It's been a funny week so far. Monday's school run is always eventfull.This Monday as usual we're running to wards the school just on time and we walked past a little Princess. I didn't even acknowledge the fact we had walked past a Princess in a gold dress. It was as I nearly bowled over Darth Vader that I realised in shock horror that all the children were in costume.....don't panic I thought you'll wake up in a minute ......I looked at rockstar's face, my six year old was in a very sharply pressed school uniform looking very sad.....it was story week, all children in the school were to come as someone out of a story today, I'd forgotten.....bad bad Daddy!!!!!! ....my insistance to Rockstar that he was Tucker Jenkins out of Grange Hill were met with glazed eyes, Tucker of course had turned into Mark Fowler way before Rockstar was born....I raced home avoiding little red riding hood as I raced out the gate...she was late anyway ....(probably pestering Granny again?!?!?!?!) I ran into the house and rumaged around Rockstar's dressing up draw....A pirate!!!!.....marvelous!!! I raced back just in time to swipe Rockstar out of the line he was walking in to the hall full of Harry potters ,Ninja Turtles ,Power Rangers, Princesses. changed him into a pirate quicker than Superman morphs from Kent into the man of steel (no he didn't come from Dover I mean Kent as in Clark!!!) and placed him back in the queue as Peter Pan ....aka Rockstars teacher smiled as she realised how devastated I was to have forgotton. Rockstar was over the moon I breathed a sigh of relief ...I asked another teacher if they would be in fancy dress all day (wondering what I was going to do with his uniform). She was in her nightie and dressing gown complete with teddy bear.......now it isn't often you can say that you were speaking to your son's teacher in her bed clothes is it!!!!
Monday night rehearsals help to ease one into the week...Boots was on fine form but Wifey and I were a bit off par ...just a bit tired we thinks. We will be for the first time in a long time a complete band next week. Barabanshik is back from his US of A adventure.....Barara boom dee ay shik will I'm sure be back with a bang ...and a crash (as drummers do) Ba ba ba ba baaaa baaaa(sang in a hawaii 5 O kind of way )shik hasn't met Boots yet. In true hot Machero style in the space of three weeks the band has lost two members gained one, streamlined it's repertoire and added a load more even dabbling into the world of original stuff written by our singer song writer extrordanaire Boots...Wifey is even mid writing a very Kate Bushy type of song which I must say is sounding good....all this while Bar bie girl ina barbie world shik has been away in Boston....phew
So I had to do some shopping and as wander around Tescos in a zombified state looking for green mini babybels....gotta try em'...they are made of goats cheese remind me a little of gbejna (pronounced jbey-na) which is a Maltese cheese. I was always going to fail in my task as Tesco's don't stock them Wifey purchased the other lot from Sainsburys......a minor detail she forgot to tell me...but I digress.....whilst pondering over the cheese issue....I overheard a conversation between an elderly lady and a teenager ...the old lady was actually teaching her Grandson to shop.......it was quite extraordinary!!! He actually had to be told about checking dates etc...Then came the killer question that almost gave me away that I was ear wigging...."Nan....so.....a....do they deliver this to us then?" he pointed to his trolley ladened with groceries......."No she replied you have to carry it to your car "........." sod this " came his reply......"I'm going to get me a laptop and order my shopping on tinternet in future" My God how did we survive without internet shopping!!!!!!!! we so lived in hard times having to lug our shopping to the car.......I wonder if in 50 years time there will be a /hovis advert with some chavvy kid on it walking out of tescos onto a cobbled street straight to his kit ladened corsa saying "aye back in them days we had to actually go shopping for our loaf of Hovis".
If that wasn't enough to make me smile I was waiting at the check out wondering if the woman in front of me was joking when she refused help packing ....does anyone actually accept help? It becomes habit doesn't it...you sidle up all happy as you are at the front of the queue "Do you want any help packing?" brain goes into autodrive.."nah!....i'll be allright" One day I'm going to say yes to see what happens....I bet the check out assistant just says "ok" and carries on as if I said no. May be if you want help packing they will just slow down rather than watch you juggle with your groceries like a contestant out of crackerjack!!!!!( flippin heck I'm showing me age now!!!!!!!) as they hurtle the food down the conveyor belt like Billy whizz on speed, anyway.......... I'm in the queue and a tannoy comes out..."BING BONG......Would a fresh manager please go to customer services BING BONG" the whole shop were clutching their sides.........I just had visions of some woman at customer services saying......"Excuse me I'd like to see the manager as I'm dying for a sh*g" the reply "oh certainly madam I'll just get someone up for the job!" .......or maybe they have mouldy managers....can you imagine that..."I don't want to complain to a Mouldy manager ....get me a fresh one!!!"
I had this insane idea this week to get back into Martial arts...I am fed up of looking down and seeing the roundness around my midrift.....nice on a Vee dub Beetle but not so good on me own body...so off I popped to a local Kickboxing class...I thought it only fair I told the Instructor about my background....It would be a bit like Damon Hill getting into a Driving instructor's car and forgetting to tell him he'd kind of done it before. I did warn said instructor that I had been inactive since about 2004 and that I would be taking it easy..........easy never came into it and the amount of situps and pushups and stretching wasn't even half the amount I used to knock out when I was competing ..but sadly 8 years on and much heavier realisation sets in
A...you are not getting any younger....
B. the satin gi trousers haven't shrunk in the wash but your belly has got bigger and
C.that it is impossible to take in breath from every orofice in your body as I was gasping so much that it felt like I was trying to do so..
I was pleased I could still deliver some jump spin hook kicks and the odd axe kick(much slower than the glory days although still faster than most )...some of my fellow trainess cottoned on......"You 've done this before haven't you".....i tried to tell them it was beginners luck but they were having none of it. It was when I landed a three punch combination,a roundhouse to the stomach and a spin kick to his head that gave it away........( I did actually have to catch my breath for a minute after mind so don't get too excited!!!!) ............. I'm feeling it today....No there will be no ring comeback, and no not even for charity, and no I will not be going for my third dan. This is just me getting fit again .
I have had no update from Jockanese K ....MBE this week ........I know several people have asked I'm sure he is ok...
.
I will leave you with the dumbest question ever asked by a journalist. Some journo was reporting on our gallant troups returning home from Afghanistan. There she was with her microphone amongst the wives and children at Aldershot as they're loved ones were coming home after six months on tour in a war zone where soldiers are getting killed daily....A young woman standing with her kids just meets up with her husband who is still in his uniform looking tired but relieved to be home........his kids hugging his camoflaged legs .
the reporter says......
"so what are you going to do now?"
What did she expect him to say?..." well actually i'm going home, eat me tea and then I'm off out out for a bevy with the boys" or " Liverpool are on telly in the Carling cup tonight it so will be a few cans in front of the telly".............his wife however answered for him ........
"We're going to put the kids to bed and then have a bit of "us" time!".....
I bet households up and down the country translated that statement into pure English!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, 26 September 2007
Thursday, 20 September 2007
Harmonies
Opening my e-mails these days has become more exciting. No not because of the the large amount of people sending me e-mails asking if my penis needs enlarging (does anyone else get this?.....e-mails that is....or is it just me?) It's not even bank companies with whomihave had no dealings asking me to send them every known detail about myself as they need to check something......yeah right!!!! It certainly isn't the adverts regarding Viagra!! No,I happened to stumble across an e-mail address of a friend I used to go to Scouts with over 21 years ago. We haven't spoken to each other since. I was a senior patrol leader when I left (discovered girls I think) Mario my little mate has stayed with them ever since and is now the Group Scout Leader and I quote states he “married the Scouts!!!” I am receiving regular e-mails which have lead me down memory lane.....every e-mail another memory. It was there I had my first brush with music...I played the bugle in the band....and if it isn't the GSL (Mario) it's our singer guitarist Boots discussing music .......discussing our rehearsals planning our next songs. I'm even getting e-mails from the Boston based Barabanshik ....(that is a mouth full) Brap brap banshik will be back soon and I can't wait...I'm sure the Hot Machero sound will be the best yet...we have come a long way since February and we can only get better.
The Boots man is introducing us to his Beatles influenced creations. There is some class stuff on this assortment of discs he has lent to me. Harmonies........hmmm they are the thorn in my side ....oh how I used to just sit back pluck my bass ( I said pluck!) and let the Diddler do the backing vocals. Wifey and Boots are starting to sound good on Into the deep and Sing but the other songs really dictate a male backing voice........now I have a problem...(no not that one I have cream for that) I can't sing and play at the same time (ok I can't sing full stop!) ........(what do you mean I can't play either?)........(don't you just hate people who overuse brackets?) so I'm having to learn quick......whistle for the choir has always been the song I like the least but the Bootster has noticed their is backing on it......pants! I knew he would, so I'm practicing playing and singing.
So Harmonies are stuck in my head at the moment especially Beatles influenced ...I walked into a shop this morning and the shop assistant asked if I needed anything I nearly went into a volley off "Help I need somebody ,Help! not just anybody Help, I need somebody Heeeeeeeeellllllllp!" no but it's cool and Boots sounds like Macca .............. I sound like a dead ringer for John Lennon....I mean as he was last week .........exactly! but we will give it a go. Early sounds are very positive Boots' version of Dakota is really good and we were treated to an acoustic version of Time of your life and Dock of the bay which were very impressive....so why acoustic I hear you say? when we have the mixer and speaker cabinets etc,,,was it to hear the complexities of the notes we are playing?..to get our harmonies spot on? nah none of them......twas cos I pulled the plug it was home time. I’m thinking of telling Bara popodopoulis shik to get rid of his hi hat (clap together cymbal thing) Boots in Bara barking up the wrong tree shik’s absence does a mean hi hat impression but that is a story for another day.
I will leave you with the quote of the week from Mr T at work......
“When is Christmas this year?”
The Boots man is introducing us to his Beatles influenced creations. There is some class stuff on this assortment of discs he has lent to me. Harmonies........hmmm they are the thorn in my side ....oh how I used to just sit back pluck my bass ( I said pluck!) and let the Diddler do the backing vocals. Wifey and Boots are starting to sound good on Into the deep and Sing but the other songs really dictate a male backing voice........now I have a problem...(no not that one I have cream for that) I can't sing and play at the same time (ok I can't sing full stop!) ........(what do you mean I can't play either?)........(don't you just hate people who overuse brackets?) so I'm having to learn quick......whistle for the choir has always been the song I like the least but the Bootster has noticed their is backing on it......pants! I knew he would, so I'm practicing playing and singing.
So Harmonies are stuck in my head at the moment especially Beatles influenced ...I walked into a shop this morning and the shop assistant asked if I needed anything I nearly went into a volley off "Help I need somebody ,Help! not just anybody Help, I need somebody Heeeeeeeeellllllllp!" no but it's cool and Boots sounds like Macca .............. I sound like a dead ringer for John Lennon....I mean as he was last week .........exactly! but we will give it a go. Early sounds are very positive Boots' version of Dakota is really good and we were treated to an acoustic version of Time of your life and Dock of the bay which were very impressive....so why acoustic I hear you say? when we have the mixer and speaker cabinets etc,,,was it to hear the complexities of the notes we are playing?..to get our harmonies spot on? nah none of them......twas cos I pulled the plug it was home time. I’m thinking of telling Bara popodopoulis shik to get rid of his hi hat (clap together cymbal thing) Boots in Bara barking up the wrong tree shik’s absence does a mean hi hat impression but that is a story for another day.
I will leave you with the quote of the week from Mr T at work......
“When is Christmas this year?”
Tuesday, 18 September 2007
Jockanese K....MBE part 3
I Would like to interrupt this blog to bring you the mad ramblings of a crazy Scotsman sweating his socks off serving his country....Jockanese K .......MBE ...............WE SALYOOTE YOU!
"Hi sports fan's and welcome back to yet another weekly update on the highs and lows of life on the 2007 Desert Classic Gu(o)lf Tour, and again more drivel and diabolical ranting's with humour that wouldnt look out of place at a Star Trek convention.
This reporter would like to start this week by saying thank you all for your recent corresponcence, i would like to especially thank you all for your convern regarding the welfare of the Donkey, I can confirm he is alive and well and still has all 4 of his legs, although the sunglasses are causing a slight irritation. We will shortly be running a naming competition, and can confirm that the BBC will not be running the phone in.
Well another week has passed and the tour is motoring on at full speed ahead. After last weeks disruption from our naughty neighbours, they again decided to try their luck at disrupting the tour and players, luckily for everyone they were again well off mark.
Last weeks unfortunate dry spell caused much discomfort and smell, unfortunately the temporary repairs by our resident contractors `Botch inc` have again failed this week, much to delights of the local mozzie population, they were over the moon as there were plenty of tasty smelly victims to feast on. If one did not know better - this reporter would swear he was living amongst a leper colony.
Thankfully with another round of tinkering, head scratching and loud sucking noices, we are again back to full flow and the smell is gradually disappearing, with the weather men stating the green haze is finally dispersing and visibility should be back to normal soon.
Sports Flash: We have unconfirmed reports of sightings in France of strange men wearing skirts, shrieking loudly whilst wearing ginger wigs taunting the French, singing Who are yoo, Who are Yoo and whers yer Va Va Voom Noo!!!
General Announcement: Due to the rather generous Government and Royal Mail granting free parcel postage to the Tour, the snail mail system is backed up and delays of up to 2 weeks are being experienced across the course.
Health Flash: New Diet Discovered:- You don't need the Atkin diet, you don't need the wait watcher diet, you dont even need ten ton of milkshakes to lose weight - just become a player on the tour, you too can throw yourselves repeadedly on the ground ducking foreign balls, carry heavy protective designer gear and enjoy the +45DegC heat plus blue skies and beautiful scenery. What more could you ask for, the weight will just fall off.
Breep Breep - Thats all folks - for this week, Stay safe, Stay happy and be glad your not here!!
Jockanese_K_MBE Signing off till nexts weeks update. "
"Hi sports fan's and welcome back to yet another weekly update on the highs and lows of life on the 2007 Desert Classic Gu(o)lf Tour, and again more drivel and diabolical ranting's with humour that wouldnt look out of place at a Star Trek convention.
This reporter would like to start this week by saying thank you all for your recent corresponcence, i would like to especially thank you all for your convern regarding the welfare of the Donkey, I can confirm he is alive and well and still has all 4 of his legs, although the sunglasses are causing a slight irritation. We will shortly be running a naming competition, and can confirm that the BBC will not be running the phone in.
Well another week has passed and the tour is motoring on at full speed ahead. After last weeks disruption from our naughty neighbours, they again decided to try their luck at disrupting the tour and players, luckily for everyone they were again well off mark.
Last weeks unfortunate dry spell caused much discomfort and smell, unfortunately the temporary repairs by our resident contractors `Botch inc` have again failed this week, much to delights of the local mozzie population, they were over the moon as there were plenty of tasty smelly victims to feast on. If one did not know better - this reporter would swear he was living amongst a leper colony.
Thankfully with another round of tinkering, head scratching and loud sucking noices, we are again back to full flow and the smell is gradually disappearing, with the weather men stating the green haze is finally dispersing and visibility should be back to normal soon.
Sports Flash: We have unconfirmed reports of sightings in France of strange men wearing skirts, shrieking loudly whilst wearing ginger wigs taunting the French, singing Who are yoo, Who are Yoo and whers yer Va Va Voom Noo!!!
General Announcement: Due to the rather generous Government and Royal Mail granting free parcel postage to the Tour, the snail mail system is backed up and delays of up to 2 weeks are being experienced across the course.
Health Flash: New Diet Discovered:- You don't need the Atkin diet, you don't need the wait watcher diet, you dont even need ten ton of milkshakes to lose weight - just become a player on the tour, you too can throw yourselves repeadedly on the ground ducking foreign balls, carry heavy protective designer gear and enjoy the +45DegC heat plus blue skies and beautiful scenery. What more could you ask for, the weight will just fall off.
Breep Breep - Thats all folks - for this week, Stay safe, Stay happy and be glad your not here!!
Jockanese_K_MBE Signing off till nexts weeks update. "
Wednesday, 12 September 2007
Lofty and the 23 winda Splitty
So what about Vanfest I hear you cry? There you both were slogging your guts out getting Eddy ready for Vanfest and then you tell us nothing about it you cry……
Ok …ok well I had other things on my mind didn’t I , with Boots coming to try us out … then Jockanese K….MBE sent one of his updates….I have rehearsing to do and I want to start getting fit again, maybe be a practicing martial artist again?
That’s after juggling home life with two kids and housework and still have a bit of quality time with Wifey……oh yes and there’s that work thing I turn up to once in a while, got to stick at that as the way the old spondoonys slip through me and Wifey’s fingers I need to do a bit more me thinks…….
Anyway I digress……….So its Friday night…(well it isn’t but I’m telling a story ain’t I) Rock star is picked up from school and off we set down the M4 towards Malvern …..after I have a last minute dash to get some Camping Gaz…I thought Home base so of I shot in the car which turned into Exorsett I mean ….ecsorsett…or maybe ..excerset…….a flippin missile!
The very nice lady in Home base informed me that Millets did them. So I’m now running to the car screamed around the one way ring road in Bracknell did some well dodgy parking in a service road in a bay reserved for taxis and legged it up the High Street wielding said empty canister of Camping Gaz like a raving loony before the shops shut. Hot flustered and sweaty I asked for a new bottle and the little spotty geek in Millets informed me they didn’t do it there……………and then at the end he said in his dweeby geeky anoraky voice
“ Ah now where do they do them…………………. Home base….? Maybe…………. Or………hmm…… Halfords? ……you could try ……………Focus?
“ Do you know they do the Gaz there ?”I say realising that we weren’t destined after all to eat cold beans on bread and butter all weekend
“No I’m not sure………..but you could try them…………I’m not sure if they do it though ( I could taste the cold baked beans again)………..the only shop I know that do it for sure is …the hardware store at Harmans Water shops ..........he definitely does them”
Resisting grabbing his weedy shoulders and shouting in his ear holes "why didn’t you tell me that from the start rather than having to listen to a talking Yellow pages of Bracknell Retail outlets!!!!!!!!!" I ran into the High street.......... and back to the shop again to pick up the empty Gaz Canister which I'd left behind ....back into the High Street and ran to the car hoping that the car wasn’t clamped To my surprise there was no clamp maybe all those angry cabbies behind my car shouting about some t0sser who can’t read put the clampers off …who knows. Off
I shot to Harman’s Water…….funny place…there is no water and who the s0dding hell is Harman anyway? I could have kissed the old lady in the shop as she exchanged my empty canister for a shiny new one.
So eventually we were on the road a quick stop off at Tescos to buy some porky pies and sausage rolls for the journey down and there we were Malvern bound!!!! Oh yes!...... there was the driver change…..the gear lever on Eddy has just been moved slightly during restorations and it was virtually impossible for me to get it into second gear. Wifey fearing the kids would learn some choice Maltese swearing she swapped over whilst I was getting the trough in.
We arrived at Vanfest in the dark…It was in full swing. On the mobi Heather from Berkshire bugs with who we were camping tried to explain where they were…now there is space for 15,000 vehicles to camp 10.000 of those are VW campervans it was like finding a needle in a haystack …….after ploughing through crowds and crowds of people who had already parked their trusty Vee Dubs up and were enjoying a Friday night’s funfair and disco and food and live music and as many VW busses they could feast their eyes on we found the camp site . There were multiple search lights beaming into the sky pumping music and lots of drink and dance all around us……..it was something else….we set up the awning got the kids to bed and Wifey and I cracked open a box of White Zinfandel (Auntie Jess would have been proud!) and proceeded to enjoy the company of an already on the way to getting hammered Ashley (VW mechanic, restorer Berkshire Bugs ownery type person) before the evening was out Wifey had kicked Ashley in the face multiple kicked Grant and managed to convince the rest we were in fact biscuit designers and between us drunk the equivalent of 4 bottles of wine…..
Then at about 0130 hours …in true Mr Benn style …as if by magic a little man appeared next to Maxine and in a squeaky voice which made me realise that this man was a spit for Lofty from it ain’t alf hot Mum (70s TV programme for those too young to remember…..must try and see it on DVD if you have no knowledge) anyway lofty proceeds to talk…whilst clutching his beer in a vice like grip in his right hand he says……(remember in a lofty accent) “Hello I’m mike …don’t laugh at me …I like talking to new people….I’m from Stoke on Trent and I’ve got a 23 window splitty and it’s ont cover of Volksworld next month” (this means a split screen VW camper van pre 1968 to be precise…with 23 windows and is going to be on the cover of a vw magazine ) I say to lofty “ Fudge me! Where the fudge did you come from?” or words to that effect...... he replies with a squint from behind his little glasses pushing his little belly out “from over there” and points to a few rows across and down. I explain to him that the only other person I know from Stoke on Trent is Robbie Williams he replies “Aye…Robbie’s a w&nker!”
This is where Wifey asked Lofty to see his bus………very worse for wear we went over to his bus with Dowey and Andrea the proud owners of the flaming turd….(.which is a brown splitty with a flame design over the front ) We ooo’d and aaaah’d at his bus (which in all fairness was very very nice) he explained we had to be quiet as his wife Tania was asleep inside……At this point I saw the glisten of devilment in wifey’s eyes as she went 0 to bitch in three seconds and instead of doing the right thing and dissuading her yours truly Dowey and Andi egged her on…..”I’d love to see the inside of your van and meet Tania” she said to him....We all convinced him that his sleeping wife would love to meet us at nearly 2 am in the morning……….It was like a scene out of little Britain …you know in the shop….Margaret ..MARGRET!….."Tania TANIA! Got some friends from Berkshire who’d like to meet you” She said “No thank you dear I would rather not “ except she said it in two words ….. ending in ….CK..OFF and starting in FU…We ran into the night clutching our sides as Lofty was left to pacify a now raging Tania…we never did meet her…..or him again come to think of it…We struggled into Eddy and crashed Out….
Saturday morning and Wifey was last to wake up in the Big Brother Van…..she greeted us with last night’s wine ……. fighting to resurface …..wouldn’t move from inside the camper which meant cooking breakfast was out of the question so off I trotted with the kids and we went French and got Croissants eventually wifey came back to normality at about 4 pm despite Ashley shouting across “come on get out of bed you lazy cow!”
So the rest of the weekend was endless Vee dubbing ..show and shine…..music entertainment ….a jolly good time was had by all ..we arrived back late Sunday night with lots of tales of wine, fire jugglers , people riding uni cycles , two metre long skateboards……a barbecue on a back of a kiddies trike that some dread locked white dudes were peddling along with this inferno trailing behind them…(for our Maltese viewers) looking like Larry ix-Xadin riding out of hell!!! (little monkey who rode a trike on Maltese children’s telly in the 80s) Endless stalls of everything you need for the van and loads of things you don’t but just have to buy anyway……like the Radio flyer….it’s a little red cart great for towing the kids round in ……….look it up online they’re great and every vee dub family with kids has to have one they have a kind of cult status now……..…I’m off got to plan our next trip…Brighton Breeze………
Ok …ok well I had other things on my mind didn’t I , with Boots coming to try us out … then Jockanese K….MBE sent one of his updates….I have rehearsing to do and I want to start getting fit again, maybe be a practicing martial artist again?
That’s after juggling home life with two kids and housework and still have a bit of quality time with Wifey……oh yes and there’s that work thing I turn up to once in a while, got to stick at that as the way the old spondoonys slip through me and Wifey’s fingers I need to do a bit more me thinks…….
Anyway I digress……….So its Friday night…(well it isn’t but I’m telling a story ain’t I) Rock star is picked up from school and off we set down the M4 towards Malvern …..after I have a last minute dash to get some Camping Gaz…I thought Home base so of I shot in the car which turned into Exorsett I mean ….ecsorsett…or maybe ..excerset…….a flippin missile!
The very nice lady in Home base informed me that Millets did them. So I’m now running to the car screamed around the one way ring road in Bracknell did some well dodgy parking in a service road in a bay reserved for taxis and legged it up the High Street wielding said empty canister of Camping Gaz like a raving loony before the shops shut. Hot flustered and sweaty I asked for a new bottle and the little spotty geek in Millets informed me they didn’t do it there……………and then at the end he said in his dweeby geeky anoraky voice
“ Ah now where do they do them…………………. Home base….? Maybe…………. Or………hmm…… Halfords? ……you could try ……………Focus?
“ Do you know they do the Gaz there ?”I say realising that we weren’t destined after all to eat cold beans on bread and butter all weekend
“No I’m not sure………..but you could try them…………I’m not sure if they do it though ( I could taste the cold baked beans again)………..the only shop I know that do it for sure is …the hardware store at Harmans Water shops ..........he definitely does them”
Resisting grabbing his weedy shoulders and shouting in his ear holes "why didn’t you tell me that from the start rather than having to listen to a talking Yellow pages of Bracknell Retail outlets!!!!!!!!!" I ran into the High street.......... and back to the shop again to pick up the empty Gaz Canister which I'd left behind ....back into the High Street and ran to the car hoping that the car wasn’t clamped To my surprise there was no clamp maybe all those angry cabbies behind my car shouting about some t0sser who can’t read put the clampers off …who knows. Off
I shot to Harman’s Water…….funny place…there is no water and who the s0dding hell is Harman anyway? I could have kissed the old lady in the shop as she exchanged my empty canister for a shiny new one.
So eventually we were on the road a quick stop off at Tescos to buy some porky pies and sausage rolls for the journey down and there we were Malvern bound!!!! Oh yes!...... there was the driver change…..the gear lever on Eddy has just been moved slightly during restorations and it was virtually impossible for me to get it into second gear. Wifey fearing the kids would learn some choice Maltese swearing she swapped over whilst I was getting the trough in.
We arrived at Vanfest in the dark…It was in full swing. On the mobi Heather from Berkshire bugs with who we were camping tried to explain where they were…now there is space for 15,000 vehicles to camp 10.000 of those are VW campervans it was like finding a needle in a haystack …….after ploughing through crowds and crowds of people who had already parked their trusty Vee Dubs up and were enjoying a Friday night’s funfair and disco and food and live music and as many VW busses they could feast their eyes on we found the camp site . There were multiple search lights beaming into the sky pumping music and lots of drink and dance all around us……..it was something else….we set up the awning got the kids to bed and Wifey and I cracked open a box of White Zinfandel (Auntie Jess would have been proud!) and proceeded to enjoy the company of an already on the way to getting hammered Ashley (VW mechanic, restorer Berkshire Bugs ownery type person) before the evening was out Wifey had kicked Ashley in the face multiple kicked Grant and managed to convince the rest we were in fact biscuit designers and between us drunk the equivalent of 4 bottles of wine…..
Then at about 0130 hours …in true Mr Benn style …as if by magic a little man appeared next to Maxine and in a squeaky voice which made me realise that this man was a spit for Lofty from it ain’t alf hot Mum (70s TV programme for those too young to remember…..must try and see it on DVD if you have no knowledge) anyway lofty proceeds to talk…whilst clutching his beer in a vice like grip in his right hand he says……(remember in a lofty accent) “Hello I’m mike …don’t laugh at me …I like talking to new people….I’m from Stoke on Trent and I’ve got a 23 window splitty and it’s ont cover of Volksworld next month” (this means a split screen VW camper van pre 1968 to be precise…with 23 windows and is going to be on the cover of a vw magazine ) I say to lofty “ Fudge me! Where the fudge did you come from?” or words to that effect...... he replies with a squint from behind his little glasses pushing his little belly out “from over there” and points to a few rows across and down. I explain to him that the only other person I know from Stoke on Trent is Robbie Williams he replies “Aye…Robbie’s a w&nker!”
This is where Wifey asked Lofty to see his bus………very worse for wear we went over to his bus with Dowey and Andrea the proud owners of the flaming turd….(.which is a brown splitty with a flame design over the front ) We ooo’d and aaaah’d at his bus (which in all fairness was very very nice) he explained we had to be quiet as his wife Tania was asleep inside……At this point I saw the glisten of devilment in wifey’s eyes as she went 0 to bitch in three seconds and instead of doing the right thing and dissuading her yours truly Dowey and Andi egged her on…..”I’d love to see the inside of your van and meet Tania” she said to him....We all convinced him that his sleeping wife would love to meet us at nearly 2 am in the morning……….It was like a scene out of little Britain …you know in the shop….Margaret ..MARGRET!….."Tania TANIA! Got some friends from Berkshire who’d like to meet you” She said “No thank you dear I would rather not “ except she said it in two words ….. ending in ….CK..OFF and starting in FU…We ran into the night clutching our sides as Lofty was left to pacify a now raging Tania…we never did meet her…..or him again come to think of it…We struggled into Eddy and crashed Out….
Saturday morning and Wifey was last to wake up in the Big Brother Van…..she greeted us with last night’s wine ……. fighting to resurface …..wouldn’t move from inside the camper which meant cooking breakfast was out of the question so off I trotted with the kids and we went French and got Croissants eventually wifey came back to normality at about 4 pm despite Ashley shouting across “come on get out of bed you lazy cow!”
So the rest of the weekend was endless Vee dubbing ..show and shine…..music entertainment ….a jolly good time was had by all ..we arrived back late Sunday night with lots of tales of wine, fire jugglers , people riding uni cycles , two metre long skateboards……a barbecue on a back of a kiddies trike that some dread locked white dudes were peddling along with this inferno trailing behind them…(for our Maltese viewers) looking like Larry ix-Xadin riding out of hell!!! (little monkey who rode a trike on Maltese children’s telly in the 80s) Endless stalls of everything you need for the van and loads of things you don’t but just have to buy anyway……like the Radio flyer….it’s a little red cart great for towing the kids round in ……….look it up online they’re great and every vee dub family with kids has to have one they have a kind of cult status now……..…I’m off got to plan our next trip…Brighton Breeze………
Tuesday, 11 September 2007
Good times for Hot Machero!
Lords, Ladies and Gentleman....oh and you too Dark Marge!...last night Hot Machero has welcomed a new singer /rhythm guitarist.
Boots .....(he’s a chemist by trade)..........has been writing Beatle-inspired songs on his acoustic for about fifteen years, Has performed at Oxford's Catweazle club and Bohemian Night in Reading. Has also played bass with the Beatles tribute band “Beetles” for over ten years. He really has got a cool voice and we are looking forward to working with him.
We are working on two new covers....Coldplay’s Yellow and the La’s “There she goes”
this means we are now four in the band, pictures and sounds to be posted in a few weeks once Barabanshik is back from the US of A....
Boots .....(he’s a chemist by trade)..........has been writing Beatle-inspired songs on his acoustic for about fifteen years, Has performed at Oxford's Catweazle club and Bohemian Night in Reading. Has also played bass with the Beatles tribute band “Beetles” for over ten years. He really has got a cool voice and we are looking forward to working with him.
We are working on two new covers....Coldplay’s Yellow and the La’s “There she goes”
this means we are now four in the band, pictures and sounds to be posted in a few weeks once Barabanshik is back from the US of A....
Jockanese K...MBE..part 2
Jockanese K…MBE………Who is this Guy?
Is it Marjorie the telephone operator ?……..uh uh!
Is it the little man who cleans up the toe nail clippings at the manicure shop in Bracknell? …….uh uh!
Is it the man who cleans bird poo off of Nelson's column in London ?….uh uh!
Is it Penry the mild mannered janitor……………Could Be?
(Cue …..Hong Kong Phooey music)
.Jock..an….ese K …….number one super guy….Jock….an ese …K ..faster than a human eye……He can talk he can chat more annoying than a smelly sock……..out in the desert….. the enemy think … that he is a crock!)
Well sports fans, welcome back to another update on the goings on in the 2007 Desert Classic Gu(o)lf tour. Well it has been another exiting week on the course, Another week has passed and this reporter is still alive and able to talk the hind legs of a donkey (Disclaimer: no donkeys were harmed writing this article).
There were some interesting developments this week, with the rival golf courses deciding that our course was too nice and they wanted to mess it up a little, so to the annoyance of the players and officials, the rivals decided it would be a good idea to throw a few unfriendly fire our way. Luckily for the players and organisers, there were no injuries and no damage to the club house.
There were however some other news breaks this week to report, contrary to popular reporting by some rival networks, we will not be ending the tour early and relocating it to a safer sanctuary, the tour will continue through to its natural conclusion at the end of the 18th green.
Stop the press: Water shortage in the desert. Yes would you believe it, the desert has officially run out of water. The situation has started to have an adverse affect on the players, as they appear to be developing a funny smell, which is putting off the other players. So this week we have seen some odd scoring. Luckily for the players however, there were adequate stores of bottled water for smell control. It is expected that this drought will only last a few days at most, a spokesperson for the water bottle company `Reverse-Naive` stated, it would not seriously affect their sponsorship of the tour.
Well as the sun sets on another hole of the course, and with a good par this week, watch this space for next weeks goings on in the ever changing Desert classic tour 2007.
Jockanese_K_MBE
(Cue bagpipes fading off into the distance playing "In the far far East there's a dirty little beast")
Is it Marjorie the telephone operator ?……..uh uh!
Is it the little man who cleans up the toe nail clippings at the manicure shop in Bracknell? …….uh uh!
Is it the man who cleans bird poo off of Nelson's column in London ?….uh uh!
Is it Penry the mild mannered janitor……………Could Be?
(Cue …..Hong Kong Phooey music)
.Jock..an….ese K …….number one super guy….Jock….an ese …K ..faster than a human eye……He can talk he can chat more annoying than a smelly sock……..out in the desert….. the enemy think … that he is a crock!)
Well sports fans, welcome back to another update on the goings on in the 2007 Desert Classic Gu(o)lf tour. Well it has been another exiting week on the course, Another week has passed and this reporter is still alive and able to talk the hind legs of a donkey (Disclaimer: no donkeys were harmed writing this article).
There were some interesting developments this week, with the rival golf courses deciding that our course was too nice and they wanted to mess it up a little, so to the annoyance of the players and officials, the rivals decided it would be a good idea to throw a few unfriendly fire our way. Luckily for the players and organisers, there were no injuries and no damage to the club house.
There were however some other news breaks this week to report, contrary to popular reporting by some rival networks, we will not be ending the tour early and relocating it to a safer sanctuary, the tour will continue through to its natural conclusion at the end of the 18th green.
Stop the press: Water shortage in the desert. Yes would you believe it, the desert has officially run out of water. The situation has started to have an adverse affect on the players, as they appear to be developing a funny smell, which is putting off the other players. So this week we have seen some odd scoring. Luckily for the players however, there were adequate stores of bottled water for smell control. It is expected that this drought will only last a few days at most, a spokesperson for the water bottle company `Reverse-Naive` stated, it would not seriously affect their sponsorship of the tour.
Well as the sun sets on another hole of the course, and with a good par this week, watch this space for next weeks goings on in the ever changing Desert classic tour 2007.
Jockanese_K_MBE
(Cue bagpipes fading off into the distance playing "In the far far East there's a dirty little beast")
Tuesday, 4 September 2007
Hot Machero?.....more like Hot My Rearo!
Oh how I laughed....not....I phoned Cruella this morning to inform her that I wouldn't be coming into work today and told her of my plight. Eddy our 1973 VW camper van has just come back from some major restorations in the form of his whole floor cut out (like a Flinstones vehicle) Ashley from Berkshire bugs has done a great job and although he really did look after us price wise our bank balance is severely dented....no I mean severely!!!! anyway it is Vanfest this weekend ....for those uneducated in such circles Vanfest is a VW camper van meet where thousands of Campervans meet up at Malvern and there is a weekend of song laughter events and general VWness. We are paid up to go and Eddy as of Sunday was returned to us with his new floor but minus any interior which we had stored since June in our garage. So we had a few evenings to fit it all back in including drilling into the new floor and covering some new panelling fitting new seat belts and generally tarting the Eddster up for Vanfest. This has meant working till stupid o'clock after work ......last night Wifey decided at 2345 hours that she was hungry and would I get a kebab whilst she tidied up.......well I obliged as I am an obedient husband . When I got there I thought it would be rude not to have one of my own...the Chilli sauce was really hot and at the time it went down .....lovely....Quickly ironed some school uniform for Rockstar as it was his first day back the next day and slid into bed at about 0100 hours .....I was up all night I felt very uncomfortable and early hours this morning ........well what goes in the top must come out below ....but I would of preferred not quite so fast or wet or as often.......or indeed not as hot!!!! (hence the title!)
So I phoned up Cruella to impart this knowledge on her and fighting back her laughter she relayed my episode to Mr T and Linda aka Roadrunner.who were in the office working hard........I could hear the chuckling in the background...my colleagues are very sympathetic like this you see. I kind of don't feel so bad about telling Cruella that I met a dog with the same christian name as her whilst in Malta now. She took it very well I have to say anyway...........I'm sure my next appraisal is going to be a disaster though....eeeek!
Mother dearest was round a few days ago assisting Wifey in covering Eddy's inside panels with a nice cream coloured leatherette.......The Dark Marge came up from the wild west too...together with Mandy Lynne........no not a new girlfriend ....he's had to stay clear of his usual pick up haunts cos of the latest outbreak of foot and mouth ...no Mandy is his Mandolin....So there we were in the garden Motherdearest and Wifey thick with glue all over them .....our neighbours were in their garden enjoying the 45 minutes of sun we had that day........and Mother dearest out of the blue said cheerfully "WHAT'S A RENT BOY?". She couldn't of said it louder !!!!!!!!!!! She was serious she didn't know. A good day was had by all anyway
Malta is but a blur now......…the tan fading like Jade Goody's popularity….the festa with the fantastic concert and pyrotechnics display might as well have been a lifetime ago….I was surprised at the Festa actually . The band turned from the normal high pitched clarinet squealing ensemble whilst walking along the streets into a half decent orchestra when seated and joined with a proper drummer and keyboard player. The fireworks shooting off at the end in time with the drummer's bangs and crashes was quite a spectacle and I wondered if Barabanshik our drummer would like to have the pyrotechnics at his disposal. Would probably play havoc with the curtains in the hall though . All I said about the festa in my blog (about three back) was still true although the fights of old are apparently long gone….whilst sat gorging on hotdogs we did however witness the sight of two women probably on the side of forty years plus decide to knock ten tons of the proverbial out of each other right under the watchful eye of a Police officer who reminded me of the fat Mexican Sergeant in Zorro…He waddled over and as he broke into a run as the fight increased in ferocity one of the women ended up on the floor!........I thought I might have to call for an ambulance…….for the Policer man that is ......... not the women….He raced over and the women were dragged apart and Sergeant Garzias was joined by another cop who defused the incident…..As he huffed and puffed under the exertion of making a decision let alone the 50 metre waddle/sprint.
The search for the new singer /guitarist is well under way I have had dealings with some weird and wonderful musicians clambering at the door of Hot Machero towers. I have felt like an online X Factor judge…One lad described himself as pretty "fooking cool". Another called himself the Reading Rock rebel!!!!! There is someone of interest we are looking at but I'll update you all in blog land as and when……He may not be what we are looking for (although i've got a good vibe about him)or he may take one look at us spin on his heels and set off into the sunset cackling at our audacity to call ourselves a band…may be not …I think we can hold our own.
So here I am feeling sorry for myself upset stomach and to top it off it is the first anniversary of my Dad passing away which isn't helping my mood, I hope my illness won't set the work on Eddy back too much (it is almost done to be fair) I'm going to curl up with Mini minx and watch Dora the explorer and wonder what dear old Dad would have thought of the band and our children now they are a year older .........anyway I'm off, the toilet calls
So I phoned up Cruella to impart this knowledge on her and fighting back her laughter she relayed my episode to Mr T and Linda aka Roadrunner.who were in the office working hard........I could hear the chuckling in the background...my colleagues are very sympathetic like this you see. I kind of don't feel so bad about telling Cruella that I met a dog with the same christian name as her whilst in Malta now. She took it very well I have to say anyway...........I'm sure my next appraisal is going to be a disaster though....eeeek!
Mother dearest was round a few days ago assisting Wifey in covering Eddy's inside panels with a nice cream coloured leatherette.......The Dark Marge came up from the wild west too...together with Mandy Lynne........no not a new girlfriend ....he's had to stay clear of his usual pick up haunts cos of the latest outbreak of foot and mouth ...no Mandy is his Mandolin....So there we were in the garden Motherdearest and Wifey thick with glue all over them .....our neighbours were in their garden enjoying the 45 minutes of sun we had that day........and Mother dearest out of the blue said cheerfully "WHAT'S A RENT BOY?". She couldn't of said it louder !!!!!!!!!!! She was serious she didn't know. A good day was had by all anyway
Malta is but a blur now......…the tan fading like Jade Goody's popularity….the festa with the fantastic concert and pyrotechnics display might as well have been a lifetime ago….I was surprised at the Festa actually . The band turned from the normal high pitched clarinet squealing ensemble whilst walking along the streets into a half decent orchestra when seated and joined with a proper drummer and keyboard player. The fireworks shooting off at the end in time with the drummer's bangs and crashes was quite a spectacle and I wondered if Barabanshik our drummer would like to have the pyrotechnics at his disposal. Would probably play havoc with the curtains in the hall though . All I said about the festa in my blog (about three back) was still true although the fights of old are apparently long gone….whilst sat gorging on hotdogs we did however witness the sight of two women probably on the side of forty years plus decide to knock ten tons of the proverbial out of each other right under the watchful eye of a Police officer who reminded me of the fat Mexican Sergeant in Zorro…He waddled over and as he broke into a run as the fight increased in ferocity one of the women ended up on the floor!........I thought I might have to call for an ambulance…….for the Policer man that is ......... not the women….He raced over and the women were dragged apart and Sergeant Garzias was joined by another cop who defused the incident…..As he huffed and puffed under the exertion of making a decision let alone the 50 metre waddle/sprint.
The search for the new singer /guitarist is well under way I have had dealings with some weird and wonderful musicians clambering at the door of Hot Machero towers. I have felt like an online X Factor judge…One lad described himself as pretty "fooking cool". Another called himself the Reading Rock rebel!!!!! There is someone of interest we are looking at but I'll update you all in blog land as and when……He may not be what we are looking for (although i've got a good vibe about him)or he may take one look at us spin on his heels and set off into the sunset cackling at our audacity to call ourselves a band…may be not …I think we can hold our own.
So here I am feeling sorry for myself upset stomach and to top it off it is the first anniversary of my Dad passing away which isn't helping my mood, I hope my illness won't set the work on Eddy back too much (it is almost done to be fair) I'm going to curl up with Mini minx and watch Dora the explorer and wonder what dear old Dad would have thought of the band and our children now they are a year older .........anyway I'm off, the toilet calls
Saturday, 1 September 2007
Jokanese K.....MBE speaks
Cue A-Team drums...(you know from the beginning of the programme)
Eighteen years ago a young Scotsman clawed his way out of the depths of a Livingstone council estate and joined the RAF to seek Action ,excitement and glory instead he became a techy geek and worked in comms and computers.......decorated with an MBE ..he writes for us from a warzone in a far flung country....if you can find him ...or find someone to translate him you can hire.......Jockanese K....MBE.
(Automatic machine gun fire followed by full band bit from the A-Team kicking in and slowly fading )
Hi top blokes,
Jockaneese_K_MBE here, signing on from somewhere across the world in probably the biggest sand pit Tiger Woods has ever seen - well if he was standing with me right now that is .
Well week one of the Gu(o)lf tour 2007 commenced, and what a week it has been. Since flying the flag over the Arabian peninsula, I arrived safe and sound. The weather is hot, damn hot, which is good if you want to roast a chicken but not if your trying to work - its a good job that I work in an air conditioned building, and sleep in one too - otherwise I’d end up looking like Ghandi's flip flop from the sole up right now....
Having started the week on Humpty Dumpty’s wall and shaky, I have now read the course and found my path to freedom. It is anticipated that the course will take pretty much 16 and a bit weeks to complete - which should set a Guiness book record for a round of Gu(o)lf. My head has been up the preverbal Osteritch’s bottom this week (or is that in the sand, mmm ill have to sleep on that one), if my head wasn’t attached firmly to my neck, i swear i would have left it somewhere, as i seem to have left everything from my driving licence to arrival paperwork somewhere it shouldn’t have been left, I even (scarily) left my rifle behind too - who ever gave me a rifle needs shooting (Har Har).
Well as you can imagine, the first hole (week) is now over and only 17 more to play though. The score card reads a firm triple bogey for now, but it is anticipated a few pars and birdies to follow. However the map on the card is a bit difficult to navigate given i looks like something resembling an item you would buy at Homebase for smoothing wood down..
Anyway Jockaneese_K_MBE signing off till after the next hold.
(cue bagpipes......)
Eighteen years ago a young Scotsman clawed his way out of the depths of a Livingstone council estate and joined the RAF to seek Action ,excitement and glory instead he became a techy geek and worked in comms and computers.......decorated with an MBE ..he writes for us from a warzone in a far flung country....if you can find him ...or find someone to translate him you can hire.......Jockanese K....MBE.
(Automatic machine gun fire followed by full band bit from the A-Team kicking in and slowly fading )
Hi top blokes,
Jockaneese_K_MBE here, signing on from somewhere across the world in probably the biggest sand pit Tiger Woods has ever seen - well if he was standing with me right now that is .
Well week one of the Gu(o)lf tour 2007 commenced, and what a week it has been. Since flying the flag over the Arabian peninsula, I arrived safe and sound. The weather is hot, damn hot, which is good if you want to roast a chicken but not if your trying to work - its a good job that I work in an air conditioned building, and sleep in one too - otherwise I’d end up looking like Ghandi's flip flop from the sole up right now....
Having started the week on Humpty Dumpty’s wall and shaky, I have now read the course and found my path to freedom. It is anticipated that the course will take pretty much 16 and a bit weeks to complete - which should set a Guiness book record for a round of Gu(o)lf. My head has been up the preverbal Osteritch’s bottom this week (or is that in the sand, mmm ill have to sleep on that one), if my head wasn’t attached firmly to my neck, i swear i would have left it somewhere, as i seem to have left everything from my driving licence to arrival paperwork somewhere it shouldn’t have been left, I even (scarily) left my rifle behind too - who ever gave me a rifle needs shooting (Har Har).
Well as you can imagine, the first hole (week) is now over and only 17 more to play though. The score card reads a firm triple bogey for now, but it is anticipated a few pars and birdies to follow. However the map on the card is a bit difficult to navigate given i looks like something resembling an item you would buy at Homebase for smoothing wood down..
Anyway Jockaneese_K_MBE signing off till after the next hold.
(cue bagpipes......)
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