Agent A

Do not underestimate the secret weapon of the PTA (parent teacher Association). She may look like a simple housewife living to bring up her ten kids in leafy suburbia and that the highlight of her day is driving the family 4X4 to and from school runs over the mountainous terrain that is commonly known as Bracknell Town. Oh no......... there is more to this woman than just another parent....she is Agent A.
Agent A is the reason I am in this mess......I was happy plodding along enjoying recreational plank spanking on my bass. When she manipulated wifey with the interview skills of Inspector Morse.
Wifey found herself volunteering information regarding our musical inclinations and three weeks later there we were performing before a couple of hundred people. This was all down to....Agent A.
It was Agent A that made me volunteer my services to man the bouncy castle at last year’s summer fete......It was blisteringly hot, England were playing Portugal in the quarter final of the World cup but Agent A had pounced and I ......saying no was not an option.
Agent A wants a band for this year’s summer fete......well you know the rest so far. I totally blame Agent A for this morning’s incident at the church hall. I will be emotionally scarred for a long time.
Someone suggested I go to the church hall to look at hiring it for rehearsals. So after the usual morning adventure commonly known as the school run I walked to the church hall which is oddly enough attached to our parish church (Sunday morning rehearsals out of the question then?) I walked through the double doors and there they were sat in the middle of the room in a horseshoe-arranged set of chairs, which had been laid out with the utmost care and precision. They were all looking in terror at a set of scales laying there helpless looking back at them as if to say ....”you must be joking if you ten ton bessies think you are standing on me” by the scales was a cheerful woman with a great big smile. She was in her fifties dressed in a loose fitting suit that she used to wear before she started dieting . I thought to myself I bet she shows everyone how she can get two hands down the waist band of those trousers now....as that thought started to turn my stomach she cheerfully looked up at me, with this about 12 faces looked round at me. The cheerful woman cheerfully shouted out to me “Hello come in we won’t bite you don’t be shy” I smiled nervously back and made the dreaded mistake............”I wonder if you can help me” I blurted out. “ Of course we can ...we were like you only a few weeks ago” Oh really I thought ,I’m just big boned. I tried to explain why I was there but within seconds I was sat down in the horseshoe looking as depressed as the rest of the group . The group all looked at me and were urging me on ......finally I said my name. this was met with a murmur and nods of approval I felt like saying
“ and yes...I ..... I’m .... I’m a....a...f..f...f......fat bastard”
I imagined that this would be met with applause and supportive back slapping so I refrained...........Being totally freaked by the whole ordeal I ran for the door. I heard one of the group say to another “Isn’t it a shame when people can’t come to terms with their weight”
Having a close call like that I felt the need to go and get a fix........Greggs do a great two for one deal on sausage rolls.