A lone piper walks along a sand swept runway littered with craters. Peppered bullet marks scar the building he walks past as he meticulously plays the opening bars to "In the far far east there's a dirty little beast on his bagpipes!...He dive's for cover as his playing has attracted the unwanted attention of a group of battle hardened soldiers now taking aim at our hapless piper........then a commanding voice bellows
" OK ok leave the piper alone he's on our side save it for the enemy"
Hello to all you hotties, sportsfans and Star Trekers out there - welcome back to the final stages of this years 2007 Desert Classic Gu(o)lf Tour. With the mid point break over, the players have recharged their batteries and are ready for the final push to the 19th hold.
Having departed the course in the early morning hours of the 6th, it was of no surprise to me to find our airline running late due to aircraft handling problems - would you believe it - the Kuwaities could not find anywhere for the aircraft to park, and i thought i had problems on Saturday mornings at ASDA. Never the less it was only a minor delay to the journey and the look on Junior Jockanese K's face when i arrived home would make even the hardest person melt to mush, i can tell you.
It was mighty nice to make it home to celebrate Junior Jockanese's 7th birthday, and participate in her party. Having the chance to re-acquaint myself with family, friends and speak to my folks on the phone a few times, all in all slip myself back into my life again. don't tell Mrs Jockanese, but i even enjoyed going shopping....shhhhhhh. I also managed to teach myself what a hoover is for, rediscover methods of cleaning not only the bathroom and toilet but wait for it....the oven too, although i must admit i did do the typical bloke thing and only do half a job.
So after a well earned 7 days in the extremely cold homeland (well it was freezing to me), it was time to depart the homeland and make the epic journey to pay homage to the sun god, the lord of the mighty golf swing and chant "swing bara bara swing" to the deflector boys. Departing the homeland we were only 1 hour late, then we ventured over to the land of the Hunn, where we were scheduled to take on new players for the next tour. This should have ben a relatively smooth operation apart from the fact that these new players golf clubs took up more weight than predicted, so evolved a large game of musical chairs (without the music) around the aircraft in an attempt to re-ballance the aircraft as it was nose heavy. So after what seemed like an eternity we finally started to rumble down the tarmac, and keep rumbling down the tarmac, and with a little bit of trepidation it eventually lifted off the ground into the star filled sky. So next on the journey was Kuwait, and we arrived on time only to find that we would not be returning to the course that morning as planned, as the runway of our course airport had been damaged by some unwelcome flying golf balls. Well in the end we arrived after some 36 hrs.
So the tour is back on and has restarted, in my absence some players have found romance, some took a well earned rest in the local hospital (falling down a pot hole in the dark), and my cofin has grown a lid, AND i have been doing a bit of Kerb crawling - YES i have and NO its not what it sounds like - honest guv.... Having spent a week in the UK driving the JockMobile on the left hand side of the road, I have returned to driving the golf card on the right (ok love i know its a posh Golf Cart). To my passengers shock whilst transiting from work to the course restaurant and with my mind elsewhere i proceeded to leave the fairway, mount the kerb and drive on the rough stuff for about 10 metres before rejoining the fairway. So you can well imagine i was glad it was dark and there were no witnesses or course officials, i have however had no end of ribbing since.
Last but not least,, your favourite Hot Machero Bass Player and occasional squealer mentioned that a few of you hotties have questioned whether or not these updates paint a true picture of life here on the tour, i can only answer Yes, the truth it is,, however just in case you fell into a sand trap, i am not really playing golf on a golf course!!!!...
Well having read "Jock with the pipes" rantings about wind swept beaches, lashings of rain, i can kind of of concede that indeed it is rather cold at the moment in the homeland. However may i suggest a scarf, gloves and a tranditional tamishanter (or bonnet to you non-jocks out there), as this may help put the wind back in yer pipes, as a true Scotsman that i am sure he is, i would not dare suggest the wearing of thermal undies under the kilt for fear of a VPL.
Jockanese K MBE
Lone piper walks off into the sunset over the sandy runway "In the far far east is interupted as a clatter of pipes and player disappear as if by magic from thin air as a cross Scottish voice shouts
"Who the F=*K put this f*&%ing crater in the f$+_ing way.............get me oooot help help get me oooooooooot"
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