The Departure lounge at Glasgow Airport echoes with the sounds of a lone piper playing “In the far far East” the sound passes though passport control and then into the searching hall where the sound muffles only for about 5 seconds as our intrepid bard passes through the x- ray machine along with the handbags cameras and wallets. the pipes drift off to the departure gates bound for London!!! Scotland’s son returns next week the tartan army are heading south......
Welcome back to all you hotties, Sports fans and Maltese Pompy Fans out there (ok A Fan)...
Well the tour has certainly become focused this week, as the tour Tic's down into its final stretch (ok I`m winding down anyway). With just over 2 weeks of playing time left and my replacement players arrival imminent, I am finding it hard to focus on the holes in front of me, and to stop myself from getting a little bit excited about the prospect of finishing the tour. The end is in sight and that 19th hole party looms just around the corner.
Our neighbours have stepped up their attempts at disrupting the tour this week. With all the new players on the course still perfecting their swings and finding the lay of the land, the neigbours have taken the opportunity to test their resolve and find out how dedicated a golf player they are. We have seen an increase in foreign golf ball activity, and we have unfortunately seen a couple of players receive minor wounds from flying divots. I can happily report though, that one of the unlucky players can now at least sit down again with the aide of the golf carts spare tyre!!!.
Well i have some very sad news to report, during a player roundup exercise and golf ball throwing competition, i have sadly lost my new Henno hat as presented last week. In the middle of inspecting the restaurants floor for cleanliness and being ushered out back to the hotel, my hat was accidentally left behind. Some unsavoury player has decided to keep it rather than hand it in to the reception.
It seems that a new craze has hit the celebrity world called "Let's visit the troops", or as we like to call it "let's use the troops to give us good PR". We have again been visited by more B listed models, this time the topless variety (dont get too excited readers - their clothes stayed on). So cynically i have to question the true purpose of these visits beyond whipping up magazine sales amongst the adolescent male population and making all the young soldiers drool and act like flies round Sh*te. I did hear someone shouting about his nuts, until i realised that's what was printed on the girls rather small t-shirt. Wouldn't it be nice to actually have someone come out here because they have something to give other than a stiff........ Well bugger me with a fish fork and call me a Taxi.......`I can hear Jock with Pipes now.....Yoor a Taxi`, IS there such a celebrity out there?, YES there is, however due to parental concerns the said person wishes to remain anonymous. All i can say is it is a comedian, and the said person is giving up their time for free, and even closing their own club in the homeland for the duration of his visit to the tour - so our hats off to them (well i would if i still had one).......
HEALTH WARNING - The tour has sufferred a most unfortunate accident this week. A young man stripped down....(his weapon)....ready for routine cleaning on the toilet??. Instead of sticking to a strict laid down set of procedures he decided to deviate and play with his weapon, cocked it out of sync, resulting in a premature and unwanted discharge, not to mention the creation of a nice hole in one of his palms. The poor boy has now learnt a very important lesson "playing with you weapon can be dangerous, it can result in unwanted discharges and missing body parts"
SEVERE WEATHER WARNING - The tour on Friday had to be suspended due to bad weather. There have been sporadic reports of flash floods, electical fires and large brown muddy ponds springing up across the course. It is unclear yet as to how long the torrential rains will last, but if it keeps up we will require canoes and some diving gear if we are to continue the tour. Even Shrek would be happy to wallow in this swamp!!.
Well thats all for this week, next weeks update will be the last update from the water trodden course. Till then be seen, be safe and watch out for them busses, and also remember boys - dont play with your weapons......
Jockanese K.... MBE
“Air traffic control Heathrow from BA 152”
“Go ahead BA152”
“ Good morning we are heading for final descent into Heathrow we have a problematic passenger on board can you ensure we have a reception party to deal on arrival ?”
“All received 152.....can I hear bagpipes in the background?”
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