Monday 31 December 2007

Into the Poo ....!!!!!!

In the words of John Lennon......."So this is Christmas what have you done?" (Boots will be proud of me for that ) So here is a Christmas round up of the Hot Machero band , fans and hangers on.

Christmas eve we discovered that you can track Santa as he goes all over the world via a site called Norad.....it basically plots Santa on Google Earth. this was a great source of amusement for Rockstar our 6 year old....and his cries of " Dad, Dad Santa is over Mongolia" as he sat wide eyed on the edge of the computer chair were met with equal wide eyes and quick steps of excitement by his Mother and Father. We actually had to check ourselves.......but we get caught up in the whole Christmas thing using the Mini Machero as excuses for many yuletide occurrences such as the lights on the front of the house the decs all the way through Christmas Songs at full volume throughout the house and the waist expanding food and drink . all for which we use...."well it's for the kids innit!" really........the crate of Magners and the two bottles of Baileys? Closing up for bedtime is an hour long event in it's self at the moment.......no ....not carrying Wifey upstairs suffering from one or five too many bottles of Barcardi Breezer.....or the strain on the legs getting upstairs because of copious amounts of mince pies....no it's because of the amounts of flippin Christmas lights to turn off

It was a great Christmas in Machero Towers , Santa was kind to us all. The neighbours were away so Wifey got to try out her Line 6 Spider III guitar amp just as amps should be played..........LOUD!!!!!!

As for your truly ? Wifey brought me a wireless receiver for my Bass....Marvellous !!!!!! You see to allow the kids their time to open their presents Christmas morning Wifey and I open ours at midnight on Christmas Eve........(the fact that we used to do that before kids is neither here or there......it's for the kids innit!) So there I was at 0030 hours cordlessly plank spanking in the front room , kitchen, in the bedroom then I ran out into the street with my pyjamas on stood outside next doors house and I could still hear my Ashdown pumping bass lines . To impress the kids in the morning I did the very same, still in my jimmy jams I quickly slipped on my sandals and ran to the bottom of the garden right in the middle of "Into the deep" I trod " into the dog crap" yes Doodles our dog had left a Christmas present on the lawn.....Merry Christmas dog!!!!!!!

Mother Dearest came over for Christmas day and my brother the Dark Marge came up from Dorset for a couple of days on Christmas morning ladened with gifts for the mini Machero and generally being quite Christmassy( This is however after he managed to get lost around the ring road in town for most of the morning .....again . The Outlaws came round too and the house was filled with Christmas cheer!!! Rockstar jumped into the drumming hot seat fresh off the School Nativity play gig where he really was a star doing the drumming and percussion for the whole show. Wifey and I grabbed our musical weapons and mini minx was let loose on the mic and gave the rellies a rock version of Jingle bells and Little Donkey...The Dark Marge carried on assembling Rockstar's Hogwart's Express Hornby train set which Santa had been so generous to give him and Uncle Marge had brought some accessories for . Putting the Dark Marge on the spot I asked him in front of his 6 year old nephew " So ...how did you know Santa was going to get Rockstar a train set....????" rather cleverly he replied " Santa's Elves paid me a visit and told me.....they were female elves wearing long boots.................just long boots" he then grinned like Scooby doo locked in a Scooby Snack factory!!!!!!

Shall I talk about the band for a bit? we are busy rehearsing for the 26th of Jan gig....Barabanshik is recovering from RSI in his wrist......not a good injury to have for a drummer ...he is still bashing away though . He has re kindled his love for some of that classic rock such as Deep Purple and Led Zepp. His BMW pulled up the other day with Deep Purple pumping away even chucking it on the school CD player as we set up........His suggestion that he'd like to do a purple cover was met with excited grins by wifey and I...Boots however didn't seem as enthusiastic......and his suggestion that part of one of the Deep Purple songs was almost "Beatles like " was met with the groans of disbelief the comment deserved.. I'm going to play him some really hard thrash or speed metal ..........and run a book on how long it takes him to find a Beatles influence in it.............

Wifey is busy with America (The Razorlight song that is not the country) as it happens her Spider III has a Razorlight setting and it sounds just like Razorlight's guitarist is sitting in the back room when she's playing the riff.

Me well I'm cordlessly playing away....I've kind of got to grips with most of the bass lines for the set I'm concentrating on fine tuning them getting into time with Bara bauble and tinsel shik and learning harmonies and backing which you all know I don't really enjoy and do struggle with.

So with 2007 drawing to a close I can only reflect on an awesome year........Hot Machero has made huge leaps forward and would like to thank the band for giving me an immense sense of pride to what we have achieved so far and the potential I'm know we have. I'd like to thank former members SJ, Chippy, Diddler, Dom and Pugwash for their help along the way...the band is only 10 months old yet as I write these names those early sessions when we couldn't even get through a whole song during rehearsals in a church loft with borrowed drums and 10 watt practice amps seems like another lifetime ago. With the greatest respect to the aforementioned , their predecessors Boots and Barabanshik are very talented and more experienced musicians that are pushing mine and Wifey's boundaries constantly.
2008 is going to be even more exciting I know it!

So all that is left to say is on behalf of Hot Machero I hope you all had a great Christmas and hope you all have a fantastic New Year........

We're off to Jockanese K...MBE 's New Year's fancy dress party tonight ........yes the man is back all in one piece ....I will report on this later this week. Until next year this is the Bass man signing out .

Wednesday 19 December 2007

Jockanese K....MBE last update

At Heathrow Police station stands a prisoner's property bag ....inside a set of bagpipes........the grumpy foul mouthed lone piper finally silenced! If only til the courts let him off that is.............

A very merry festive greetings to all you Tinsel crowned hotties, mince pie filled sports fans and red breasted Trekies out there.

Well the time has come for me to call FOUR on the tour updates, even though i still have a week or so to go before departing these shores for pastures friendly. I suspect the final hole will be most difficult of all the holes by far. Our organising authorities are about to hand over the area to the locals, and our rivals have already stepped up their golf ball throwing in objection. But with our heads down and chins up, we will continue to play our way down the fairway, and the tour shall carry on.

Well the celebrities have flown the cooop so now its the turn of Mr Big cheese to pay another visit to the tour on yet another cynical PR stunt, obviously he didnt learn the painful lesson the last time he tried. With a few quotes of Churchill and Mountbatten, and with his feet firmly planted in his mouth, again he rained confusion and untruths and gave people in the homeland the impression that we would all be back for Xmas, oh what a lovely idea Mr Big, pity its not going to happen. Never mind i am sure that the homeland players will see through your veil and see you for what you are!!

On another note of a visit this week, it was my pleasure to be invited along with several other players from the Blue Airways to meet and greet out head chief. He was visiting to show his support for all the blue suited members of playing staff and organisers. So it was tea and crumpets all round, with a few tally ho's and pointed wax moustaches, slaps on the thighs, but no white scarves to be seen.

You may well remember last weeks update, i mentioned a commedian that was visiting, well he is here and starts his 1st shows tomorrow night (that's Sunday 16th Dec), and yours truly is at the premier, so ill tell you all about it when i get home, and obviously tell you who it was too, and if i am lucky ill have a picture or two that can prove it.

I would like to say thank you to you all for bearing with my ramblings over the past 4 months, and hope that they have not bored you too much and have provided a little entertainment and a few laughs along the way. Writing the updates has given me a release from the environment and the ability to laugh off some of the unsavoury elements of playing on the tour.

So for the last time, i shall sign off, pack my troubles away and take the short walk to freedom, As the song goes "Leaving on a jet plane....dont know when ill be back again....." hopefully not too soon

I hope everyone has a very merry Christmas and a prosperous New Year.

Thanks for reading.


Jockanese K Mbe


On behalf of every one connected with Hot Machero ....Jocky K ....MBE ...we salute you! hurry home .
(The sound of a lone piper playing in the Far far East can be heard as he hitch hikes towards the M1 Scotland bound!)

Thursday 13 December 2007

Birthday Club

The birthday club is an exclusive group that Wifey and I belong to. It meets on the occasion of the nearest Saturday to the 8th day of December each year and has done for a few years now…the occasion is our groupie chief baby sitter and head of the Hot Machero fan club M's…(formerly known as Fraggle)birthday . M was 38 this year yet last week she was asked for ID to prove she was 18 to purchase alcohol (this is the truth by the way!)Anyway this prestigious club sits at a table of M's choice in a local eating house and consists of her friends. We rarely all meet up any other time in the year…just on birthday club nights. The club consists of obviously M……..we tried to get her to baby sit the kids so we could go to this year's birthday club but then it would of kind of defeated the object. Then there is Wifey and I……White Van man and his wife Corky…….white van man ….drives …….a white van! Corky is called such for reasons unknown to me. I'm sure I will weasel the reason out of her but I'd like to think it is the copious amounts of corks she removes from the fizzy grape juice!!!!Then there is The Chicken man!!! He eats fresh eggs from his chickens one of which thinks it's a dog and has come running to him and laid an egg at his feet…….Yes I know dogs don't lay eggs but they fetch stuff and drop it at y……never mind. Chicken man's other half who was ill this year and was unable to partake so we'll name her next year! Then there is the Ginger whinger! He is ginger and whinges….can't say I have heard him whinge that much but then I see him for one evening once a year the rest of the 364 and a half days he may be a right whiner!!!M's sister Metal head…….no she's not a robot or anything just loves her heavy metal music though doesn't look your stereotypical metaller but nonetheless digs metal in a big way!!!!!!….then …there is the Ringer!!!!!!! I am naming this fiend the Ringer as the last time we met up we went Bowling and Ringer told everyone she had never really bowled before and the gazillion strikes she got were just …..flukey! this relegated the men of the group to loser status especially white van man !

So this year we congregated at a Noodle bar …….before going to a local bowling alley for a rematch…with our bellies full we walked through Chavsville town centre dodging chavs pissing from balconies onto the plazas below and the 10 year olds drinking diamond white outside on pub corners. It would be most unfair to actually name this town but to give you a clue it starts with "Maid" and finishes with "enhead".

At the bowling alley the girls took the challenge oh so seriously and you could see that it was going to be tough when us relaxed blokes beat them. So off we set us on our lane and them on theirs ……. well you would think that would be obvious wouldn't you….think again at one point wifey and white van man were locked in a battle of wills as they stood shoulder to shoulder hexing each others bowling ball…when Wifey decided she would throw her ball well shonky down our alley knocking a pitiful three or four pins over so white van man rolled his into the gully scoring nil point! The game was going well, evenly scored when I noticed Wifey's (always at the centre of controversy) ball bounce off the gully and hit the pins…the kid's gully rails were up …..cheats!!!!! At the end of the first game I scored the highest and our average was better than the girls the second game was similar the Ginger Whinger won it I scored enough to be the overall winner and Ringer…..won the ladies game but was still not in the bloke's calibre …..Wifey managed to get a two free bottles of bubbly because the gully rails came up on their own and they couldn't put them down in the first game ??!?!?!?!? hmmmm she complained ( she is a pro at this……..I don't mean as in she constantly whinges !!!!! I mean she is good when as a consumer she has been wronged!………) and the manager gave the group some bubbly…M took one and as victor and birthday club bowling champion I took the other . so after dodging chavs again the evening was ended in the wee hours and we all vowed as is tradition to meet up before next year (we never do !!!!!!)

If you are wondering why the text is bigger on this blog it is because my most avid readers Wifey's Parents ….aka The Outlaws find the small print a little difficult to read (They don't have a computer so I print them off you see ) So it will appear as if I'm shouting from now on….those that know me will know I'm softly spoken and as quiet as mouse!!! So it will be very uncharacteristic

The band has taken a break this week as Boots has had family commitments and Wifey and I have done the nativity thing with Rockstar who incidentally has done all the drumming and percussion for his play absolutely fantastically…...and I mean fantastic !!!!! Wifey and I have plank spanked along too with the Cat weazle the music teacher ….he is great…retired, long white hair ,long white goaty and eccentric…… oh and does Morris dancing …a right character !!!!! He's actually come to our house twice to rehearse with us …on his days off . Mini minx dressed as an angel and looked cute at her concert but I'm sure I saw the halo slip and little red horns pop up!!!! ...With a group of three year olds singing you can guarantee the following…..the cute…ahhhhhh factor….(minx was one ) there is always one child louder than the rest and usually out of tune and this year's concert one little boy had the lungs of Pavarotti (when he was alive you divs!!!!) compared to the others and the teachers had to virtually man handle him and gag him…then there is the disinterested who will roll over and lie on those gym benches and slide up and down on their backs and bellies .( was it me or does it always seem that you ended up sitting on the nobby bits on those benches?) Their parents try and attract the disintrested's attention so they can take a keepsake piccie but to no avail they couldn't give a S…ilent night!!! Cry babies………… they burst into tears as they feel like fish in a fish tank all these parents cooing and ahhhhing at their little darlings….Snot…….there is always one kid with a steady stream of thick green goo trickling from their nostrils to their mouth and when their parent's or teacher gesture to them that they have this slime descending from their sniffer they get rid of it…..yes with a great swipe of their tongue!!!!!and last but by no means least…..the tormentor…in that given scenario they will endeavour to stick their grubby little fingers in the cutest kid that is sat near them's ears or push their bum over to squash or knock them off….all this as parents miss the performance as they are busy trying to film it on their camcorders so they can view it over and over again …(or store it for 12 years or so for future boyfriend and girlfriends tee heee!) and of course the ever patient teacher who is smiling with gritted teeth she really didn't want to do the play this year but had to and when all the children and parents are gone hits the bottle saying " thank flock that's over with"

So we have been working out the play list for our next gig all 13 songs !!!! and come Monday wifey and I will be replacing little donkey with some kick ass rock again.

I end this mega blog today to let you ponder on this thought….I have worked out that around 30 to 40 people read this blog each post through myspace and blogger ( I post it in two places) I can account for about 15 ….so who are the rest? Who is reading about Mother dearest's escapades who is reading about Hot Machero? Who is reading about you?…………..curious .......very curious!!!!!!!!

Monday 10 December 2007

Jockanese K..MBE Nearly home time!

The Departure lounge at Glasgow Airport echoes with the sounds of a lone piper playing “In the far far East” the sound passes though passport control and then into the searching hall where the sound muffles only for about 5 seconds as our intrepid bard passes through the x- ray machine along with the handbags cameras and wallets. the pipes drift off to the departure gates bound for London!!! Scotland’s son returns next week the tartan army are heading south......


Welcome back to all you hotties, Sports fans and Maltese Pompy Fans out there (ok A Fan)...
Well the tour has certainly become focused this week, as the tour Tic's down into its final stretch (ok I`m winding down anyway). With just over 2 weeks of playing time left and my replacement players arrival imminent, I am finding it hard to focus on the holes in front of me, and to stop myself from getting a little bit excited about the prospect of finishing the tour. The end is in sight and that 19th hole party looms just around the corner.
Our neighbours have stepped up their attempts at disrupting the tour this week. With all the new players on the course still perfecting their swings and finding the lay of the land, the neigbours have taken the opportunity to test their resolve and find out how dedicated a golf player they are. We have seen an increase in foreign golf ball activity, and we have unfortunately seen a couple of players receive minor wounds from flying divots. I can happily report though, that one of the unlucky players can now at least sit down again with the aide of the golf carts spare tyre!!!.

Well i have some very sad news to report, during a player roundup exercise and golf ball throwing competition, i have sadly lost my new Henno hat as presented last week. In the middle of inspecting the restaurants floor for cleanliness and being ushered out back to the hotel, my hat was accidentally left behind. Some unsavoury player has decided to keep it rather than hand it in to the reception.

It seems that a new craze has hit the celebrity world called "Let's visit the troops", or as we like to call it "let's use the troops to give us good PR". We have again been visited by more B listed models, this time the topless variety (dont get too excited readers - their clothes stayed on). So cynically i have to question the true purpose of these visits beyond whipping up magazine sales amongst the adolescent male population and making all the young soldiers drool and act like flies round Sh*te. I did hear someone shouting about his nuts, until i realised that's what was printed on the girls rather small t-shirt. Wouldn't it be nice to actually have someone come out here because they have something to give other than a stiff........ Well bugger me with a fish fork and call me a Taxi.......`I can hear Jock with Pipes now.....Yoor a Taxi`, IS there such a celebrity out there?, YES there is, however due to parental concerns the said person wishes to remain anonymous. All i can say is it is a comedian, and the said person is giving up their time for free, and even closing their own club in the homeland for the duration of his visit to the tour - so our hats off to them (well i would if i still had one).......

HEALTH WARNING - The tour has sufferred a most unfortunate accident this week. A young man stripped down....(his weapon)....ready for routine cleaning on the toilet??. Instead of sticking to a strict laid down set of procedures he decided to deviate and play with his weapon, cocked it out of sync, resulting in a premature and unwanted discharge, not to mention the creation of a nice hole in one of his palms. The poor boy has now learnt a very important lesson "playing with you weapon can be dangerous, it can result in unwanted discharges and missing body parts"

SEVERE WEATHER WARNING - The tour on Friday had to be suspended due to bad weather. There have been sporadic reports of flash floods, electical fires and large brown muddy ponds springing up across the course. It is unclear yet as to how long the torrential rains will last, but if it keeps up we will require canoes and some diving gear if we are to continue the tour. Even Shrek would be happy to wallow in this swamp!!.
Well thats all for this week, next weeks update will be the last update from the water trodden course. Till then be seen, be safe and watch out for them busses, and also remember boys - dont play with your weapons......

Jockanese K.... MBE

“Air traffic control Heathrow from BA 152”
“Go ahead BA152”
“ Good morning we are heading for final descent into Heathrow we have a problematic passenger on board can you ensure we have a reception party to deal on arrival ?”
“All received 152.....can I hear bagpipes in the background?”

Thursday 6 December 2007

A rear Admission

What I hear you say another blog .....well I'm writing this over lunch so if bits of chicken and stir fry end up on your screen you know where it came from.......seriously though the reason i write today is to bring you good people of blogland .......the truth the whole truth so help me Bob!.(rugrats fans will remember Angelica saying this ...for those of you lost .....get a life! you can get Rugrats on DVD now so educate yourselves....!!!!)

My day started just like yesterday...it was raining and the Maltese word for rain is Xita (Pronounced Shitta) which will indicate exactly how the day is going!!!!!
The Mini Machero wanted to ride the bikes to school so I agreed as we left the house I looked down at my keys and realised the house keys weren't on the bunch ....I was officially locked out !!!! so a call to Mother dearest who donned her cape and mask and set off into town (where she was headed anyway) and arranged a rendevouz point to give me my lock activation device commonly know as a Key!!!!!

Anyway we got the mini Machero to school and Nursery and the heavens opened there I was riding away from the nursery when the Nursery parent commitee type person called me over to ask if I had filled in the form that I should have etc..etc... I hadn't ...she said
"that's ok ...it needs to be back before January I do apologise it's just me being anal"
I tried to empathise and wantedher to think that I too can get a bit fussy over these things but I said

"That's ok Ann...I do anal!"

As soon as the words left my mouth I cringed . the now busy bustling playground was silent I had said it really loud too! Juat in a lull of everyones's conversation! I looked round Mum's ,Granny's ,Teachers and children of this suburban mainly middle class catholic community had just heard me say I DO ANAL!......I'm sure a piece of tumble weed passed me by as I then said

" I can't believe I said that" the laughter broke out on all sides I tried to redeem my self by saying " I mean I can handle anal"

Anal woman said "really and you being on the PTA as well!!!!

" I didn't mean it like that....." then I thought my God! got to be PC here....
" not that I have anything against it " by now ribs were splitting

this was met with even more laughter all that was needed was the head and parish priest to be present and I would have made an even bigger impression.

I said to anal woman "think I better go" ....and peddled of ...fast but not fast enough not to hear a little girl in pig tails carrying her satchel ask her Mum
"Mummy what does, I do anal mean?"
I cycled off to town to meet Mother dearest!!!!!!!!

Later I was stopped by a Parent I know just to say hello to who was assisting the PTA at St Margaret Clitherow's Christmas Fete where we did the gig. She collared me outside Tescos she was carrying her children and it was raining but she stopped me and spoke with me ...and I quote

" Thought I'd come and tell you ...the band went down really well the feedback we've had has been really good loads of people have said so well done I'm sure they'll want you to play again " my reply of "Really?" was met with " seriously, you really did make that fete, thank you"

it's nice to hear it from family and friends but from strangers or someone who didn't have to say it meant a lot

Twas a proud moment

Wednesday 5 December 2007

Crumpets and wine

It just wouldn't stay up....I pulled it and yanked it ,put more sticky hooks on it, tied it ,even put pins in it....... all I could do was stand on my doorstep and watch it flop down again..I was trying to get this Christmas garland surrounding our front door to stay up but it was being ....what did I call it at the time?......... a Mucking banker I think?

It was drizzling I was due to go to work so I'm standing there in my shirt and tie defeated in the drizzle standing amongst an illuminated reindeer and twinkly stars and more LEDs than piccadily circus and a "Santa stops here" sign.....oh really....?.... well would he like to put the b@stard garland up then ? So I managed to get it to stay up and proceeded to place 240 blue LEDs in the hedge..........as I put one side up the otherside fell down, picked that length up and the first bit fell down. I played this see saw game what seemed a hundred times....eventually after a ruck with the hedge it looked well smart with lots of twinkley blue lights, I..., on the otherhand didn't...... I looked like I was going into battle camouflaged with bits of bush all over me.

The night before at rehearsals I had taken some very important video footage of Boots with his acoustic guitar playing some of his work such as This is England ,Down to Earth ,Count to a Million and Songbird all of which at some point will become Hot Machero songs. My next task was to very quickly down load the footage and then burn the tracks on to DVDs for Wifey,Barabanshik and I to work on our bits and eventually it will all come together in some resemblance of a song...........it worked on Happy New Year.....So with next to no time left I connected the video camera up to the PC.......eagerly I awaited the software to kick in.........now all of you who have a computer will sympathise.....it's a procedure I 've done ....every week ....pop the USB line in and there you are the software opens ,it down loads,you edit the video select a background and call the DVD whatever you like and you have your DVD.......except today, I was in a rush!!!!!!! so the damn software wouldn't work, so I'm frantically looking at all the connections restarting the computer........ swearing at the computer ....pleading with the computer...on my knees and begging the sodding computer eventually Wifey on the phone talked sense and told me to put it down take a deep breath and ........leave for work aggghhhhhh!!!!! I couldn't............ I had another mission.
My next mission was to retrieve a parcel that had been attempted to be delivered twice last week and as a punishment for not cancelling my life to wait for the deliveryman , it was taken to a warehouse about 20 miles away ......but I was given a map that could of been and might as well of been any other town in England. Aptly I had to look for Coronation Street I nearly phoned up Mr T as he never misses an episode......but what this sorry excuse for a map didn't tell me about was width restrictions and no left turns. As I turned down some residential road with humps in I realised I'd gone wrong and had to stop as the biggest hump was the one I had ....so I did a 300 point turn in this little road and upset a Mildrid standing on her drive just in case some hapless parcel seeker just happened to have the audacity to turn down her road and make a meal out of a three point turn.......well she looked like a Mildrid! I gestured with my fingers to her it only took two minutes........ so she could go and get a coke and a smile and get a life! Eventually I found the delivery company the second time I had driven up the road......I cursed myself.... how the flying fat had I missed the premises the first time with about 5 delivery vans all liveried up with the logo I had on my piece of card advising me I had to take this journey miles out of my way because of that imortal sin of being out......After checking I had got the right place, made that mistake before!...(check out blog named ..Our best gig yet dated Friday 20.07/2007) I thought out aloud to one of the delivery drivers of the five very stationary delivery vans and suggested if they weren't so stationary I wouldn't of been made to collect my delivery myself.. Anyway I came away with a nice big box and scooted to work.

I had yet another adventure with Mother dearest last Saturday..........I decided we needed some groceries from Sainsburys mother dearest was with me and the mini Machero......So we pull outside the store after being pipped to the last parent with grandparent bay!!!!! for the umpteenth time ......so I park the Machero mobile up on the otherside of the carpark and we set off hiking to the door entrance ...mother dearest started sniffing the air and in true scooby doo and shaggy style following the graphic cartoon scooby snack smell......Mother dearest and my six year old Rock star were off to a Flora Margerine stand giving away crumpets with.........yes buttery like Flora upon it. After her obligatory inuendos involving Crumpet and the amount of time since etc...etc.. i managed to prize her away into the store .........don't know as if it was cos it was food....more because it was free and it would be rude not to....but at the deli counter she was like a hawk she spotted the last bits of sausage roll on a stick ....sliding past an old dear whose fingers were poised over the paper plate like Gavin Hastings heading for the try line swifting the lonely piece of sausage roll and moving off down the aisle spotting the chocolate and wine promotion......I tried to persuade the lady with this lovely desert wine not to give mother dearest the alcohol .....but it was too late she was swigging the drink before I could say Alcoholics anonymous.....all that was left was Mother dearest to let out a huge burp and undo her top trouser button and it would have been the end of a right feast. Then she spotted another free promotion and with the dexterity of a jedi knight dodged some rogue trolly being pushed by an old boy with a dodgy wheel (the trolley not the old boy) she approached the stand and only through my quick hand swifting the bottle away did I prevent Mother dearest from downing a sample of handcream!!!!!????!?!?!?!?

So I leave you all with the fact that this is blog number 90! I feel like David Beckham (no I don't have golden balls) I feel like Becks going for my 100th cap .......he's one short me I'm 10 short....as I ponder on how we are to mark this special occassion I leave you with that age old riddle......

Is Smurf Poo Blue?

Sunday 2 December 2007

Jockanese K..MBE and the pavement Pizzas

(Sung to the tune of Robin hood...you know riding through the glen!)

Jocky K Jocky K back in his den
Jocky K Jocky K with his band of men.
He had a big hat
cos his head is fat
Jocky K Jocky K.......Jocky K

Welcome to another excruciating episode of the Desert Classic Gu(o)lf tour 2007, the tour brought to you from a dusty and baron place......(no not my wallet).

Well leading on from players visiting hospitals in previous weeks, we have now been plagued with vairous ailments (Flu type symptoms with the urge to produce pavement pizzas by the barrel load - YUK!!) this is of course causing a temporary interruption to the tour. Fingers crossed with only 3 weeks of the tour to go, ill be ok and avoid such un-pleasantires (news flash i have the Man Flu!!!)

Well it has been a relatively quiet week this week, with only a couple of incidents to report on by way of Golf ball activity - touch wood, fingers crossed it stays that way.

I however was surprised this week by my fellow players. To give you a bit of background, we are issued what is commonly known as a floppy hat with our uniform. Now these hats have a very similar appearance to flying saucers, or fisherman's hats. Most of our groundkeeper types here have the hats altered to reduce them in size, thus reducing their somewhat embarrasing look. I my self being of Scotish origins, would not dare dream of spending my hard earned golf winnings on such alterations, rather if its issued that way, it stays that way. You can well imagine a certain amount of ribbing has therefore ensued throughout the tour in my direction from my friends and fellow players, but i stood fast and refused to alter my hat. So whilst on the mid tour break and unbeknown to me, my friends and fellow players colluded together and obtained a spare floppy, and proceeded to have it altered to a lesser embarrasing size. They also paid to have said altered hat embroidered with the name "Henno MBE", in reference to a Sgt Henno from the TV programme `ultimate force` and the character whom Ross Kemp played (although i believe i still have a bit more hair than him). So with me in the homeland my room mate was tasked with a stealthy mission, to raid my drawers and find my embarrasing unaltered floppy (he has since been severely reprimanded and told never to root in my drawers again!!!). Unfortunately for him, he did not find said floppy, and upon my return it was returned to my head where it belonged. To cut a long story short, my friends and fellow players proceeded to embarrass me in the mess in front of the whole camp, unceremoniously removing my large floppy, and presenting the new one... I would therefore like to thank my friends,,, Big T, Bernie, Tracie F, Debs , Dex, Donna and Scottie my roomie, for the new hat and new nickname.

Well we have again been graced by a visit from some famous people, mind you we are a little on the dissapointed side. Usually when we get visits they are from actors or politicians so no explanations required. This time however we were visited by a model, now you would expect that given what she is famous for, she would have at least demonstrated her skills for the troops (Its ok Mrs Jockanese - i stayed in my office the whole time and saw nothing!). In case you wondered who she was, it was Teddy Sheringham's Ex Daniella Lloyd. Mind you she did cause a few laughs, especially when she made some whistling noises as the wind blew through the gap between her ears. The girls were all giving it, ooh look she has hair extensions,, and one commented having seen her in the shower in the morning that she had an orange peel for a bottom - I can only assume by this she was either confused with her fruits and meant peach (ooh err), or the girl has cellulite and in which case it proves air brushing really does work. All the blokes could rant about was ooh what a nice pair or coconuts and a nice peach of a .......oh so typical of blokes.

We were also granted an audience with Mrs Fern Britton this week of `This Morning` fame as well as `Ready Steady Cook`, now we know she was not out here sampling the local delicases for Ainsley Harriot, nor was she out here to try the tour Diet, so somewhat of a mystery was her visit. It was suggested by a player that maybe she was out looking for Phil's Gopher!!!!.

Well the tour only has 3 weeks left to run, with only 2 more updates from the course itself, ill sign off until next weeks update, i hope you are not all out spending wads of cash on christmas presents - unless they are for me of course and you are all well.

Jockanese K MBE


The sound of bagpipes echoes around a cold blustery Scottish loch ....the camers pans around and instead of the lone piper there is a ghetto blaster sat on the side of water..............where is the lone Piper

Saturday 1 December 2007

Cruella and the Pig Hugger

It is all change in our office at the moment . Some of the staff in my office work out in the field and only come into the office in the evening. One of the newest of these staff is a girl known as Pig hugger. You see pig hugger is so called because she has done exactly that in the past …but that is another story

Pig hugger is Finnish…(no I don’t mean she is all done…she’s from Finland) She has an accent like the Swedish chef from the Muppets….as we are all very culturally minded, Pig hugger has endured the 120 questions regarding Finnish and Finland…she has been very patient …and even kept her cool when asked if she liked Monty Python’s song called Finland…..Mr T even pointed out that Finland has the third highest number of guns owned by it’s populace…..we had a lengthy discussion about the inappropriate comment that was made about Finnish being gun toting maniacs….she has taken it in her stride and I’m sure she is getting tired of telling how a girl from Helsinki ended up in London . Personally I don’t know what the fascination is with all things Finland . My colleagues and I are now well in the know about Santa’s homeland………..……did you know Nokia was from Finland too?

No Mr T early yesterday morning, no idle chitter chatter about “I’m a celebrity get me out of here “with Road runner. Is it just me or are others getting tired of reality shows? …..I mean ok….. Celebrity get me out of here is kind of cool I suppose but come on….Strictly come dancing,..X-Factor ?……I have managed to not get sucked in again to the latter. It’s just a way for Louis Walsh and Simon Cowell churning out a one hit Christmas number one.. What happened to the garage bands the endless gigs and hardwork getting to the top…..No!….. Everyone wants success now and as easy as possible….

What do these judges actually know anyway? Did you know that once Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin talent show competition as himself and came third!!!!!!!!