Saturday 31 March 2007

It's the weekend!

It’s the weekend! hurrah!. I left the office at 2 pm leaving Mr T with his Jazz echoing across the office. Pissed off RoadRunner (so named because she runs..................on roads) On my way out I pointed out to her she had another three hours to do. This was met with a retort in some northern mumbo jumbo or moombo joombo as they say oop north. Jumped into my chariot and sped out of the car park whipped down the M4 to beat the rush hour (It puzzles me why it is called a rush hour.....It doesn’t last an hour and going at a snail’s pace bumper to bumper there is certainly no rushing going on)
So the weekend begins we are going away .....Hurrah!!!! SJ is coming back from the US of A. Thought it was nice of her to be missing us in one of her replies....wished she was in Bracknell making music with her band............sweet........totally mad of course! I mean Chicago is the home of such great music ....Jazz and house and all that! They even named the place after a London musical!!!!!!! Dominic is probably drumming on anything and everything along to the cd of the songs I gave him. Chippy is fighting a cold and is busy hitting Greenday???!?!??! Fighting and hitting..... all very violent....
More updates next week !

Tuesday 27 March 2007

Stiff as a Board

So here I am at my work desk working late. the only one in the office left. James Brown is keeping me company (no i'm not a budding Derek Acorah........he's on on my CD player) I'm digging some really deep grooves laid down by the likes of Bootsy Collins and James Jamerson. Only 24 hours prior I was laying down some grooves of my own with Hot Machero. The rehearsal was upon us again. SJ is still with the Moose-man in Chicago but the rest of us here in good old Blighty esembled at the Church. I opted to be SJ! minus the voice, the hair,and obvious gender and age differences....I giggled a lot though to get into role.
We were going to start with Good riddance time of your life by Green Day but Chippy forgot his music?!?!?!???!! and given that he only got it via e-mail the night before he was forgiven for not knowing it of by heart.
Sing by travis was the next song to get the Hot Machero treatment. For the first five minutes Chippy looked stiffer than a piece of his wood that he so skillfully works with. (Chippy took exception to the fact we said he made his carpentry up as he goes in the last blog ...........tart!). As he got into the session he relaxed and sing started to sound half decent The Hot Machero sound was forming. Wifey's tinkling guitar and Chippys rythmic strumming on sing sounded good.
Next up was Kula Shaker's Into the deep. This really went well and Dominic and i had fun experimenting with the overblown drum beat and Bass that comes in at the begining and after wifey's guitar solo. On the last run through Dominic and I were on fire and we were holding down a real tight bass line. I got so carried away by the sound of it that I completely forgot about our two other guitarists who were now half way through the first verse!. We started again and although there is work to do round the bridge and ending it is sounding good.
Sitting on the dock of the bay-by Otis Redding is where I was blown out of the water by the guitarists with far superior amps. After re adjusting the balance so I could be heard it sounded good.
The Church gate keeper came and turfed us out dead on the hour and we left enthused. Chippy phoned this morning sounding like Joe Cocker as he was coming down with a cold. He expressed how much fun he had, as he had never played with anyone before and if that wasn't bad enough he stated he was going off to do some samples !!???
He text me later stating "I've got a new girlfriend. Her name is Laney.....her vitals are 12inch X 120W...........and it's love" I am going to have no hope am I?

Sunday 25 March 2007

Clocks

Sunday morning we awoke bright and early. Fresh as the Spring morning the family danced down to the kitchen to have breakfast. Outside the sun was shining and the daffodils gently swaying in the breeze. I could not believe that we were all up so early and ready to have breakfast and go to Mass. After breakfast we all dressed and got into the car to arrive at St Josephs Church. I parked the car in the service area car park and noticed that there were lots of cars already there. I commented to husband, 'there are a lot of cars here' , he commented back and 'yes no body getting in or out of them.' I then said Mass is at 1030am as usual? He said' I will check.' He got of the car and walked off into the mass of cars until he slowly disappeared around the brick wall surrounding the perimeter fence of St Josephs. Leaving me listening to a rendition of Don Williams singing Gypsy woman. This was only on as a punishment as soon as he was out of the way I switched over to Green Day until I saw him a few minutes later walking back around the wall when I flicked it back to Don Williams He was shaking his head from side to side. I assumed that maybe as we did not attend church a few weeks before we had not caught up with news that mass times had changed but in fact it was worse, we had forgotten to put the clocks forward. We were an hour late. As husband climbed back into the car unaware that Don Williams was still playing the same song as when he left, he stated the obvious and that we had missed church. Rockstar piped up from the back "Whoaa oooo no church" This was followed with a threat of returning at 5pm.
We still had mother dearest to look forward to as she was coming round for dinner. She has been warned that she would be subjected to some new Machero material, so she could do her Simon Cowell bit. So after a roast dinner and the obligatory clearing up the kitchen after we open the proceedings with Sitting on the Dock of the Bay, loud proud and with punch. We turned to our appreciative audience and saw that mother dearest reserved her right to remain silent. Not even a 'no comment' shrugging our shoulders we then moved onto "into the deep" with the same result and so we tactically changed era. We went for I want to hold your hand by the Beatle which had her singing along but still with no comment. By now we were in full swing and enjoying ourself and mother dearest was standing by the door with her hat and coat and handbag tapping her foot. I thought excellent she is finally getting into the music. We continued to play and turned acoustic for a rendition of Romeo and and Juliet with husband on the mike. Mother dearest sat back down on the stool and said "I didn't know you could sing , can I go home now?" At this point Mini Machero did a version of Sweetest Thing by U2" with Rockstar singing the lead and Mini Minx singing the backing Sweetest Thing , however half way through Minx insisted that she was going to sing Eddy. This then brought on a full rendition of Eddy, which still remains a firm favourite. Three quarters of an hour had past since Mother dearest had first put her hat and coat on. Dark Marge and SJ take note Eddy Eddy Eddy Oi Oi Oi!!.
Chippy sent three text messages pleading for us to send him the playlist for practice tomorrow. We thought you made it up as you went along like your carpentry.
Then as the night was drawing to the end a haunting melody could be heard. In the back room wifey was strumming the chords to Gypsy woman. Ready again to haunt husband with more country he decided to join in with mandolin. Let me tell you F's are not the only chords husband has trouble with we have found out its A7 as well in fact, he butchered the whole song and laughed. Gypsy woman turned into a whole load of b*****cks.

Thursday 22 March 2007

Nemesis

It had been three weeks ....was my nemesis still there waiting towering over all? A double door seperated me from the fiend. I stopped I could feel my heart beating my breath heavy. Adrenalin running through my body waiting to explode........I felt like a gladiator waiting for the doors to the coloseum to open. I hesitated I caught a glimpse through a badly puttied window hastily added to the door for fear of health and safety breaches. The door was about to open........ someone was going to open the door...... my heart beat doubled and trebled....the door opened There it was standing high up as if it was shouting at me!!!!You fat bastard!!!!you unfit coward!!!!!try me if you think you're hard enough!" Ignoring it's taunts I walked up the steps to the first floor I ignored it .....The Versa Climber stood there smug...it thought it had beaten me...thought I wouldn't take up the challenge....I sat on an excercise bikeand started peddling,I watched it gloat at me.I was getting nowhere fast (probably cos I was on an excercise bike).......The Kaiser Chiefs in my head phones belted out Ruby "Is it me is it me are you laughing at me" they sang. This was it I had had enough I marched up to it mounted it and the attack started. My arms and legs pumped hard, the Kaisers were willing me on, sweat and tears were falling on to its hard black metal. It's display was telling me...."is that all you have ?" The Kaisers beat harder I push harder I close my eyes My head started banging to the beat "we are the angry Mob"......I am a tiger!....I am ........a Tiger!....My arms and legs were pumping faster and harder I was at exploding point I was beating the machine I was winning ....I WAS CONQUERING THE VERSA CL...............I felt a tap on my shoulder I opened my eyes and an annoyed gym instructor rudely interrupts my triumphant workout and says "Mate the versa climber works better if you turn it on!" "Yeah I know!" I reply trying not to sound like Andy Pipkin (little Britain).
It was high time I returned to the gym. From my competitive Martial arts days I am a firm believer in your workout needing to intimidate you. Just going through the mill wasn't enough and although the above is ladened with poetic license...I really do despise the versa with a passion and for near on 13 years I have had a love hate relationship with it.
Tired and worn out from the gym and a days work I have not practiced on my Bass tonight. I will attack it with avengance tomorrow.

Tuesday 20 March 2007

Dark Marge and snot!

Wifey has been enjoying adding bits to myspace. For some reason only known to her she is looking for a gerbil playing a guitar to post up onto the site. Why I don't know!!!!!!! At least it is a fairly healthy obsession with gerbils unlike Richard Gere's.

As soon as the band records anything or has some photos done we will post it on up there. Extending the blog to myspace has been a good move seeing the comments come rolling in has brought new meaning to my writing. Seeing old pictures of Dark Magi (my brother.........formerly known as widdy woddy) has brought about a certain nostalgia to the page. As I leaf through the mind book of memories I remember vividly the space suit that the Dark Marge is wearing. He leads everyone to believe that he was into all things space and sci fi even at that young age. The sad truth was that he had a terrible snotty nose and Mother dearest was at the end of her tether as to what to do. She regularly scraped the snot off of his clothes after a day of running down them. Rumour has it that the local church had lovely light green candles compressed from the stuff. The snotting was obviously a problem but the sneezing was why she felt she had to cover his head with the helmet. If you look carefully at the goldfish bowl on his head it is slightly green. This was not always the case and the constant soiling discoloured it. Dark Marge's problems didn't stop there and Mother dearest had to put him in a jumpsuit for the other issue.….All this psychological turmoil had to take it's toll on the brain somehow ........bless him he even referred to the band as Hot Mackerel in a rare text message I received from him the other day.

The British public!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Ashamed!!!! they should be!…the British public voted for some worthless pop song over Justin Hawkins to represent us in the Eurovision song contest this year. Malta have chosen a song called Vertigo (absolutely nothing to do with U2!!) the video of which is filmed near my old scouts HQ. I think both countries are doomed to fail miserably.

Hot Machero are meeting up on Monday minus SJ who is currently out in Chicago with a moose?!?!?!?!(maybe that is what you do in the windy city) Chippy will be in attendance hurrah! Another chance to get the music right for when SJ returns and the full compliment of Hot Machero finally meet on the 2nd of April. They are all at it! Chippy is buying himself a new amp!!!!! I will struggle to be heard. The guitar show looms....a new bass amp has my name on it...........so soon the band's bottom end will get louder(without the aid of baked beans)

Monday 19 March 2007

Mother Dearest's E-mail

There is nothing worse than rolling into work on a Monday. Except rolling into work on a Saturday and Sunday of course. Dragging myself into the office I felt the Chinese and the KFC I had eaten over the weekend washed down with Guinness sitting on my belly. The late nights hanging heavy on my eyes.............what a weekend!!!! I settled into my chair exchanged pleasantries with MR T a nice family bloke in my office who actually bothered to drag his body in early. Mr T and I revealed how our weekends had gone and I smiled to myself as I realised mine was more exciting. His was .....well......nice?!!!. He opened up his lunch box and took out a nice ham sandwich and started to feast. I opened my E-mail to reveal that our web marshal had blocked an e-mail with words of an explicit nature....Oooer I thought...who sent this I thought.......Chippy? Dark Magi? wifey? nope!..............................MOTHER DEAREST!!!!!!!!
My mother sent me an e-mail containing the word erection!! I got straight on the phone and said to her in a loud voice “Mother why did you put an erection in my E-mail??????” Mr T ‘s nice ham sandwich got nicely stuck in his throat and nearly fell over backwards from his chair. Mother dearest protested her innocence and stated it was an e-mail about funny complaints to the council. That particular line read “My neighbour’s erection is so big it is blocking out the sunlight!”
I advised Mother dearest on her e mail content and carried on being grumpy......Geldoff and the Boomtown Rats sprang to mind........I don’t like Mondays either !!!!!!!!

Sunday 18 March 2007

St Patrick's day aftermath...Mother's Day!

The Guinness and Baileys were flowing. St Patrick’s day madness prevailed. They jigged up and down span around Riverdanced all over the kitchen, front room ,garden and in the street!?!?!? Then it was there bedtime and Rockstar and mini minx’s had to go for a shower.... so wifey and I had to calm down too. Rockstar drank some more Guinness froth which set him off to sleep just right . Mini Minx settled for warm milk. But the party carried on. Wifey plugged into her huge amp......(then decided to plug her guitar in instead) to keep up with her I cranked up my Bass and we launched into renditions of Hot Machero songs....Kula Shaker’s Into the deep, Travis’-Sing. Green Day’s -Time of your life, the Otis Redding classic- Sitting on the top of the bay. The Guinness flowed abit more ....the Baileys gushed!!!!!
At midnight we decided to watch some telly we woke up....telly playing to itself at about 3 am...and crawled into bed. Our long-suffering neighbours were away for the weekend .................so we blasted next door but one instead!!!!!!!!!!!
At about 4 am Wifey decided that she wanted a drink so I wandered down in a Guinness induced slumber into the kitchen and woke up having laid out plates bread marge and a knife ready for the toast..........such is my brain programmed. I returned to bed complete with class of water and without a valid excuse for taking so long !!!!!
Today is mother’s day ....Rockstar and Minx bowled into our room at 6 am shouting happy mother’s day...................................how sweet?!!!?!?! Rockstar bought wifey a Greenday Song book and bath salty things. Minx brought a 20-foot guitar cable with cut off button at the jack. I thought they did very well buying those presents....for a 5 and a 2-year-old. Breakfast was swift and then we all plugged in for some more plank spankin fun........It’s great not having neighbours to be mindful of I then opened the curtains and to my horror.......the oldest boy next door who is near 19 years old was there....he didn’t go away with the rest of the family................he was home alone. He looked tired....I don’t know why.
Mother’s day is all about Mums and we will be seeing ours today. For all you mum’s reading this blog ...Have a good one! for all the kids reading this blog.......Tescos is still open on Sunday if you have forgotten to buy cards and presents!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday 17 March 2007

Modern technology making life easier?

Again husband has no inspiration so I get let loose on the blog...
I thought I would write today about how technology has made my life easier as a working modern mum (not). I looked in the cupboards and thought on no my responsibilities as a mother are failing and my children are go to have to eat dog biscuits unless I get some shopping in. After arriving home from work at 0230 in the morning, getting back up the following day at 630am with the children and just about making the school run in one piece, I did not have enough time to meander to the local supermarket and get to work in time for a midday start. I tasked husband with going on line to Tesco's. "It won't take long and order for tommorrow" were my final words and "when I arrive home at 10.30 pm I will check the list and place the order". It sounds too easy.. I arrived home and through out the evening husband had managed to put a list together which contained nearly everything we needed to keep the budding Rockstar and Mini Minx in the style they are accustomed. Although the keyboard contained dribble from the amount of time he had fallen asleep on the computer..
I ordered the shopping and went to bed thinking I have survived the challenge another week, fed my kids got them to school and managed to work 60 hours....
Another day of getting the kids to school and rushing off to work, I recieved a call from husband as the shopping has not arrived. He called Tesco's at their HQ and they said "don't worry we have a lorry broken down but its on it way an hour late." I arrive home from work at 1130 pm and still no shopping.. A phone call to Tesco HQ reveals they are shut. I then called the store to be told we cancelled the shopping at 730 pm...
I revealed my disgust to the person on the end of the phone who kindly then offers to redeliver the shopping..
At 0910 the following day I just make it back from the school run and the shopping arrives..By this time I think the shopping has been probably done a round trip of about 150 miles although the shop is about 4 miles away..
Great I think as I finally put away the food on the empty cupboard shelves Technology does make it easier lifting out a bottle of split bleach which promptly runs out over all my clothes destroying my red hot chilli peppers top....
Technology Makes my life easier
But the new amp is great and it will blow the "Bassman away"

Friday 16 March 2007

A sleepy update

Dodged the swash buckling blades of long John Rockstar and his arch enemy Mini Minx .Had my emotions tugged at... pulled to all an all time low......then rocketed to great heights by the emotional roller coaster that is comic relief on the telly. I still managed to create a Myspace for the Band. Wifey had done one earlier spending three hours of her valuable time creating ........I kind of .....a.... deleted it.
This had terrible repercussions and I am taking my place with the Doodles in the kitchen as soon as I finish this blog.
But complete it I did and we now have a platform to put our ,photos ,recordings and videos on.....we will also post the blog to
http://www.myspace.com/hotmachero
This means it will be easier to send abuse back to us. Today Hot Machero were invited by the PTA to play a few numbers at a St Georges day do at the school. Due to very technical reasons namely ...we aren’t good enough yet we have turned the gig down. What has concerned me is that another Agent is emerging from the ranks of the PTA. Agent C pounced on Wifey this morning after the school run. It’s ok wifey survived she used the I will discuss it with husband get out clause. (I use this tactic all the time so as not to commit myself to a decision............)
Normal service will resume over the weekend when I have caught up on some sleep as at the moment I’m dropping off again .

Thursday 15 March 2007

Inherited madness

Determined not to wake up late this morning I woke up on the hour every hour I eventually beat the alarm clock......(not literally smacking it about!) I woke up five minutes before it was due to go off and dragged my body into the real world. My 5 year old mini rockstar was on fine form last night. Whilst trying to arrange delivery of wifey's new amp He dissappeared upstairs with his accomplace mini minx. Mini minx sensing that i knew they had been up to mischief coughed Rock star's henoius crime "he's stuffed a feather down the plug hole Daddy?" My immediate pesemistic reaction was "was there a bird attached to it at the time?" That kind of humour is lost on a two year old and i quickly made attempts to rescue said feather before we had a blockage but it had gone......Rockstar made himself scarce.
Mother dearest on hearing the story of the feather and the incident where our mini Rockstar had his sister by the ankles and decided that he would wheel barrow her up the stairs likened him to my brother the the unhinged one Dark Magi himself,. In his childhood (which i hasten to add is in it's 42nd year!!!) DM did all sorts of weird and wonderful things that modern science would not be able to fathom. One such incident was when as an early teen he decided that he would do a cremation ceremony of a plastic soldier. Ceremoniously wrapping him in tissue dousing him in white spirit attaching him to a piece of string setting him a light and throwing him out the window.!?!?!? Of course the string burned through, the soldier now a blazing inferno fell to the sloped conservatory roof and rolled down placing himself in the gutter which was plastic and starting to melt. The rest of the family were quite happy downstairs oblivious to the hapless teenager running through the house like John Cleese on speed and then hooking a great ball of fire out of a gutter. So it is no wonder that Rock star has a vein of eccentricity about him.
Whilst picking up Rockstar from School today Agent A the Parent/ Teachers Association’s secret weapon engaged me in conversation. I found out that D-day is 30th of June. That is when Hot Machero go public at the school fete. Agent A started to get excited about the band....“We can erect a stage in the middle of the field ....we can .....and........” I explained that we will drive Eddy onto the field in a nice corner pitch up the awning put the sides up chuck out the instruments amps etc etc and play a few tunes every so often.....I then made the mistake.........I threw away a comment as you would a cheap advert from your Sunday newspaper. I said jokingly.....”so if you have any requests?” Agent A went into overdrive...”I could put a newsletter round for requests and you could play them at the fete.....I know!......we could give them 5 songs and people can bid for which song they like and want you to play“
I started changing colour.
Nervously I asked ......”What songs do you have in ......a.....mind?” Agent A went into a rendition of Queen singing the line “and they call me Mr Fahrenheit ...and I’ll make a supersonic woman of you” My mind went to SJ. Imagining SJ strutting her stuff like Freddie Mercury. Before i could dismiss the idea she was off again......”How about I feel like dancin dancin” Agent A went into the most Camp dance ever....yes she wants us to do Scissor Sisters.......................NO! HOLD FIRE!!!!!!!! MAKE SAFE!!!!! This conversation was going rapidly downhill. I explained that the bidding thing was a little advanced for this year and unless I put a clamp on my lower regions I could not sound like the male voice in the Scissor Sisters.............I did manage to pacify her as I said we may sing Chelsea Dagger by the Fratellis. Made up by this, she disappeared with her PTA comrades leaving me in a slumped heap in the playground sweating like a goodun.

Oh by the way....listened to Radio 2 again today.....Justin Hawkins was on there though so cut me some slack !

Wednesday 14 March 2007

A close call with Wogan

Yes Yes Yes! Wifey shouted from the other room making me drop a pile of plates I was skill fully trying to stack in the dishwasher.....had she discovered that there was an hour long Eastenders just about to start?......had her beloved Arsenal won something?.....no that was too far fetched. I nervously went into the backroom to find Wifey arms a loft sitting at the computer. Her eyes darted in my direction and her smile turned to an evil grin. “You are so going to be blown out of the water......!!!!! Bass man!!!! I have just won an amp on ebay six times as powerful as yours ....ha ha!!” She cackled off pleased that she will have enough power to drown out Concorde.
Dominic da Drummer exists!!!!! he turned up for rehearsals with SJ. Drummers are truly like busses...No! not loud red and smoke too much....but there we were struggling for a drummer and upon our arrival at the church we found the door locked. We could distinctly hear the sound of drums coming from the loft area of the church. After a while a little old lady white hair and everything answered the door and I enquired if our drummer had already arrived “oh no dear “ she answered “that was me ...I ‘ve always wanted to have a go and when the drums were donated to the church I thought ...why not?” The novelty of having a granny on drums soon wore off when It dawned on me that she would bump the band’s average age up to 100 years old. Anyway Dominic is the real deal he can drum, which is rather handy if you are a drummer.

At 1845 hours on Monday the 12th of March 2007 was when Hot Machero officially became a band.(minus Chippy of course, he was playing with his wood somewhere?!?!?!?!???) The little glass sided loft space at the front of the church was where Wifey, SJ , Dom Da Drummer and I played our first notes . Best friend M was there as the official Hot Machero groupy. as we belted out Green Day’s Good Riddance time of your life, the Mini Macheros were sat on a step strumming away on their “Coostic” guitars. A lump came to my throat......don’t you just hate swallowing polos whole!!!!!The rehearsals went well and all of us can’t wait for the next one!!!!

It finally happened I am officially old........ I have to admit it. ............I couldn’t help it ...I was overcome by temptation..............I had been working in a different office and the radio station they had on was playing some real classics. Cheerfully I enquired as to which station they were listening to...“Radio 2” was the reply. Quickly dismissing the momentary slip into middle age as a fluke, I continued with my work. On my way home the adverts on virgin were driving me nuts!!!!!!!! I looked down at my radio I could feel the sweat role down my neck. Do I admit defeat, do I succumb to the fact that I was turning ancient. What if Tony Blackburn comes on.....or worse....Wogan.....the wretch.. I reached down hands trembling.........I pushed the button with an outstretched finger like ET on his way home.....up came the station ...Radio 2........Radio 2.......Radio..........2 It played on my brain...the music kicked in. Billy Ray Cirrus.....agh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hurriedly changed it back to Virgin. thank God I thought as I heard the advert for Sheila’s wheels for the 500th time....that was a close call.

I have to admit to you good people in blog land that today I am struggling to stay awake I have head butted the screen and dribbled on the keyboard several times. I was out of the house at stupid o’clock this morning having not heard the alarm I woke up Wifey to the chorus of Bollocks !!!!bollocks!!!!! bollocks!!!! as I realised I was running late. This of course went down as well as a lead balloon.

My bed is calling................it’d better keep it’s voice down I will not be amused if it wakes the kids.

Sunday 11 March 2007

Textures

After yesterday’s series of unfortunate events with the dog being ill and .mini minx having a squitty bum. I felt that Sunday; the traditional day of rest would be a peaceful one. Wifey was up and ready for work giving mini minx a nice cuddle. I took over with cuddling duties just in time to be bathed in sick......what is it with me and puke this weekend!!!!!!!!!! I will be spending the rest of the day nursing my little angel back to fitness. It’s funny isn’t it anybody else deposits the contents of their stomach down you ...and they get chinned .Your nearest and dearest especially your children and it isn’t a problem. Then of course there is the obligatory blow by blow account of turd and sick textures on the phone to Wifey and Mother Dearest as they enquire regarding the younglings of the family.

I actually managed to wake up Chippy this morning phoning him on his mobi..... he complained he had a hard night last night. After checking there was no one there next to him (long shot I know........ but hey after a couple of pints even Chippy may become attractive to some women...!!!) He received Wifey’s E-mails with his chords he needs to play and is raring to step on to the ladder which can only lead to superstardom. He too got the run down regarding textures which when you are hung over and just about to go and watch your footie team be humiliated by the Premiership champions in the cup is not a good thing. I could just imagine him lying on the bed provocatively displaying orange Y fronts with white trim, unshaven ,hair all over the place, mouth like the bottom of a budgies cage, head pounding like Dom’s drum.......(which ain’t that loud cos he hasn’t got one ) listening to how pleased I was that mini minx has managed to do a hard poo! and how yesterday’s offerings looked like that sand coloured coconut type curry you get from the local tandoori. But back to the music..................

The band will hopefully line up as follows

SJ
Vocals, tambourine, wiggling and incidental dancing, copious amounts of alcohol and giggling and talking to imaginary friends.

Wifey
Lead and acoustic guitars, saxophone, clarinet, piano accordion keyboards backing
vocals ,mandolin ,mandolin banjo and anything else she decides to play.

Me
Bass ,general ranting and raving, organiser, general lynchpin and all round regular super hero. occasional mandolin

Chippy Minter
Rhythm and acoustic guitars odd bit of “ooooh that ‘ll cost you “ comments
Cheesy chat up lines and generally acting like a wally in front of women

Dom da Drummer
Drums (if he had his own but can borrow the church’s ones ) being an imaginary friend to SJ (we still haven’t seen him you know!)

Now in the tradition of S-Club 7 who had S-Club Juniors...Hot Machero have the Mini Machero.......this is of course where any similarity ends between us and S-club....we haven’t got a grumpy ,foul mouthed , lead singer..( ahem only sometimes anyway!!!)...we play our own instruments.............badly............ I know but at least we do........they have probably made millions of pounds doing shows all over the country ....we haven’t actually got all together in one place as a band ...or rehearsed or even met the drummer yet......so when you weigh it all up....... we appear to be the better band.

This morning I have been treated to a concert in our back room as I type this blog to the nation. (over 200 hits now!!!!) The stage has been erected uncannily looking like dining room chairs. Rockstar is stage right on keyboard pounding away like a crazed woodpecker .Mini minx ....now spurting a new lease of life after some expert nursing by her Dad is stage left with her strat and amp both belting out with all their heart and soul the well known Mini Machero hit “I am going to kill you dead!” I explained to Rockstar that maybe killing and songs don’t mix. Though I supose Westlife have made a career of killing songs!!!! they came on for an encore ...it was the same tune except now it was called “I Love you, I love you”......I stand and wonder whether the picture I ‘m taking of them will appear in a biography in thirty or forty years time entitled our first performance.

Mini Minx appears to be totally on the mend now.....it can only be the power of music!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday 10 March 2007

The smell of patriotism

I feel the need to clarify a statement in our last blog ......Mother dearest has complained about the man flu thing.......she wants the world to know she isn’t actually a man. Chippy complained too...he stated and I quote “I am definitely not gay I have acted like too much of a Wally in front of women to be gay” I mean what has that got to do with the price of fried rats testicles? If you wish to put yourself through the torture of going back through Hot Machero’s endless dribble (aka our blog )not once have we questioned his sexuality. His reliability, state of mind chat up lines ,yes.......... we’ve butchered poor old chippy like a strip of back bacon but hey!........... we don’t care ...chips ....what ever floats your boat .......it’s 2007!
The day is not even a few hours old and I have already had the honour of clearing up the entire contents of our dogs regurgitated dinner from the night before that had been deposited on the kitchen floor. The dog looked on asking that age-old question? “Why does it always have carrots in it?” there must be inspiration for a song in there somewhere....”My little poochy puke” maybe . Talking of Alvin Stardust (for those of you that haven’t spotted the link the poochy puke bit was a play on words from a stardust song.........the link wasn’t dog’s dinner!” I once saw the great 70s pop icon in a supermarket I was working at and no he wasn’t in a black cat suit his hair was an advert for Greasian 2000 and he didn’t point at anyone and scowl . In fact I believe he bought a prawn and mayo sandwich........
Whilst Wifey and our little rockstar were on the way out this morning following my remonstrating at the fact I hadn’t had a kiss she screwed her face up and said I smelt of dog puke and I needed to get in the shower and promptly shut the door ........nice! Now there are two things that make a Maltese cross...ahem! ..........Making a suggestion that we are chocolate covered with honeycomb centres and the other is saying we smell.....several comedians over the years have had a pop at us for poor bodily hygiene....unfairly I hasten to add !!!!! The late comedian Dave Allen suggested that Malta was a place of “Smells, bells and busty gals”...knob! Paul Hogan of Crocodile Dundee fame upset the Maltese community in Oz by describing something as “As smelly as a Maltese”.............knob! coupled with Terry Wogan taking the mick out of our Eurovision entrant....no wonder we have a siege mentality!!! I mean look what Malta has given the world..........well there’s.......a........a cross!... a Falcon......a terrier....and remember that during the second world war the British empire awarded the island with the George Cross because without Malta the war would of had a very different outcome....! anyway back to me smelling.........I had a shower....I smell nice now.........

Thursday 8 March 2007

Holy Holy Holy

Protesting we'd got it all wrong, Chippy said he was smooth and not Cheesy. I responded with "Ok then More like Philadelphia." Chippy came up with the work required on the fencing but the Concrete under the posts ended up costing us a small fortune as try as they might they could not budge it. This resulted in paying for two days work. This will help pay for Chippy's guitar strings cos with that money we should hear sounds like Carlos Santana. ( may be they'll be made of gold)

Rehearsal's start Monday, to ensure that the language does not turn blue we strumming in our parish church. I have managed to convince wifey that we now don't need to include in our repertoire "He's got the whole world in his hands" and certainly not Micheal Row the Boat ashore but she insists on playing "Give me Oil in my Lamp" eh em. Our prayers have been answered and the Church are going to let us play their resident house drums. Dominic da' drummer is back but not sure how the drums are gonna hold out for rock...

After a lengthy conversation with James and a realisation that big sound is gonna cost big money Hot Machero took a reality check. Hot Machero are now opting for a more acoustic sound and less volume. Lily the Sound Tech and piano accordion player to Diddly Skwat, the Irish Folk band, gave some advice. Once translated from his broad Brummie accent, he directed us to more some expensive kit, but far more sensible for our needs. He even offered his support probably because he felt that we are going to need it.

The Machero house hold has been plagued with illness this week. Even Mother dearest has been suffering with what can only be described as a kind of Man Flu.(This is the deadliest kind of flu that woman do not know anything about a real killer). Wifey could not even make the marching band practice(yep Marching Band).

Wifey's time off sick has inspired her to start writing a song themed about life passing on by. This has raised a heated debate on her lyric writing skills. Trying to rhyme the word 'soon' she came up with baboon, spoon, loon (probably based on me). Wifey has a distinct dislike to country but always writes songs out of Dolly Parton's back catalogue. They are not quite as up front though. Some fine tweaking of this tune and I am sure we are looking at a Brit Award. This is in fact song number two for the Machero's. The first was based about Eddy the VW Camper (if you have not read any of the previous blogs) but SJ refuses to sing it...I sure she will grow to love it when everybody screams at the stage "play Eddy, play Eddy"...especially the VW dub Vans all over the World.

Tuesday 6 March 2007

Chippy the Cheesy Chappy

I crept down stairs wifey had just phoned in sick with a sore throat , rigamortis and dutch elm disease (Seriously she is poorly and TLC is the order of the day) The front room curtains came swishing back opening the first act of another day in the life of the Hot Machero. As I was in awe at the splendour of the might of the rain and wind that hammered our neighbourhood all night , as I outstretched my arms and breathed in feeling the morning air make me come alive I felt I wanted to sing out loud. I wondered what it would be like to be a bird on the tree outside .....................the postman wondered why I stood in the window in just my cacks.......
I could see Eddy outside ,Wifey and I picked up the mini rock star from school in Eddy Paul yesterday and we just made it back before the heavens opened .....seeing that it was about to happen Wifey and I managed to get him under his cover quicker than a Wimbledon tennis court. I now looked at the cover and it was still on Eddy this was a relief as last night it danced about all over him but our tour bus was safe and sound under his cosy cover. I knew Wifey was poorly last night as her throat got worse....”Have you taken any vit c?” I enquired “you know, any fruit?” I added as the puzzled look came back at me like a Pete Sampras forearm. “Nah ! “came the answer came back muffled by the sound of a mouthful of crumbs” half a packet of chocolate digestives should do the trick”
Both my girls are sick....Wifey as mentioned and the mini minx ....I wouldn’t need to go to the gym as I ‘d scaled the stairs to her room for the umpteenth time following the wail of “Daddy!!!!!!Mummy!!!!!“ In desperation to get her to sleep I told her a story....sensing that that the tales of Jack the Ripper wasn’t quite doing it for a grumpy overtired poorly 2 year old I decided to make up on the spot my own story. Very soon mini minx was lying quiet listening intently to the trials and tribulations of a magic flying train called steamy.......Soon she was dreaming of white fluffy clouds and steaming trains.....kind of ...flying through ...them?...................as I walked downstairs I realised that with stories like that my kids don’t stand a chance leading a “normal life” This morning however mini minx was full of the joys be it a few snuffles and bounded off to nursery. All you parents you will appreciate that Calpol is indeed a wonderful thing!
At Nursery I had to restrain myself as the nursery problem child spat at my little girl...a complete unprovoked attack. Problem child’s Mum apologetically said “ I don’t know where he gets it from” I felt like saying “His F***ing mouth you imbecile!!!!” It wasn’t pleasant and I felt for the poor little mite.
Chippy Minter came round today he fixed the guttering he was still smarting from having been stopped by the old bill in Nam.....(Cippenham) for holding his mobile phone whilst driving........with his hands free set on?!!!?! these things happen only to Chippy. He was too busy to plank spank but he was briefed as to what to practice and assured he would attend the next rehearsals. On a side note poor Chippy is at this time unlucky with the ladies. He even tried suggesting to one of his customers that she had only rang him up to apologise for a mix up and suggested she had the unfaltering desire to take him out for dinner...........line went dead...!!!! I swear it is true....Chippy has more cheese than Dairy lea.

Monday 5 March 2007

The Sweetest Thing-chinese take-away that is...

Well its been an eventful weekend...

Firstly there was Best friend M coming round...

Best Friend M is always happy to be our audience I see the enthusiasm in her face when we pick up our guitars and start singing to her. She appears in wonder at our playing but, in reality I think she is disappearing into a dream world where 'this is not really happening again'..

Well the healthy eating plan turn into 'happy go f****** lucky eat what you want plan' again also.. Wifey wanted to remain healthy but after two and a half hours of moaning and groaning about how much it would be nice to eat a take away preferably Chinese and with both vision and senses blurred by two glasses of red wine she gave in to a Chinese.. Best friend M who was totally mesmerised with the performance was about to make excuses and go but the Chinese food encouraged her to bear the pain and stay for food.

Saturday was an eventful trip to the library. With both mini macheros determined that they will attempt to borrow the entire contents of the library in one go we left after about half an hour with about 15 story books. They haven't quite grasped that it is a quiet place....Oxford Circus in rush hour was quieter than when our little darlings had finished in there.Wifey managed how ever to get some music and returned home to a rendition of Romeo and Juliet and U2 The Sweetest thing.

The mini Macheros are coming on though. Child Rocker managed to learn the words to the first verse of "The Sweetest Thing" by drawing a sound map which showed a person being thrown by a rubber ball depicting "my love she throws me like a rubber ball" followed by another picture of a heart in a tumble dryer showing the last line "what she wants is a dry kind of love". Quite ingenious for a five a half year old. The Mini Macheress decided that she was going to be a backing singer and got hold of the other mic and sang whenever she felt like it "the sweetest thing". then promptly decided to inspect the inside workings of the mic...our new mic that is!!!!!!The Von Trapps in the making..

Well mother dearest reminded us that at ten o clock to eleven o clock there would be a total eclipse of the moon so we eagerly awaited this ready to look out an then promptly forgot about it.. I think the moon thing has effected her ...I caught her karate chopping a 7 up can in the kitchen Shouting "die die die !!!!!!"

Chippy Minter rang and agreed that he wanted to be in the band..playing guitar. Chippy(funnily enough a carpenter by trade) has a track record of being an air head and double booking or over staying at previous jobs so the chances of actually getting him to a rehearsal let alone a gig remains to be seen. I'm sure Lennon and McCartney did not have the same trouble with George!!!! although I'm sure George couldn't knock up a cabinet as quick as Minty....take knock up as you please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But we still have not got a drummer with drums
What is this thing about drummers..everyone knows someone who is a drummer..
Every drummer who knows one of these people does not have any drums..
You can't be a photographer without a camera, you need the tools to do the job... is this just a massive conspiracy between those that drum ....a secret code..

Sunday was Kaiser Chief day....
That was after the everyone has got the arse in Tesco's day..How Wifey managed not to administer severe pain to this halfwit woman who took exceptional objection to being everso slightly nudged by our mini rockstar I do not know. then there was the shaking head of a meldrew look-a-like who couldn't possibly wait a few seconds to get to his crunchy nut cornflakes .....a crunchy nut type obviously.
Anyway, what can I say a brilliant concert...well worth the pain of seeking out the tickets..


Today was get Eddy Back on the Road Day
Eddy is a 1973 Vw Camper van who we recently discovered was made on St Pauls Day 10th Feb 1973 so now is called Eddy-Paul. Every band needs a tour bus and the Hot Machero do it in a dub.....travel that is....although??????

Eddy needed a new battery and some minor cosmetic adjustments which took about 3 hours. Then it was down the post office to begrudingly part with too much cash for a 12 months road tax . He is ready for a year on the road...

Sunday 4 March 2007

A quickie

We are just about to go see the Kaiser Chiefs at Shepherds Bush Empire. Mother dearest is baby sitting the kids and has been given strict instructions not to play with our instruments play with matches or both as she has threatened to burn the lot if we didn't shut that awful row up ..................that is so not rock "N" Roll.

Friday 2 March 2007

Writer's Block,mushrooms and cells

Today I have writer’s block..............I’m told it can be quite painful but laxatives should clear it.

You see this blog was originally set up as a serious commentary of the up hill struggle of two parents in their mid thirties starting a band. The ups and downs of a rock band . The social experiment regarding the acceptance that two grown up professionals, parents, can make it as musicians . A blow by blow account of a couple’s struggle with everyday life juggling rehearsals with work and household chores.................................how it has evolved into the mad ranting of a lunatic I don‘t know. So today I am going to give you some real band news no nonsiacal stories.
We haven’t met up for rehearsals since last week. SJ has reliably informed me that she has got “Vertigo” I told her there is medication for that too. She is singing in the morning afternoon and evening learning her words but ironically is struggling with “sing “ by Travis. life must be like a musical for SJ. It was always a source of amusement for my bro and I imagining that life was a musical and all of a sudden your boss breaking into song and a cast of a thousand dancers appearing as the chorus line. The police skipping down the road leaping and dancing as they go about their business ,builders hammering in unison to overblown melodies. Smiley faces of supermarket staff spinning around as they fill their shelves. I am reliably informed SJ is living in this world. I told her she was far better off getting her mushrooms from Tesco but she had to go natural !???!!!!

The PTA have worked their magic again and there is rumours that Hot Machero are going to be able to use the school hall for rehearsing. Schools and teachers still make me nervous. I was having one of those mornings that you all know I have a few months ago. I had dropped the child rocker off to his class and I was running down the corridor to get to work on time.....I was moments from freedom when I spotted the deputy head in front of me......now I’m 6ft 1 and heavier than a big bag of heavy things which is soaking wet . But this 5ft nothing small framed teacher was there towering over me. “No running in the corridor !!“ she said firmly with her skinny arm, which was tucked inside a spotted shirt with little bits of frilly bits at the wrists (rather like Olive oil) out stretched in front of her. Her bony palm facing me like a bastion wall, I wasn’t going headlong with it. For that instant I was 5 again I rocked onto my heels screaming to a halt arms firmly by my side chin tucked into my chest “ sorry miss” I squeaked and hurriedly left the school building...like an Olympic walker ...you know looking like I was chewing gum with my rear end........ok that was gross but I had to paint a picture didn’t I?
So I don’t know if I’m going to be able to crank it up at school I ‘d expect a teacher to pop out at any given moment and say “ You....!boy!!!!!! do you make that row at home?” to which you are onto a loser coz if you say “no” you get the “well don’t do it here” and If I say “well yeah I do actually....the neighbours can vouch for that” you get the same reply . You can imagine it can’t you. Write 1,000 times “I will not plank spank loudly in the school hall”

We haven’t seen Dominic the drummer yet. This is Dom the drummer with da digital drum set ..............I’m not too sure he isn’t SJ’s imaginary friend.....I mean that will be embarrassing won’t it when “Dominic” goes into the great Drum solo.......SJ will be there watching in admiration and we’ll be like the rest of the crowd smiling and nodding at her humouring her until the men in white turn up. I mean them mushrooms cause all sorts of problems don’t they!
As I mentioned previously in this blog I have indeed have an older brother.....he does read these from time to time but I know he struggles with long words like .........and, is ,she ,he etc....but maybe he may reply to a blog one day . It was his birthday yesterday so a shout goes out to him.......Hope you had a great day and they let you out of the padded cell at least for five minutes...

Thursday 1 March 2007

A song for Europe

I know I know I know.......... The Eurovision song contest is as cool as leak in Sir Cliff Richard’s colostomy bag, but you see being half-Maltese it’s in our culture.....it’s a chance to be on a level par with the rest of Europe even if that par is a considerable low one.
I hear you ask yourselves (I’m imagining this of course ..as apart from mother dearest you are all a bit tight fisted when it comes to adding comments to our blog) what has triggered him to rant about The Eurovision contest now in March when we all know of course it doesn’t take place until May. I read in a newspaper today (the sun so it must be true) that Justin Hawkins ex Darkness has written and is performing a duo with Beverley Brown (whoever she is ) and is competing to be UK’s entry . The UK have not had a great record recently I mean there was Gemini who couldn’t sing a few years back and what was last year all about with the rapper and the women dressed as school girls......Sweden gave us good points they like that kind of thing but everyone else gave a resounding Nil poit!
Personally I can’t wait to see the Lycra clad nutter back out on the stage.....after his re hab has proved so successful.....gave up drugs and fags but taken up Eurovision...Justin I think you need another few weeks in there!!!!!!!
But whoever UK send I’ll be there come May with wifey (forced to sit there mind) in front of the Telly as we endure the massacre of the English language by cheesy foreign compares. Cheering on Malta (and the UK) Ignoring Terry Wogan’s comments about the Maltese singer being as fat as the island she comes from (Wogan there was a price on your head for that one) Sitting on the edge of the seat as the Maltese song is cranked up feeling the lump to the throat as national pride takes a hold (either that or a pringle has gone down the wrong way) Reminding everyone about 1993 when Willie Mangion took Malta to 6th place with “this time” and the scandalous tactical voting by the UK in 1992 forcing poor Mary Spiteri into third with “Little Child” Reminiscing about Malta being at a standstill watching hoping...maybe this year. We’ll be phoning the tele vote as many times as possible in that 20 minute window when we endure last year’s winner showing us that they still can’t sing . Although this year it will be Lordi! The obligatory argument with wifey about who she is voting for.....The swearing at the telly as Cyprus and Greece give each other mutual respect and top points. Even though both songs invariably wouldn’t make it as a Westlife b side. Then the disappointment of neither UK or Malta winning and vowing not to watch that politically driven pile of poo next year as it is crap!!!
But this year Justin we’ll be “watching yoooooouuuuuuuuu” do it for UK!