The smell of patriotism

I feel the need to clarify a statement in our last blog ......Mother dearest has complained about the man flu thing.......she wants the world to know she isn’t actually a man. Chippy complained too...he stated and I quote “I am definitely not gay I have acted like too much of a Wally in front of women to be gay” I mean what has that got to do with the price of fried rats testicles? If you wish to put yourself through the torture of going back through Hot Machero’s endless dribble (aka our blog )not once have we questioned his sexuality. His reliability, state of mind chat up lines ,yes.......... we’ve butchered poor old chippy like a strip of back bacon but hey!........... we don’t care ...chips ....what ever floats your boat .......it’s 2007!
The day is not even a few hours old and I have already had the honour of clearing up the entire contents of our dogs regurgitated dinner from the night before that had been deposited on the kitchen floor. The dog looked on asking that age-old question? “Why does it always have carrots in it?” there must be inspiration for a song in there somewhere....”My little poochy puke” maybe . Talking of Alvin Stardust (for those of you that haven’t spotted the link the poochy puke bit was a play on words from a stardust song.........the link wasn’t dog’s dinner!” I once saw the great 70s pop icon in a supermarket I was working at and no he wasn’t in a black cat suit his hair was an advert for Greasian 2000 and he didn’t point at anyone and scowl . In fact I believe he bought a prawn and mayo sandwich........
Whilst Wifey and our little rockstar were on the way out this morning following my remonstrating at the fact I hadn’t had a kiss she screwed her face up and said I smelt of dog puke and I needed to get in the shower and promptly shut the door ........nice! Now there are two things that make a Maltese cross...ahem! ..........Making a suggestion that we are chocolate covered with honeycomb centres and the other is saying we smell.....several comedians over the years have had a pop at us for poor bodily hygiene....unfairly I hasten to add !!!!! The late comedian Dave Allen suggested that Malta was a place of “Smells, bells and busty gals”...knob! Paul Hogan of Crocodile Dundee fame upset the Maltese community in Oz by describing something as “As smelly as a Maltese”.............knob! coupled with Terry Wogan taking the mick out of our Eurovision entrant....no wonder we have a siege mentality!!! I mean look what Malta has given the world..........well there’s.......a........a cross!... a Falcon......a terrier....and remember that during the second world war the British empire awarded the island with the George Cross because without Malta the war would of had a very different outcome....! anyway back to me smelling.........I had a shower....I smell nice now.........

Holy Holy Holy

Protesting we'd got it all wrong, Chippy said he was smooth and not Cheesy. I responded with "Ok then More like Philadelphia." Chippy came up with the work required on the fencing but the Concrete under the posts ended up costing us a small fortune as try as they might they could not budge it. This resulted in paying for two days work. This will help pay for Chippy's guitar strings cos with that money we should hear sounds like Carlos Santana. ( may be they'll be made of gold)

Rehearsal's start Monday, to ensure that the language does not turn blue we strumming in our parish church. I have managed to convince wifey that we now don't need to include in our repertoire "He's got the whole world in his hands" and certainly not Micheal Row the Boat ashore but she insists on playing "Give me Oil in my Lamp" eh em. Our prayers have been answered and the Church are going to let us play their resident house drums. Dominic da' drummer is back but not sure how the drums are gonna hold out for rock...

After a lengthy conversation with James and a realisation that big sound is gonna cost big money Hot Machero took a reality check. Hot Machero are now opting for a more acoustic sound and less volume. Lily the Sound Tech and piano accordion player to Diddly Skwat, the Irish Folk band, gave some advice. Once translated from his broad Brummie accent, he directed us to more some expensive kit, but far more sensible for our needs. He even offered his support probably because he felt that we are going to need it.

The Machero house hold has been plagued with illness this week. Even Mother dearest has been suffering with what can only be described as a kind of Man Flu.(This is the deadliest kind of flu that woman do not know anything about a real killer). Wifey could not even make the marching band practice(yep Marching Band).

Wifey's time off sick has inspired her to start writing a song themed about life passing on by. This has raised a heated debate on her lyric writing skills. Trying to rhyme the word 'soon' she came up with baboon, spoon, loon (probably based on me). Wifey has a distinct dislike to country but always writes songs out of Dolly Parton's back catalogue. They are not quite as up front though. Some fine tweaking of this tune and I am sure we are looking at a Brit Award. This is in fact song number two for the Machero's. The first was based about Eddy the VW Camper (if you have not read any of the previous blogs) but SJ refuses to sing it...I sure she will grow to love it when everybody screams at the stage "play Eddy, play Eddy"...especially the VW dub Vans all over the World.

Chippy the Cheesy Chappy

I crept down stairs wifey had just phoned in sick with a sore throat , rigamortis and dutch elm disease (Seriously she is poorly and TLC is the order of the day) The front room curtains came swishing back opening the first act of another day in the life of the Hot Machero. As I was in awe at the splendour of the might of the rain and wind that hammered our neighbourhood all night , as I outstretched my arms and breathed in feeling the morning air make me come alive I felt I wanted to sing out loud. I wondered what it would be like to be a bird on the tree outside .....................the postman wondered why I stood in the window in just my cacks.......
I could see Eddy outside ,Wifey and I picked up the mini rock star from school in Eddy Paul yesterday and we just made it back before the heavens opened .....seeing that it was about to happen Wifey and I managed to get him under his cover quicker than a Wimbledon tennis court. I now looked at the cover and it was still on Eddy this was a relief as last night it danced about all over him but our tour bus was safe and sound under his cosy cover. I knew Wifey was poorly last night as her throat got worse....”Have you taken any vit c?” I enquired “you know, any fruit?” I added as the puzzled look came back at me like a Pete Sampras forearm. “Nah ! “came the answer came back muffled by the sound of a mouthful of crumbs” half a packet of chocolate digestives should do the trick”
Both my girls are sick....Wifey as mentioned and the mini minx ....I wouldn’t need to go to the gym as I ‘d scaled the stairs to her room for the umpteenth time following the wail of “Daddy!!!!!!Mummy!!!!!“ In desperation to get her to sleep I told her a story....sensing that that the tales of Jack the Ripper wasn’t quite doing it for a grumpy overtired poorly 2 year old I decided to make up on the spot my own story. Very soon mini minx was lying quiet listening intently to the trials and tribulations of a magic flying train called steamy.......Soon she was dreaming of white fluffy clouds and steaming trains.....kind of ...flying through ...them?...................as I walked downstairs I realised that with stories like that my kids don’t stand a chance leading a “normal life” This morning however mini minx was full of the joys be it a few snuffles and bounded off to nursery. All you parents you will appreciate that Calpol is indeed a wonderful thing!
At Nursery I had to restrain myself as the nursery problem child spat at my little girl...a complete unprovoked attack. Problem child’s Mum apologetically said “ I don’t know where he gets it from” I felt like saying “His F***ing mouth you imbecile!!!!” It wasn’t pleasant and I felt for the poor little mite.
Chippy Minter came round today he fixed the guttering he was still smarting from having been stopped by the old bill in Nam.....(Cippenham) for holding his mobile phone whilst driving........with his hands free set on?!!!?! these things happen only to Chippy. He was too busy to plank spank but he was briefed as to what to practice and assured he would attend the next rehearsals. On a side note poor Chippy is at this time unlucky with the ladies. He even tried suggesting to one of his customers that she had only rang him up to apologise for a mix up and suggested she had the unfaltering desire to take him out for dinner...........line went dead...!!!! I swear it is true....Chippy has more cheese than Dairy lea.

The Sweetest Thing-chinese take-away that is...

Well its been an eventful weekend...

Firstly there was Best friend M coming round...

Best Friend M is always happy to be our audience I see the enthusiasm in her face when we pick up our guitars and start singing to her. She appears in wonder at our playing but, in reality I think she is disappearing into a dream world where 'this is not really happening again'..

Well the healthy eating plan turn into 'happy go f****** lucky eat what you want plan' again also.. Wifey wanted to remain healthy but after two and a half hours of moaning and groaning about how much it would be nice to eat a take away preferably Chinese and with both vision and senses blurred by two glasses of red wine she gave in to a Chinese.. Best friend M who was totally mesmerised with the performance was about to make excuses and go but the Chinese food encouraged her to bear the pain and stay for food.

Saturday was an eventful trip to the library. With both mini macheros determined that they will attempt to borrow the entire contents of the library in one go we left after about half an hour with about 15 story books. They haven't quite grasped that it is a quiet place....Oxford Circus in rush hour was quieter than when our little darlings had finished in there.Wifey managed how ever to get some music and returned home to a rendition of Romeo and Juliet and U2 The Sweetest thing.

The mini Macheros are coming on though. Child Rocker managed to learn the words to the first verse of "The Sweetest Thing" by drawing a sound map which showed a person being thrown by a rubber ball depicting "my love she throws me like a rubber ball" followed by another picture of a heart in a tumble dryer showing the last line "what she wants is a dry kind of love". Quite ingenious for a five a half year old. The Mini Macheress decided that she was going to be a backing singer and got hold of the other mic and sang whenever she felt like it "the sweetest thing". then promptly decided to inspect the inside workings of the mic...our new mic that is!!!!!!The Von Trapps in the making..

Well mother dearest reminded us that at ten o clock to eleven o clock there would be a total eclipse of the moon so we eagerly awaited this ready to look out an then promptly forgot about it.. I think the moon thing has effected her ...I caught her karate chopping a 7 up can in the kitchen Shouting "die die die !!!!!!"

Chippy Minter rang and agreed that he wanted to be in the band..playing guitar. Chippy(funnily enough a carpenter by trade) has a track record of being an air head and double booking or over staying at previous jobs so the chances of actually getting him to a rehearsal let alone a gig remains to be seen. I'm sure Lennon and McCartney did not have the same trouble with George!!!! although I'm sure George couldn't knock up a cabinet as quick as Minty....take knock up as you please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But we still have not got a drummer with drums
What is this thing about drummers..everyone knows someone who is a drummer..
Every drummer who knows one of these people does not have any drums..
You can't be a photographer without a camera, you need the tools to do the job... is this just a massive conspiracy between those that drum ....a secret code..

Sunday was Kaiser Chief day....
That was after the everyone has got the arse in Tesco's day..How Wifey managed not to administer severe pain to this halfwit woman who took exceptional objection to being everso slightly nudged by our mini rockstar I do not know. then there was the shaking head of a meldrew look-a-like who couldn't possibly wait a few seconds to get to his crunchy nut cornflakes .....a crunchy nut type obviously.
Anyway, what can I say a brilliant concert...well worth the pain of seeking out the tickets..


Today was get Eddy Back on the Road Day
Eddy is a 1973 Vw Camper van who we recently discovered was made on St Pauls Day 10th Feb 1973 so now is called Eddy-Paul. Every band needs a tour bus and the Hot Machero do it in a dub.....travel that is....although??????

Eddy needed a new battery and some minor cosmetic adjustments which took about 3 hours. Then it was down the post office to begrudingly part with too much cash for a 12 months road tax . He is ready for a year on the road...

A quickie

We are just about to go see the Kaiser Chiefs at Shepherds Bush Empire. Mother dearest is baby sitting the kids and has been given strict instructions not to play with our instruments play with matches or both as she has threatened to burn the lot if we didn't shut that awful row up ..................that is so not rock "N" Roll.

Writer's Block,mushrooms and cells

Today I have writer’s block..............I’m told it can be quite painful but laxatives should clear it.

You see this blog was originally set up as a serious commentary of the up hill struggle of two parents in their mid thirties starting a band. The ups and downs of a rock band . The social experiment regarding the acceptance that two grown up professionals, parents, can make it as musicians . A blow by blow account of a couple’s struggle with everyday life juggling rehearsals with work and household chores.................................how it has evolved into the mad ranting of a lunatic I don‘t know. So today I am going to give you some real band news no nonsiacal stories.
We haven’t met up for rehearsals since last week. SJ has reliably informed me that she has got “Vertigo” I told her there is medication for that too. She is singing in the morning afternoon and evening learning her words but ironically is struggling with “sing “ by Travis. life must be like a musical for SJ. It was always a source of amusement for my bro and I imagining that life was a musical and all of a sudden your boss breaking into song and a cast of a thousand dancers appearing as the chorus line. The police skipping down the road leaping and dancing as they go about their business ,builders hammering in unison to overblown melodies. Smiley faces of supermarket staff spinning around as they fill their shelves. I am reliably informed SJ is living in this world. I told her she was far better off getting her mushrooms from Tesco but she had to go natural !???!!!!

The PTA have worked their magic again and there is rumours that Hot Machero are going to be able to use the school hall for rehearsing. Schools and teachers still make me nervous. I was having one of those mornings that you all know I have a few months ago. I had dropped the child rocker off to his class and I was running down the corridor to get to work on time.....I was moments from freedom when I spotted the deputy head in front of me......now I’m 6ft 1 and heavier than a big bag of heavy things which is soaking wet . But this 5ft nothing small framed teacher was there towering over me. “No running in the corridor !!“ she said firmly with her skinny arm, which was tucked inside a spotted shirt with little bits of frilly bits at the wrists (rather like Olive oil) out stretched in front of her. Her bony palm facing me like a bastion wall, I wasn’t going headlong with it. For that instant I was 5 again I rocked onto my heels screaming to a halt arms firmly by my side chin tucked into my chest “ sorry miss” I squeaked and hurriedly left the school building...like an Olympic walker ...you know looking like I was chewing gum with my rear end........ok that was gross but I had to paint a picture didn’t I?
So I don’t know if I’m going to be able to crank it up at school I ‘d expect a teacher to pop out at any given moment and say “ You....!boy!!!!!! do you make that row at home?” to which you are onto a loser coz if you say “no” you get the “well don’t do it here” and If I say “well yeah I do actually....the neighbours can vouch for that” you get the same reply . You can imagine it can’t you. Write 1,000 times “I will not plank spank loudly in the school hall”

We haven’t seen Dominic the drummer yet. This is Dom the drummer with da digital drum set ..............I’m not too sure he isn’t SJ’s imaginary friend.....I mean that will be embarrassing won’t it when “Dominic” goes into the great Drum solo.......SJ will be there watching in admiration and we’ll be like the rest of the crowd smiling and nodding at her humouring her until the men in white turn up. I mean them mushrooms cause all sorts of problems don’t they!
As I mentioned previously in this blog I have indeed have an older brother.....he does read these from time to time but I know he struggles with long words like .........and, is ,she ,he etc....but maybe he may reply to a blog one day . It was his birthday yesterday so a shout goes out to him.......Hope you had a great day and they let you out of the padded cell at least for five minutes...

A song for Europe

I know I know I know.......... The Eurovision song contest is as cool as leak in Sir Cliff Richard’s colostomy bag, but you see being half-Maltese it’s in our culture.....it’s a chance to be on a level par with the rest of Europe even if that par is a considerable low one.
I hear you ask yourselves (I’m imagining this of course ..as apart from mother dearest you are all a bit tight fisted when it comes to adding comments to our blog) what has triggered him to rant about The Eurovision contest now in March when we all know of course it doesn’t take place until May. I read in a newspaper today (the sun so it must be true) that Justin Hawkins ex Darkness has written and is performing a duo with Beverley Brown (whoever she is ) and is competing to be UK’s entry . The UK have not had a great record recently I mean there was Gemini who couldn’t sing a few years back and what was last year all about with the rapper and the women dressed as school girls......Sweden gave us good points they like that kind of thing but everyone else gave a resounding Nil poit!
Personally I can’t wait to see the Lycra clad nutter back out on the stage.....after his re hab has proved so successful.....gave up drugs and fags but taken up Eurovision...Justin I think you need another few weeks in there!!!!!!!
But whoever UK send I’ll be there come May with wifey (forced to sit there mind) in front of the Telly as we endure the massacre of the English language by cheesy foreign compares. Cheering on Malta (and the UK) Ignoring Terry Wogan’s comments about the Maltese singer being as fat as the island she comes from (Wogan there was a price on your head for that one) Sitting on the edge of the seat as the Maltese song is cranked up feeling the lump to the throat as national pride takes a hold (either that or a pringle has gone down the wrong way) Reminding everyone about 1993 when Willie Mangion took Malta to 6th place with “this time” and the scandalous tactical voting by the UK in 1992 forcing poor Mary Spiteri into third with “Little Child” Reminiscing about Malta being at a standstill watching hoping...maybe this year. We’ll be phoning the tele vote as many times as possible in that 20 minute window when we endure last year’s winner showing us that they still can’t sing . Although this year it will be Lordi! The obligatory argument with wifey about who she is voting for.....The swearing at the telly as Cyprus and Greece give each other mutual respect and top points. Even though both songs invariably wouldn’t make it as a Westlife b side. Then the disappointment of neither UK or Malta winning and vowing not to watch that politically driven pile of poo next year as it is crap!!!
But this year Justin we’ll be “watching yoooooouuuuuuuuu” do it for UK!