Crumpets and wine

It just wouldn't stay up....I pulled it and yanked it ,put more sticky hooks on it, tied it ,even put pins in it....... all I could do was stand on my doorstep and watch it flop down again..I was trying to get this Christmas garland surrounding our front door to stay up but it was being ....what did I call it at the time?......... a Mucking banker I think?

It was drizzling I was due to go to work so I'm standing there in my shirt and tie defeated in the drizzle standing amongst an illuminated reindeer and twinkly stars and more LEDs than piccadily circus and a "Santa stops here" sign.....oh really....?.... well would he like to put the b@stard garland up then ? So I managed to get it to stay up and proceeded to place 240 blue LEDs in the hedge..........as I put one side up the otherside fell down, picked that length up and the first bit fell down. I played this see saw game what seemed a hundred times....eventually after a ruck with the hedge it looked well smart with lots of twinkley blue lights, I..., on the otherhand didn't...... I looked like I was going into battle camouflaged with bits of bush all over me.

The night before at rehearsals I had taken some very important video footage of Boots with his acoustic guitar playing some of his work such as This is England ,Down to Earth ,Count to a Million and Songbird all of which at some point will become Hot Machero songs. My next task was to very quickly down load the footage and then burn the tracks on to DVDs for Wifey,Barabanshik and I to work on our bits and eventually it will all come together in some resemblance of a song...........it worked on Happy New Year.....So with next to no time left I connected the video camera up to the PC.......eagerly I awaited the software to kick in.........now all of you who have a computer will sympathise.....it's a procedure I 've done ....every week ....pop the USB line in and there you are the software opens ,it down loads,you edit the video select a background and call the DVD whatever you like and you have your DVD.......except today, I was in a rush!!!!!!! so the damn software wouldn't work, so I'm frantically looking at all the connections restarting the computer........ swearing at the computer ....pleading with the computer...on my knees and begging the sodding computer eventually Wifey on the phone talked sense and told me to put it down take a deep breath and ........leave for work aggghhhhhh!!!!! I couldn't............ I had another mission.
My next mission was to retrieve a parcel that had been attempted to be delivered twice last week and as a punishment for not cancelling my life to wait for the deliveryman , it was taken to a warehouse about 20 miles away ......but I was given a map that could of been and might as well of been any other town in England. Aptly I had to look for Coronation Street I nearly phoned up Mr T as he never misses an episode......but what this sorry excuse for a map didn't tell me about was width restrictions and no left turns. As I turned down some residential road with humps in I realised I'd gone wrong and had to stop as the biggest hump was the one I had ....so I did a 300 point turn in this little road and upset a Mildrid standing on her drive just in case some hapless parcel seeker just happened to have the audacity to turn down her road and make a meal out of a three point turn.......well she looked like a Mildrid! I gestured with my fingers to her it only took two minutes........ so she could go and get a coke and a smile and get a life! Eventually I found the delivery company the second time I had driven up the road......I cursed myself.... how the flying fat had I missed the premises the first time with about 5 delivery vans all liveried up with the logo I had on my piece of card advising me I had to take this journey miles out of my way because of that imortal sin of being out......After checking I had got the right place, made that mistake before!...(check out blog named ..Our best gig yet dated Friday 20.07/2007) I thought out aloud to one of the delivery drivers of the five very stationary delivery vans and suggested if they weren't so stationary I wouldn't of been made to collect my delivery myself.. Anyway I came away with a nice big box and scooted to work.

I had yet another adventure with Mother dearest last Saturday..........I decided we needed some groceries from Sainsburys mother dearest was with me and the mini Machero......So we pull outside the store after being pipped to the last parent with grandparent bay!!!!! for the umpteenth time ......so I park the Machero mobile up on the otherside of the carpark and we set off hiking to the door entrance ...mother dearest started sniffing the air and in true scooby doo and shaggy style following the graphic cartoon scooby snack smell......Mother dearest and my six year old Rock star were off to a Flora Margerine stand giving away crumpets with.........yes buttery like Flora upon it. After her obligatory inuendos involving Crumpet and the amount of time since etc...etc.. i managed to prize her away into the store .........don't know as if it was cos it was food....more because it was free and it would be rude not to....but at the deli counter she was like a hawk she spotted the last bits of sausage roll on a stick ....sliding past an old dear whose fingers were poised over the paper plate like Gavin Hastings heading for the try line swifting the lonely piece of sausage roll and moving off down the aisle spotting the chocolate and wine promotion......I tried to persuade the lady with this lovely desert wine not to give mother dearest the alcohol .....but it was too late she was swigging the drink before I could say Alcoholics anonymous.....all that was left was Mother dearest to let out a huge burp and undo her top trouser button and it would have been the end of a right feast. Then she spotted another free promotion and with the dexterity of a jedi knight dodged some rogue trolly being pushed by an old boy with a dodgy wheel (the trolley not the old boy) she approached the stand and only through my quick hand swifting the bottle away did I prevent Mother dearest from downing a sample of handcream!!!!!????!?!?!?!?

So I leave you all with the fact that this is blog number 90! I feel like David Beckham (no I don't have golden balls) I feel like Becks going for my 100th cap .......he's one short me I'm 10 short....as I ponder on how we are to mark this special occassion I leave you with that age old riddle......

Is Smurf Poo Blue?