These strange musicians turned up on my doorstep last night and after some careful interrogation I realised they were Spriggan Mist!!!! Yes the Gizmo kids have taken a sabbatical from their holidays to come to rehearsals …they are off again this week while Gurning Boy celebrates another birthday.
Has been a month since we met and it's amazing …… the song Northern Lights has gone all mellow and Lonely Shore has had the proverbial kicked out of it and turned into a rock song a'la Dolmen….we have persuaded Gurning boy not to strip off to bare chest and prance around in a kilt like The Dolmen's charismatic front man Taloch….(I am definitely not putting my hair into blonde dreadlocks and wearing a basque as their bass player does…...............she is female of course……I'm not ……I'm sure you have noticed…) but it is all good!
Before I could do any band practice I had to help my eight year old boy , Rock Star to do his homework……the question he had was
" What religion was Jesus brought up in?" Rockstar gave me a blank expression…………….so I said trying to funnel the answer out of him..
"Well ok, Jesus was said to be the King of the J…..?" his reply was quick
"Jungle" he shouted….hmmm
Try explaining that one away to his teacher.
Tuesday, 22 September 2009
Tuesday, 8 September 2009
Bell bottoms and vol-au-vonts
I sat there feeling rather odd. It was 2009 yet it felt like 1975 my wig was so long it got in the way of my mouth when scoffing the party food. Everything was tight and clingy until the knee than everything was saggy. There were sequins,platforms and hair balls bouncing around me bopping to disco classics like...ABC ...YMCA..Dancing Queen and I feel loved. There were huge afro wigs and big medallions walking in and out of the kitchen........yes it was a 70s disco party. Twas indeedy Wifey's bessie mate's 40th......horse woman...(not coz she has a long face...she likes horses)decided to have an ABBA/70s themed party. I was born in 1971 so i toyed with the idea of turning up in a nappy......there was an abundant Anfrida and the other one... and a few Benny and bjorns but for me the best outfit was the bloke that turned up in jeans and t shirt.......he had a toilet seat around his neck to which was taped a bottle of Evian......he walked in and we all in unison said ....Waterloo!!!! wish i'd thought of that. Jockanese K...MBE who happens to be Horse Woman's brother in law was dressed in a really camp blonde wig and a white flared outfit.....if only the Taliban could see him now!!!it would be enough to withdraw and never come back to Afghanistan. I suppose it was a good night....no it was a good night but Mrs Jokanese K ...MBE was trigger happy on the old camera and facebook will sure to be showing pictures soon ...groan
So Mother Dearest is off galavanting for the week.....yes she is with Ol'Texas. Well you have heard of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid? Lone Ranger and Tonto? (actually why was he called a "Lone Ranger"? Tonto was always sniffing round wasn't he?......in fact there was a rumour that they wee in fact America's first gay couple ...I mean the village people certainly modelled themselves on the western crime fighters) any way where was I? oh yes......you've heard of Batman and Robin? DangerMouse and Penfold? well MD and Texas are more like ..Hinge and Bracket without the piano....and not blokes..... Basingstoke's local Police have had an all cars warning go out and the pair are being closely monitored should MD in particular become agro. Now i've lived in Basingstoke and there isn't a great deal to do there so I can only think MD is getting a crash course in Chainsaw sculpting for Pensioners or a crammer course in credit card fraud.....but this I understand was a big misunderstanding on Texas' part. Ingenius but none the less a mistake.....Texas junior had a credit card sent throught to the address and Texas signed it thinking it her own and went off into the distance shouting ...spend spend spend!!!!
Two holidays in Barbados and week spinning around to the shops in a Maserati later and she was made to hand the card back!!!!!!(ok that was a slight exageration....she paid her car tax...but hey it made for a better story).
It's easily done though as the initials on the card was really similar she's a P and her son's and S.......
All has been rectified in this case and Texas has been advised that " She should of gone to Specsavers"
So Mother Dearest is off galavanting for the week.....yes she is with Ol'Texas. Well you have heard of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid? Lone Ranger and Tonto? (actually why was he called a "Lone Ranger"? Tonto was always sniffing round wasn't he?......in fact there was a rumour that they wee in fact America's first gay couple ...I mean the village people certainly modelled themselves on the western crime fighters) any way where was I? oh yes......you've heard of Batman and Robin? DangerMouse and Penfold? well MD and Texas are more like ..Hinge and Bracket without the piano....and not blokes..... Basingstoke's local Police have had an all cars warning go out and the pair are being closely monitored should MD in particular become agro. Now i've lived in Basingstoke and there isn't a great deal to do there so I can only think MD is getting a crash course in Chainsaw sculpting for Pensioners or a crammer course in credit card fraud.....but this I understand was a big misunderstanding on Texas' part. Ingenius but none the less a mistake.....Texas junior had a credit card sent throught to the address and Texas signed it thinking it her own and went off into the distance shouting ...spend spend spend!!!!
Two holidays in Barbados and week spinning around to the shops in a Maserati later and she was made to hand the card back!!!!!!(ok that was a slight exageration....she paid her car tax...but hey it made for a better story).
It's easily done though as the initials on the card was really similar she's a P and her son's and S.......
All has been rectified in this case and Texas has been advised that " She should of gone to Specsavers"
Wednesday, 26 August 2009
Speed
So there I stood…with the convicted….well sort of……..About forty of us stood in a queue giving our licenses in to check us off the list to make sure who we were …yes I was on a speed awareness course.
Around me I could see that most were older than me….I was scanning the conversations and I could hear
"Well it's not really speeding is it 34 in a 30?"
"wonder how much money they are making out of this?"
"Waste of my time"
I wanted to shout out loud ……."we were speeding!....deal with it….we are here cos we don't want points on the license !!!!!!!!!!!"
Quite a few of the group were a bit subdued doing the walk of shame into the building ..a bit like being voted off the weekest link ….all that was needed was a plaque around the neck saying …."I am a sinner" or "Speeder" Then there was the fat jovial bloke……who anounced that there was no need for them to look at his license as he had been here before….(which technically can't happen within three years ) He was so proud that he was there …hey why not go the whole hog and gett a conviction for drink driving as well ….. There was of course the obligatory big head……won't change him this course……he had been driving for 100 years and never got a ticket…..he was a good driver and was just unlucky……..hmmm but you were speeding big head! The stereotypical rich lady from the country she was there too.She never ever speeds but got caught out as the speed limit suddenly changed from 50 to 30 mph….don't you just hate it it when it does that…boof as if by magic!……….maybe she should try looking further than her bonnet!!!!!!!! Lift your vision me lady!!!!!!…...
The crux of it all is everyone does go a little or a bit over the speed limit at times……inadvertantly or not. I have had further driving training (I didn't admit to this on the course and my anonymity was intact for it) and I reckon (in fact I know)I can drive safely at speeds better than your average bear but you there is no excuse….even if as was my case a smidgin over 30, we were all guilty of speeding…..
So has it changed my driving? ……well the video footages of the difference in stopping time between 35 mph and 30 mph and what it did to the cardboard cut out of a kid in the road which the Class one all singing all dancing traffic Police driver was running over does play on your mind somewhat. I tell you what …...I will try and avoid those cut out people when they stand in the road in future…..!!!!!!
What did surprise me is the complete lack of knowledge of speed limits and hazards that the general P have…………We had these little "ask the audience" buttons where we voted for the right answer and only 40 percent of the class got the answer right for the national speed limit on a dual carriageway!!!!!! and single carriageway wasn't much better.
So what did I learn from my experience at speed awareness scheme…? That the older generation are far better at kidding themselves they are good driver than the younger generation. That there are some really crap drivers on the road. That the coffee machine churned out some great hot chocolate …….and of course…..watch my speed…..
Come Monday I am back out in the field……a change from office work I've been doing for the last two and a half years and I am looking forward to it…..A whole new set of colleagues to blog about and a new town to write about…..Ruislip. Weird old place really you would think it would be pronounced Roo slip wouldn't you….. No….. it's rice lip..for those not in the know…..Full of the posher people in Hillingdon no less.
So one bids you farewell so does one.
Around me I could see that most were older than me….I was scanning the conversations and I could hear
"Well it's not really speeding is it 34 in a 30?"
"wonder how much money they are making out of this?"
"Waste of my time"
I wanted to shout out loud ……."we were speeding!....deal with it….we are here cos we don't want points on the license !!!!!!!!!!!"
Quite a few of the group were a bit subdued doing the walk of shame into the building ..a bit like being voted off the weekest link ….all that was needed was a plaque around the neck saying …."I am a sinner" or "Speeder" Then there was the fat jovial bloke……who anounced that there was no need for them to look at his license as he had been here before….(which technically can't happen within three years ) He was so proud that he was there …hey why not go the whole hog and gett a conviction for drink driving as well ….. There was of course the obligatory big head……won't change him this course……he had been driving for 100 years and never got a ticket…..he was a good driver and was just unlucky……..hmmm but you were speeding big head! The stereotypical rich lady from the country she was there too.She never ever speeds but got caught out as the speed limit suddenly changed from 50 to 30 mph….don't you just hate it it when it does that…boof as if by magic!……….maybe she should try looking further than her bonnet!!!!!!!! Lift your vision me lady!!!!!!…...
The crux of it all is everyone does go a little or a bit over the speed limit at times……inadvertantly or not. I have had further driving training (I didn't admit to this on the course and my anonymity was intact for it) and I reckon (in fact I know)I can drive safely at speeds better than your average bear but you there is no excuse….even if as was my case a smidgin over 30, we were all guilty of speeding…..
So has it changed my driving? ……well the video footages of the difference in stopping time between 35 mph and 30 mph and what it did to the cardboard cut out of a kid in the road which the Class one all singing all dancing traffic Police driver was running over does play on your mind somewhat. I tell you what …...I will try and avoid those cut out people when they stand in the road in future…..!!!!!!
What did surprise me is the complete lack of knowledge of speed limits and hazards that the general P have…………We had these little "ask the audience" buttons where we voted for the right answer and only 40 percent of the class got the answer right for the national speed limit on a dual carriageway!!!!!! and single carriageway wasn't much better.
So what did I learn from my experience at speed awareness scheme…? That the older generation are far better at kidding themselves they are good driver than the younger generation. That there are some really crap drivers on the road. That the coffee machine churned out some great hot chocolate …….and of course…..watch my speed…..
Come Monday I am back out in the field……a change from office work I've been doing for the last two and a half years and I am looking forward to it…..A whole new set of colleagues to blog about and a new town to write about…..Ruislip. Weird old place really you would think it would be pronounced Roo slip wouldn't you….. No….. it's rice lip..for those not in the know…..Full of the posher people in Hillingdon no less.
So one bids you farewell so does one.
Friday, 21 August 2009
In need of surgery
It's going to hurt but the marvels of modern day medicine will ensure that Lil Miss C is surgically removed succesfully from her laptop and her thirst for MSN and facebook.
Yes our 16 year old niece Lil Miss is up from Weymouth. Now I'm not sure if this is a common trait amongst the teenage fraternity of the Dorset coastal resort that they can't communicate unless via keyboard but Lil Miss seems to have a mad desire to communicate with all her friends at once via these social websites for the best part of her hours awake ....and in her sleep as well.....
I mean ,I was on the darn PC the other morning and into my inbox came the message from facebook from Lil Miss....."I'll be down in the minute" ?!?!?! she even sent a hello message when she was tapping away in the kitchen "hello" ...now when i say tapping I don't mean dancing either.....the only dancing that has occurred in our kitchen this week was me doing the dance of joy when Wifey shouted out from the front room in an automated "vehicle reversing" type voice...."Lil Miss has left the Laptop...:Lil Miss has left the laptop" I broke out into a spontaneous dance of joy as she walked into the kitchen to replenish her glass of Pepsi ...the dance resembled a Bhangra dance!!!! Lil Miss looked at me as I explained you had to screw the light bulb with your hand above your head and pat the dog with the other.......then I doubted myself ....was it screw the dog and pat the light bulb...the sight of me patting the ceiling and gyrating my hips doggy style by the cooker was abit too much for Lil miss so she returned back to her comfort zone ...hidden behind her laptop shaking her head and muttering how her parents had warned her that their sister and brother in law were going through a mid life crisis with the piercings and the faeries and spriggans and that she had to humour us.
Hey I'm used to humiliating myself now......Wifey and I spent most of last Saturday with our hands up the backsides of stuffed toys entertaining Mini minx's friends at her party......an avenue we are exploring is this...children's entertainers......We had loads of rubbish and the hall administrator at the church makes it his undying duty to make hiring the hall the hardest thing ever ...I'm sure he measured if we put the chairs back the allotted 5 cms apart!!!!! anyway he told me we had to take our rubbish with us. So there i was fresh from entertaining 20 odd 5 year olds...when I say odd i don't mean they were odd.....well not all of them....anyway I loaded the car up with our props which included obligatory faery door and big papier mache Toadstools painted in red and white just to make sure they stand out. I was dressed in a pixie hood white pirate style lace up shirt multicoloured stripey trousers and sandals. would have looked good at a medieval fair or a gig even... but down the dump with my bags of rubbish ....no.....I was getting these odd stares from people as my pixie hood swung behind my back as I off loaded my refuse......I caught the eye of a middle aged woman ...you know the sort, prim proper Mrs ordinary .....she was staring at me with apoker face in utter disaproval of me and my amazing collection of toadstools...I nearly said ...."what's the problem ?..they are only for personal use!!!!"
I drove off thinking what a discriminatory society we lived in ...when a pixie or faery (not that I am either) can't throw his refuse in the dump without getting glared at.....
So I part with you all today with a clanger I dropped in rehearsals on Monday...a Freudian slip as opposed to my rank bass playing that is.....
I announced to the band that wifey......wants a 12 inch.........of course I was referring to a 12 string.....
Yes our 16 year old niece Lil Miss is up from Weymouth. Now I'm not sure if this is a common trait amongst the teenage fraternity of the Dorset coastal resort that they can't communicate unless via keyboard but Lil Miss seems to have a mad desire to communicate with all her friends at once via these social websites for the best part of her hours awake ....and in her sleep as well.....
I mean ,I was on the darn PC the other morning and into my inbox came the message from facebook from Lil Miss....."I'll be down in the minute" ?!?!?! she even sent a hello message when she was tapping away in the kitchen "hello" ...now when i say tapping I don't mean dancing either.....the only dancing that has occurred in our kitchen this week was me doing the dance of joy when Wifey shouted out from the front room in an automated "vehicle reversing" type voice...."Lil Miss has left the Laptop...:Lil Miss has left the laptop" I broke out into a spontaneous dance of joy as she walked into the kitchen to replenish her glass of Pepsi ...the dance resembled a Bhangra dance!!!! Lil Miss looked at me as I explained you had to screw the light bulb with your hand above your head and pat the dog with the other.......then I doubted myself ....was it screw the dog and pat the light bulb...the sight of me patting the ceiling and gyrating my hips doggy style by the cooker was abit too much for Lil miss so she returned back to her comfort zone ...hidden behind her laptop shaking her head and muttering how her parents had warned her that their sister and brother in law were going through a mid life crisis with the piercings and the faeries and spriggans and that she had to humour us.
Hey I'm used to humiliating myself now......Wifey and I spent most of last Saturday with our hands up the backsides of stuffed toys entertaining Mini minx's friends at her party......an avenue we are exploring is this...children's entertainers......We had loads of rubbish and the hall administrator at the church makes it his undying duty to make hiring the hall the hardest thing ever ...I'm sure he measured if we put the chairs back the allotted 5 cms apart!!!!! anyway he told me we had to take our rubbish with us. So there i was fresh from entertaining 20 odd 5 year olds...when I say odd i don't mean they were odd.....well not all of them....anyway I loaded the car up with our props which included obligatory faery door and big papier mache Toadstools painted in red and white just to make sure they stand out. I was dressed in a pixie hood white pirate style lace up shirt multicoloured stripey trousers and sandals. would have looked good at a medieval fair or a gig even... but down the dump with my bags of rubbish ....no.....I was getting these odd stares from people as my pixie hood swung behind my back as I off loaded my refuse......I caught the eye of a middle aged woman ...you know the sort, prim proper Mrs ordinary .....she was staring at me with apoker face in utter disaproval of me and my amazing collection of toadstools...I nearly said ...."what's the problem ?..they are only for personal use!!!!"
I drove off thinking what a discriminatory society we lived in ...when a pixie or faery (not that I am either) can't throw his refuse in the dump without getting glared at.....
So I part with you all today with a clanger I dropped in rehearsals on Monday...a Freudian slip as opposed to my rank bass playing that is.....
I announced to the band that wifey......wants a 12 inch.........of course I was referring to a 12 string.....
Wednesday, 12 August 2009
Pasties and Exercise
The choice was ….Malta …or Cornwall……..hmmmm as Mick Hucknall said…"money's too tight to mention"…this year we'll do Cornwall….actually I'm saying the we'll do Cornwall bit not Hucknall …...So this year we forfeited the sun and family in Malta for the rain of Cornwall
Tintagel is a lovely place and we thoroughly enjoyed the whole Arthurian thing…..but my God did it rain?........which considering on the most rainy of days we went to Boscastle almost 5 years to the day that 3 metre high flood waves crashed through the town…we must be mad.
Pasties and Cornish icecream…….beautiful……..although my children opting for a sausage roll and Cornetto from Spar still bewilders me…..but then that is the innocence of youth is it not? The same as Rock Star my 8 year old boy whilst walking through a cow field with our dog asked me if it was allright for Doodles to do poo in the field ….I did point out the cowpats and and he put his hands on his hips and in his bestest Rigsby from Rising Damp pose…(blimey I'm showing some age now) said to me in disgust….well someone needs to do a poo patrol around here (poo patrol is when we pooper scoop the garden at home)
But the hollies are a distant memory now...back to the fun filled world of work ...wooo hooo! We do however have a fun filled weekend to look forward to....We are seeing U2 at Wembley Friday...Mini minx who has just turned 5 has her birthday party on Saturday and then we are hot footing down to Canterbury on Sunday to the Goddess show where Dragon Fly Moon are playing then to top it all off tis band rehearsal on Monday .......I’m trying to learn a bass line for a cover we are looking to do of that 70’s hit Northern Lights by Renaissance....(singer song writer musician of which lives next door virtually to the Gizmos incidentally) The bass line is all over the fret board and I must admit ...it’s hard going and yours truelly is having to work on this ....(rotters) but no pressure.....I’m sure the main man from Renaissance really won’t mind me ripping his song to pieces ....aghhhh!!!! more on that next blog however.....
Mother Dearest is on a fitness drive.......oh yes she circum navigates her sheltered accommodation daily ....(I mean the whole building not just her flat) Whilst we were on holidays she decided to have a go at the cross trainer machine that is situated in a little gym area they have there ......as she fought her way through the cobwebs she climbed on the machine and started pacing .....she found it very hard going the resistance was too much and had to stop very soon after starting. When she proudly told me of her little jaunt on the machine I asked if she had set the resistance low ....she looked at me perplexed and told me she had twiddled some knob......”well what did the display say?” I enquired...”well nothing was on it” she replied......Then the million dollar question beckoned........
“Did you have it switched on?...or even plugged in?”
”What plug? Do you mean you have to plug it in ?” she exclaimed
Tintagel is a lovely place and we thoroughly enjoyed the whole Arthurian thing…..but my God did it rain?........which considering on the most rainy of days we went to Boscastle almost 5 years to the day that 3 metre high flood waves crashed through the town…we must be mad.
Pasties and Cornish icecream…….beautiful……..although my children opting for a sausage roll and Cornetto from Spar still bewilders me…..but then that is the innocence of youth is it not? The same as Rock Star my 8 year old boy whilst walking through a cow field with our dog asked me if it was allright for Doodles to do poo in the field ….I did point out the cowpats and and he put his hands on his hips and in his bestest Rigsby from Rising Damp pose…(blimey I'm showing some age now) said to me in disgust….well someone needs to do a poo patrol around here (poo patrol is when we pooper scoop the garden at home)
But the hollies are a distant memory now...back to the fun filled world of work ...wooo hooo! We do however have a fun filled weekend to look forward to....We are seeing U2 at Wembley Friday...Mini minx who has just turned 5 has her birthday party on Saturday and then we are hot footing down to Canterbury on Sunday to the Goddess show where Dragon Fly Moon are playing then to top it all off tis band rehearsal on Monday .......I’m trying to learn a bass line for a cover we are looking to do of that 70’s hit Northern Lights by Renaissance....(singer song writer musician of which lives next door virtually to the Gizmos incidentally) The bass line is all over the fret board and I must admit ...it’s hard going and yours truelly is having to work on this ....(rotters) but no pressure.....I’m sure the main man from Renaissance really won’t mind me ripping his song to pieces ....aghhhh!!!! more on that next blog however.....
Mother Dearest is on a fitness drive.......oh yes she circum navigates her sheltered accommodation daily ....(I mean the whole building not just her flat) Whilst we were on holidays she decided to have a go at the cross trainer machine that is situated in a little gym area they have there ......as she fought her way through the cobwebs she climbed on the machine and started pacing .....she found it very hard going the resistance was too much and had to stop very soon after starting. When she proudly told me of her little jaunt on the machine I asked if she had set the resistance low ....she looked at me perplexed and told me she had twiddled some knob......”well what did the display say?” I enquired...”well nothing was on it” she replied......Then the million dollar question beckoned........
“Did you have it switched on?...or even plugged in?”
”What plug? Do you mean you have to plug it in ?” she exclaimed
Friday, 17 July 2009
Car Rant Capers!
Why me? All I want is to sail through life without hassle and people that make my shit itch! Now I know you all know about my calamities I have with automobiles…you know the whole filling with oil and water jobby, but I felt a sharp decrease in performance recently and I just wasn’t getting much acceleration…just a horrible smell and this wasn’t due to excessive vindaloos causing nether regions to play up either…I know how you lot think!
So limping the car into my friendly mechanic I got out and he stuck his nose in the air and told me my clutch was seriously gone!!!! The problem with good mechanics is they can’t do anything …NOW! It’s always a sucking in of breath between clenched teeth and I’ll fit you in next Tuesday type effort so eventually I found out that a popular chain of clutch fitting specialists in Furze Platt could do it for me today……without naming and shaming this specialist has Clutch in the title and is referred to as Mr. Anyway I drove to Furze Platt ( an outskirt of Maidenhead) and it was sweltering a real muggy hot day I flipped on my Aircon without a care in the world…apart from knowing I was about to be fleeced of a couple of hundred pound for a new clutch that is.
So I got the car there and this twelve year old in receptionist blokey started talking cars to me. I kind of had a glazed expression on my face ….Hello! I just drive the things not interested that you don’t see many of my type car in for a new clutch and that the clutch that goes the quickest is a Ford KA but then and I quote “They are driven by Women and by men of a certain persuasion that don’t have an appreciation of the clutch”……………………get back to school ……..twat.
So I walked away leaving the stupid boy and the car behind me and had to walk to Furze Platt railway station…and it started to rain…I had no coat ….so there I am without a car in the rain walking breaking my neck cos…… I needed a pee….aha!!! I thought there is a petrol station I will relieve myself at their toilet and carry on with my adventure ……but it was out of order…… rats!!!! I’m now going to pee myself so I mince round to the railway station thinking that there would be a toilet there …..yes I did say mince remember I’m trying to stop me self from weeing . Someone stole the station and plonked a platform at a level crossing…….with no toilet . When I eventually did get to a toilet in Maidenhead it was bliss……
Later that day got the car back it was now a summery evening and I parted with my couple of hundred pounds and drove home nearly taking out a cyclist with my new over zealous clutch making me thrust forward …………oooooooeer!
I put my aircon on but though it wasn’t doing anything …got to Bracknell and thought nothing else of it……next day …it was hot……and yes the aircon was not working…….now call me suspicious……..and maybe simplistic but …
Aircon working………take car to menders ……..Aircon not working………
I reckon it is pretty much a sure deal they have done something to it…but oh no not according to the clutch place…having taken it to two branches walked across the desolate back streets of Slough (don’t know where everyone was)to and from in bright sunshine ….and now I’m stuck with no aircon……..and temperatures have not dropped below 20’ C either.
I wish I lived close enough to work not to have to use the flipping car…I’ve decided I don’t like them……we are left to the mercy of those that fix them then there are the petrol heads who adore all things car……and watch Top Gear…..I mean what an annoying “Swiss Banker” Clarkson is.? Getting excited about curvatures and 0-60 in a nano second …..wooooo hooooo how very bloody exciting …it’s a car!!!!!!…deal with it !!!!…. It gets you from A to B ……..or that is the theory.
As for Formula One …..??? Come on it is as dull as Dot Cotton’s sex life! A procession of fast cars going round and round and round ….the best car wins generally not the best driver…..and lets face it as morbid and rotten as it seems the only reason we used to watch motor racing was to see the crashes and they just don’t happen anymore….. and what’s so clever about driving on smooth roads which always end where you started from anyway?
Jensen Button ..Lewis Hamilton you don’t impress me…….drive your cars across London with a Sat Nav that knows best even when it doesn’t….. avoid getting caught on camera in a bus lane, speeding and/or jumping lights or combination of all …remember to pay your congestion charge and don’t run over any PCSOs……(well not too many anyway)
or put two squabbling kids in the back seats and do the school run whilst running late ……pah…Formula One? tis for A holes..
So I end today’s rant with another profound quote from Grand Pop’s ….our percussionist in response to post gig analysis……
“ You can dissect a frog to see how it jumps…but it will never jump again?”
So limping the car into my friendly mechanic I got out and he stuck his nose in the air and told me my clutch was seriously gone!!!! The problem with good mechanics is they can’t do anything …NOW! It’s always a sucking in of breath between clenched teeth and I’ll fit you in next Tuesday type effort so eventually I found out that a popular chain of clutch fitting specialists in Furze Platt could do it for me today……without naming and shaming this specialist has Clutch in the title and is referred to as Mr. Anyway I drove to Furze Platt ( an outskirt of Maidenhead) and it was sweltering a real muggy hot day I flipped on my Aircon without a care in the world…apart from knowing I was about to be fleeced of a couple of hundred pound for a new clutch that is.
So I got the car there and this twelve year old in receptionist blokey started talking cars to me. I kind of had a glazed expression on my face ….Hello! I just drive the things not interested that you don’t see many of my type car in for a new clutch and that the clutch that goes the quickest is a Ford KA but then and I quote “They are driven by Women and by men of a certain persuasion that don’t have an appreciation of the clutch”……………………get back to school ……..twat.
So I walked away leaving the stupid boy and the car behind me and had to walk to Furze Platt railway station…and it started to rain…I had no coat ….so there I am without a car in the rain walking breaking my neck cos…… I needed a pee….aha!!! I thought there is a petrol station I will relieve myself at their toilet and carry on with my adventure ……but it was out of order…… rats!!!! I’m now going to pee myself so I mince round to the railway station thinking that there would be a toilet there …..yes I did say mince remember I’m trying to stop me self from weeing . Someone stole the station and plonked a platform at a level crossing…….with no toilet . When I eventually did get to a toilet in Maidenhead it was bliss……
Later that day got the car back it was now a summery evening and I parted with my couple of hundred pounds and drove home nearly taking out a cyclist with my new over zealous clutch making me thrust forward …………oooooooeer!
I put my aircon on but though it wasn’t doing anything …got to Bracknell and thought nothing else of it……next day …it was hot……and yes the aircon was not working…….now call me suspicious……..and maybe simplistic but …
Aircon working………take car to menders ……..Aircon not working………
I reckon it is pretty much a sure deal they have done something to it…but oh no not according to the clutch place…having taken it to two branches walked across the desolate back streets of Slough (don’t know where everyone was)to and from in bright sunshine ….and now I’m stuck with no aircon……..and temperatures have not dropped below 20’ C either.
I wish I lived close enough to work not to have to use the flipping car…I’ve decided I don’t like them……we are left to the mercy of those that fix them then there are the petrol heads who adore all things car……and watch Top Gear…..I mean what an annoying “Swiss Banker” Clarkson is.? Getting excited about curvatures and 0-60 in a nano second …..wooooo hooooo how very bloody exciting …it’s a car!!!!!!…deal with it !!!!…. It gets you from A to B ……..or that is the theory.
As for Formula One …..??? Come on it is as dull as Dot Cotton’s sex life! A procession of fast cars going round and round and round ….the best car wins generally not the best driver…..and lets face it as morbid and rotten as it seems the only reason we used to watch motor racing was to see the crashes and they just don’t happen anymore….. and what’s so clever about driving on smooth roads which always end where you started from anyway?
Jensen Button ..Lewis Hamilton you don’t impress me…….drive your cars across London with a Sat Nav that knows best even when it doesn’t….. avoid getting caught on camera in a bus lane, speeding and/or jumping lights or combination of all …remember to pay your congestion charge and don’t run over any PCSOs……(well not too many anyway)
or put two squabbling kids in the back seats and do the school run whilst running late ……pah…Formula One? tis for A holes..
So I end today’s rant with another profound quote from Grand Pop’s ….our percussionist in response to post gig analysis……
“ You can dissect a frog to see how it jumps…but it will never jump again?”
Tuesday, 14 July 2009
The Great Post Office mystery
Even Mother Dearest is at it! Why is it that pensioners do this? ……let me tell…..
It must be something programmed into their heads upon reaching retirement that they must get to the post office half hour before opening about 0830 and queue up in a line twenty people deep. Then upon opening, they file in and wait for another half hour as the cashiers deal with the queue…an hour at the post office yipppeee can’t wait til I retire.…….thing is at 0930 the queue is about five deep and your total trip to the post office is 15 minutes….The problem is for those of us that work the early post office trip is our only opportunity but pensioners have all day to do it!!!!! But oh no…….got to get up early and queue ……then complain about how long it takes……
This is not a practice reserved for Bracknell pensioners only …I see it in Uxbridge too. To make matters worse you stand in the queue and feel compelled to watch a flat screen on the wall with that annoying bloke from the adverts pretending to be funny …you know the one …he’s the post office manager ….Then you hear the sweet automated sound of “ Cashier number 7 please” and off you go to your cashier………who will proceed to talk to you in a really soft voice so you have to press your ear to the little speaker on the glass to have any hope of finding out what they are saying to you……..
I find this almost as annoying as when you go into a petrol station …you buy some items and you go to the cashier and say ….” Just that please” they look at you and say “Any petrol?” I feel like saying …….” Are you calling me a liar?”……I mean why in the hell would I say “just that please” …If I had put petrol in my car I’d say “number 5 please” or “ can I have a carwash “ …….then to add salt into the wounds they do the thing I hate..(and I have broached this in a blog some time a go but for the benefit of my newer readers) They give you your change by putting the coins on the note and the receipt …so you have the bag in one hand a handful of receipts and notes and coins in the other and a queue of people huffing behind you as you put your coins into the coin compartment in your wallet and the notes in the note bit and the receipt in prime position so it can be discarded… is it just me? Or do others find this annoying too?
So tonight is rehearsal night and The band will all file into the log cabin (past the new gnome that Mother Dearest bought for us recently that wolf whistles as you go by it)…incidentally that gnome nearly got it big style the other night ……as wifey and I were in the utility room Wifey went “shhhhhhhhh!…..” putting her finger to her lips and in her bestest Sherlock Holmes looking for clues stance whispered “there is someone in the garden” I listened out and sure enough I heard a faint whistle….I pictured the scene in my head …..two burglars with swag bags …one looking out while the other jemmies the door to the Studio….the whistle was a signal to stop and stand still ……..but then I realised a cat or something must be on the gnome garden as it was the flippin whistling gnome ……We laughed and carried on the rest of the evening
As it was one of those rainy but hot drizzly nights I closed the bedroom curtains on the open window and jumped into bed ..it was midnight and bedtime…. then he started……the gnome…. wolf whistling ……one after the other ……..it was like he was saying … ”Oy tosser …hope you are nice and dry in there as I’m bloody wet out here!!” it was like Chinese water torture and minutes later I could be seen marching down the garden in me boxers turning the little bloke off……”whistle now!” I said to him……as I walked away I bet the little bleeder gave me the finger!!!!
It must be something programmed into their heads upon reaching retirement that they must get to the post office half hour before opening about 0830 and queue up in a line twenty people deep. Then upon opening, they file in and wait for another half hour as the cashiers deal with the queue…an hour at the post office yipppeee can’t wait til I retire.…….thing is at 0930 the queue is about five deep and your total trip to the post office is 15 minutes….The problem is for those of us that work the early post office trip is our only opportunity but pensioners have all day to do it!!!!! But oh no…….got to get up early and queue ……then complain about how long it takes……
This is not a practice reserved for Bracknell pensioners only …I see it in Uxbridge too. To make matters worse you stand in the queue and feel compelled to watch a flat screen on the wall with that annoying bloke from the adverts pretending to be funny …you know the one …he’s the post office manager ….Then you hear the sweet automated sound of “ Cashier number 7 please” and off you go to your cashier………who will proceed to talk to you in a really soft voice so you have to press your ear to the little speaker on the glass to have any hope of finding out what they are saying to you……..
I find this almost as annoying as when you go into a petrol station …you buy some items and you go to the cashier and say ….” Just that please” they look at you and say “Any petrol?” I feel like saying …….” Are you calling me a liar?”……I mean why in the hell would I say “just that please” …If I had put petrol in my car I’d say “number 5 please” or “ can I have a carwash “ …….then to add salt into the wounds they do the thing I hate..(and I have broached this in a blog some time a go but for the benefit of my newer readers) They give you your change by putting the coins on the note and the receipt …so you have the bag in one hand a handful of receipts and notes and coins in the other and a queue of people huffing behind you as you put your coins into the coin compartment in your wallet and the notes in the note bit and the receipt in prime position so it can be discarded… is it just me? Or do others find this annoying too?
So tonight is rehearsal night and The band will all file into the log cabin (past the new gnome that Mother Dearest bought for us recently that wolf whistles as you go by it)…incidentally that gnome nearly got it big style the other night ……as wifey and I were in the utility room Wifey went “shhhhhhhhh!…..” putting her finger to her lips and in her bestest Sherlock Holmes looking for clues stance whispered “there is someone in the garden” I listened out and sure enough I heard a faint whistle….I pictured the scene in my head …..two burglars with swag bags …one looking out while the other jemmies the door to the Studio….the whistle was a signal to stop and stand still ……..but then I realised a cat or something must be on the gnome garden as it was the flippin whistling gnome ……We laughed and carried on the rest of the evening
As it was one of those rainy but hot drizzly nights I closed the bedroom curtains on the open window and jumped into bed ..it was midnight and bedtime…. then he started……the gnome…. wolf whistling ……one after the other ……..it was like he was saying … ”Oy tosser …hope you are nice and dry in there as I’m bloody wet out here!!” it was like Chinese water torture and minutes later I could be seen marching down the garden in me boxers turning the little bloke off……”whistle now!” I said to him……as I walked away I bet the little bleeder gave me the finger!!!!
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