Jockanese K..MBE and the pavement Pizzas

(Sung to the tune of Robin hood...you know riding through the glen!)

Jocky K Jocky K back in his den
Jocky K Jocky K with his band of men.
He had a big hat
cos his head is fat
Jocky K Jocky K.......Jocky K

Welcome to another excruciating episode of the Desert Classic Gu(o)lf tour 2007, the tour brought to you from a dusty and baron place......(no not my wallet).

Well leading on from players visiting hospitals in previous weeks, we have now been plagued with vairous ailments (Flu type symptoms with the urge to produce pavement pizzas by the barrel load - YUK!!) this is of course causing a temporary interruption to the tour. Fingers crossed with only 3 weeks of the tour to go, ill be ok and avoid such un-pleasantires (news flash i have the Man Flu!!!)

Well it has been a relatively quiet week this week, with only a couple of incidents to report on by way of Golf ball activity - touch wood, fingers crossed it stays that way.

I however was surprised this week by my fellow players. To give you a bit of background, we are issued what is commonly known as a floppy hat with our uniform. Now these hats have a very similar appearance to flying saucers, or fisherman's hats. Most of our groundkeeper types here have the hats altered to reduce them in size, thus reducing their somewhat embarrasing look. I my self being of Scotish origins, would not dare dream of spending my hard earned golf winnings on such alterations, rather if its issued that way, it stays that way. You can well imagine a certain amount of ribbing has therefore ensued throughout the tour in my direction from my friends and fellow players, but i stood fast and refused to alter my hat. So whilst on the mid tour break and unbeknown to me, my friends and fellow players colluded together and obtained a spare floppy, and proceeded to have it altered to a lesser embarrasing size. They also paid to have said altered hat embroidered with the name "Henno MBE", in reference to a Sgt Henno from the TV programme `ultimate force` and the character whom Ross Kemp played (although i believe i still have a bit more hair than him). So with me in the homeland my room mate was tasked with a stealthy mission, to raid my drawers and find my embarrasing unaltered floppy (he has since been severely reprimanded and told never to root in my drawers again!!!). Unfortunately for him, he did not find said floppy, and upon my return it was returned to my head where it belonged. To cut a long story short, my friends and fellow players proceeded to embarrass me in the mess in front of the whole camp, unceremoniously removing my large floppy, and presenting the new one... I would therefore like to thank my friends,,, Big T, Bernie, Tracie F, Debs , Dex, Donna and Scottie my roomie, for the new hat and new nickname.

Well we have again been graced by a visit from some famous people, mind you we are a little on the dissapointed side. Usually when we get visits they are from actors or politicians so no explanations required. This time however we were visited by a model, now you would expect that given what she is famous for, she would have at least demonstrated her skills for the troops (Its ok Mrs Jockanese - i stayed in my office the whole time and saw nothing!). In case you wondered who she was, it was Teddy Sheringham's Ex Daniella Lloyd. Mind you she did cause a few laughs, especially when she made some whistling noises as the wind blew through the gap between her ears. The girls were all giving it, ooh look she has hair extensions,, and one commented having seen her in the shower in the morning that she had an orange peel for a bottom - I can only assume by this she was either confused with her fruits and meant peach (ooh err), or the girl has cellulite and in which case it proves air brushing really does work. All the blokes could rant about was ooh what a nice pair or coconuts and a nice peach of a .......oh so typical of blokes.

We were also granted an audience with Mrs Fern Britton this week of `This Morning` fame as well as `Ready Steady Cook`, now we know she was not out here sampling the local delicases for Ainsley Harriot, nor was she out here to try the tour Diet, so somewhat of a mystery was her visit. It was suggested by a player that maybe she was out looking for Phil's Gopher!!!!.

Well the tour only has 3 weeks left to run, with only 2 more updates from the course itself, ill sign off until next weeks update, i hope you are not all out spending wads of cash on christmas presents - unless they are for me of course and you are all well.

Jockanese K MBE


The sound of bagpipes echoes around a cold blustery Scottish loch ....the camers pans around and instead of the lone piper there is a ghetto blaster sat on the side of water..............where is the lone Piper