Birthday Club

The birthday club is an exclusive group that Wifey and I belong to. It meets on the occasion of the nearest Saturday to the 8th day of December each year and has done for a few years now…the occasion is our groupie chief baby sitter and head of the Hot Machero fan club M's…(formerly known as Fraggle)birthday . M was 38 this year yet last week she was asked for ID to prove she was 18 to purchase alcohol (this is the truth by the way!)Anyway this prestigious club sits at a table of M's choice in a local eating house and consists of her friends. We rarely all meet up any other time in the year…just on birthday club nights. The club consists of obviously M……..we tried to get her to baby sit the kids so we could go to this year's birthday club but then it would of kind of defeated the object. Then there is Wifey and I……White Van man and his wife Corky…….white van man ….drives …….a white van! Corky is called such for reasons unknown to me. I'm sure I will weasel the reason out of her but I'd like to think it is the copious amounts of corks she removes from the fizzy grape juice!!!!Then there is The Chicken man!!! He eats fresh eggs from his chickens one of which thinks it's a dog and has come running to him and laid an egg at his feet…….Yes I know dogs don't lay eggs but they fetch stuff and drop it at y……never mind. Chicken man's other half who was ill this year and was unable to partake so we'll name her next year! Then there is the Ginger whinger! He is ginger and whinges….can't say I have heard him whinge that much but then I see him for one evening once a year the rest of the 364 and a half days he may be a right whiner!!!M's sister Metal head…….no she's not a robot or anything just loves her heavy metal music though doesn't look your stereotypical metaller but nonetheless digs metal in a big way!!!!!!….then …there is the Ringer!!!!!!! I am naming this fiend the Ringer as the last time we met up we went Bowling and Ringer told everyone she had never really bowled before and the gazillion strikes she got were just …..flukey! this relegated the men of the group to loser status especially white van man !

So this year we congregated at a Noodle bar …….before going to a local bowling alley for a rematch…with our bellies full we walked through Chavsville town centre dodging chavs pissing from balconies onto the plazas below and the 10 year olds drinking diamond white outside on pub corners. It would be most unfair to actually name this town but to give you a clue it starts with "Maid" and finishes with "enhead".

At the bowling alley the girls took the challenge oh so seriously and you could see that it was going to be tough when us relaxed blokes beat them. So off we set us on our lane and them on theirs ……. well you would think that would be obvious wouldn't you….think again at one point wifey and white van man were locked in a battle of wills as they stood shoulder to shoulder hexing each others bowling ball…when Wifey decided she would throw her ball well shonky down our alley knocking a pitiful three or four pins over so white van man rolled his into the gully scoring nil point! The game was going well, evenly scored when I noticed Wifey's (always at the centre of controversy) ball bounce off the gully and hit the pins…the kid's gully rails were up …..cheats!!!!! At the end of the first game I scored the highest and our average was better than the girls the second game was similar the Ginger Whinger won it I scored enough to be the overall winner and Ringer…..won the ladies game but was still not in the bloke's calibre …..Wifey managed to get a two free bottles of bubbly because the gully rails came up on their own and they couldn't put them down in the first game ??!?!?!?!? hmmmm she complained ( she is a pro at this……..I don't mean as in she constantly whinges !!!!! I mean she is good when as a consumer she has been wronged!………) and the manager gave the group some bubbly…M took one and as victor and birthday club bowling champion I took the other . so after dodging chavs again the evening was ended in the wee hours and we all vowed as is tradition to meet up before next year (we never do !!!!!!)

If you are wondering why the text is bigger on this blog it is because my most avid readers Wifey's Parents ….aka The Outlaws find the small print a little difficult to read (They don't have a computer so I print them off you see ) So it will appear as if I'm shouting from now on….those that know me will know I'm softly spoken and as quiet as mouse!!! So it will be very uncharacteristic

The band has taken a break this week as Boots has had family commitments and Wifey and I have done the nativity thing with Rockstar who incidentally has done all the drumming and percussion for his play absolutely fantastically…...and I mean fantastic !!!!! Wifey and I have plank spanked along too with the Cat weazle the music teacher ….he is great…retired, long white hair ,long white goaty and eccentric…… oh and does Morris dancing …a right character !!!!! He's actually come to our house twice to rehearse with us …on his days off . Mini minx dressed as an angel and looked cute at her concert but I'm sure I saw the halo slip and little red horns pop up!!!! ...With a group of three year olds singing you can guarantee the following…..the cute…ahhhhhh factor….(minx was one ) there is always one child louder than the rest and usually out of tune and this year's concert one little boy had the lungs of Pavarotti (when he was alive you divs!!!!) compared to the others and the teachers had to virtually man handle him and gag him…then there is the disinterested who will roll over and lie on those gym benches and slide up and down on their backs and bellies .( was it me or does it always seem that you ended up sitting on the nobby bits on those benches?) Their parents try and attract the disintrested's attention so they can take a keepsake piccie but to no avail they couldn't give a S…ilent night!!! Cry babies………… they burst into tears as they feel like fish in a fish tank all these parents cooing and ahhhhing at their little darlings….Snot…….there is always one kid with a steady stream of thick green goo trickling from their nostrils to their mouth and when their parent's or teacher gesture to them that they have this slime descending from their sniffer they get rid of it…..yes with a great swipe of their tongue!!!!!and last but by no means least…..the tormentor…in that given scenario they will endeavour to stick their grubby little fingers in the cutest kid that is sat near them's ears or push their bum over to squash or knock them off….all this as parents miss the performance as they are busy trying to film it on their camcorders so they can view it over and over again …(or store it for 12 years or so for future boyfriend and girlfriends tee heee!) and of course the ever patient teacher who is smiling with gritted teeth she really didn't want to do the play this year but had to and when all the children and parents are gone hits the bottle saying " thank flock that's over with"

So we have been working out the play list for our next gig all 13 songs !!!! and come Monday wifey and I will be replacing little donkey with some kick ass rock again.

I end this mega blog today to let you ponder on this thought….I have worked out that around 30 to 40 people read this blog each post through myspace and blogger ( I post it in two places) I can account for about 15 ….so who are the rest? Who is reading about Mother dearest's escapades who is reading about Hot Machero? Who is reading about you?…………..curious .......very curious!!!!!!!!