Car Rant Capers!

Why me? All I want is to sail through life without hassle and people that make my shit itch! Now I know you all know about my calamities I have with automobiles…you know the whole filling with oil and water jobby, but I felt a sharp decrease in performance recently and I just wasn’t getting much acceleration…just a horrible smell and this wasn’t due to excessive vindaloos causing nether regions to play up either…I know how you lot think!

So limping the car into my friendly mechanic I got out and he stuck his nose in the air and told me my clutch was seriously gone!!!! The problem with good mechanics is they can’t do anything …NOW! It’s always a sucking in of breath between clenched teeth and I’ll fit you in next Tuesday type effort so eventually I found out that a popular chain of clutch fitting specialists in Furze Platt could do it for me today……without naming and shaming this specialist has Clutch in the title and is referred to as Mr. Anyway I drove to Furze Platt ( an outskirt of Maidenhead) and it was sweltering a real muggy hot day I flipped on my Aircon without a care in the world…apart from knowing I was about to be fleeced of a couple of hundred pound for a new clutch that is.

So I got the car there and this twelve year old in receptionist blokey started talking cars to me. I kind of had a glazed expression on my face ….Hello! I just drive the things not interested that you don’t see many of my type car in for a new clutch and that the clutch that goes the quickest is a Ford KA but then and I quote “They are driven by Women and by men of a certain persuasion that don’t have an appreciation of the clutch”……………………get back to school ……..twat.

So I walked away leaving the stupid boy and the car behind me and had to walk to Furze Platt railway station…and it started to rain…I had no coat ….so there I am without a car in the rain walking breaking my neck cos…… I needed a pee….aha!!! I thought there is a petrol station I will relieve myself at their toilet and carry on with my adventure ……but it was out of order…… rats!!!! I’m now going to pee myself so I mince round to the railway station thinking that there would be a toilet there …..yes I did say mince remember I’m trying to stop me self from weeing . Someone stole the station and plonked a platform at a level crossing…….with no toilet . When I eventually did get to a toilet in Maidenhead it was bliss……

Later that day got the car back it was now a summery evening and I parted with my couple of hundred pounds and drove home nearly taking out a cyclist with my new over zealous clutch making me thrust forward …………oooooooeer!

I put my aircon on but though it wasn’t doing anything …got to Bracknell and thought nothing else of it……next day …it was hot……and yes the aircon was not working…….now call me suspicious……..and maybe simplistic but …

Aircon working………take car to menders ……..Aircon not working………

I reckon it is pretty much a sure deal they have done something to it…but oh no not according to the clutch place…having taken it to two branches walked across the desolate back streets of Slough (don’t know where everyone was)to and from in bright sunshine ….and now I’m stuck with no aircon……..and temperatures have not dropped below 20’ C either.

I wish I lived close enough to work not to have to use the flipping car…I’ve decided I don’t like them……we are left to the mercy of those that fix them then there are the petrol heads who adore all things car……and watch Top Gear…..I mean what an annoying “Swiss Banker” Clarkson is.? Getting excited about curvatures and 0-60 in a nano second …..wooooo hooooo how very bloody exciting …it’s a car!!!!!!…deal with it !!!!…. It gets you from A to B ……..or that is the theory.

As for Formula One …..??? Come on it is as dull as Dot Cotton’s sex life! A procession of fast cars going round and round and round ….the best car wins generally not the best driver…..and lets face it as morbid and rotten as it seems the only reason we used to watch motor racing was to see the crashes and they just don’t happen anymore….. and what’s so clever about driving on smooth roads which always end where you started from anyway?

Jensen Button ..Lewis Hamilton you don’t impress me…….drive your cars across London with a Sat Nav that knows best even when it doesn’t….. avoid getting caught on camera in a bus lane, speeding and/or jumping lights or combination of all …remember to pay your congestion charge and don’t run over any PCSOs……(well not too many anyway)

or put two squabbling kids in the back seats and do the school run whilst running late ……pah…Formula One? tis for A holes..


So I end today’s rant with another profound quote from Grand Pop’s ….our percussionist in response to post gig analysis……

“ You can dissect a frog to see how it jumps…but it will never jump again?”