Don't do F s

Now the title of this blog is not Health advice from the Dyslexic Night clubbers Society. It is in direct reference to my Mandolin playing. I only picked it up since the beginning of January as a night time instrument so the neighbours get some respite from my bass and I have found most notes easy enough to play a, c, d, g am, dm with my eyes shut then along came F.
I’ve decided that F chord was designed as a torture used by mandolin teachers to punish their young students should they play anything remotely trendy and non blue grass. My locker room buddy James rattles off REM’s classic “Losing my religion” easily “F”s and everything. I am refusing to play it, as it has too many “F”. I don’t do “F”s. I leaf through all these chord books but on the sight of “F”s the tune in questioned gets put into the “what a load of crap” pile along with any Westlife tunes. I don’t do F ***n Westlife either.
F featured a lot in my life this week. I have an F*** n Viral infection which has made me look like the F*** n elephant man. I dropped The F*** n microphone that SJ used in rehearsals the other day and it is now F*** d. I have been advised by wifey to be more F*** n careful. Even mother dearest is at it!!!!!!.
On arrival at Sainsburys she realised that she had forgotten her shopping list she had carefully prepared so as not to forget anything (especially her Newky Brown!) a loud resounding “F” bellowed out drowning out Sting on my car stereo. Thing is, my car window was open and the poor car washer bloke who was touting for work in Albanian got startled and stepped into his bucket of cold water and said “oh Z***”. (That’s Albanian for “F***”).
Any way back to the music.......the band is now a threesome. SJ is now on board the good ship Hot Machero. We set her up with a Mic ,a stand and an I-tunes backing track. I plugged in, and started to belt out Sing by Travis. The intro started I made the first booming sounds on my E string, looked over to SJ, in her eyes she had a look of pure determination to make this song her own ,to make an impression, get the band going......after all, the last time she performed live she sang “If you wanna be my lover” by the Spice girls.....(something that the Spice Girls never did ) I nod to SJ to get her started on cue she opened her mouth and then ..............looked like my in law’s gold fish.... bob..... bob .....“maybe I should turn your amp on SJ” I think it was at that point she stopped practicing her victory speech for next years Brit awards. With all the equipment checked SJ was put through her paces and a productive session it was too. That evening Hot Machero performed in front of Wifey’s older brother and family. We played Green Day’s, good riddance time of your life joined by our 5 year old rocker on backing vocals. We were encouraged by our performance and Hi 5s ,yee hars , hugs and kisses were the order of the day. We turned in unison to thank our audience.........they took their fingers out of their ears and said it was good.....
Any way I’m off to curl up again in front of the telly............................. I F*** n ache.