Friday 25 April 2008

Early Beard?!?!?

A sharp nudge in the ribs was enough to awake me from a good night's rest. It was dark o'clock in the morning (which is a bit later than stupid o'clock) I staggered to the bathroom some what adding weight to Darwin’s theory of evolution. After the usual bowel movements I set about trimming my now cultivated shaped goatee. I have been bringing it to a point on purpose for weeks; by the gigs it should be quite wispy and wizard like. I noticed that the right side wasn't quite symmetrical with the left side and set about adjusting it ......the left was a bit wonky then the right then the left ....the angles weren't right ....the blade was rather blunt ...had better buy some today I thought as I slipped and cut a square into my beard!!!!!! Oh no !!!!! Here I was early morning blunt razor with a square in my wispy beard........pants and pooh!!! The trimming wasn't going well it looked like a piece of a woman's anatomy there sticking off my chin....!!!There was nothing for it I'd have to have it off.....!!!!!!!!
(My beard that is) so I struggled in my semi awake stupor with a blunt blade carefully taking my beard off weeping with both the discomfort and the sight of my beard in the sink. I left my moustache on and realised that I looked like one of the village people and decided that as we weren't doing YMCA or In the Navy that it had to go .......Now all you blokes (and women)out there that have shaved their tash's off it can be quite uncomfortable with a blunt razor, it kind of smarts somewhat. So now my eyes are so watery I felt like a prize plum with a face like one too.
At about sensible o'clock ( this is the time wifey and the kids arise ) I told wifey of my plight on the phone ...expecting a nice sympathetic voice on the other end of the line I set about imparting all the details that you have just had to endure.!
Instead I got a stony silence and a ..."Oh great! I like....liked your beard " an abrupt end to a conversation.......oh bother as Pooh would say. ......(for a bear he isn't very hairy is he?....a bit jaundice to )
To add insult to injury Wifey actually told me that Mother dearest upon hearing of my unfortunate accident laughed herself silly so much so her ribs were hurting ???!?!?!?!
So what's with the band? Well you have had your update about me. Woodster has a cold , Wifey is busy scribing out some new tunes, The holy one has just bought a new amp and is in his element he came in smiling like he had just won the lotto carrying his new Marshall amp. Bara banshik is well Bara banshik, drummers are a funny breed really I mean during Chasing cars this week we found ourselves minus incidental cymbal crashes as our drummer was of in a little dream world on the other side of the hall. We lead him back to his drums and he was soon back into the swing of things.
We have indeed booked the Dolphin Public House for our inawg...inorg.... anaugrol.....first gig as The Stone Jesters and we will be unveiling Woodster and the Holy one ....( they won't actually be wearing veils mind ...)This takes place on the afternoon of the 1st of June. All are welcome ....I'll be 27 two days later too!
Hopefully by the next blog my beard will be back!!!!!!!

Tuesday 22 April 2008

That guy from the Chip Shop

Mother dearest is really going to get it !!!!!! Wifey and I have never been so embarrassed. We were in Tesco.....(in fact the settings for loads of my blogs are in Tesco’s) I had separated from my family leaving them in the cereal aisle whilst I went off to find cashew nuts and all I could hear over the hum drum of people shopping and checkouts beep beeping was Rock star shouting "Who is the King?" and Mini Minx replying "Elvis".............shame !!!!!! Wifey started saying to the Mini minx whilst looking around seeking the approval of passers by who were scowling at someone so young being so misguided " Oh that Nanna she 's a wag isn't she ha ha....you don't even know what Elvis sings do you ? no of course not" It was at this point that Mini Minx' eyebrows frowned nose screwed up and then started singing word perfect the words to “I wanna be your teddy bear”!!!!!!!!!!

So ok mother dearest this is you getting me back for all my misdemeanours over the last few years isn't it?


Ok.........I'm sorry for laughing at you when you fell over at the bus terminus in front of thousands of people at city gate in Valletta and rolled on to your back like a beached turtle.....

and I'm sorry for when I was about five when I laughed out loud at the midget on the bus right in his face....

and for saying you had flarey nostrils (actually Rock star does a good impression of them now!!) I'm sorry for that too.

Sorry for cheating at scrabble all those times (although I reckon your dictionary was floored)

I'm sorry for the lot of it, all...... everything ........just stop indoctrinating my children!!!!!!!!!
It's an embarrassment.

Anyway everyone knows Elvis is some guy who works down the chippy ......

Friday 18 April 2008

The Jesters' New Voice

Ok it’s been a while....been ultra busy ....Jesters court has had phase one of the refurb complete so , Wifey has struck a rich vein of song writing ...not all appropriate for The Stone Jesters I hasten to add.......some will be used for Diddly Peeps (our family band.....Rockstar on drums etc...myspace link to follow) A lot of this stuff is on Banjo, acoustic guitar and I use the Mandolin tis very folky type of music ...you know........ yeeee harrr slap thigh and prance around like a cat on a hot tin roof with swollen gonads. Other stuff is a bit more twinkly twinkly around the camp fire with a bottle of Bulmers pear...........well summer is approaching and Eddy ( our 1973 veedub) will be tearing up those A roads heading for destinations unknown ( ok ok it will be more of a trundle)

Also finally we have found the singer for us to take us through to the next chapter in this saga that has more twists and turns than Cristiano Ronaldo. We are returning to a female singer ,I found her on the internet ...no not on E-bay........could you imagine it?

Female vocalist ..nearly new complete with mic and lead bids start at £3.00
Or buy now for £9.99

No no no I found her on a website where you finds singers and other musicians. We haven’t sussed out a blog name yet although she was on the website as Woody which bears no resemblance to her name (must ask her about this actually) Well Woody is a cool singer bags of enthusiasm and the Stone Jesters are back on that road to gigging....new song working on?..........want to know ? ...huh?

Ruby by the Kaiser Chiefs.......sorted bass line out last night

The Woodster’s photo will appear after next week’s rehearsals....
How do we all like the new artwork? The Dark Marge really excelled himself this time loads of you are commenting on how good it looks....
Anyway I’m still in me jim jams and have to go to work ....boring!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday 11 April 2008

All Change



The Posh bloke has gone . Great bloke just not the type of singer we need .The search continues for that all important singer...more coming down on Monday

Check out the new artwork by The Marge

Tuesday 8 April 2008

Elvis and The Stone Jesters

It called for drastic measures....there she stood my three year old Mini Minx in front of me with those ultra expressive eyes .....”Elvis is King...isn’t he Daddy” Aggggghhhhhh........I picked my self of the floor.....panic.... I composed myself “who told you that “I squeaked in disbelief........”Nanna” the honest reply came crashing back at me like a John McEnroe forehand.......you can’t be serious Mother Dearest...this is indoctrination.... what if someone calls child line upon hearing someone so young utter such nonsense....... I picked both her and Rockstar up and decided that I had to assume my role as chief educator to my children .....I plonked them in front of You tube which I hurriedly brought up on our PC which is temporarily in the kitchen with the refurbishment currently taking place at Machero towers . This is handy as one doesn’t even need to get off one’s chair to grab a snack from the fridge or a glass of wine from the rack ......anyway I sat them in front of the computer and played them a clip of Elvis in Las Vegas ( think it was ) from 1970....a year before I was born singing Suspicious minds. My thinking is that after seeing the cringe making outfit.....the Karate warm up /stretching he incorporated in his routine (Sic) and the funny dancing Minx would realise he wasn’t so cool after all. Instead she started laughing ......she thought it was funny Minx and Rockstar looked as if they were enjoying it.........more drastic measures .I’ve been listening to lots of skar at the moment so I quickly put as many madness videos on a s possible before long Elvis had been replaced by Baggy Trousers in the fore front of Minx’s little mind ....then I had a brain wave I showed them Bad Manners doing The Can Can...how they enjoyed seeing the rather large skinhead with an even larger tongue in a grass skirt high kicking.....this degenerated into the three of us doing the full Can can routine in the kitchen complete with tongue....my whoops of joy subsided when I realised I probably didn’t look dissimilar to Buster Bloodvessel .......Elvis however was a far distant memory for my tiddly peeps...mission complete....words with Mother dearest to follow!

We have finally decided on a new name for the band........The Stone Jesters.......The Dark Marge has been with pen poised for a week now and has had to screw his work up as we have wrestled with different names and changed our minds....Marge has had a real sense of humour failure (probably justified mind) but last night we finally decided on Stone Jesters except for a good hour Barabanshik insisted we be called The Stoned Jesters....the Dark Marge texted me with his representations regarding this ...I must admit announcing to the whole Parish at The School summer fete that we were Stoned Jesters might not go down to well with The Head teacher and /or the parish priest......I protested with Bara Barbie girl shik it wouldn’t be right .Finally Bara la lalalalala lah lalalala lah hey Jude shik succumbed to pressure but reckons he’s going to get an adhesive D for his drum so he can be a StoneD Jester...fair enough ........ a final text into the Dark Marge telling him we had changed our minds again resulted in a very very frosty response.......

Finally our new singer will be here on known as Posh....no he doesn’t pout like Mrs Beckham or wear tight fitting leather jump suits....(at least not at band practice)...It rhymes with his name and he has got rather a posh Surrey accent it has to be said...

Current line up .....

The Stone Jesters
Posh-lead vocals
Wifey –Guitar s and Sax
The Holy One –Guitar s
Barabanshik-drums
Me-Bass

Laters...I’m off to find some Harlequin trousers!

Wednesday 2 April 2008

Jester's Brew

Paranoid...maybe...On my way to the office this week and Mr T calls me on my mobile ......he explains that ..well...i was losing my computer and that he was getting my desk..........and I’d have to share his computer........except Mr T does a job where he kind of uses his computer for his full 8 hours?!?!?!? Hmmmm I thought ........I’d already given up my cupboard in the office to allow the introduction of 12 new people in the office .....under the pretence that my cupboard would be removed from the office except it wasn’t and I found it locked with other people’s stuff in it. ......so call me paranoid but I felt very, very undervalued. My boss Sasquatch (so called as she has tiny feet) is off sick because ....yes you guessed it she’s broken her toes.......an accident at the swimming pool by all accounts ....apparently she was kicking Mr Sasquatch up the back side or something at the time but this is unconfirmed ...the other boss in our office.....an awfully decent bloke has suggested Sasquatch was engaged in weird goings on with Mr Sasquatch at the time .......but again this is unconfirmed......awfully decent bloke however joined in with Mr T the other day when they ripped the proverbial out of my Maltese music ....quote" I feel like I’m in Ali’s kebab shop in Shepherd’s Bush" Mr T upset me further stating that Malta shouldn’t be allowed to play football with the big nations ......ha!!!!! egg on his face when Malta beat Lichtenstein 7-1 last week!!!!!...anyway what would Mr T know about football he supports Leeds!!!!

We have some cool new characters in the office mind..amongst many ..Grandpops....he must be at least 100 years old ...and worse an ex bank manager!!!! And a ginger!!!!! A young lad I’m going to call flash .....no explanation needed! A couple of girls who went AWOL from the height department ...in fact I nearly turned a couple of tables over and formed a playpen the other day for them. So far they all seem decent enough peeps...(just in case this blog falls into the wrong hands)

Enough about work! .... We’re back on track......we have a singer .....he comes from a punk and rock background ...(be it about 20 years ago) he has a number of written songs plays a bit of guitar and bass. generally seems to be a decent bloke...oh he can sing too.(always a plus) can’t say I have a blog name for him yet....piccy is on my space if you want to oggle.....I’ve also posted piccies of The Holy One in his "throw your knickers at me " pose..... it was taken last summer whilst he was playing on tour in Switzerland ...it’s obviously a warm sunny day with his white t-shirt and "Top Gun " specs.

So anyway we are still looking for a band name.......answers on a postcard! The favourite is Jester’s Brew but we’ll confirm this over the next few days.We are back planning our assault on the summer gigs......We are hoping to play four gigs between 1st June and 12 th July .We are looking to include some cool rock stuff and i must say we are jamming this really cool Ska come rock n’roll stuff where Wifey and the Holy One are really showing what skilled musicians they are.

Hmmmmmm "Good Evening Wembley!!!!! We are Jester’s Brew!!!!!"