when earlier that evening I jumped in to prone position on her settee pointing out how dry the room was and demanded some of her hotpot she was cooking for herself (my request was flatly denied ) well I suppose that was a bit cheeky…..So after getting Mother Dearest out of bed to answer my phone I let her go to sleep again …I remembered it was out of charge………so I rang it again …”Mother Dearest you couldn’t put it on charge for me could you ?” wasn’t really what she wanted to hear as she got out of bed the second time ….but hey ho! She chose to be my Mum!!!!!!!…..The next morning she arose from a somewhat interrupted sleep and thought ….she’d find out if I’d like her to bring my mobile phone round to me……….yep you guessed it…she rang my Mobi!!!!!!

Wednesday 3 September 2008

Highs and lows

La La La Lahhhhhhhh! lo lo lo lohhhhhhhhhhhhh! Done three versions of vocals for Kultural Karma now and it isn't working yet...we've tried me singing high....sounds annoying...in tune but just annoying. Tried low but ift sounds like I'm so bored! tried the two together and it souns like Bucks Fizz!!!!!I'll try again tonight ...I'll try and sing it like I sang Dragut's eye.....kind of middle range type effort....God I wish I could sing it would make things a darn sight easier!

If you look right I have a poll for you to vote for your favourite Spriggan Mist Song from the Konditions of change EP. If you are undecided as to which you like the most (or dislike the least) or if you have never heard our stuff click on the Myspace link to hear the tunes in their entirety
At time of writing Dragut's eye is leading the poll as your favourite

I was on a high today as all the team were back at work and the usual fun filled banter filled the office ...it soon turned to a low as i was clearing my desk to take residency full time 3 miles away at the council. I mean don't get me wrong the council people are kind of cool but I will miss Mr T and the Road Runner on a daily basis.

tomorrow is the second anniversary of Father Dearest's passing ...it's hard to believe he was gone before I started writing these pages of lunacy. If alive today I would for sure be writing double the amount I do such was the mad cap world he existed in....the frightening thing is he looks at me in the mirror every morning and I have inherited his uncanny nack of getting myself in the cack!!!!

Anyway vote for the song!

Monday 1 September 2008

Capers of Mother Dearest

So here we are again ...me tired at the computer mid morning. this time it was a culmination of recording til late and Mother Dearest falling ill in the middle of the night. Now before I make light of a very serious incident can i just point out that no Mother dearests were harmed in any way in the making of this blog and that all at Spriggan Towers wish to thank the Ambulance service for their speedy response and thankfully she is "A OK"............

So after pulling her cord the monitoring station do the neccesary and alert everyone and I arrived at MD's flat with the paramedic. Mother Dearest had been getting so dizzy that the room was spinning.....I pointed out that people paid good money to have that happen and I did check under the bed for discarded Newcky Brown cans but there were none......my next line of enquiry was ...was she dreaming of parachuting .......then pulled the cord? these suggestions were met with an icey stare.....It transpired she has Benine positional vertigo...in otherwords Mother Dearest is a dizzy wotnot!!!! didn't need a Paramedic and a Doctor to tell us that


It turned out it was not too serious be it most frightening at the time. I'm sure all you blog fans wish her well!....She's had a bit of a chequered couple of days has mother dearest really at the weekend she admitted to driving her Ferrari (red mobility scooter )whilst falling asleep.Can you imagine her driving down the road veering off to the left and the right like some kind of carry on film...snoring..........cars dodging this maniac asleep on her Scooter!knocking into market stalls......driving through them with cut price pink frillies sticking on her head and...then running over policemen who were directing traffic .....priceless.........when she got home she logged onto her email and moaned that she kept getting this email from a bloke called John Lewis ..........she didn't know a John Lewis and that he could go forth with his big shop?!?!?!?!?!

I'm sure all you sharp eye blog fans have noticed the gucci little gizmo at the side there telling you where readers were surfing on in to my blog....I've had people reading from New Delhi and Germany!!!!!!!!!!wow that is well cool. So here goes out a big shout to all our fans in India!.....oh and hello you from Germany !