Dear Santa,
This year as you are advancing in age and may be losing it a bit.....don‘t worry I fully understand ....you must be well older than Mother dearest but seeing what pandemonium she causes I can imagine that the old grey thing might not work as efficiently as it used to (I mean your brain not Mother Dearest that is). So I thought I’d give you a helping hand and suggest some pressies for people that regularly appear in these pages.
The Dark Marge....A stress ball......well he has been a good boy this year he has done bags of artwork for us, but as quiet and restrained as he is I can hear the stress in his voice when I say.. ”Well Marge that picture you did? For the CD cover ...the one that took you about 3 days to do..yep that one.....Wifey doesn’t like it” or .... “Hi Marge that winter scene? Yep the one we wanted in the snow...yep the ice thing......Wifey reckons it’d too cold needs to be warmer”..........I knew he was getting a bit fed up when the reply came back “Well you tell me how to make warm F*£ck1ng Snow!”. Many of my readers have commented on what a grand job ...the “3rd member of Spriggan mist “ does on the artwork........so Santa mate chuck him a stress ball and don’t hassle him for that 3D picture of Rudolph you have ordered.
Mother Dearest...hmmm where do we start....a good girl? S’pose so, all though the fruit and veg man at the market would probably debate that as he still dives for cover when she approaches in her mobility scooter. I think she could benefit from a spirit level........well the old vertigo thing can’t be easy for her so a level head could come in useful?!?!? And there are two things that really annoy me around Christmas time ....people that come round sit in my armchairs looking the decs we’ve put up and say......” oh that garland isn’t straight” Mother Dearest is good at this...well if you brought her a spirit level she could bloody well go and put it straight herself..in fact bring her some gift wrapped step ladders to reach the high bits too. The other favourite of MD is .......”oh look you know those chasing fairy lights that took you an hour to put up and made you swear in Maltese................you have a bulb gone!”
The children ...well you have their lists ......even you can’t get that wrong although how you are going to get a drum kit on the back of your sleigh is beyond me!
Mr T....... Well T is a difficult one really. Can you get some of Simon Cowell’s trousers? (T is officially the Spriggan Mist music critique in t’office) Or maybe a wall size picture of Elland Road (Leeds Utd ground) No.... I mean like 20ft along and 10 ft high. Why? Well that’s the only time he’s going to see Leeds as a big club again.
Road Runner...a homing device to pop into hubby The Diddler’s pocket. Well you see El Diddlelerio when out on a bender phones up his missus to come and get him...unfortunately asking her to pick him up from London really doesn’t narrow it down really ....If you could bring the Did’s a plastic card with a chain on it saying “ return me to this address if found” that would be helpful too.
Last but by no means least My wifey...........a peg........yep just a peg.......well it’s to pair her boots up. I said I’d keep this a secret so it’s between you and me alright Santa? . Well she chucked out an old pair of black boots recently as her new ones were better .......for about a month she was wearing her boots when she realised that what she actually did was chucked an old boot and a new boot out and she had been wearing odd boots ........like I said no one noticed so don’t tell anyone. She has been an exceptionally good girl mind .
And then me.......Santa don’t bring me anything this year...I’m happy ,healthy (bit over weight ) and have people around me I love, I have music and I have a large tin of celebrations. Sorted....!
