I awoke, it was dark, I looked at the alarm clock it was just past four on Easter Sunday morning. I heard rustling to my side and in a state of semi slumber I could see the figure of wifey hands deep in a big plastic bag producing boxes and muttering about Easter bunnies and the fact he’d gone awol.
She asked me to deliver the Easter eggs from the bags to the Mini Machero’s bedrooms but remember I was the Easter bunny and not to wake them. Now bear in mind I’m 6ft 1 and over 17 stone that is one F**K off Easter Bunny. I was still half a sleep so I dragged myself to the Rockstar’s door and with the skill of a cat burglar (Why do they call them that?.....and where do they put all those felines?!?!) I crept into his room avoiding the matchbox cars scattered around the room trying to booby trap a poor unsuspecting Easter Bunny I placed the Egg beside his bed. The second half of my operation was performed with similar success except mini minx had a guard beside her bed but I managed to avoid capture from My little pony by tip toeing up to it and delivering a crisp and snappy roundhouse kick that made it career into Fifi from the flippin flower tots. Mini Minx stirred momentarily as my little pony clattered about the laminate floor. I froze...............she went back to sleep. ....phew! I placed the egg down and stuck two fingers up at Barbie as she sat there smirking......she is so up her self.....
I fled the bedroom and slid back into bed thinking.....”All because the lady loved milk tray”
I settled back down to sleep and wifey said “Happy Easter “ and clattered me in the face with a giant Lindt Easter egg, which smacked me in the eye almost knocking me off the bed. She claimed she didn’t see me in the dark.....I claimed that now....I couldn’t see at all. she apologised profusely and fell about laughing for 20 minutes as I complained that just because the Easter F***ing Bunny had the F***ing hump as he was working another F***ing bank holiday he didn’t have to take it out on me. We eventually fell asleep after our sides ached laughing at the Easter Bunny’s and my predicament.
The Mini Machero awoke (and so did the rest of the street ) and so began the age-old ritual of Easter Sunday. We got into our Sunday best and jumped into Eddy Paul (our 1973 VW Camper) and went off to Mass. Now the Mini Machero have had previous convictions for disorderly conduct in a Church but on this holy of holiest days the pair of them sat there like angels. that was until a lull in the mass where everyone was quiet and Mini minx in her pretty little pink dress and her golden hair in pig tails produced from her nose a bogey of biblical proportions and announced to the congregation like a miracle had occurred “ I need a tissue ...I’ve got a Bogey!” With this she thrusted her finger high into the air revealing her bogey to all just in case anyone had a doubt as to what she found up[ there!?!?!?!?!.
My automatic reaction was to grab her finger, which extracted half of the offending snot onto my hand . I noticed that the bogey had a mate on mini minx’s cute little face. she repeated her plea for a tissue . Wifey was reaching into her bag for a tissue....now usually as most mother’s do Wifey produce’s a tissue quicker than Bill Hickey drew his pistol but on this occasion I saw her rummaging into her bag AKA the Tardis. That small bag opens up to a warehouse inside and to find anything can take days....in fact only last week she found an Argentinean soldier in there enquiring if Port Stanley had fallen to the British yet? and yelling that the Malvinas were always belong to the Argentine.....!!!!!!
All this and yet I still had a three bogey situation and a 2 year old telling the world about it. Yessssss! wifey emerged from her bag with one tissue.....I grabbed hold and reached for Mini Minx’s face.....”No Daddy ! “ she said with a very serious face. “ that tissue is for your finger” a wrestling match then ensued and eventually all bogey’s were cleaned and peace restored.
The rest of the day went without incident .......oh apart from stopping my car with Mother Dearest and the Mini Machero on board to talk to an old bloke up the road who was watering his front garden with a hose. “ Happy Easter “ I said cheerfully. In his haste to return pleasantries he dropped his hose that went into a wild dance shooting water and soaking everywhere ........including his elderly wife and in through our car window and getting mother dearest square in the face........How I laughed!
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